Royal Round-Up: 27th October

Happy Sunday everyone!

I’ve just finished penning this after starting it on Friday… admittedly, at work, when I was, y’know, supposed to be working. It was almost in the bag, but then people kept coming to my desk with bullshit and I got sidetracked.

Will you all just piss off – can’t you see I’m trying to write my blog at work?!

Nevertheless – I finally made it and there was a little bit to get through this week, so get comfortable and let’s get cracking!

The reaction to Harry and Meghan’s documentary

So things didn’t go quite as well as Harry and Meghan had anticipated with their little attention-and-sympathy-seeking interview in Africa; in what was an attempt to have people flood in with an outpouring of love for the “royal” couple, it was instead met with an army of pissed-off taxpayers, loaded with pitchforks.

People, quite rightly, couldn’t believe that these two pillocks had the fucking nerve to whine about how tough they had it – simply because they are talked about in the press and people take their photo sometimes. I mean – it’s not as though there are children, y’know, starving in Africa or anything, right?

If either of them had a brain-cell between them and weren’t so desperate for attention, they’d probably have worked out long before they even stood in front of the cameras that this was going to backfire massively.

I mean – whining about how rich, lucky and privileged you are in front of the entire world, while you were meant to be on a royal tour focusing on charity work?

Meghan, not quite understanding the point of the tour

The second tidal wave of backlash washed over Hurricane Harkle on Thursday night, when Prince Charles’s documentary about his Duchy estate aired– and much to the Sussexes’ surprise, was actually about the work that Prince Charles does, and NOT him moaning about his life.

Meghan finally got round to watching the documentary, I see

People were quick to jump on Twitter and tell Harry and Meghan, quite rightly, that this is how a true royal behaves – not turning a royal tour into a sad little journal entry from your life, whining about how your tiara just isn’t quite shiny enough for your liking.

All in all, much like many of Meghan’s onscreen works, this was a massive flop– and not one that even gained them any popularity. Let’s hope Markle’s inevitable divorce interview attracts higher viewer ratings and sympathy.

“Just gimme three years, I’ll see you all on Oprah.”

Harry and Meghan are depressed

Yep – some media tabloids reported this week that the Sussexes are “unhappy” and “miserable” in the public eye and are reaching “breaking point”. So fed up with the unacceptable notion that nobody actually gives a shit about them, and having not learnt anything from their flop of an interview, these two are continuing to do their best impression of Eeyore to drum up even more sympathy.

Harry and Meghan once their titles and wealth are taken away

Once again, the same question is asked: if you’re so bloody fed up with your royal lives, why don’t you both piss off and leave your titles at the door?

You’re not the future King and Queen.
You haven’t produced any heirs to the throne.
In fact, you’re about as likely as I am to park your arses on the throne at this point.
So what exactly is stopping you both from leaving the UK and the Royal Family?

Oh, right – I know. Your sense of self-entitlement.

Harry isn’t (that) stupid (I don’t think); he must know on some level Meg would never have looked twice at his fuzzy ginger head had he not been born a Prince of Britain, so he also knows that if the titles go, so does the wife.
Show of hands who actually thinks that Meghan would stick around if her “Duchess of Sussex” title was removed? My arse. She’d be out of Frogmore faster than you can say “the crown jewels.”

“Meghan – you will no longer be known as HRH The Duchess of Sussex”

Or maybe he hasn’t actually realised this yet, but don’t worry – he might get the hint when Meg’s packing her suitcase ten minutes after the Queen tells them they will be no longer be known as “Your Royal Highness”.

“Oh, fuck off Harry – call Virgin Atlantic and tell them I’m on my way.”

And then… predictably.. the Diana card is played – one that Harry has used so many times, you can’t even see the digits on it anymore. Yep – “Prince Harry faces fresh hell after retracing his mother’s steps in Botswana.”

