Royal round-up: 19th October

Happy Saturday, all!

We’re a bit earlier with proceedings this week, but as I know I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow, I didn’t want to let you all down in regards to postings, so got my arse in gear a little earlier this time round.

It’s been a very busy week for royalty (oh, and Harry and Meghan), therefore this is a bit of a lengthy one.

So pour yourself a drink, get comfy on the sofa and let’s review the week’s highlights!

The Cambridges take Pakistan

One good thing to emerge and distract us all from the Sussex Shit Show.

Yep, William and Catherine, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, undertook a four-day royal tour of Pakistan earlier this week, further doing us all proud and allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief that William was born before Harry.

I was particularly impressed with Catherine really embracing the trip and making a real effort to don the traditional clothing (which she looked totally amazing in, by the way).

“What d’ya think babes, shall we convert to Islam? I look well bangin’ in a headscarf, innit.”

Can you imagine Meghan being told she needed to wear a salwar kameez?

And while we’re mentioning Mrs Sussex, I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to how a headscarf should be worn in a place of worship vs. how it definitely should not be fucking worn:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge (left) and some washer-woman from Lahore (right)

Yes, take note Meghan. The way yours was done up is reminiscent of how I cover my head with my own scarf when it’s raining and I’ve forgotten my umbrella.

But despite the Sussexes successes, the Cambridges had a few scary moments though, when their aircraft that departed from Lahore back to Islamabad hit really rough turbulence during a storm, and was forced to abort TWO landings, eventually heading back to Lahore, where they had originally departed from.

That was the story from the journalists onboard anyway, but for a brief second, I did wonder if Meghan and Harry had maybe tampered with the aircraft.

…fuck with the second-in-line to the throne’s aircraft”

The Duke of Cambridge joked that it was “really scary”, largely due to the fact that he “spilt his Vodka tonic” during the turbulence.

Protecting the alcohol during turbulence – a man after my own heart.

The couple eventually returned to Islamabad the next morning before flying back on to London, but not before using their extra time in Lahore usefully, and spending another two hours at the orphanage they had visited earlier in the week.

Overall, a hugely successful tour for The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge; I always admire their willingess and enthusiasm to get involved in everything and how warm and approachable they always are with everyone. I’m sure they had a cracking time out there.

“The ball is Meghan’s head, the ball is Meghan’s head…”

Harry holds Archie
Like an undiffused bomb out in Afghanistan, but we’ll get to that later.

Yes, Sussex fans lost their minds earlier this week when “unseen” photos emerged of Prince Harry holding his son Archie in Africa, for the second time ever in public.
It was apparently truly shocking and front page news – to see a father hold his own kid.

I too lost my mind – but for very different reasons. Yes folks, it is becoming more and more apparent that neither Sussex parent is spending much time with Sussex Spawn, as Harry appears to face the same difficulties as his wife when it comes to holding their 5-month-old son in a safe manner.

Fucking hell Harry – he’s a baby, not a hand grenade – hold him properly

Maybe they’re trying to set a new trend of carrying your child halfway down your torso for 2020, or perhaps they just didn’t spend enough time practising in the mirror before going out into public that day, but I have no idea why they hold Archie like they’re about to drop him.

Reckon they’ve been taking tips from this dude

While Harry struggled to wipe the “this-is-the-first-fucking-time-I’ve-held-him” look off his face, Meghan was also busy trying to play the ‘doting mother’, making sure the cameras caught her planting a kiss on her son’s head.
The problem, however, is that she was also unable to control her own face too, and the cameras picked up on her side-eyeing the photographers to make sure they had captured the ‘money shot’.

“Did they get the shot yet? No? Well fucking hurry up – he smells of sick.”

I kind of feel sorry for Archie; he’s only a baby, and much like the Kardashian kids, is only really trotted out when he needs to be used as a prop to garner some popularity for his parents – something that appears to be fast-becoming a theme for them.

Spent too much money this month? Bring out Archie!
Pissed off the taxpayers by taking yet another private jet? Chuck us the baby!
Royal tour going to flop? This oughta do it.

Considering neither of them seem comfortable holding a child they have been parents to for nearly half a year, I’d wager that Archie lives with the nanny in a separate wing of Frogmore, only being handed over to mummy and daddy for public appearances and special occasions.

