Royal round up: 25th August

Happy Sunday all! Sorry for the delay on the last post – had myself a bit of a break as it was my birthday on Friday and it has been a heavy week or so – I’m only finally feeling slightly human today.

Emphasis on “slightly”

 Apologies in advance if some of the items are a week or so old – but let’s face it, I haven’t chimed in yet and these are all too good not to comment on. 
So without further ado…

Mum shaming Meghan 
So about two weeks ago, there was an article on The Daily Mail from some “PR expert” who threw their toys out of the pram because a lot of us dared to point out that Meghan doesn’t know how to hold her baby properly. 

“Here, George – hold *this* for a second, will you?”

Of course, because the safety of the child was mentioned, we are once again called “racist bullies” –  because yes, even if Saint Meghan murdered somebody in cold blood, we still have to give her a free pass because she happens to be half black.

Fact is – the woman clearly isn’t comfortable holding a baby, much less her own, which is bizarre as he is three months old and she should sort of grasped the concept by now. 

If you’re holding him the same way I’d cart a pack of bog roll back from the shops, then yes love, you’ll be pulled up on it.

“It’s ok Archie – mummy’s got you!”

She’s on the world stage and as such, yes, will be criticised for everything that she does.

I remember when Prince William was criticised for apparently not strapping Prince George into his car seat “the correct way” when they left the hospital after his birth  (whatever that is). 

Or when the knives came out during the Cambridges’ first tour as a family in Australia and NZ, because Kate carried her own child down the steps of the aircraft, met with comments such as:

“Why doesn’t she tie her hair back?”
“Why doesn’t William carry George? He’s not carrying anything else!”
“Her dress is flying up – AGAIN!”
“Why is she wearing those stupid heels and walking down steps while carrying a baby?”

So no, it’s not just Mixed Race Meghan who deals with such criticism – everyone seems to forget that Kate did too in her early days as a mother.

No – Kate was NEVER criticised.

Bottom line – this is the life Meghan wanted so she can deal with everything else that comes her way. She won’t be getting any sympathy from me – that’s for sure. 

Ibiza, Nice and Elton John
So I’m sure we all saw the constant headline news that after preaching to us all about our carbon footprint, Harry and Meghan spent the best part of two weeks jetting around Europe on a private jet… because apparently being sixth in line to the throne means you’re too important to fly on a commercial airliner.

The first stop was Ibiza – a far cry from Balmoral Castle, I’m sure you’ll agree. Unless the Queen condones snorting cocaine off a toilet and doing shots at 9am. 

“Well, one does enjoy a line of ket with one’s cornflakes.”

Honestly – why you’d visit the island with a baby, I don’t know. I went once when I was about 19 with my friends and it was a total waste of time and money; it’s overpriced, boring if you’re not a drug taker and 90% of the island’s visitors appear to be imported from Essex. Yeah – no thanks.

In any case, this is where Meghan chose to spend her 38th birthday – in a private villa that cost us (yes, us) £108,000 a week.

As idyllic as it looks, why on earth would two losers and a baby need to spend that much of our money on a villa for five days? I mean really, could our two wonderful faux-manitarians not find a charity that would benefit more from receiving that money than some overpriced villa resort?

“End poverty? But… what about my trip to Shag-Aluf?”

And as if that wasn’t bad enough – they then came back to London for a bit before flying on to Nice for another holiday – to recover from their first holiday. 

“Honestly Harry, I’m just SO tired from the last three holidays.”

Yep – Meghan and Harry were snapped disembarking yet another private aircraft in the South of France sometime early last week.

Does this child ever move? He’s been in the same position since the polo match.

And yes – the Sussex Death Grip was back, with Meghan clutching Archie tightly to her with the same energy I hold onto my glass of wine with on a plane when we hit severe turbulence.

Honestly, she held her stomach like that while pregnant and now he’s out, she’s doing the same thing. Why does she insist on crushing him like that? Meghan hun, he’s only a few months old – you got a few years yet before he tries to make a genuine escape from you.

“Time to haul royal ass!”

Also – why they couldn’t just get a British Airways aircraft, I don’t know; I went to Nice for a few days break at the end of last year and before I’d even had a chance to eat a packet of biscuits, we’d already landed. It’s literally an hour and a half flight from London, so I’m slightly baffled. 

📸 My own photo of Nice: honestly, if you haven’t been, go – that place is stunning

But then… Princess Diana’s butt plug Elton John, who has lived with his head up the backside of the royals for the best part of three decades, decided to chime in.

Yeah and I’m deeply distressed by your lack of braincells

I really have no words for this essay of bullshit he posted, because it’s very clear the point of people’s anger over Harry and Meghan flew completely over his big ginger head.

Yes, we’re pissed off about the money spent on ridiculous Spanish villas, but it’s also the hypocrisy of it all.

Really – is Elton as much of a dipshit as Sussex fans that he doesn’t recall this preaching sesh from Holiday Harry and Magaluf Meg earlier this year?

Well, seems like you’re still asleep then, Harry mate.

