Royal round-up: 11th August

Hello and Happy Sunday all!
I just want to start off by saying I am hugely appreciative of all the lovely comments, both on here and Twitter, since I admitted I was having a few issues of late.
I am incredibly grateful for and touched by everyone’s support; I’m doing better and better – just trying to take care of myself and take it easy.
Writing the blog again was strangely therapeutic for me, and a nice distraction, so without further ado – back to the bitching!

Meghan edits Vogue
Bloody hell, who let this one out of her box? 

So apparently, when Meghan “fell off the radar” sometime in March and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief that she’d vanished, she had in fact parked her (rather wide) arse over at the Vogue offices to “guest edit” the September issue. 

Apart from the fact I cannot walk around my home city of London without seeing giant billboards announcing that “Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex” (lol) edited this issue, even more to my annoyance, I cannot see how her doing this has benefitted anyone (apart from herself obviously, but that’s nothing new). 

So it’s supposed to be fifteen “influential women” on the front cover, but instead of choosing regular, inspirational ladies (unlike herself), she (predictably) whacked a load of celebrities on the front page, further shoving her nose up the arses of the Hollywood folk. 

Then – she made it worse, by taking a not-so-subtle jab at Kate by saying she “didn’t want to be on the cover of the magazine because it was ‘boastful’”.

As we all know, Catherine took the cover (rather beautifully) in 2016 – so of course, Meghan had to take a cheap shot at her – largely out of jealousy, I’m sure. 

Well Meghan, even as the shy, retiring flower that you are (double lol) I’m sure the main reasons you dodged being on the cover were:

A) because it’s British and quite frankly, fuck that
B) because she didn’t want her “I’ve-given-up-cocaine-but-been-on-the-donuts” face to be on the cover. She knew she couldn’t compete with Kate, so didn’t bother trying.

It’s ok Meghan, if you didn’t want your “pregnant” face to be on the cover, there are plenty of old-but-gold ones to choose from. 


Harry and Meghan will only have two kids (thank fuck)

Is that a promise, Harry?

Yep, this time it was Harry’s turn to take a swipe at the Cambridges – when he told us all that we should only have two kids each because having any more than that was “damaging to the planet”.

What a nice way to tell your youngest nephew, Prince Louis, that he shouldn’t be here

It’s ok Hazza old mate, thanks for sticking your oar in (yet again) but as the rest of us make our own money and give back to the economy – and you and your useless wife do not – I think each individual private citizen can make their own decisions about how many times they’d like to reproduce.

In any case, I do suspect Harry’s comments are also because he’s aware that at 38, Meghan’s baby making days are almost up, so he’s gotta cover his arse somehow. 

That’s until he marries the next (younger) wife and she wants kids of her own, of course.

Yeah – let’s see you back your ass outta that one

Since we’re dishing out advice and judging by the way Mrs Sussex has been carrying the first baby around like a sack of spuds, I’d tell Harry not to bother having anymore at all: it’s been enough of a fiasco with Sussex Spawn Number 1, let alone us having to endure another one of Meghan’s “pregnancies” with her hands superglued to her stomach and going out of her way to keep things as “mysterious” as possible regarding the birth.

Yeah – better not.

Don’t worry, Harry; we only wish Princess Diana had taken your advice even more seriously and stopped at one kid. 

The King’s Cup

So last week, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge went head-to-head on the Isle of Wight in a sailing competition to raise money for their respective charities – an event they hope to make an annual occurrence.

We all know how competitive the Cambridges can get, and it was no surprise when William couldn’t resist teasing Kate when her team came last – due to starting the second race a bit ahead of everyone else.
For her trouble, she was given this lovely wooden spoon for being disqualified, much to her husband’s amusement:

As well as a host of celebrities sailing on behalf of a wide variety of other charities (some that also have the Duchess of Cambridge as their patron), the royal couple were also joined by their two eldest children, Prince George and Princess Charlotte, and Kate’s parents, Carole and Michael Middleton.

And of course, 4-year-old Princess Charlotte stole the show after she stuck her tongue out at the crowds when her mother asked her to wave to onlookers – much to the amusement of her mum and grandmother. Cute!

Meghan’s clothing line and book
Blimey, we have a ho of all trades here.

Yes, it was announced recently that Meghan is apparently teaming up with Marks and Spencers to design a clothing range in the very near future.

I don’t know if anybody told Meghan this, but Marks and Sparks is hardly haute couture; I’m willing to bet she approached Givenchy, but they quickly told her where to go. 

– The House of Givenchy

Let’s be real here, Marks and Spencer’s do better food than they do clothes and they’re really more of a place you’d dash in to buy your kid’s socks at the last minute before they go back to school, but if Meghan thinks she can elevate their profile and turn them into the next Harrods, more power to her.