Just a real shame he didn’t step on one of the mines

I don’t see how trying to imitate your mother walking through a field can make you feel “fresh pain”, especially as you’ve chosen to do it voluntarily and then whine about it, but my only advice in this case would be:

And what of Meghan? Yes, apparently she is “deeply unhappy” too.

“You don’t understand Thomas yah, I spend every night curled up in the East Wing en-suite, lying amongst my Cartier diamonds and crying into my champagne…. yah.”

She told Tom Brownoser-by that she was, at this point, “existing” and not “living”.

Well, blow me down; “existing and not living” as a definition for me are those who are waiting to die in a hospice. Or those locked up in prison. Or those who are hooked up to a life support machine; the body is there, but the spirit is gone.

“Existing” is not flying to Italy for weddings. It is not taking a private jet to Spain and France for your holidays. It is not staying in a £25,000-a-week villa. It is not attending movie premieres in London. It is not flying a private jet to NYC for your baby shower and shutting down the whole hotel for it. It is not being allowed to marry a Prince at Windsor Castle. It is not riding around in a horse-drawn carriage for your wedding procession. It is not having the Archbishop of Canterbury christen your child. It is not crossing the Atlantic for a tennis game. It is not spending millions of pounds (that aren’t yours) on renovating one of your many homes.

Honey, if by now you do not see this as ‘living’, then you really are beyond help and I suggest you relinquish everything at once and move away– because if you aren’t happy with your (rather large) lot now, you never will be. And the same goes for your husband, too.

Harry and Meghan take a break

From what, I don’t know, but we may as well roll with it…

Yes, apparently from mid November onwards, Meghan and Harry will be taking a ‘6-week break’ from royal engagements (like they do that many anyway) to ‘focus on themselves and their family.’

Apparently Thing 1 and Thing Two (and Thing Arch-Three) are hauling their arses over to Los Angeles for a couple of weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with Meg’s mum Doria – the only member of her family she hasn’t cut out (besides Harry and Archie – yet).

One also suspects (and hopes) they may use this time to look for a house in LA, so that they can finally bugger off and leave us all in peace.

I do feel though that this “break” may have been under the palace’s instruction: let’s face it, Dipshit 1 and Dipshit 2 wouldn’t understand that they need to back off if the Queen physically hit them over the head with a blunt object, so we know they didn’t reach this conclusion on their own.

Her Majesty The Queen issues a warning

Allegedly the two of them “need time and space to focus on their family”… because apparently at the moment, Harry’s 9 to 5 job at Tesco and Meghan’s part-time work cleaning tables at Starbucks is getting in the way of that.

“I’ve told you I’m not doing overtime today, yah – one needs to get home to Archie.”

I mean really, what is it they do all day anyway apart from sit on their arses and find new things to moan about? I’d say they’d have plenty of time to focus on their family if they spent less energy on trying to manipulate the press and fob off the public.

In any case, we all know that we’re not going to be lucky enough to get a break from them; they’ll be in the press constantly with some story or another, with their own media machine working overtime to churn out yet more crap.

“Yeah, I said WE were taking a break, I didn’t say shit about our PR team.”

And if Meghan doesn’t organise wall-to-wall paparazzi to photograph her, Harry and Archie touching down at LAX, then I am Gandhi’s left bollock.

A Sussex break? My royal arse.

Meghan attends a charity event

After complaining about the attention she receives, Meghan made it her mission to be seen in public as many times this week as possible. Because, you know, cameras.

“Jesus, I just HATE being the centre of attention… but your spotlight isn’t bright enough, just FYI.”

I have to admit, and I know it’s bad, but I didn’t even bother reading what the event was, because I physically couldn’t take scrolling through a million photos of Markle gurning, but all I needed to know and saw was that Markle behaved like a prize tool as per.

First of all, what was going on with the hair? Looking at her at first glance, I’d say she was trying to imitate Kate with this entire look and failing miserably. For some reason, she kept her hair covering at least one eye at all times – sort of like a spaniel when it’s being told off.

Top marks for imitation hun

Secondly, the mannerisms and behaviour was not that of someone who hates attention and is feeling “vulnerable”. She was grinning so hard at one point, I thought her face was going to crack. She was absolutely loving it.

“God, I just hate this life.”

And then – came the most irritating moment of the entire night: the Curtsy-Hug.

For some unknown reason, this woman tried to curtsy to some old slapper onstage, where said slapper Me-again Markle took the opportunity to look as “humble” as possible by blocking the woman’s curtsy with a hug.

For as much as I use this site, I still can’t work out how to insert videos (or whether or not it is indeed possible), but I’d urge you to google it… that clip is something that needs to be witnessed, largely to see the way Meghan does it. Her movements are SO exaggerated, ensuring that the cameras picked up every last glimmer of her looking as charitable as possible.

In that third photo, this chick could’ve taken one for Team GB and kneed her in the vagina: she was literally inches away. Missed opportunity.

Meghan, shaking her head so emphatically at the woman that her wig nearly flew off, was clearly trying to do her “I’m no more important than you, so please don’t curtsy to me. You shouldn’t feel the need to curtsy to me!!!”

A sentiment I can actually share

It’s ok, love – when you’re divorced, back in LA and without anybody to give a shit about you, you’ll be lucky if anybody tries to spit on you, let alone curtsy to you then – of that you can be sure.

“Meghan Markle?”

Kate shops at Sainsbury’s

Let’s have a little bit of Cambridge to break up the other bullshit: yep, The Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at a Sainsbury’s in Norfolk with Prince George and Princess Charlotte during the week, where the family were spending the half term holidays.

As usual, other shoppers commented on how “normal” and “down to earth” the Duchess was, as Catherine browsed the racks of the store looking for Halloween costumes for George and Charlotte.

If Sainsbury’s were out of costumes, they could always go as Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan: all they need is a bad wig and a male mannequin with no balls.

Upon reaching the check out area, onlookers were politely told by Catherine’s security not to take photographs of her and the children – which we can all understand.

I mean, I wouldn’t want somebody to take photos of me while I bought bog roll and tampons either, and my feeling is that the Duchess of Cambridge shares that sentiment.

“Come along, children – let’s haul royal arse.”

This isn’t the first time the Duchess and her children have been spotted in the area; they were seen shopping at store The Range last year at Christmas, as Catherine hunted for last-minute stocking fillers for her family.

I don’t believe anybody got photos of this, but Catherine was apparently heard “calmly” trying to round her two eldest children up as they ran riot in the store.

Apparently Catherine wanted to stop Charlotte from sitting on the floor, and was all:

When she probably wanted to be more like:

I’m waiting for the day that George, Charlotte and Louis really piss Kate off in Tesco’s or something, and she finally loses her shit chav-style – cockney accent and everything.

Kate finally loses it in the frozen veg aisle

I know it’s not likely to ever happen, but let’s be real, we’d all pay good money to see that.

Meghan lets Harry out of the house

Later on in the week, Meghan had an engagement to discuss some shit about gender equality, where she very kindly let her lapdog husband tag along.

“Come on Harry – walkies!”

Meghan, very clearly believing she was Head Bitch In Charge, even thanked those around her at the event for letting her husband “crash the party”.

“Thanks so much for letting my husband crash the event!”

“Yeah bitch, just like the time you crashed Inskip’s wedding in Jamaica.”

She also said that “gender equality is also very key to the way my husband feels” – which made me snort with laughter; he doesn’t look like he knows anything at this point, let alone how he feels:

“Just need a beer and a ciggie, to be honest”

And judging by Harry’s expressions, his wife is not only wearing the trousers in this marriage, but has his balls stitched on as buttons as well:

I’d wager that gender equality is not a thing in that household and at this point, Harry is about as far back from the spotlight as Meghan’s hairline was at this event.

I’d give the ratty weave a break, love

But of course, I won’t deny that Meghan is a total expert on the subject: she’s been married to more than one dude, so has had a lot of experience keeping men in line and following her around like she’s the Pied Piper.

She also felt that she had to marry a rich and famous man in order to elevate her status and create a name for herself, so it’s real cute that people are sat there listening to a glorified gold-digger about what’s right and wrong in this life.

And to top it all, she wore a low cut jumper with her tits practically hanging out – y’know – for womankind.

You’re not at Soho House anymore, love – put a fucking polo neck on

Maybe next time people strip off for an Extinction Rebellion protest, she can join them – her morals seem to be in exactly the same place, I.e. somewhere up her arse.

One thing that did surprise me though was that she was actually able to walk unaided from the car to the venue without hanging off Harry. Yes – for possibly the first time ever – they did not hold hands on an official engagement.

I declare this an annual holiday throughout the Commonwealth Realms!

Anyway folks, that’s all for this week; I’m sure this coming one will bring plenty more fuckery for me to take the piss out of – and honestly, I can’t wait.

Until then, my lovelies – have a fab week, Happy Halloween for Thursday and I’ll see you all next weekend!

49 thoughts on “Royal Round-Up: 27th October

  1. Sadly she makes me puke. As usual you are totally on point with your observations and voice exactly what so many are feeling. They are a total shot show. I feel so badly for the wonderful Queen.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Totally agree. And I would say I share your sentiments regarding the Queen, but unfortunately I’ve stopped feeling sorry for her; she’s the head of the family and Harry’s grandmother and could put a stop to this farce at any time, but hasn’t. I’m quite disappointed, I’m sorry to say ☹️

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Love, love, love!
    MeGain needs help if she’s to survive: a stylist who would tell her how to dress and how to manage her hair (taking those extensions out would help) because she is clearly clueless.
    Also, PH needs to take his balls back. 😉

    Like

  3. Yours are the best snark posts ever!!! Another fabulous job! It must take hours to put this together each week – not easy to find the perfect captions/gifs – thank you!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Please send your blog link to the higher up courtiers at KP and BP and Windsor – I bet they all would laugh so hard the Queen would call down and ask them why the entire palace is reverberating with the sound of giggling and high fives!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. The states here, love your writing. You are witty and you make me laugh! As usual spot on as well. I usually cannot wait for your next column!!! Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Very pertinent comment on another site

    I have absolutely no idea though why they don’t just leave the Royal Family and live as private citizens and please themselves since both are independently wealthy.

    Because (rather like Diana) they seem to have an unhealthy Stockholm syndrome-like relationship with the media and seem to be simultaneously courting and trying to repel publicity. They are also being shamelessly dishonest and hypocritical, but lack the intellect or insight to see what almost everyone else has clocked about them.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I totally love your blog. The truth bombs about Megain and Harrassed are brilliantly witty. I was hoping you’d mention “do as I say, not as I do” Markle was wearing a leather skirt (again) despite her on going claims to be vegan/against animal cruelty etc. Just the typical double standard of the Sussex household I guess. Loved reading about the lovely Duchess of Cambridge and Prince of Wales, I’m going to watch his documentary now. Keep up the good work, roll on next Sunday for another fun and entertaining instalment. 😊💕

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Another thought regarding the Duchess of Excess, she’s a little bit like Sarah from Labyrinth complaining things aren’t fair (lives in a nice home, has beautiful clothes & little real responsibility), which makes Jareth’s response of “You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is.” So do we all Jareth, so do we all. 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  8. What struck me about that Meghan interview in their documentary is that most of what she said was Maya Angelou quotes. That line about life being about thriving not just living is a famous Angelou quote. There was also some Diana Panorama interview plagiarism in terms of that statement about being asked if she was ok.

    Every speech or interview she’s plagiarising someone famous and no one calls her out on it. Instead she’s applauded for being a deep thinker or someone very clever.

    Yet when on the rare times she’s caught on the hop, she’s deeply inarticulate. You’d never know that she went to university, English was a first language AND that she spoke words for a living.

    She’s a good actress though because she spoke those memorised, plagiarised lines as if they were her own thoughts and with such sincerity and tears.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You are so funny and so totally on point with these two strange human beings. They fascinate me and I hate to admit that. It’s so hard for me to comprehend the gleeful hypocrisy of whining that one is “existing, not living” while in Africa and after being among some of the most poverty stricken and desperate people in the world. Harry and Meghan live entirely for themselves and their popularity, don’t they? I don’t know why those two bug me so much as I’m an American and their massive money wasting antics don’t affect me (well, except my blood pressure) but I’m very sorry for the rest of the British Royal Family. I have great respect for the Queen. She is getting very old and frail and I believe that Meghan’s PR Team know this and take full advantage of the situation. Your blog is a lot of fun to read. Humor is required when trying to tolerate H and M.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Always look forward to your posts! I was just wondering why, if they need a break they didn’t stay the hell home and have her mother fly out to England? Much cheaper than shlepping the 3 of them and their entourage. Oh, that’s right, it is so they can go on Ellens show, meet up with Oprah, and do their publicity whoring in the USA.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. You never fail to make me howl with laughter through this mess the Sussexes have inflicted upon us.

    Also, I’d become a full time Kate sugar-stan if she did go full chav with the kids in public. I think every mother out there would stand up and applaud.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Has anyone seen the skit Katie Hopkins did of Megs during moan fest aka documentary? Priceless !
    You can’t but feel the RF and the GBP are being primed for an announcement at the latter part of the year, that they’ll
    spend much of there time in LA ! I doubt it’ll be full move as they would have to give up the one that will get them through the Hollywood gates HRH ! Without that Megs will just be another Angelina Jolie ! She is at this time feathering her future nest ready to Archie with her !
    Saffy as you’ve said ‘it’ll be tears before bedtime for Harry ! And he’ll come back with his tail (and balls) between his legs !
    If a month away is what makes him realise family is who he is, and brings him to his sense, then it should be kick up ‘jacksie’ He needs to cross back into the light ! We can but hope ! 🤞🏻
    That’s my rant done 😂.
    Thank You Saffy, for the love time and effort you put in to each brilliant one post ! You’re the best! Hope you have fab week ! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Spot on as usual. Just one request though….for the love of all things holy, DON’T associate Eeyore with those two. Eeyore has never bothered anyone like they have….😞

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m sure this is the beginning of the end, and she’s trying to write the post-divorce narrative: she’s a victim, the media hounded her, RF not supportive. I noticed she referred to Harry as her ‘now husband.’ Freudian slip? Fab post this week. You’ve made me look forward to Mondays.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Oh my god. I have to change my panties AND trousers or whatever you British people call them. Never laughed so hard. Walkies! And the mannequin with no balls. OMG. Stop. You are killing me here. Oh. Oh. oh.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Saffy, you da best! Love your humor SO MUCH! Thank you for laboring to make so many of us laugh despite our disgust! Two weeks after recording the muckumentary, I still can’t bring myself to watch it. I seriously retch at the thought of committing an hour to these wretches. Just the pics of her pudgy, self-pitying mug drive me batty.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I wish they would both leave and go somewhere? But, where? I am of British birth (always loved to read about the RF but no longer. I am also a naturalized US citizen (for the past 40 plus years). I ca not believe that the RF cannot do something with them. But, perhaps it is political (MM might have been recording a lot in the years she has been in the UK. Stuff that would embarrass the RF if the are not already embarrassed. I never heard of MM before she married PH. But she truly is “trailer trash” as far as I am concerned.
    Maybe PH and the RF are beginning to “slowly” realize this.

    Liked by 1 person

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