“Ok – the three minute Christmas Cuddle Time is over now!”

Archie my love, for your sake, I hope you’re walking soon; that way you won’t have to worry about these two losers potentially dropping you on your head, and you can haul ass outta Windsor in the near future.

“Yeah, are you out front in the car? Don’t worry about the toys, let’s just grab a few of the crown jewels and get the fuck outta here before my mum notices I’m gone.”

Harry has a breakdown at the WellChild awards

There was so much wrong with this entire appearance that I spent a good ten minutes looking at my laptop before even writing this sentence, not even knowing where to begin.

But I think I’ll start with Meghan’s outfit.

The open mouth ain’t doing her any favours either, but I guess old habits die hard

Sussex fans got really excited about the fact that Meghan re-wore her green engagement dress (while for the sake of our taxes, the rest of us were just relieved she had actually reworn anything at all).

The dress itself is nice, but… (how do I put this?)… I think it may have fit better two years ago.
I know it sounds catty, but that dress was clinging to all the wrong places like she had stuffed herself into sausage casing instead of a standard midi dress – and something tells me she was aware of this, given the coat draped over her shoulders to (quite literally) cover her arse and what I can only assume was a case of savage VPL.

And honestly, I’m sick to the back teeth of this half-worn coat shit.
I put my coat on like that when I’m popping downstairs at work to go for a cigarette. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it must be wearing it like that all night, and especially to a semi-formal event. Oh, and when you’re attending as a member of the royal family.

Moving on from this, the second thing that quite frankly, freaked the fuck out of me, was the momentary stomach-touch from Meghan before they entered the venue.

Drop me the fuck out

Guys, I’m telling you, if this woman is pregnant again, I will personally contact NASA and ask them to strap me to whatever rocket is being launched into outer space next. I’m not mentally prepared to go through another 18 months of stomach holding and coat-flicking, and I’m sure you guys aren’t either.

I’ve sat, silently praying, and wondering of the other possible reasons she could’ve done this…

She could have just had a case of period bloating and cramping?

“One’s period is really fucking with one’s stomach this month.”

Maybe she ate too many of the spices Will and Kate brought back from Pakistan and needed to get to a bog?

“Bet it was that fucking garam masala Kate gave me.”

Or maybe the camera caught her in the split second she was smoothing down her dress?

“Don’t mind me – one’s Spanx are just riding up one’s arse.”

But let’s not lie though; she’s 38, clearly looking to maximise her divorce settlement and knows her days within the BRF are numbered – realistically, and unfortunately, she’s probably pregnant again.

But without an announcement (yet), I won’t dwell on this too much – so let’s move on nicely to the main issue of the night: Harry seemingly losing his shit onstage.

Yes, Harry, talking about when Meghan was “newly knocked up” with Archie reduced him to tears (for some reason), sending the Sussex Sheep into meltdown about how “amazing” Harry was as a father, all because he was desperately seeking attention onstage.

You may wanna learn how to actually hold him first before you start shovelling out your public declarations of love for him

Putting all that aside – wasn’t this an event for children? And yet again, one half of the Sussex duo sought to make it all about themselves (for possibly the millionth time this year).

Harry, so “overcome with emotion”, took a beat to compose himself, before continuing with his little speech all about himself and his family. I have to say, I’m slightly impressed – his acting skills are marginally better than that of his wife.

She ain’t buying whatever shit he’s selling though

Or maybe Meghan really is pregnant again and his breakdown was out of sheer panic that Ikea may be running out of extra-padded cushions this time of year for Mrs Sussex to shove up her jumper for the second time.

It’s alright mate – they still do the triple padding ones, they’re only 40 quid and still in stock at the Wembley store

Or maybe he just wasn’t used to standing without Meghan hanging off his arm? If that was the case, the lady next to him very kindly stepped in to offer her arm-grabbing services.

“You good? Shall I fetch Meghan?”

Whatever it was, it was a total fucking embarassment.
A grown 35-year-old, former army man in floods of tears onstage because his wife (allegedly) pushed a baby out of her Royal box, like so many others before her?

Come off it, mate. Let’s hope Meghan gifts you your balls back in time for Christmas.