I don’t give a toss how much of a fan you are of these two, but if you can’t see the blatant hypocrisy and “do as I say, not as I do” attitude, you are seriously dense.

Harry and Meghan are giving everybody the serious middle finger and all we’re being told is how much we need to defend and protect them, by people who are just as stupid as they are.

And then EJ has the audacity to say that it’s all ok, because it was his own private jet and he very kindly planted a few trees to offset the carbon footprint. 

Oh pull the other one, mate. Can you really see Elton John up at the crack of dawn, planting trees so that Harry and Meghan can go on holiday?

This is the same man who last week had two security guards physically CARRY him to a boat because he didn’t want to get his feet wet.

” Fuck the trees – what about my FEET?!”

And I don’t know if anybody has told him this, but trees can take up to 30 years to reach their full height, so this isn’t really doing anything for anyone.Archie will have married someone like his mother by then and will be jetting about on his own private plane, further pissing us all off.

And with the number of private jets the Showy Sussexes take, the planet will have all but died out by the time anything grows.
So A* for effort Elton, but you’re wrong. Best stick to playing the piano.

Yeah, and you’re more of a fart in the wind, mate. Keep it buttoned.

And if Harry and Meghan dare talk to any of us about “carbon footprints” ever again, I daresay the only ones they’ll be dealing with are those they’ll end up with on their backsides from the British public, as their arses are booted off stage.

“Here’s a nice ‘arsehole footprint’ to send you on your way!”

The Cambridges head to Balmoral

Well we heard the Sussexes were invited originally, so whether that invite was revoked or they simply rejected it, the fact is, they went for Spain over Scotland.
And more fittingly, the Cambridges have joined The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh at Balmoral instead.

But the better news that came out of this was the fact that they had not only flown on a commercial airliner, but a budget one no less – a £70-per-head FlyBe aircraft from London to Aberdeen, complete with Prince William carrying their own luggage too.

Bet our darling Duchess of Sussex spat out her kale and lemon juice when she saw THAT one in the news.

“FlyBe?! This is PREPOSTEROUS!”

Yes, Harry and Meghan; two future Kings and a future Queen Consort flew on a budget airline to see the monarch in Scotland. While two self-important twats who won’t ever get a chance to even sniff the throne, opted for a decadent arrival into a country that is literally an hour away.

If I were the Cambridges though, I’d refrain from giving the Sussexes their flight details prior to travel… never know what lengths Meghan will go to to be Queen…

“How… to… disable.. aircraft.. brakes.”

Funnier still, and true to form, the Sussex PR machine was hard at work, claiming that the aircraft the Cambridges used had used actually flown “hundreds of miles” beforehand to pick up the family.

Try again, Meghan. For somebody that spends half her life on an aircraft, you’d think she’d realise that the bullshit story her camp put out doesn’t even make any sense.

Aircrafts do sometimes make journeys without any passengers onboard – it’s usually how they move from one place to another.

And also – the aircraft wasn’t flying to pick up just the Cambridges – there were at least another 100 passengers onboard – most of whom were not even aware the future King and Queen were onboard, as they’re happy flying about without fanfare.

Carole and Michael Middleton were also onboard the aircraft, meaning the Queen has obviously extended an invite for them to join her at her Scottish summer home – while the Sussexes likely did not even get asked.

Yeah – stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Meggers. Maybe you really will be banished to Africa after all. We’ll make sure you’re put on the finest aircraft available.

Well – sort of.

Harry and Meghan are split up – at Madame Tussaud’s 
Did anyone else laugh as hard as I did at this?

Harry and Meghan’s waxworks at Madame Tussaud’s have been split; and when I say “split”, I mean, Meghan has been removed from the royal family set and dumped alongside Tom Hardy, Priyanka Chopra and the Beckhams… in other words, right where she belongs – amongst other irrelevant, overrated prats.

Very fitting that they stuck her in front of the bar. Somebody at MT has a sense of humour.

Madame Tussaud’s tried to wriggle out of questioning by giving some bullshit about how Meghan was moved so it could “reflect her solo celebrity status” – but we all know it was some manager there exercising their sassy nature.

I mean, what solo status? She’s only where she is now because she married someone famous – she didn’t quite make it on her own, so that’s a load of crap for one.  

Moving Meghan’s mannequin from the rest of the royal family waxworks is quite a daring move – either a foresight on their part, they know something we don’t or the public complained about having a D-list actress ruining the royal family’s set.

Given the real-life figures are usually glued to each other, I imagine it took a blowtorch and chainsaw to separate the waxworks, but the Madame Tussaud’s staff seemed determined to part them – and part them they did.

Well, you can’t say they don’t have an eye for detail; Harry keeping his hands away from his wife’s claw and Meghan’s stick legs and nutty stare are dead on.

Now just for the REAL separation announcement… 

haha I’m such an evil bitch

Ok folks, that’s all for now; will try and keep up with posts from here on out.

