Royal round-up: 3rd June

I’m a little late, but better late than never – so let’s dive right in!

Trump State Visit 

So let’s start by looking at the news of the hour – POTUS and FLOTUS have arrived in the United Kingdom today for a state visit. I know this is technically this week’s news, but do bear with me – last week was slow for royalty and I need something to write about. 

They’ve already been hosted by Charles and Camilla at Clarence House this afternoon for tea, and as I type this, they have just arrived for the State Dinner at Buckingham Palace. 

Of course earlier today, Prince Charles thought it’d be a good idea to invite his younger son, Prince Harry, to join them for lunch. Let’s face it, he wasn’t invited to anything else, so perhaps they thought they’d be kind and throw him a bone. 

Well, they needn’t have bothered.

I knew it wouldn’t be long after Archie’s arrival that he’d lose that massive grin he had on his face for all of a week. Yes, today, we didn’t only see the return of the Trumps into the UK, but also of Harry’s Smacked-Arse expression. 

Hungover, worried it looks like he’s cheating on the Obamas or hoping Trump will kidnap his wife and take her back to the USA? Such depth. We can’t tell.

Nope – poor old Harry couldn’t crack a smile even when faced with leggy, attractive, blonde Ivanka, who’d normally be right up his alley– but he knew deep down his wife was at home, her beady eyes trawling through the Daily Mail, looking for photos of Harry and the President’s daughter even so much as breathing in each other’s direction so she could throw some of the Queen’s china at him when he came in through the door.

Nope, even greeting her or glancing at her was totally off-limits. 

“Don’t look at her, don’t look at her… it’ll be the servants’ quarters for you tonight otherwise, mate – and you can wave goodbye to going to the pub with the lads for the next six months… oh wait, I think I might still be grounded from that time I had a beer in front of the telly three months ago. Not sure… don’t look anyway!”

Of course, his sullen expression could be because him and his wife weren’t invited to the State Dinner tonight. Charles and William probably entertained the idea of having him there for all of ten seconds, before realising he’d probably get pissed from one too many sherries and tell the President of the United States exactly what he thought of him.

“I’ll ‘ave ya for what you said about my wife, you orange twat!”

Or yes – it could be the latter. Harry failed to crack a smile today because Donald Trump had allegedly called his wife “nasty”.

Well, actually – he didn’t and what he did say was taken out of context by the media, so it’s an unfair accusation; it’s the first time Donald Trump has said “fake news” and I’ve actually agreed with him. 

But, if he had said it, well…

  1. He wouldn’t be wrong, would he? 
  2. Most of us find her “nasty” anyway, regardless of anything the President may or may not have said.
  3. To be fair, she did liken him to a sexual disease (one that she’s probably had) so fair’s fair. 

Nah, in all honesty, I don’t think Harry is that upset about missing out on a stuffy dinner. But I’ll bet his wife is fucking livid – especially since Kate’s there in a sash and tiara and Meghan’s been locked at home for nearly a month with a screaming baby. And missing a dinner for her own President? Batten down the hatches, guys…

A live stream of Frogmore Cottage

In any case, it’ll be interesting to see how the rest of this week pans out. Maybe Trump and Sadiq Khan will go out on the lash together and knock ten bells out of each other in the street after outside The Queen’s Head in Islington – proper British style.

The Sussexes and the LGBT community 

So yesterday, Harry and Meghan apparently declared their support for the LGBT community. 

Ok, I totally agree and back them also, but why must the Sussexes spoil everything?

Let’s be real here – we all know they’re only going after causes that will make them look more popular, because they’re aware most people can’t fucking stand them. 

“However can we be popular again Meghan?”
“We’ll go after the gays, Harry. We’ll go after the gays.”

I mean, did you have to formally back them, just to make yourselves look more “modern” and “down to earth”? 

It’s a nice gesture and all (or it would be if it wasn’t for their own personal gain) but we sort of just assumed you weren’t homophobes anyway? Nobody needed a public declaration from two benefit scroungers.

Honestly, their movements are so predictable. When they announced they were going to be supporting Baby2Baby around the time Archie was born, I rolled my eyes so hard back into my head, I may as well have been a Great White Shark. 

Yes – Baby2Baby. The most “celebrity” charity to back. I’m not taking anything away from them, and it’s all for a good cause, but they surely must have the entire state of California advocating for them at the minute. Can’t Ginger and Nutmeg find a smaller, lesser-known charity with a great cause to support, rather than just riding on the coat tails of a bunch of Z-listers from LA because it’s the “in” thing to do? 

And of course – this “grand announcement” was made on their Instagram with a collage Meghan no doubt made herself, considering she managed to force a picture of her and Harry in there yet again. Even though the picture was taken at a world AIDS Day Event, I fail to see what Harry laughing and Meghan playing with her hair has to do with the cause, but perhaps I’m missing something.

“What? Yeah I know this photo has nothing to do with AIDS, but look how shiny my hair is.”

“Love is love”, the grifter writes, once again stealing a quote from somebody else.