– Archie giving his dad a pep talk

Harry and Meghan’s interview

This is another one that I do not know where to begin with.

Apparently, in what appears to be a desperate attempt to garner some much-needed sympathy for them, Harry and Meghan thought it would be a good idea to do a small interview while out in Africa with Tom Bradbury from ITV – because what better way to endear yourself to others than by whining about how difficult it is being so rich and famous.

“It’s just so difficult being me, yah”

Harry, still clinging to the ‘my-mother-died-22-years-ago-therefore-give-me-a-free-pass-for-everything’ card, didn’t miss (yet another) opportunity to drop her name in there, hoping that it would do the trick to get an outpouring of love and support from the public he and his wife have spent three years sticking two fingers up at:

Every time I hear a camera click or see a camera flash, I am reminded of my mother.

(or some other shit to that effect).

Well you weren’t that arsed when you were dressing up as a Nazi or shagging strippers in Vegas hotel rooms, but go ahead, we’re listening.

Poor, poor little Prince Harry; such a prisoner of his own fame and wealth – with such real problems, such as his driver turning up ten minutes late to the palace last week or the personal chef forgetting to make his favourite dessert. A moment of silence for him, please – he really has it rough.

And then Meghan, silently wetting herself next to Prince Harry in panic in case she didn’t get a chance to speak, chimed in right on cue:

“Alright ginger bollocks, that’s quite enough – can I bloody speak now?”

Ok, she didn’t say that, but she did say this:

Maybe because we don’t give a shit

Hun, who the fuck is meant to ask you if you’re ok when you and your husband expressly told your neighbours that they’re not allowed to approach you if they see you in public? You can’t tell people to piss off and then whine that they actually have.
After that, I’d wager the last thing they give a shit about is your mental wellbeing, and I can’t say I blame them.

And then, it just got worse, really.

Oh yeah it bloody well can

Meghan went on to tell us all how ‘vulnerable’ she felt – like she wasn’t the one who organised all those pap strolls in Toronto back in the day to make sure she was seen.

Or made sure the press knew every time she made a ‘secret’ trip to London to see Harry while they were still dating.

Or like she can’t sniff out a camera from ten miles away like a Great White Shark with a drop of blood in the ocean.

Vulnerable my arse

She talked about the ‘pressures’ of being under the media spotlight as a new mother and having her every move documented – all while actually willingly standing in front of a camera to be documented for a worldwide broadcast.

Media outlets ran stories upon stories, claiming that during the interview, Meghan was ‘close to tears’ while speaking of her plight.

No, she wasn’t ‘close to tears’ (although she was trying damn hard to be). She was squeezing her face so hard at one point to try and feign emotion, I feared it was more likely she’d end up with a shart, rather than any signs of eye leakage.

Let’s just say, it isn’t a bloody mystery why she was never able to crack Hollywood.

I feel like the comments about the difficulties of being a new mother were to garner some support and sympathy from the people on MumsNet or something, in the hope they’d be all like:

But in reality, I fear people were more like:

No honey, nobody can relate to you; your husband is the Queen’s grandson, you live in a property just off Windsor Castle grounds, you have a round-the-clock nanny and your kid is seventh in line to the throne.
Something tells me you wouldn’t have much in common with the ladies in the local mums group.

All jokes aside, I have to say – I am utterly horrified that they chose their tour of Africa to broach this subject.

They chose to whine about their undeserved, over-privileged lives, while conducting a royal tour on behalf of the Queen to the most poverty-stricken continent on the planet?
Do either of these two consider whether or not they have a single brain cell between them before the open their mouths?

Honestly, this week has been so exhausting with these two, it’s physically given me a headache trying to document it all. If there is a pregnancy announcement next week and you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve been admitted to the local asylum.

But otherwise, Sussex Stupidness not withstanding, I will see all you lovelies next weekend! Have a great week!

40 responses to “Royal round-up: 19th October”

  1. Brilliant….just brilliant!

    1. Thank you my love! πŸ’–

    2. Once again. Brilliant. You have such a skill to zero in on the shit. LMAO. Thank you

      1. Thank you my love! πŸ’–

  2. Another wonderful post! You really nail it, and the images/captions are so funny! Thank you for taking the time to put these hilarious post together. It’s wonderful to see how well you see through them and how well you point out what an embarrassment they are.