Speaking of French jaunts, I’m off on my own birthday trip to the North of France on Tuesday, so will be fairly quiet on social media while I eat all the bread and cheese the country has to offer.
If you’re in the UK, enjoy the long weekend and I’ll see you all next week (when I’m heavier and more tanned than I am now).
💋💋💋

Royal round-up: 11th August

Hello and Happy Sunday all!
I just want to start off by saying I am hugely appreciative of all the lovely comments, both on here and Twitter, since I admitted I was having a few issues of late.
I am incredibly grateful for and touched by everyone’s support; I’m doing better and better – just trying to take care of myself and take it easy.
Writing the blog again was strangely therapeutic for me, and a nice distraction, so without further ado – back to the bitching!

Meghan edits Vogue
Bloody hell, who let this one out of her box? 

So apparently, when Meghan “fell off the radar” sometime in March and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief that she’d vanished, she had in fact parked her (rather wide) arse over at the Vogue offices to “guest edit” the September issue. 

Apart from the fact I cannot walk around my home city of London without seeing giant billboards announcing that “Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Sussex” (lol) edited this issue, even more to my annoyance, I cannot see how her doing this has benefitted anyone (apart from herself obviously, but that’s nothing new). 

So it’s supposed to be fifteen “influential women” on the front cover, but instead of choosing regular, inspirational ladies (unlike herself), she (predictably) whacked a load of celebrities on the front page, further shoving her nose up the arses of the Hollywood folk. 

Then – she made it worse, by taking a not-so-subtle jab at Kate by saying she “didn’t want to be on the cover of the magazine because it was ‘boastful'”.

As we all know, Catherine took the cover (rather beautifully) in 2016 – so of course, Meghan had to take a cheap shot at her – largely out of jealousy, I’m sure. 

Well Meghan, even as the shy, retiring flower that you are (double lol) I’m sure the main reasons you dodged being on the cover were:

A) because it’s British and quite frankly, fuck that
B) because she didn’t want her “I’ve-given-up-cocaine-but-been-on-the-donuts” face to be on the cover. She knew she couldn’t compete with Kate, so didn’t bother trying.

It’s ok Meghan, if you didn’t want your “pregnant” face to be on the cover, there are plenty of old-but-gold ones to choose from. 

Fash-ION

Harry and Meghan will only have two kids (thank fuck)

Is that a promise, Harry?

Yep, this time it was Harry’s turn to take a swipe at the Cambridges – when he told us all that we should only have two kids each because having any more than that was “damaging to the planet”.

What a nice way to tell your youngest nephew, Prince Louis, that he shouldn’t be here

It’s ok Hazza old mate, thanks for sticking your oar in (yet again) but as the rest of us make our own money and give back to the economy – and you and your useless wife do not – I think each individual private citizen can make their own decisions about how many times they’d like to reproduce.

In any case, I do suspect Harry’s comments are also because he’s aware that at 38, Meghan’s baby making days are almost up, so he’s gotta cover his arse somehow. 

That’s until he marries the next (younger) wife and she wants kids of her own, of course.

Yeah – let’s see you back your ass outta that one

Since we’re dishing out advice and judging by the way Mrs Sussex has been carrying the first baby around like a sack of spuds, I’d tell Harry not to bother having anymore at all: it’s been enough of a fiasco with Sussex Spawn Number 1, let alone us having to endure another one of Meghan’s “pregnancies” with her hands superglued to her stomach and going out of her way to keep things as “mysterious” as possible regarding the birth.

Yeah – better not.

Don’t worry, Harry; we only wish Princess Diana had taken your advice even more seriously and stopped at one kid. 

The King’s Cup

So last week, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge went head-to-head on the Isle of Wight in a sailing competition to raise money for their respective charities – an event they hope to make an annual occurrence.

We all know how competitive the Cambridges can get, and it was no surprise when William couldn’t resist teasing Kate when her team came last – due to starting the second race a bit ahead of everyone else.
For her trouble, she was given this lovely wooden spoon for being disqualified, much to her husband’s amusement:

As well as a host of celebrities sailing on behalf of a wide variety of other charities (some that also have the Duchess of Cambridge as their patron), the royal couple were also joined by their two eldest children, Prince George and Princess Charlotte, and Kate’s parents, Carole and Michael Middleton.

And of course, 4-year-old Princess Charlotte stole the show after she stuck her tongue out at the crowds when her mother asked her to wave to onlookers – much to the amusement of her mum and grandmother. Cute!


Meghan’s clothing line and book
Blimey, we have a ho of all trades here.

Yes, it was announced recently that Meghan is apparently teaming up with Marks and Spencers to design a clothing range in the very near future.

I don’t know if anybody told Meghan this, but Marks and Sparks is hardly haute couture; I’m willing to bet she approached Givenchy, but they quickly told her where to go. 

– The House of Givenchy

Let’s be real here, Marks and Spencer’s do better food than they do clothes and they’re really more of a place you’d dash in to buy your kid’s socks at the last minute before they go back to school, but if Meghan thinks she can elevate their profile and turn them into the next Harrods, more power to her.

Though I’ve got more chance of becoming the next monarch

And a book! Yes, she apparently wants to pen a children’s book. About what exactly, I couldn’t tell you – but I’m willing to bet she’ll somehow make it all about herself.

