Royal Round-Up: 28th July

Happy Sunday all – time for another royal round-up!
Admittedly, I’m writing this with basically one eye; I’ve had an allergy flare up with my right eye last night and woke up looking like Quasimodo, so apologies if there are any typos – the struggle is real today. 

I woke up like dis

Let us begin on a nicer note…

George’s Birthday 
So as we all know, Prince George turned six last week – with a series of (very sweet) photos being released by Kensington Palace – one of which had been snapped on holiday in Mustique by mum Kate. 

I cannot believe how big he has gotten! Feels like that first public appearance for him was only five seconds ago – hope you had a lovely day Prince George!

But don’t worry guys, that “nice note” didn’t last long – largely because the Sussexes can’t keep their noses out of anything for more than ten seconds.

Yes, true to form, there was a comment on Instagram from dear Aunt Meghan and Uncle Harry:

Oh, fuck off

Meghan’s messages get less and less every time, but I find it downright laughable that she couldn’t even be arsed to name him this time around.

I wonder what it will be next year? 

“Yeah, happy bday”

“Have a good one”


“Girl, why you bother posting at all?”

The second thing that always makes me laugh is her outright refusal to acknowledge the Cambridge kids by their titles – likely because she’s still fucked off Archie didn’t get one. 

“We didn’t want a title for him, actually.”

Yeah – my arse.

Meghan, stop throwing your toys out the pram because your kid isn’t a Prince; trust me, you’re lucky YOU even got a title to begin with – and it’s not George, Charlotte and Louis’s fault you didn’t get to their dad first. 

I honestly have a coronary imagining Meghan as Queen. All I can say is – God bless Kate Middleton for ensuring THAT one didn’t happen. 

Kate and Meghan’s “texts about motherhood”
So the Daily Mail (amongst others) ran a story last week talking about how Meghan and Kate apparently exchanged “frequent texts” about motherhood around the time Archie was born. 

Yeah, and I’m Gandhi’s left bollock

Considering the two of them can’t even look at each other when together, much less speak to one another, I’m highly doubtful they’ve exchanged anything other than a few sharp words.

I honestly don’t know why the media are so keen to paint these two as best mates when it’s abundantly clear they don’t have much time for each other.

There were tonnes of photos taken at the polo match and not one of them shows Meghan and Kate interacting at all, much less any interest from the Cambridge kids toward Archie – although it was allegedly the first time they’d met their cousin. 

“No George – I know we don’t like Aunty Meghan, but you mustn’t bash her on the head with the mallet.”

Seriously – this was the first time the Cambridge three had apparently clapped eyes on Archie and they did not go near him once. 

No interest from them toward the baby.
No interaction with Meghan.

So no, somehow, I can’t see Meghan and Kate exchanging texts about the joys of motherhood, what organic veggies they put in the kids’ baby food and what nappy brand reigns supreme. 
In fact; I’d be willing to bet they don’t even have each other’s phone numbers.

“Who, Meghan?”

The Queen to put her foot up Meghan’s arse
As mentioned recently, it’s thought that Meghan and Harry are headed to Balmoral next week to celebrate Meghan’s 38th birthday – which I’m sure Meghan is just wetting her pants in excitement over. 

But while Meghan is expecting a tonne of cake, a lavish tower of Givenchy prezzies and the nanny on hand so she can get smashed in peace without her kid hanging off her, it appears that Her Majesty The Queen has other ideas – a swift kick up the royal arse. 

Apparently QE2 is taking this opportunity to give Meghan a few home truths and try and offer her some guidance on how to conduct herself publicly – advice of which I imagine will fall on deaf ears, even if it is coming from the Queen herself.

You’re not though, are ya babe?

I mean really, when has Meghan ever listened to anything other than her own voice? 
Nevertheless, The Queen is apparently planning on taking her on some long walks around the castle grounds, letting her know where she’s going wrong and how she can right things for herself.

Piss off back to America, perhaps?

Something tells me Meghan won’t like this one though; an elderly lady telling her she can’t spend so much money, needs to think more carefully about the public appearances she makes and should treat her family better?

No – something tells me we won’t be seeing a shift in Meghan’s behaviour. As I’ve said a million times over, Meghan has had nearly two years since the engagement to follow royal protocol and advice, and has failed to do so repeatedly, so I highly doubt you’re going to see a change now.