    The posters at GOMI blog have MeAgain and Ginger dimwit laser focused as well. Nobody is approving of these two clown behaviors but the paid BOTS who are out in force until the p.r. money runs out.

    William & Kate showed them just how a Royal Tour should be from representatives of the BRF, how you should be dressed, what your remarks should be about when you meet/address the people you’ve come to visit, and the region you are supposed to be highlighting is what should be emphasized. They did it with genuine interest and enjoyment.

    Harry & MeAgain should just stay home. Forever. Until red haired pasty skinned Parchie runs away, glad to be away from these two narcissistic dimwits.

    So unbelievable she’s giving an interview to complain about how intrusive the press attention is (eye roll) and then whining about how she asked been asked how she is by enough people.
    What happened to her hubby, Oprah, Serena and Amal and her staff? Oh that’s right, she alienated her whole family so they aren’t going to ask. Come to think of it, she has done her best to alienate every other member of the BRF so they aren’t going to care.

    Racism my flat white bottom. It’s cause you’re unlikeable, dear.

    1. Hahahahah that last sentence had me rolling πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I totally agree with everything you’ve said – why haven’t they worked out by now that simply staying quiet is the best course of action for them?

      And you’re very welcome re your comments in the first half of your post; I enjoy making people laugh and I’m glad it does just that – I’ll keep going for as long as I can πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

  3. Awesome as always! Laughed all the way through, except the part about you being committed. Thank you for your blog

    1. Hahaha no worries my lovely and thank you!! I appreciate it πŸ’–

  4. LOVE IT! Megan is coming across as a nut case more and more. WTF does Harry have to have somebody constantly patting him and basically holding him up? He’s got serious issues, too…..

    1. Thank you my darling! πŸ’“ and yeah they both definitely have serious deep-seated issues and huge egos – the two don’t go hand in hand.

  5. Fabulous post.Love it X

    1. Thank you lovely! πŸ’“

  6. Don’t believe for a moment she was pregnant the first time. Lots have said harry was laughing. Im done with these two. I would be better off giving myself an enema than wasting my waning years on their BS. Probably how QE feels too.

    1. Hahaha the enema comment made me laugh πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I go back and forth on the surrogacy theory – I’m never totally convinced either way but it’s fun to joke about πŸ˜‰

  7. You nailed it!

    1. Thank you darling! 😘

  8. LOVE your post! It was awesome. I can only add one comment: Meghan’s insane.

    That’s the only explanation possible for the stunts she’s pulling. A sane Hollywood actress of two decades (even one dense as a rock), would have the sense to know the 3 cardinal rules of Tinsel Town: dress well, suck up to the powers that be, and NEVER piss off the press. Meghan’s not only ignored these 3 rules, she’s lowered her dirty panties and shat glistening turds on them. She’s worn outfits so ghastly you scream and go blind at the sight, she’s told the Queen of England to piss over a tiara and visit from baby Archie, and, last but not least, Meghan’s suing the press. If this isn’t insanity, nothing is.

    1. Thank you so much! πŸ’– I am howling at your comment πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      But those rules are correct; the press (and public) are essentially their bread and butter – without either one, they are basically fucked. Once you piss the press off as badly as she has, it’s game over: they will NEVER be anywhere near forgiving ever again. They are essentially in media exile now and it’ll only get worse. Once they divorce, which I’m fairly certain they will in the next couple of years, Harry will be left on his arse without any media support or public sympathy when he needs it the most. He clearly hasn’t thought ten steps ahead and if he thinks this woman is in it as his wife for the long haul, he’s denser than I thought.

      1. Harry’s one hope is that he’s royal blood; he can lose his titles, money and goodwill but he’ll never lose his blood. No matter what, he’ll still be royal. Meghan, however, will be nothing if she loses all that. Unfortunately for her, she’s too stupid to realize that so she’ll divorce Harry anyway and then get the wake up call of ten lifetimes when she lands in LA chirping “I’m ready for my close up”. Forty minutes later she’ll be sniveling on the bus to her mom’s house.