“Just can’t get over how amazing dis is gonna be”

There once was a little girl named Meghan, who grew up with a cruel and evil father, who paid for her private education and supported her no matter what, and a wonderful amazing mother, who allegedly did time at one point and missed out on a portion of her childhood. 

#FreeDoria

Little Meggy spent her days attending acting auditions, waitressing in the hopes of funding her big break and trying to ditch her hillbilly half-siblings because, you know, they were ruining her image.

“Thanks – y’all can fuck off now.”

After years of working the yachts, Soho House and every casting couch in Los Angeles, Meghan – who was now in her thirties and quite frankly, fucking tired – finally realised that she was never going to be Marilyn Monroe; and so, she flew to England to make a new bunch of friends and see which loaded, eligible men would have her.

It turned out – not many. Until one friend mentioned that she knew a dipshit, rich British Prince who was (incredibly) desperate for a wife and kids and would probably marry the first girl that fell into his lap.

“Excellent!” exclaimed Little Meggy. “And his grandmother’s the Queen of Britain?

As Little Meggy and her friend clinked their glasses of champagne and downed another few rounds of sambuca, the two plotted how to put her in the Prince’s path.

A few awkward dates and a couple of long-distance shags later, Little Meggy was certain she was on her way to becoming Prince Prat’s wife.

And one evening, after too many glasses of wine and as Meghan set a roast chicken alight while trying to make a ‘romantic’ dinner, (she shouldn’t have pretended to know how to cook), Prince Prat popped the question – and asked her to become his wife.

“Sorry – I couldn’t hear you over the fucking smoke alarm.”

Yes! This was it! Little Meggy and her Magical Boobs had done it. She was going to be a Princess! 

Some six months later, Little Meggy and Prince Prat married at Windsor Castle (even though Meggy had thrown a tantrum about the dusty church and expressed a desire to marry at Westminster Abbey instead) and at last, she was Princess Meggy of Slutsex.

(…clean you out in the divorce.)

Not long after, and following several occasions of Princess Meggy viciously flushing her birth control down the palace’s toilet, she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, Prince Archie. 

“Listen, you have no idea how much cocaine-snorting I had to cut back on, so don’t you dare fucking drop him, or this was all for nothing.”

Ok… so he wasn’t a Prince and she didn’t actually give birth to him herself, but it wasn’t like Princess Meggy was going to let that old trout The Queen tell her what her son could or could not be called. Or how he was delivered (via Amazon prime, actually). 

” Thank fuck for that too – I nearly missed the 10pm cut-off for next-day delivery!”

All that aside – they all lived happily ever after.

(Until Meghan got fed up of high society dinners and being stuck at home with a baby and fucked off back to America.)

“And they fucking shoved me in economy, too.”

Ok – I’m not sure that’s quite the version she was planning on penning, but mine is probably more factual and deserving of a Nobel Prize, so Meghan, feel free to take your cue from me.

How the “Fab Four” fell apart 
Well, I’m not so sure there was ever a “fab four” to begin with, but let’s humour the headlines a sec.
Apparently the real fall-out between the Cambridges and the Sussexes happened just after Ginger and Nutmeg’s wedding last year, when the Sussexes stormed over to Will and Kate’s house in the middle of night to have it out with them.

“We know you in there bitches – open the damn door!”

Apparently dear old Meggers didn’t feel that she was “getting enough support” from the Cambridges and so, riled her new husband up and sent him over to yell at his brother, Jeremy Kyle-style.

Rather apt.

Yeah – a woman who had just gotten married decided to go toe-to-toe with a woman who’d just had a baby – because apparently neither woman had anything more important to be focusing on at that point in their lives. Just call her “Mature Meghan”.

In any case, apparently the Cambridges decided to be the bigger people and told Harry and Meghan they’d support them a bit more in the future.

Kate apparently even went over with a bunch of flowers the next day – presumably gritting her teeth the whole time to prevent her telling Meghan exactly where she could put them – and the two women even decided to go to Wimbledon together.

“Just popped over for a cuppa.”

In any case, this story aside, I do believe there was trouble even a bit before the wedding. I think it definitely worsened afterwards but judging by the fact the BRF looked like they were re-attending Diana’s funeral at the royal wedding, I’d say relationships were frayed for quite some time.

Though if my brother and his wife stormed over to my house in the middle of the night while my three small children slept upstairs, and challenged me to some sort of dual, you can bet I’d tell them both to fuck off.

Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that relationship is damaged worse than Windsor Castle during it’s 1992 fire; and the only thing Kate will be doing next time she pops into Chez Sussex is helping Manipulative Markle pack her bags.

“No no Meghan, allow me – we can get it done faster with two of us.”

Anyway guys – that’s all for this week, but as there’s so much coming out of the woodwork these days, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of material for next week.

I’ll see you all then, my lovelies! 💋

Royal Round-Up: 28th July

Happy Sunday all – time for another royal round-up!
Admittedly, I’m writing this with basically one eye; I’ve had an allergy flare up with my right eye last night and woke up looking like Quasimodo, so apologies if there are any typos – the struggle is real today. 