However, my advice to the Queen (should Meghan become difficult during this chat, which is highly likely) – down a bottle of Highland Whisky, fold back the royal sleeves and don’t be afraid to promptly drown Darling Duchess in the nearest body of water.

“Don’t worry dear – the sea air will do you good!”

Harry and Meghan piss their neighbours off 

So apparently, the Self-Important Sussexes have issued a “list of rules” to all their neighbours, telling them the “dos and donts” of being in Their Royal Highnesses’ presence – because they must have missed the memo that they’re not actually the King and Queen.

The list itself includes stupid shit like “don’t talk to them”, “don’t pet the dog” (which could, in all fairness, have been a reference to Meghan) and “don’t ask to see or babysit Archie”.

Honestly, I’ve never seen such self-absorbed shite in my life.
First of all, after that set of rules, who the hell wants to hold a conversation with these two nobodies anyway? I’d rather shove the royal standard up my arse.

Secondly, what’s with the dog rule? Are they worried their pooch will come to some kind of harm? Because I guarantee it’d be safer in the company of total strangers than it’s owners.
Isn’t Meghan the same woman who abandoned her elderly dog to move to the UK and let another one fall down the stairs and break every bone in it’s body? 

Hun, the only people who should be petting your dog are the bloody RSPCA.

And don’t get me started on the Archie rule.

I don’t know what planet these two are living on, but I imagine it’s one where Archie is the heir to the throne, because they’re certainly bloody treating him as though he is.

“Don’t ask to see him” – who’d bother doing that? 
He’s a baby. He looks like a baby. What is there to see?

(Unless of course you’re just checking to make sure it’s actually a baby, and not a Reborn Doll being pushed around.)

“Please – no pictures of Archie Harrison.”

As for the babysitting rule, I don’t imagine many people would be brazen enough to approach them and ask to take care of their child – although Meghan may take you up on the offer if the nanny’s out of town and she’s exhausted from the six minutes of actually having to deal with her kid.

Otherwise – I don’t suspect many people are arsed.

I have to say though, the funniest part of this all is the fact that pretty much all of their neighbours are people who work on the Frogmore Estate – I.e. staff who will actually keep to themselves and not bother Baldy, Bitchy and The Chosen One. 
And needless to say, those living on the estate are very far from impressed.

I’d imagine a lot of the staff there were supporting the royal family long before Meghan was even blowing people on 90210, so I can understand why they’re furious with the Sussexes. 

If The Queen is able to sit down and have a natter over a cuppa with her staff, there’s zero reason some  second rate actress who shagged her way into British royalty can’t do so either.

“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

I really think we’re seeing the final nail in the coffin in terms of Harry and Meghan’s public image now: they’ve pissed off the public, press and now their hardworking staff, who are apparently good enough to wipe their arses, but not worthy of a cursory “hello”, should they pass them on Frogmore grounds.

Don’t worry guys, I don’t think your “neighbours” would touch you with a ten-foot pole now, unless it was to haul Meghan’s arse over to the airport.

“Bon voyage, bitch.”

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies – off to put another ice pack on my eye and then head out (somewhat blindly) for a Sunday roast with the girls.

Hope you’re all having a great weekend and I’ll see you all next week!

44 responses to “Royal Round-Up: 28th July”

  1. persephonie234 avatar

    OMG thanks for the laugh! I’m so over this delusional snowflake couple. The Queen needs to hand them their walking papers. MeAntoinette has reached the point of no return with the senior royals and now will be packed off to another continent. People should shun her so maybe she won’t talk to us or pet our dogs. We deserve privacy from this clown as well. Sorry the meg commandments doesn’t sit well with me.
    Have a great day everyone!

    1. You’re so welcome and I totally agree with you! 💖 talk about having a rod up your arse! These two are totally insufferable.

  2. Another lovely post! Will you weigh in on the latest news that the Sussex duo have seemingly “cut ties” with Prince Charles? Or will that be in next week’s missive? Keep us the stellar work!! <3

    1. Thank you my darling! 💖 and most definitely will be in next week’s post 😉 doing some reading on it now… very interesting indeed…

    2. I think the reason she’s cutting ties and otherwise being so insufferable especially now H&Ms (Clinton like) foundation is up and running – is that she’s trying to aggravate the RF sooo much that the RF just cut them loose to do their own thing and not be Royals. Neither of them seem to want to be Royals.