      2. Hahahaha this is so true. I reckon they’ll pay attention to her for five seconds when she dishes out the first televised tell-all’s post-divorce, but that’s the extent of it. Once that initial buzz wears off, she’ll be left on her arse. I’m sure she’ll write a book or something as well. She’ll milk it for as long as she can.

  9. littlemisshappy120 avatar

    Written so well as always!
    You say all the things I am thinking but find unable to articulate in such a humorous way!

    Love it 😍 XO

    1. Thank you so much my lovely! I really appreciate that and am so happy you’re enjoying the blog πŸ’–

  10. I read that they’re getting ready to take some β€œwell-earned time off” after the next rounds of royal engagements wrap up…hold up, didn’t they just have two weeks of holidaying in and around the Riviera? I guess the stress of screwing up on the podium and pretending pregnancy require some more R&R.

    BTW, yet another brilliant post!

    1. Thank you my love πŸ’– and right! A break from what? We’ll hear about them non stop in those weeks, rest assured. She’ll make sure they’re papped arriving in LA for thanksgiving too.

  11. Bravo πŸ‘
    Another glorious blog post that left me snorting with laughter. Thank baby Jesus for Will & Kate. They are a breath of fresh air in a room the Sussexes just crop dusted. Only Megs would attempt a Virgin Mother cosplay and end up looking like the whore of Babylon.

  12. I don’t doubt that Harry remains deeply traumatised by his mother’s death – my father died suddenly when I was 13 and I feel it to this day (I’m 65) and his death and the subsequent grief wasn’t made into a worldwide media circus. What I do think is that M’s narcissistic behaviour ( and it is – who whinges about how hard their life is when they’ve just seen real poverty and what it means to people, not to mention the cringe-making ‘and no-one asks after ME’) is pushing him into a real breakdown. These two have circled the wagons and see themselves as them against the world when the real problem is much closer to home.

    1. I don’t doubt he still misses his mum – I hope it’s a long time before I know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I’m sure the pain is still there years later. But what I do find disrespectful is him blatantly using his mum’s name to garner sympathy for him and his wife. It’s pitiful and uncalled for. Totally agree with your comment xx

  13. Saffy, hand on heart, you nailed it, again ! I read today, these two are taking a six week break ! We can only hope, that will mean a complete press embargo on them ! There are so many things, these two do, that rev me off the clock, but I flipped my noodles, when I saw the clips of them moaning and whinging in SA. They literally had just seen the worst of how people live. Hunger, illness, crime, fear, the list goes on ! And they stood there and complained about how bad life is for them ! What does that say about the so called ‘humanitarians’ ?
    I wonder if this six week break, is the palace’s way of reining them in ! The damage they’ve done, in the short time they’ve been married as been nothing more than catastrophic to the Monarchy !
    Thanks Saffy for a brilliant post, and for keeping us all smiling through this ! Have a great week ! xx

    1. Thank you my lovely – I really appreciate it! πŸ’ž and i couldn’t believe the audacity either. They were on a tour meeting the most poverty-stricken areas and they had the gall to moan about their fortune? Such idiots, both of them. I’m sure the palace had a hand in this “break”. I’d prefer if they disappeared altogether!

  14. As ever, I read with your usual hilarity and comedy of the hapless duo versus Regal Royals D&D Cambridge -BUT – I need a comment at the start to put down my drink, stop eating, swallow & then read as the laptop, my clothes & in this occasion the bedding all took a heavy toll of malted wheats & a mix of seeds!

    I am having withdrawal feelings of no new pictures of the D&D Cambridge in Pakistan – they certainly showed the reality of How to do a Royal Tour! The Silly Sussex Sheep are getting themselves into an incredible state of poor Megsy not being asked if she is ok enough – the doll can’t talk, she’s fired the nannies, Hapless Harry doesn’t live with her & there is a possibility that either MadMegs has ghosted her mother or the other way around (possibly nutmegs Mum has realised that with $9M in HER account she should move home, ghost RMM as otherwise the money will be used by her ignorant offspring)

    Have a lovely day & week ahead!