I woke up like dis

Let us begin on a nicer note…

George’s Birthday 
So as we all know, Prince George turned six last week – with a series of (very sweet) photos being released by Kensington Palace – one of which had been snapped on holiday in Mustique by mum Kate. 

I cannot believe how big he has gotten! Feels like that first public appearance for him was only five seconds ago – hope you had a lovely day Prince George!

But don’t worry guys, that “nice note” didn’t last long – largely because the Sussexes can’t keep their noses out of anything for more than ten seconds.

Yes, true to form, there was a comment on Instagram from dear Aunt Meghan and Uncle Harry:

Oh, fuck off

Meghan’s messages get less and less every time, but I find it downright laughable that she couldn’t even be arsed to name him this time around.

I wonder what it will be next year? 

“Yeah, happy bday”

“Have a good one”

“Enjoy”

“Girl, why you bother posting at all?”

The second thing that always makes me laugh is her outright refusal to acknowledge the Cambridge kids by their titles – likely because she’s still fucked off Archie didn’t get one. 

“We didn’t want a title for him, actually.”

Yeah – my arse.

Meghan, stop throwing your toys out the pram because your kid isn’t a Prince; trust me, you’re lucky YOU even got a title to begin with – and it’s not George, Charlotte and Louis’s fault you didn’t get to their dad first. 

I honestly have a coronary imagining Meghan as Queen. All I can say is – God bless Kate Middleton for ensuring THAT one didn’t happen. 

Kate and Meghan’s “texts about motherhood”
So the Daily Mail (amongst others) ran a story last week talking about how Meghan and Kate apparently exchanged “frequent texts” about motherhood around the time Archie was born. 

Yeah, and I’m Gandhi’s left bollock

Considering the two of them can’t even look at each other when together, much less speak to one another, I’m highly doubtful they’ve exchanged anything other than a few sharp words.

I honestly don’t know why the media are so keen to paint these two as best mates when it’s abundantly clear they don’t have much time for each other.

There were tonnes of photos taken at the polo match and not one of them shows Meghan and Kate interacting at all, much less any interest from the Cambridge kids toward Archie – although it was allegedly the first time they’d met their cousin. 

“No George – I know we don’t like Aunty Meghan, but you mustn’t bash her on the head with the mallet.”

Seriously – this was the first time the Cambridge three had apparently clapped eyes on Archie and they did not go near him once. 

No interest from them toward the baby.
No interaction with Meghan.
Nothing.

So no, somehow, I can’t see Meghan and Kate exchanging texts about the joys of motherhood, what organic veggies they put in the kids’ baby food and what nappy brand reigns supreme. 
In fact; I’d be willing to bet they don’t even have each other’s phone numbers.

“Who, Meghan?”

The Queen to put her foot up Meghan’s arse
As mentioned recently, it’s thought that Meghan and Harry are headed to Balmoral next week to celebrate Meghan’s 38th birthday – which I’m sure Meghan is just wetting her pants in excitement over. 

But while Meghan is expecting a tonne of cake, a lavish tower of Givenchy prezzies and the nanny on hand so she can get smashed in peace without her kid hanging off her, it appears that Her Majesty The Queen has other ideas – a swift kick up the royal arse. 

Apparently QE2 is taking this opportunity to give Meghan a few home truths and try and offer her some guidance on how to conduct herself publicly – advice of which I imagine will fall on deaf ears, even if it is coming from the Queen herself.

You’re not though, are ya babe?

I mean really, when has Meghan ever listened to anything other than her own voice? 
Nevertheless, The Queen is apparently planning on taking her on some long walks around the castle grounds, letting her know where she’s going wrong and how she can right things for herself.

Piss off back to America, perhaps?

Something tells me Meghan won’t like this one though; an elderly lady telling her she can’t spend so much money, needs to think more carefully about the public appearances she makes and should treat her family better?

No – something tells me we won’t be seeing a shift in Meghan’s behaviour. As I’ve said a million times over, Meghan has had nearly two years since the engagement to follow royal protocol and advice, and has failed to do so repeatedly, so I highly doubt you’re going to see a change now.

However, my advice to the Queen (should Meghan become difficult during this chat, which is highly likely) – down a bottle of Highland Whisky, fold back the royal sleeves and don’t be afraid to promptly drown Darling Duchess in the nearest body of water.

“Don’t worry dear – the sea air will do you good!”

Harry and Meghan piss their neighbours off 

So apparently, the Self-Important Sussexes have issued a “list of rules” to all their neighbours, telling them the “dos and donts” of being in Their Royal Highnesses’ presence – because they must have missed the memo that they’re not actually the King and Queen.

The list itself includes stupid shit like “don’t talk to them”, “don’t pet the dog” (which could, in all fairness, have been a reference to Meghan) and “don’t ask to see or babysit Archie”.

Honestly, I’ve never seen such self-absorbed shite in my life.
First of all, after that set of rules, who the hell wants to hold a conversation with these two nobodies anyway? I’d rather shove the royal standard up my arse.