Yeah, pull the other one, Sussex; the only time Meghan has probably felt true love toward something was when she saw the balance in the royal bank account for the first time.

“How many zeroes was that again? 😍”

Honestly, if I were a member of the LGBT community, I’d be truly offended; not just because the Sussexes kill anything they turn their hand to but because they’ve used a bunch of photos related to AIDS to represent the gay community. Charming. Because apparently that’s the first thing that comes to mind. Is she a moron?

I think anybody within that circle has been subjected to enough in their lives already without having two fame-hungry halfwits exploit them further.

To those who are LGBT 🏳️‍🌈, I can only apologise on the Sussexes’ behalf. 

Trooping the Colour 

So, the day is almost upon us; just five days to go until the BRF make their way out on the balcony for the Queen’s official birthday parade, engage in awkward small talk and pretend they don’t regularly consider pushing each other off the balcony… (Charles especially – he’s been waiting bloody ages to be King.)

“Jolly good – she’s awfully still, maybe she’s carked it at last?!”

There have been a lot of questions; will Prince Louis be on the balcony for the first time ever? Will Meghan make an appearance? And what colour hat and dress will Kate wear? 

Well – the answers in order are as follows: 

a) Yes, Louis will be there 

b) Ideally Meghan won’t 

c) If she is, I don’t know what colour Kate’s hat will be, but I hope it’s large enough to ensure we can’t see Markle’s mug in any of the photos 

Failing that of course, she could always hold Louis up high enough to ensure Meghan’s blocked out nicely. They almost managed it last year while she was carrying Charlotte and there are many props to work with here. 

“Sorry Megs, they can’t see you hun, maybe you should fuck off home? No, not Frogmore, I meant America.”

Honestly, do I think Meghan will make an appearance? I’m undecided, but unfortunately, I’m leaning more towards “yes, she will”.

Thinking about it, it’s really not too soon; Archie was born almost a month ago and Kate returned to the balcony just six and eight weeks respectively following the births of Charlotte and Louis – it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that she’d attend. 

And alongside that, I can’t imagine she’d want to miss out on all the attention of everyone talking about “Meghan’s big comeback”, like she came back from landing on the fucking moon or something, rather than just having had a baby like billions of women before her.

It has been confirmed that Prince Louis will be there, so not one to let a toddler hog the limelight, we know Meghan will likely show up, newborn baby or not. 

“Piss off Louis, you have the rest of your life to stand on this balcony – I have another two years tops. MOVE!”

The only reason I think she’d stay away is because if she isn’t back to her pre-baby body yet, which I doubt she is, she won’t want to stand on a balcony in front of millions of people. 

Let’s face it, she’s too “Hollywood” (in her mind, anyway) to go out there looking anything less than amazing. Well… as “amazing” as Meghan can look anyway, with her overdone highlighter, messy hair and long scruffy trousers sweeping the floor. Very regal.

Either way, all will be revealed on Saturday and I’m sure if she’s in attendance, it’ll be a show you won’t want to miss. 

Until then, have a good one guys and I’ll see you next week! 💋 x

28 responses to “Royal round-up: 3rd June”

  1. Another excellent piece, thank you 😊
    Honestly don’t know why Harry was there, he looked like he’d have preferred to be at the dentist having his teeth pulled &, most disrespectfully, didn’t attempt to hide it. What an absolute Dick!!
    My favourite sentence in this blog
    “Sorry Megs, they can’t see you hun, maybe you should fuck off home? No, not Frogmore, I meant America.” Love it … hear hear

    1. Hahahaha thank you as always my love ❤️ honestly, if he was going to look so sullen and couldn’t be professional, he should’ve stayed home. I have no idea why they trotter him out – he’s hardly of any importance anyway!

  2. Fantastic as always – That photo of Harry brought a huge smile to my face. it really does look as if either Charles or the Queen had ‘words’ with him, like a parent would tell a child that they had to go on a family visit to an elderly aunt they hated. And off they go all petulant and sulking. But putting him with the Ivanka group – wonderful! It’s as if he saying, Oh alright I’ll go but can I stand next to the pretty bird …. I mean girl.

    1. Thank you so much! 💖 hahahaha it’s so true, I feel like granny is keeping an eye on him these days – he’s with the Queen for a lot of engagements now. I’d keep an eye on him too if I were her!

  3. I howled with laughter about “…like she came back from landing on the fucking moon or something”. You KNOW she’s going to move heaven and earth to show up on the balcony, even if she has to make her mother fly in from LA to babysit (seeing as she’ll probably have burned through the latest round of nannies by then).

    1. Thank you so much! 💜 and oh, I agree – I’m fairly certain they have a nanny already. Harry’s been away from home a lot and I can’t imagine Meghan is dealing with Archie alone now that her mum is back in the States. No – she’ll more than likely make an appearance I’m sure – she wouldn’t miss out on that.