      1. And when they leave, they should be stripped of their titles, perks and RPOs.

  3. It’s becoming too much – they’re idiots with not a brain cell to share between them.

  4. Carolyn Brown avatar
    Carolyn Brown

    What a coincidence I’m just watching a very old documentary about Windsor and Prince Phillip is showing us around in his car (no he didn’t hit anyone!). He takes us to Frogmore and then mentions that people can drive and walk around the park. The last king who banned people (even his own staff) was George IV.

    Just seen wedding of Camilla and Charles – loved her dress.

  5. Margaret Santos avatar
    Margaret Santos

    You have an enormous talent for sarcastic humor!! I LOVE your posts….please don’t ever stop!!!! 😊

    1. Thank you so much lovely! I fully appreciate that and will be sure to keep ’em coming! 😉💖

  6. You did miss one of their tricks – when called out on their rules they blamed an over-zealous member of staff, so add disloyalty to the charge sheet. And if she thinks Balmoral is like a five star hotel wow, does she have a shock coming – although the thought of HM yomping MA around the Scottish highlands cheers me up considerably. MA doesn’t strike me as a country type.

    1. I think the Queen will take her out in the land rover – remember how it has a tendency these days to “break down” (Something the Queen instigates when needing 1:1 with someone before she magically “fixes it”), it will sit astride one of the smaller streams & HM will insist they both get out to look under the bonnet – something MM has NEVER done! In her 5″ heels standing in the freezing water looking at the innards of a typical British 4by4 with a skirt up to her bezzazle one can see the queen telling MM just what it takes to be a REAL ROYAL (Queen in welly’s kilt, long woollen socks, and as ever a scarf on her head) How long before MM crumbles in THAT situation?! Oh I love it when a plan comes together!!!

  7. Edwina Lindeman avatar
    Edwina Lindeman

    Great post as usual lovely! Being a Brit now living in the states I can’t imagine the talk on the streets over there about these two. I’m so disappointed with Harry and think megantoinette has well and truly castrated him and taken the only good you know what he had left. He really has no cajones to smack her into shape? ( Figuratively not literally) I don’t wish her harm just wish she’d leave with only the clothes on her back. This was the big plan all along. Throw a wrench into the works. But I’ve said all along that Doria has been complicit in all this as she was there at the Invictus games when this plan was supposedly hatched.
    God bless the Queen and see you next week!

    1. Thank you darling! 💖 and I agree – the plot thickens.. something is going on. See you next week!

  8. Thank you for your weekly post of belly laughs. The neighbours should treat the list of “don’ts as a do list.

    1. Agree! And thank you love 💖

  9. When I read about the “missive to the minions”, a.k.a. The Unwashed Public, all I could think is “HEH????” It sounds to me like Meghan has ALWAYS wanted to be one of those celebrities who has a 20-page backstage rider, instructing “the help” about what she expects. I’m surprised she didn’t demand peeled grapes and room-temperature water. You know this is her. I’m sure Harry has no issue with people being friendly. Oh, wait a minute…are we sure that Harry hasn’t gotten TOO friendly with the female neighbors? Could this be what spawned the idiotic public edict??? 🤣

  10. So at least one of the women MM is highlighting in her Vogue issue has made disrespectful, disparaging remarks about HM. It appears MM is being hateful on purpose.

    1. Not to mention hateful comments she also made about Beyonce, Rhianna, and Cardi B. How did MM not know about that?

  11. Love your cheeky sense of humour! can’t wait to see what you write about the Vogue issue

  12. I have just found this page for the first time- I love it!! Haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!

  13. Thank you again for entertaining us, last weeks was good too! Have not heard about DoS cutting ties with Charles. That would be nuts! But not surprised anymore with MeaGain. BTW, spot on column by Jan Moir in DM.