Though I’ve got more chance of becoming the next monarch

And a book! Yes, she apparently wants to pen a children’s book. About what exactly, I couldn’t tell you – but I’m willing to bet she’ll somehow make it all about herself.

“Just can’t get over how amazing dis is gonna be”

There once was a little girl named Meghan, who grew up with a cruel and evil father, who paid for her private education and supported her no matter what, and a wonderful amazing mother, who allegedly did time at one point and missed out on a portion of her childhood. 


Little Meggy spent her days attending acting auditions, waitressing in the hopes of funding her big break and trying to ditch her hillbilly half-siblings because, you know, they were ruining her image.

“Thanks – y’all can fuck off now.”

After years of working the yachts, Soho House and every casting couch in Los Angeles, Meghan – who was now in her thirties and quite frankly, fucking tired – finally realised that she was never going to be Marilyn Monroe; and so, she flew to England to make a new bunch of friends and see which loaded, eligible men would have her.

It turned out – not many. Until one friend mentioned that she knew a dipshit, rich British Prince who was (incredibly) desperate for a wife and kids and would probably marry the first girl that fell into his lap.

“Excellent!” exclaimed Little Meggy. “And his grandmother’s the Queen of Britain?

As Little Meggy and her friend clinked their glasses of champagne and downed another few rounds of sambuca, the two plotted how to put her in the Prince’s path.

A few awkward dates and a couple of long-distance shags later, Little Meggy was certain she was on her way to becoming Prince Prat’s wife.

And one evening, after too many glasses of wine and as Meghan set a roast chicken alight while trying to make a ‘romantic’ dinner, (she shouldn’t have pretended to know how to cook), Prince Prat popped the question – and asked her to become his wife.

“Sorry – I couldn’t hear you over the fucking smoke alarm.”

Yes! This was it! Little Meggy and her Magical Boobs had done it. She was going to be a Princess! 

Some six months later, Little Meggy and Prince Prat married at Windsor Castle (even though Meggy had thrown a tantrum about the dusty church and expressed a desire to marry at Westminster Abbey instead) and at last, she was Princess Meggy of Slutsex.

(…clean you out in the divorce.)

Not long after, and following several occasions of Princess Meggy viciously flushing her birth control down the palace’s toilet, she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, Prince Archie. 

“Listen, you have no idea how much cocaine-snorting I had to cut back on, so don’t you dare fucking drop him, or this was all for nothing.”

Ok… so he wasn’t a Prince and she didn’t actually give birth to him herself, but it wasn’t like Princess Meggy was going to let that old trout The Queen tell her what her son could or could not be called. Or how he was delivered (via Amazon prime, actually). 

” Thank fuck for that too – I nearly missed the 10pm cut-off for next-day delivery!”

All that aside – they all lived happily ever after.

(Until Meghan got fed up of high society dinners and being stuck at home with a baby and fucked off back to America.)

“And they fucking shoved me in economy, too.”

Ok – I’m not sure that’s quite the version she was planning on penning, but mine is probably more factual and deserving of a Nobel Prize, so Meghan, feel free to take your cue from me.

How the “Fab Four” fell apart 
Well, I’m not so sure there was ever a “fab four” to begin with, but let’s humour the headlines a sec.
Apparently the real fall-out between the Cambridges and the Sussexes happened just after Ginger and Nutmeg’s wedding last year, when the Sussexes stormed over to Will and Kate’s house in the middle of night to have it out with them.

“We know you in there bitches – open the damn door!”

Apparently dear old Meggers didn’t feel that she was “getting enough support” from the Cambridges and so, riled her new husband up and sent him over to yell at his brother, Jeremy Kyle-style.

Rather apt.

Yeah – a woman who had just gotten married decided to go toe-to-toe with a woman who’d just had a baby – because apparently neither woman had anything more important to be focusing on at that point in their lives. Just call her “Mature Meghan”.

In any case, apparently the Cambridges decided to be the bigger people and told Harry and Meghan they’d support them a bit more in the future.

Kate apparently even went over with a bunch of flowers the next day – presumably gritting her teeth the whole time to prevent her telling Meghan exactly where she could put them – and the two women even decided to go to Wimbledon together.

“Just popped over for a cuppa.”

In any case, this story aside, I do believe there was trouble even a bit before the wedding. I think it definitely worsened afterwards but judging by the fact the BRF looked like they were re-attending Diana’s funeral at the royal wedding, I’d say relationships were frayed for quite some time.

Though if my brother and his wife stormed over to my house in the middle of the night while my three small children slept upstairs, and challenged me to some sort of dual, you can bet I’d tell them both to fuck off.

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that relationship is damaged worse than Windsor Castle during it’s 1992 fire; and the only thing Kate will be doing next time she pops into Chez Sussex is helping Manipulative Markle pack her bags.

“No no Meghan, allow me – we can get it done faster with two of us.”

Anyway guys – that’s all for this week, but as there’s so much coming out of the woodwork these days, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of material for next week.

I’ll see you all then, my lovelies! 💋

47 responses to “Royal round-up: 11th August”

  1. What a fantastic read for your return. Loved it. Glad you’re feeling a lot better XXX

    1. Thank you my lovely! Xx

  2. Henry VIII's 7th wife avatar
    Henry VIII’s 7th wife

    Ha-ha, another great post with hysterically fun and very aft GIF’s! Glad you are feeling a bit better. Consistently treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. Hope it is okay to recommend an amazing website for relationship advice called Baggage Reclaim UK that was the ONLY thing that ever got me to gradually go from feeling like a helpless ruin to having stability and clarity. Natalie is really amazing, and her phone or email sessions are worth every penny.

    1. Thank you so much for the advice – and for the lovely comment – much appreciated xx

  3. Henry VIII's 7th wife avatar
    Henry VIII’s 7th wife

    apt, not aft. sorry for the typo!

  4. I’m so happy you are back and hopefully feeling better. The Harkles show is getting better than watching reality tv. I’m so sad they have turned the monarchy into a vulgar show. I’m American but I have always loved Britain and the BRF. I’m a huge history nerd and have extensively read up on British history all the way back to when William the Conqueror came over. It’s so fascinating. The fact that Handbag and Sparkles are turning this into trashy commercialism for themselves is just….UGH. You can bet they won’t let another American divorcée in after this sh*tshow. Have a wonderful week!

    1. Thank you darling! And it’s so true – bloody entertaining but I think they’ve learnt their lesson with this one. After her, everyone will be properly vetted on their way in! Thanks again and have a lovely week also xx

  5. Hilarious as always! So happy you’re back. Hope all is well with you!

    1. Thank you darling! Xx

  6. So happy to hear you’re feeling better Saffy ! Long may it continue! 👏 xx
    Another hilarious and on point post ! 😂
    I read the Cambridge’s are postponing their trip to Balmoral, until the ‘other two’ have left ! Can’t say I blame them ! Between Harry bleating on about only having two kids, and Meagain, playing at being bashful, not wanting to appear on the cover of Vogue. I can’t blame Will & Kate ! The thought of being shacked up with H&M within the toxic atmosphere they’ve created, would have me running for the hills !

    1. Thank you my darling! And totally agree – I’d do it too if I were them. Bet they try and avoid them at all costs. How sad that this is how William and Harry are now with each other xx

    2. I hope they ARE postponing their trip to Balmoral, and spending time with Grandma and Grandad Middleton instead. The Middleton’s seem to be relaxed and fun!

  7. Welcome back! The spectacle we have been treated to lately is the best evidence I feel that Archie is not real. They haven’t acted like new parents one bit and appear much more interested in convincing us of their projects. Finally, did anyone else feel like MM deliberately let readers think she and MO met over “a lunch of chicken tacos?” If I were MO I would feel used.

    1. Thank you lovely! And totally agree – what the hell is going on? No mention of the kid ever. Such bizarre behaviour. xx

  8. I’m so glad you’re better! Love this week’s post… you set your spurs and out comes the whip!! Perfection!

    As an aside, please don’t send the Duchess of Duplicity back here to the colonies. Canada’s nice this time of year… 😉

    1. Hahahaha don’t worry – we’ll try not to do that to you! And thank you so much 😊 xx

  9. Add a few details and a couple more chapters to your book and you will have a bestseller. Then you can retire at least for a few years. I do so admire your well-crafted postings. You capture the absurdity of these two jokers.

    1. You’re so lovely! Thank you very much XX

  10. You never disappoint!

    1. Thank you lovely! Xx

  11. Glad to see you back. Love the gifs.
    I read some extracts from Vogue – from the editor cant think of his name – can’t be bothered to look him up and her bits and bobs – it was toe curlingly awful – it was like a school project written by teeny girls – actually real teenage girls could have done better. Her writing is banal and unintelligent.
    Oh don’t forget Prince Ponce called us all racists too.

    1. Thank you love! And yeah I was gonna weigh in on Harry insulting us all again, but really didn’t have the energy! Xx

  12. So glad you are back and in your usual sparkling form, Saffy. In spite of all MM’s PR releases I don’t think they made the cut for Balmoral. Do you know if they went? I’m sure we would have had loads of nonsense articles about the Queen baking special birthday cakes for her fave “princess’ if they HAD been invited. They are such dreadful twerps.

    1. Thank you darling! And I’m actually not sure what happened with balmoral… they’ve been awfully quiet, so maybe they did go after all… XX

    2. Clarindette – you do know that a twerp is a pregnant fish? Does this mean something? We know Hazmat has declare only 2 children (saying nothing bar I really don’t want to go through another 12mths of coat flapping & bump cupping!) But pregnant fish lay loads of eggs – that is a worry….. Could the 2 be a few digits short??? Such a pair of prats – or is that sprats? Miaow xx

  13. Yes, thank you!! So happy you’re back and feeling better 😘

    1. Thank you so much my darling! Xx

  14. Darling so glad you’re back and in such fine form too!!! You really are hilarious please keep them coming but don’t overdo it ok?

    1. Thank you my lovely – I really do appreciate that. I’ll take it easy, but writing has been a lot of fun again. Thank you for your comment xx

  15. Your posts are a welcome touch of sanity and humour in this burgeoning debacle. So happy you’re back. Thanks for sharing your witty perspectives.

    1. Thank you so much sweetheart – I really appreciate that xx

  16. Welcome back! The post was worth waiting for. Take good care of yourself.

    1. Thank you so much lovely! Xx

  17. What a great article..I always check if you were back.Thanks for another hilarious blog.Glad you’re feeling better.Can’t wait for the next one

    1. So lovely of you! Thank you darling – glad you’re enjoying the blog Xx

  18. Welcome back hun *blows kisses*. I used to check on you everyday and I squealed when I saw the new article!!! You never disappoint and I love you for that. My favourite part of it was the little Meggy story😂😂😂😂

    1. Thank you my darling!! I so appreciate that and glad you enjoyed the fairytale 😂😂 XX

  19. Another gem! So glad you’re feeling better! x

    1. Thank you lovely!! Xx

  20. Brilliant as ever Saffy – I do enjoy reading your “bitching” although with the current crap with the Sussex Duo I think anyone else writing a blog would be well advised to read through yours first to ensure there is no (cough) copying! My question always comes back to one – Who the Hell does SHE THINK SHE IS? I have also noticed that she is now copying Sponge Bob Square Pants – not sure how the Copyright on that is going! Lots of hugs & sister love! Miaow!! xx

    1. Thank you so much lovely! Xx

  21. So glad you’re feeling better, and please take good care. I like what Henry VIII’s 7th Wife posted about treating yourself as you would your best friend; great advice that I need to heed also.
    You had me laughing at ho of all trades, and it just got more & more funny as I kept reading. Your story was brilliant, and the gifs put it over the top. I have heard that, ironically, her book will be about rescuing dogs. Wonder if she’ll mention the one left behind when she moved to London because he was too old or sick or not fit to travel or whatever lie they came up with. Of course not, but she is running the risk of that coming to the surface again, especially now that the media’s kid gloves seem to be off.
    Guess she forgot her MIL graced the cover of Vogue when she made her stupid & eye-rollingly self-serving boastful comment.
    “Sources” tell me that MM is furious that Harry made the 2 children comment because she has 2 dolls & the multiples pregnancy Moonbumps package ordered so she can announce that they are expecting twins. All she was waiting for was an engagement announcement from Bea. Change of plans – the pregnancy can be leaked at the time of the engagement, and the twins news will leak just before the wedding. And now they will be able to pontificate on how blessed & excited they are, and they would have only had one more, but obviously the universe had other plans and needed 2 more Sussexes who of course are destined for great things. Oh, and by the way, a larger house is needed. And if it isn’t already obvious, “sources” is my imagination 😉 But it’s not completely farfetched with these two.

  22. Wlecome back! It’s so good to know you’re doing better! As for Meghan’s so-called guest editing Vogue, I can’t believe the immaturity level! The whole thing reads like an after-school special on believing in yourself aimed at high school students. Her writing is so pretentious and patronizing (“many moons ago…” etc.) and I guess the little mirror on the cover is so that she can indulge in self-admiration. And I can’t really figure out the goals of most of the so-called activists. What are they campaigining for? What have they achieved recently? You don’t get an answer apart from a strong feeling that Nutmeg doctored the list so that no one would overshadow her. Guess she can’t get over the fact she had to close down her blog that no one heard about before she made Harry name her in an official statement.

  23. I so hope you’re feeling better. Your absence worries me but I hope the worry will turn out to be unfounded. Please take care and know that I’m saying a prayer for you. God bless.

    1. Hello lovely! I’m very well thanks – just did a new post! It explains why I’ve been MIA – nothing bad 😊😊 really appreciate your message xxx

  24. I so hope you’re feeling better

    1. I am lovely, thank you so much 💖

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