  4. Love it Saffy! Trump’s entourage may prove insightful keep your eyes and ears open!

    1. Thank you so much! ❤️ And oh yeah, I’m waiting for that one!

  5. Just want to let you know I thoroughly enjoy your writing. You are very funny and I always laugh out loud. The video/memes are perfect! I was raised in SoCal and “get” Meghan, the good and the bad. Her MO of social climbing, banishing her dad and splitting the brothers apart disgusts me.Why I m on the bashing DoS train. I do feel sad for Harry though. Keep up the good work CrownsofBritain!

    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate that 💜 I think more and more people began to see through her after the wedding, and bar a few crazy fans, she’s not exactly winning people over. She’s not popular and most people I know don’t like her at all!

  6. bloomsbury101 avatar

    Highly amusing, and a good read, as usual.

    1. Thank you so much!! 💖

  7. Alas, and for CERTAIN she will be at the TOC. What…MISS an opportunity to be the centre of attention? And I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she appeared with a swaddled Archie papoosed to her on the balcony. Because what else is she going to cling to?

    Thanks for the gems – love to read you and Harry Markle!

    1. Thank you very much ❤️ And totally – she needs to be seen on that balcony. I’ll be very bloody surprised if she’s not there on Saturday!

  8. She’ll have her big ass up there, guarantee it. Harry looks like he just got his ass chewed out big time in most every picture I see of him lately. Oh well. He made his bed……

  9. She interviewed Ivanka for the Tig a few years ago and fawned over her. It’s hard for me to believe she wouldn’t want to be at a big to do like this if possible.

  10. 8 of the organisations highlighted by that IG account are *American* organisations. Further, one of them is a photo of the day the *American* Supreme court made a decision for the LGBT community over there after intense lobbying. We should love our LGBT brothers and sisters wherever we find them, but how about a British couple, paid by *UK* taxpayers to PR the *UK* as one of their jobs in support of the *UK* Crown support *UK* LGBT groups instead of spotlighting AIDS charities in the UK. It’s as if AIDS is a UK specific problem whilst the LGBT is an American specific community.

    1. That’s exactly what I thought!! While there is obviously a movement here to support those from the LGBT community (and quite rightly), everything they seem to champion stems from America. Meghan herself is barely backing an UK charities. No offence to any Americans on here, but we don’t want the monarchy Americanised. They’re the BRITISH royal family and should start by looking within our own nation first. I’m actually appalled at the way Meghan runs her “royal career”.

  11. You may find it interesting to note Meghan tried to go after Ivanka Trump for a friendship to benefit Meghan, gushing about her, interviewing her for her silly blog.

    Meghan’s flavour of the week is once again terribly offensive and only about her public relations and not about servicing the community and promoting charities. We will see this over and over.

  12. I love this blog!!!! I’m starting to picture Meghan and Harry as Rose and Jack during the memorable bow scene from Titanic. Meg has her arms in the air yelling I’m queen of the world!!!! We all know how that ended

    1. Thank you!! And hahahahaha this really made me laugh! 💖

  13. Thank you for your most insightful blog, love it! I was amused to see that Camilla and Kate had to be stuffed in to the carriage with H&M at the TOC to stop the crowds from booing them – hilarious.

    1. Thank you so much! 🧡 Hahahaha honestly it was so funny!

  14. Well I’m unsubscribing. Really, I keep coming here and you can’t get your act together to post. Instead, oh my god, you’re so nasty and mean on Twitter. You’re so funny and nice up here and I loved it, then I made the mistake of checking your Twitter, where you’re a relentless shrew. You fight with everyone non-stop. Good luck with your screaming over there. I particularly liked the last one — attacking someone for liking Taylor Swift and Katie Perry. I don’t like either of them but your going off on that person was so crazily random. And fyi, you’re nowhere near as cool as you think; otherwise you’d know your histrionics on Twitter make you look like a nutjob. Good luck.

    1. I’ve barely been on twitter, due to being so busy with work, so not sure what you’re talking about – but nobody’s holding a gun to your head and asking you to subscribe, so yes, do feel free to move on.

      I’m attacked by people regularly (and viciously) on twitter – most of it is self-defence. But you’ve chosen to ignore that of course.

      Sorry that’s how you feel, but do move along then. I’ll miss you just about as much as you’ll miss me 👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼

    2. Oh and also, just looking back at your comment “I can’t get my act together to post”? Well excuse the fuck outta me – I actually have a day job and don’t get paid to post on here – I do it to make people laugh and if I can get around to doing that once a week, great! If not, I hope my followers understand – I work 9 hours a day and have a life off the internet.

      Looking at your comment, I think we know who the truly nasty one is here. You’ve over-exaggerated everything in what you’ve written, and reading it a second time has seriously pissed me off.

      Not sure who you think you are, but please do bugger off. If you want “nasty”, I’m happy to give it to you. It’s not as though your comment was particularly lovely.

  15. Love this blog. I used to hang out on Quora but I have just discovered you and read every post. Ginger and Nutmeg’s story is going to run and run. I have just read this morning that the sussexes have hired a social media manager to get their numbers up ahead of the Cambridge’s IG followers. Who signs off on this stuff? Talk about a waste of money.

    1. Thank you so much! 💖 And I agree – total waste of money. But then again, that’s the Sussexes for you…

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