    1. You know, when I read that they’d cut ties with Cambridge, all I could think was that it takes a special kind of stupid to alienate oneself from the 2nd in line to the throne—but now, to cut ties to the 1st in line??? If this had been me, I would have fallen all over myself to be as accommodating as possible. I would have studied and memorized every protocol I had to follow. Y

    2. You know, when I heard about the two of them cutting ties with the Cambridges, all I could think was it takes a special kind of stupid to alienate the 2nd in line to the throne, but now, to alienate oneself from the 1st in line??? If this had been me, I would have fallen all over myself to be as accommodating as possible. I would have memorized and followed every single protocol there is that a royal member of the family has to follow. I know you all have said that their new foundation is poised to rake in the money with all the merching and shenanigans, but surely you can’t sell yourself to people who know damn well you don’t have their best interests at heart. I just don’t understand how she can be this idiotic.

    3. Carolyn Brown avatar
      Carolyn Brown

      I just read the Jan Moir article
      Can’t wait for the blog next week on this!
      This is simply appalling- someone please stop her – those women she picked are unbelievable and I noticed one newspaper aren’t taking comments- I wonder why!?

  14. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Thank you for another great post. Did you see Jan Moir’s article on Meghan, the ‘Me, Myself and I Foundation’ in the DM today? She nails her, just like you do. Hope your eye is improving.

  15. I have only just started reading your blog and I think it is bloody brilliant, I just can’t understand how Meghan is still getting away with her over the top extravagant behaviour, in fact it seems like she is getting more and more her way to inflate was was already a huge ego with her guest editing Vogue, my mind is just blown

  16. Hope the eye heals quickly and keep ’em coming!

    1. Thank you lovely! 💖

  17. Your humor is spot on and I just love it! Keep it coming. Hope the eye is better. I feel your pain-I am prone to eye infections for some reason.

    1. Thank you so much! 💖 the eye is slightly better – I have hayfever too, so that doesn’t help 😞

  18. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Yesterday I was thinking what a bumper week this will be for you with the Vogue issue, but this morning Sarah Vine’s column in the DM talks about Markle’s editor’s letter. That would be enough for a post in itself. Apparently, she wants to be a ‘mermaid’ and fears ‘the depths of shallow living.’ Sounds like complete drivel, the Disneyfication of the RF. Can’t wait to see what you write, and hope your eye is better.

  19. Hope your eye has healed. x

    1. Thank you love! A lot better now 💖

  20. Just started reading & love your blog! You have a great writing style & amazing sense of humor. I look forward to Sunday to read the next. Thank you for the laughs too!

    1. Thank you so much lovely! 💖

  21. Take care of yourself! Love your blog to pieces.

    1. Thank you so much darling, really appreciate that! ❤️

  22. As ever your general wit, intelligence and understanding of the SS (Silly Sussex’s) is bang on trend. Love the idea of MM’s walk with the Q around Balmoral – MM hates Scotland, she hates the midges (everyone else wears anti-midge spray but no one is going to tell MM). One little error – Catherine took the photo’s at Kensington Palace Gardens of George – but yes they have now flown out to Mustique for a well earned time away from MM who has exasperated everyone.
    Hope the eye has reduced in size, the hayfever is under control with antihistamines and you are about to bullet point this weeks article!
    See you in Twitterspace!
    KK xxx

  23. persephonie234 avatar

    What do you think? MeGain has been pimping her connections while she is still under the Royal umbrella to generate an income now that leaks of the money is drying up for her and her husband. Is that why H suddenly disappears periodically to start the distancing of himself and the clutching megthuselah? The vacation at the Queen’s residence will be telling.

  24. COB, I am LOVING reading your blog. Your GIFs and commentary are brutally accurate! With that recent list of do’s and don’ts to the neighbours, it sounds like even their bloody dogs are snobs! Looking forward to your thoughts on that Vogue cover. This gruesome twosome have been getting so much negative press no matter what they do lately, one can continue to hope the end is near…I’m almost out of popcorn again. Hope your eye is better!

  25. Good column today on Prince Harry’s ‘celebrity slacktivism’ on the National Post’s (Canada) website.

  26. I love your blog and hope you are feeling better. I was listening to a podcast about H in Italy for a save everything everywhere with the worlds 1%. Is he really a member of some hidden society with his ‘secret ‘ hand gestures? Is he playing at yelling at his poor excuse of a spouse to stay on the public radar? Is he manifesting his great uncle Edward in planning to bring down the monarchy? Trying to damage his brother reputation in spreading rumors about him and his family?What do you think? Things are just too odd.

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