  15. As always great reading on a Sunday morning with a cuppa! I personally think Harry started laughing because he couldn’t believe the s@$! she wrote for him to read so had to make out he was overcome with emotion before he upchucked. Yeh right Harry we can all read you like the Sunday paper. When I think of these two clowns the fembot in Austin Powers movie comes to mind where her head actually explodes. You really can’t make this s#$! up…..oh wait a minute.. you can πŸ˜‰

  16. First, thank you for the palate cleanser! LOL!

    This might be your best yet; by the Tom Ellis gif I’d already laughed out loud 3 times and spilt my latte. A winner, I think!

    I’ve nothing to add except God bless the Cambridge family… and of course HMTQ.

  17. Time off??? From what? Too many interviews with crocodile tears? Did they get carpel tunnel from all that writing on bananas? However, if he’s having issues, that would be about the right amount of time for him to go inpatient somewhere to get help. Either that, or perhaps she’s going to rehab.

  18. Either that, or perhaps the Queen got sick of this crap and put them in a giant timeout.

  19. Saffy, please can you explain to me why Queen Elizabeth, Prince Phillip, Princess Anne, Camilla, Edward, Sophie, and the Senior Courtiers at Buckingham Palace, etc. all haven’t banded together and put the complete kibosh on these two clowns already? Once Princess Diana did Panorama, Queen E immediately insisted they divorce, and she was cut off from everything they could cut her off from. Why is this all being tolerated in silence like it is? Why are they still given duties representing the Crown? I am at a total loss. It’s hurting the Monarchy and everyone in the BRF must know it.
    Please clue me in…

  20. Good to see you again πŸ™‚
    I thought I was bored of these two and then all of a sudden they pull such an ace from their sleeves! Harry definitely deserves the title of Dunce of the Week: first, he bursts out laughing at an awards ceremony (emotional tears these were not); then he holds his almost-six-months-old son as if he was holding a baby for the first time, all stiff and not moving because it might bother the baby – most of us looked like this when we were still in school and aunties thought holding one’s infant nephew was an event. And to sum it all up, he hates the press and shutterclicks are a trigger. And this man went to WAR, for God’s sake. Did he ever leave the barracks then? Afghanistan was not summer camp.
    And then there’s the missus, who’s “struggling” and merely “existing, not living”, because one should not survive, but thrive. Does she mean she can’t take more vacations by jet?
    Once again, I can’t believe the immaturity levels. And I can’t believe no one is stepping in to stop this train wreck.

  21. Hi! Long time reader, first time poster. I love your blog–it’s funny and insightful, and I look forward to your posts each week.

    The Sussex interview doesn’t air here in the U.S. until Wednesday, I think, but I probably won’t watch it; I’ve watched and read plenty of excerpts, as well as a lot of commentary. If *what* they said wasn’t tone-deaf enough, the timing and location alone was enough to damn them. I mean–it–they–what–SERIOUSLY?!?

    Honestly, I think taking a break is a good idea, but they need six months, not six weeks. Harry is clearly having a breakdown, and six weeks might be enough to stabilize him, but do little in terms of recovery. As for Meghan, I think six months of no official (or unofficial) duties of any kind and all social media handled by Palace PR will demonstrate, once and for all, if she’s a marathon runner, or a sprinter. Also, it will give her a chance to address whatever is going on in her head, too; I can’t tell how much of what we saw was postnatal depression, her being a drama llama, or both, but it was UGLY!

  22. Aloha from across the pond! Stumbled across this treasure of a blog when I was trying to find out if, hopefully, not all Brits have gone kookoo over the Bmovies divorcee actress from crazy Cali. How refreshing to see that you all haven’t! I think this latest ‘sabbatical’ joke takes the cake! Harry baby certainly has some mental health issues (why else the huge emphasis on mental health lately) and the ‘duchess’ is not helping but taking advantage of it. Of course, H did not have her sign a pre-nup so she’s set for life. The only one I feel sorry for here is Archie. Who I hope goes to City Hall, or y’alls equivalent of it, and changes his name as soon as he turns 18.

    1. Actually, how do we know he didn’t have her sign a pre-nup? Surely the royal family isn’t going to chance someone divorcing and taking off with tons of money?

  23. Oh my lawd…I’m glad I wasn’t eating when I read this! Funny af! Little attention troll MM needs to get a life and learn from the Duchess of Cambridge.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: