CrownsOfBritain

The Bump Grabbing

Where do I begin with this one? There have to be thousands upon thousands of photos of this woman with both hands stapled to her stomach, in a way no pregnant woman has ever held their bump before. Really, what is the need for this? Is she scared the child will fall out? Is she trying to show us that there’s a baby in there and not just a big lunch? Does she think we missed the media furores over the last four months and didn’t know she was pregnant? It’s anyone’s guess, but this action coupled with the Virgin Mary expression as she does it appears to be rapidly getting on most people’s last nerve. 

The Hand Holding

Ok Meghan, you love your husband (we think), but why do you both feel it necessary to hold hands like teenagers EVERYWHERE you go? If you’re meeting foreign royalty or dignitaries, don’t you think you’ll be taken a bit more seriously and come across more professional if you’re not stuck to each other like Siamese twins? I can’t imagine it’s anything to do with stability while being pregnant and walking in heels, as they have been doing this since day dot, so I’m slightly baffled. I’ve seen people on life support put less effort into clinging to life that Meghan does to her husband’s hand. It’s annoying – please stop it. 

The “Look of Love”

Meghan doesn’t actually spend too much time doing this anymore – (probably because she’s too preoccupied with the bump grabbing and hand-holding) – but for a long time, she made it a point to gaze up “lovingly” at Harry whenever she knew a camera was pointed in their direction; kind of the same way kids stare up at the castle on their first trip to Disneyland, but less genuine. Unfortunately though, the doe eyes are unconvincing, laughable and downright annoying. My favourite occasion where she projected said wide-eye-gaze was at her wedding when Harry lifted her veil – it really was a stunning moment… because it finally hit me why she’d never made it as an actress in Hollywood. You’ll have to practice a bit longer for that Oscar, darling.

The Lies 

Like most people in life, she’s told a few porkies; just unfortunately for her, a lot of it has been spilled out behind her in her new role on the world stage. The first of which was her singing her father’s praises for paying for her college education, which she mentioned before their wedding. After the wedding, when poor old Thomas Markle was given the royal middle-finger, the story changed and while giving a speech (somewhere or other), perhaps in attempt to empower young women, she tweaked the details and told a (barely) listening audience that she had “worked all the way through college” to pay for her own tuition fees. Yep, nothing more empowering than a barefaced LIE.

There have been several, but my absolute favourite was during the engagement interview when she said she’d “never heard of Harry and family”…. *crickets*

Er, ok. Darling, unless you’re an Eskimo living in an igloo without any access to electronics – or you died before 1981 – you have most certainly heard of Princess Diana and her sons. She even referenced Will and Kate’s (better) wedding in her online blog, The Tig, back in 2011. What family did she think she was referring to? The Kardashians? Harry was the bloody Best Man! Come on hun, that is Clear and Present Bullshit – try harder next time. 

The General Get-Up

For some reason, and I don’t know why, the lady always looks a mess. She has boatloads of money, designers and stylists at her disposal, yet she still always manages to look like she just rolled out of bed and biked it thirty miles into work during a hurricane. 

I mean really, how difficult is it to find a nice dress coat and spritz your hair with some hairspray? I’ve managed to look better put-together crawling out of bed after a heavy night out. Her hair was coming out of place even on her wedding day… her WEDDING DAY. Where millions of people around the globe were watching her. Honestly – the mind boggles. 

The PR Pushes 

Now that Meghan has shut down her second (secret) Instagram account in fury after realising the public don’t actually think of her as the second coming of Diana, she has had a lightbulb moment – push the good PR, even if the constant flood of stories really begin to piss people off!

In December, she hired some hot, young guy  called Christian to start reeling off crap about her in the press to make her look like a Stepford Wife. The stories included some bangers, such as “she cooks for Harry every night” and “she’s still so down-to-earth despite her marriage”, allegedly told by five close friends, who are apparently so close to her, they weren’t invited to her wedding last May. Perhaps there wasn’t enough space in Windsor Castle’s St. George’s Chapel? I think it only seats 800 people. 

In any case, we await the next batch of bullshit with baited breath; tomorrow, we’ll hear all about how she rescues injured animals, sings to woodland creatures and has found the cure for cancer. Can’t wait. 

The Camera Searching

No matter where she is, she seems to be able to sniff out a camera lens the way a Great White Shark can usually smell a drop of blood a hundred miles away in the ocean. And when she has located one, it’s painfully obvious just how aware of it she is with every move she makes after. She also does this weird thing sometimes where she arches her back and does a big hand wave straight at the lens. It’s irritating, but also somehow makes her look incredibly comical. 

The “I-Must-Come-First”

One thing I’m finding particularly amusing at the moment is how whenever her and Harry are introduced to anyone new, she barges her way in front of him to shake their hand first. Yes Meghan, while the general rule is ‘ladies first’, it doesn’t usually apply in royal circumstances. Your husband is the ACTUAL royal, while you’re  only really there because you forced a friend to set you up on a blind date with him and somehow, by the grace of God, ended up with the ring – does it make sense yet?

A lot of the time as well, even them simply walking side-by-side is like a power struggle, with Harry looking like he’s putting every ounce of strength into pushing her back slightly so she doesn’t frogmarch ahead of him. Annoying, but as usual, highly entertaining. 

With Sussex Sprog Number One due to drop within the next month or so, we can only expect more irritating behaviour. Meghan will probably insist on bringing the child everywhere with her, strapped to her in a sling, while showing the public how to make bassinets out of kale – heck, she’ll probably start breastfeeding during official engagements to show everyone just how “modern” she is too! I actually can’t wait – for the entertainment, if nothing else.