Secondly, what’s with the dog rule? Are they worried their pooch will come to some kind of harm? Because I guarantee it’d be safer in the company of total strangers than it’s owners.
Isn’t Meghan the same woman who abandoned her elderly dog to move to the UK and let another one fall down the stairs and break every bone in it’s body? 

Hun, the only people who should be petting your dog are the bloody RSPCA.

And don’t get me started on the Archie rule.

I don’t know what planet these two are living on, but I imagine it’s one where Archie is the heir to the throne, because they’re certainly bloody treating him as though he is.

“Don’t ask to see him” – who’d bother doing that? 
He’s a baby. He looks like a baby. What is there to see?

(Unless of course you’re just checking to make sure it’s actually a baby, and not a Reborn Doll being pushed around.)

“Please – no pictures of Archie Harrison.”

As for the babysitting rule, I don’t imagine many people would be brazen enough to approach them and ask to take care of their child – although Meghan may take you up on the offer if the nanny’s out of town and she’s exhausted from the six minutes of actually having to deal with her kid.

Otherwise – I don’t suspect many people are arsed.

I have to say though, the funniest part of this all is the fact that pretty much all of their neighbours are people who work on the Frogmore Estate – I.e. staff who will actually keep to themselves and not bother Baldy, Bitchy and The Chosen One. 
And needless to say, those living on the estate are very far from impressed.

I’d imagine a lot of the staff there were supporting the royal family long before Meghan was even blowing people on 90210, so I can understand why they’re furious with the Sussexes. 

If The Queen is able to sit down and have a natter over a cuppa with her staff, there’s zero reason some  second rate actress who shagged her way into British royalty can’t do so either.

“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

I really think we’re seeing the final nail in the coffin in terms of Harry and Meghan’s public image now: they’ve pissed off the public, press and now their hardworking staff, who are apparently good enough to wipe their arses, but not worthy of a cursory “hello”, should they pass them on Frogmore grounds.

Don’t worry guys, I don’t think your “neighbours” would touch you with a ten-foot pole now, unless it was to haul Meghan’s arse over to the airport.

“Bon voyage, bitch.”

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies – off to put another ice pack on my eye and then head out (somewhat blindly) for a Sunday roast with the girls.

Hope you’re all having a great weekend and I’ll see you all next week!

Royal round-up: 21st July

Happy Sunday guys! Well I’ve gotta be honest – royal week was fairly quiet this time around so admittedly, I’m really pulling things out of my backside to discuss, but sometimes I feel that’s half the fun. 

Come on Meghan, help a hater out

However, there are a couple of nuggets that do always surface, so without further ado, let’s begin the royal review:

The Lion King premiere

You know when you’re just lost for words? Yeah, it’s one of those times. So I’ll just quote Zazu instead:

“There’s one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually. And they always manage to ruin special occasions.” – Zazu

I think he may have been talking about Harry and Meghan, but I’m not trying to stir up shit or anything.

But yes, with the premiere of course comes this week’s instalment of “Just What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

I have to be honest, it wasn’t the worst item of clothing she’s ever worn (though the competition for that prize is fairly fierce) – but still – it was hardly a winner.

The sheer neckline was daring enough, but what on earth was with the pushed up cleavage? It honestly looked like her chest was struggling to breathe – totally and completely squished in. It didn’t fit her properly at all. Does Harry not tell her she looks ridiculous before they leave the house?

Meghan’s compressed cleavage – although I believe she owns a hat that looks like this too

On top of that as well, I wasn’t sure about the leather-look skirt part of the dress. It just looked rigid and uncomfortable and I’m never sure why anybody wears material like this for skirts or dresses either; they freeze you when you’re cold and stick to your arse when you’re hot – hardly my idea of fun. 

But with that aside, we must remember that no Meghan and Harry outing is complete without the Sussex Death Grip, which made another appearance last Sunday. 

Honestly, if Scar had held onto Mufasa like that during the stampede, he might’ve survived 

I do suspect this had a lot to do with the stilt-like heels Meghan had squeezed her feet into, as it was abundantly clear early on that she couldn’t walk in them at all, but then again, it’s hard to tell what the reasons are anymore. 

Then came the biggest shit show of all… the meeting of the Sussexes and the Carters. 

I swear it’s a toss up between Meghan and Beyoncé who loves themselves more. 

The most vomit-inducing moment was when Beyoncé greeted Meghan with “hi, my princess”.

Beyonce looks at Meghan the way I look at a glass of wine after a long day at work

Please – don’t inflate this woman’s already massive head anymore. She won’t be able to fit through the doors in Buckingham Palace at this rate (which might bode quite well for the rest of the BRF, but anyway…)

“Yeah, good luck getting her in for the next Trooping The Colour, Harry!”

Harry asked Beyoncé how the twins were (whatever the fuck their names are), where Beyoncé was quick off the mark to say they hadn’t travelled with them because “they didn’t always go everywhere with their parents”. 

I’d bet in actual fact they don’t go anywhere with their parents at all and probably see more of them through a TV screen than at home. 

I’m sure that’s the core bond between the Sussexes and the Carters – neither couple actually takes care of their kids.

“Yeah, our children barely recognise us either!”

And on top of all of this fuckery, I’m feeling like I should add “Just What The Fuck Was Beyoncé Wearing?” and “Just What The Shit Did Jay-Z Do To His Hair?” sections.

I would also say it’s inappropriate to have your fanny half out in a dress in front of royalty, but seeing as I don’t consider Harry and Meghan as royals, she may as well have gone stark naked for all I care.

Still… the dress wasn’t nice. 

I did also get a good laugh when it was reported that people attending the premiere were read a list of “rules and protocol” before meeting Harry and Meghan. Well, I can take a guess at what that looked like:

1) Don’t block any cameras that are pointed directly at Meghan 

2) Don’t mention Harry’s loss of hair since getting married; wisecracks such as “Archie has more than you already!” will result in a swift removal from the premises 

3) Don’t ask Meghan why she looks more pregnant now than when she was actually “pregnant”

4) Don’t ask how the Cambridges are doing – you know damn well they never see them

5) Don’t ask them to pass on any birthday presents for Prince George; when this was mentioned during a press briefing, Meghan asked “who?”

6) Don’t talk about yourself for more than three seconds at any given time; allow the Sussexes the opportunity to talk about their house renovations/baby/wedding that happened a year ago/charity work they’re passionate about/etc – even if you don’t give a shit 

7) Don’t ask Meghan how her dad is

8) Certainly don’t ask her how her sister is

9) Don’t ask Meghan how much her dress cost the taxpayer 

10) Please do not discuss “yachts” or “salad tossing”, or it will be ‘off with one’s head’

Other than that – chat away! 

“They don’t make it easy”

In an exchange with Pharrell at the Lion King premiere, it’s believed that when the musician “praised Meghan on her relationship with Prince Harry” (because she’s apparently the first woman to ever get married), Meghan responded with “thank you, they don’t make it easy.”

Interesting choice of words Meghan. 

First of all, who is “they”? The media? The public? Because I thought you didn’t read any press about yourself, or is that just another lie in a long stream of bullshit?

 Secondly, do please tell us what aspects of your life aren’t “easy”? 

You don’t work a normal job. 

You live off the taxpayer and spend money like it’s water.

You have several homes and a nanny on hand to take care of the baby. 

All you have to do for “work” is attend sporting events and movie premieres.

You have access to the best things money can buy. 

So do excuse us for questioning this, but where is this strife you’re apparently experiencing?

Honey – it’s not our fault that you have done shit all since setting foot on UK soil and haven’t endeared yourself to the public in the last two years.
I think you’ll find that any trouble you’re experiencing is your own doing, and if you’re digging in the bins for sympathy from the public, you’ll be scraping those bags of shit for a while.

We do apologise if you feel that we’re not “making things easy” for you – please, do have more of our tax money. 

Amsterdam Waxworks 

This isn’t even news in theory, I just want to know what the fuck happened here.  

Some museum in Amsterdam has created some rather frightening waxworks of Meghan and Harry for some unknown reason, and just being frank, there are some things you really can’t unsee.

Should probably lend Meghan that pram, as she clearly couldn’t afford one for the polo match

I think they’ve got Meghan down quite well, ski slope nose and veneers especially, but what is happening with Harry?

I guess the overly fat head is a good artistic reference to how over-inflated it is these days, so they got one thing right at least.

Or no, perhaps two things; they captured the hand-in-the-jacket pose quite well too, likely to represent Harry hiding what’s left of it, after nearly two years of trying to keep it out of Meghan’s Death Grip. 

Meghan’s hair also being slightly messy at the back is also a true likeness I feel, so perhaps I was too quick off the mark with my criticism. As scary as they are, they’ve actually done quite a good job. 

Perhaps they should trot the mannequins out for future public engagements? They certainly have more charisma and are far less annoying than the real Gruesome Twosome, that’s for sure. 

Perez Hilton 

So scrolling through Twitter yesterday, I saw this absolute bullshit from Perez Hilton – another odious character who doesn’t know his head from his arse. 

I don’t even know where to begin with this one, but those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen my retweet and comment in response to this:

I mean really, the “royal family are not her employers”? I think you’ll find they actually are, hun. 

She receives money from the British taxpayer to be an ambassador for Great Britain and she’s spectacularly fucking that one up so far too, so yes, people will comment as they see fit. 

His comments are just so juvenile, I do have to laugh. 

“Meghan’s got the ring AND the baby!”

So what? That means they can’t ever divorce because she’s wearing a piece of (re-designed) jewellery and popped a sprog out? Well fuck me, I didn’t know it was a binding contract. The divorce courts must be closing down all over the nation.

My parents were married for 22 years and had two kids – they’re not together anymore. It didn’t cause either of them to evaporate on the spot.

And “do what you want boo”?

Well, thanks for your permission Perez – didn’t know you were the fucking monarch and in charge of what members of the BRF can and can’t do.

Nope – no longer can she “do what she wants” – although she certainly tries her luck. 

She married into an institution that stands for tradition and has a thousand-year old history behind it, so I’m sure The Queen and many others will be buggered if some low-rent American actress is going to scupper that with her big-spending and middle finger to the public. 

I feel like I should point out that I saw Britney Spears on the Circus tour ten years ago now, and Perez did the intro video; my favourite part was when the fabulous Britney entered the circus tent and fired an arrow right through his head. What a shame that stunt didn’t go horribly wrong – we’d be spared this bullshit now.

No it’s ok Hilton – keep your comments to yourself. Or failing that, do please take “boo” back to California and fund her lifestyle yourself if you’re so supportive of her stupid behaviour – she won’t be missed and neither will you. 

Well that’s all for this week, folks; on a closing (lighter) note, I would very much like to wish HRH Prince George of Cambridge a very happy 6th birthday for tomorrow! (How quickly has that gone?!)

Word on the street is that William and Catherine have taken the kids to Mustique to celebrate, so I hope he’s having a fab time in the sunshine with his siblings. Have a good one, Prince George! 🎁🎉🎈

See you all next week! 💋

Royal round-up: 14th July

Happy Sunday folks! I’m out of Twitter jail, it’s that time of the week again and as I am dashing out the door for a boozy brunch with my best mate, I will leave you with this week’s royal round up!

Meghan’s Wimbledon seating 

So I’m assuming you all saw the total fuckery that was Meghan Markle taking over about forty seats at Wimbledon and then having her security tell some guy off for photographing her, even though she had no issue with the other wall of media doing so? Yep – I’m sure you all saw it.

I would like to say I was shocked by her behaviour, but let’s face it – none of us are shocked by any of her self-important antics by now. I kind of pity her for needing to go to such lengths to make herself feel like she’s relevant, but then again, I guess they needed the entire section for her ego alone.

Really?

The following photo made me laugh for so many reasons:

The first of which being, you can definitely tell she’s not at all listening to what the person next to her is saying, but is more interested in hearing what the security guard is telling the poor bloke with the phone. Her smug expression said it all really. 

“Shut up – I’m trying to listen to this dude inflate my sense of self-importance, and I can’t hear over your gibbering.”

Secondly, it was the fact that she came dressed like a prat and then demanded a whole section to herself, as though most of the people going to Wimbledon would want to share a seating area with her anyway. 

I think it’s pretty clear by now that most people cannot stand her, and would rather contract swine flu than sit within ten yards of Markle’s smug mug.

Meghan and Kate at the polo  

Fuck me – where on Earth do I start with this one?

Ok, I think I know where – has this woman held a baby before? Sorry no wait – has she held OWN CHILD before? 

In my near twenty-six years on this planet, I have never seen a woman so completely uncomfortable holding her own baby. 

At first glance of the above, I genuinely thought the paparazzi had mistakenly got a photo of me hoofing a sack of potatoes on my way back from Tesco after a long day at work.

“You’re comfortable, right Archie?”

But no, on closer inspection it was a woman who has allegedly had two months to bond with her baby and learn how to hold him properly, but doesn’t appear to have done.

I’m betting the nanny is the one doing all the holding, and Meghan did a quick five-minute rehearsal in front of the mirror that morning before stepping out in front of the cameras.

“Should probably have given it another ten minutes, to be fair.”

Secondly – has she heard of a SLING? Or a stroller? In the lead up to Archie arriving, we heard they’d had some fancy Silver Cross (or some other ridiculously expensive) pram delivered to Frogmore for him, so begs the question, why on Earth isn’t she using it?

She instead chose to stand for a good few hours, holding a heavy baby (like she was going to drop him), and all for what?

This echoes of me some years ago holding a family friend’s newborn baby for the first time; I wanted to “support her head” as much as possible, so decided to elevate my left elbow to almost chest level in order to do this.

Well, needless to say – she fell asleep on me and I was stuck like that for two hours, resulting in me almost needing my arm amputated by the time I was finally able to hand her back to her parents. 

So how Meghan carted Archie around like that for hours, I don’t know. 

She was struggling. We could all see it. But I suppose for the sake of the cameras, she was willing to suffer.

Secondly – we begin Part 1 of this week’s “Just What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

Yeah – even Kate has second hand embarrassment

It looked an awful lot like a plastic hutch cover I got for my rabbit one year when it snowed and I wanted to keep him warm.

Just £45.00 from Pets At Home!
That’s right, Meghan – I can merch too

Or like the marquee my Aunty Jane pops up in the garden during BBQs, determined to protect her cocktail sausages from the inevitable British rain.

It looked an awful lot to me like she was trying to hide her stomach. I don’t think she’s lost the baby weight yet, so she’s trying her utmost to hide it under items such as tent-like clothing, or y’know, her two-month-old baby – which is why I suspect her son was being held halfway down her torso the entire time.

The Cambridge kids didn’t interact with her once either, which was rather telling.

 Oh but wait – there was this rather special moment when Louis donned his Mum’s sunglasses and stuck his tongue out at Aunty Meghan – just doing what his mother would like to, but can’t.

“You’re not the only one who can throw shade, bitch.”

A sibling for Archie?

The utter horror.

I’ve actually read this week that Meghan and Harry are “keen to give Archie a sibling as soon as possible” – something that I think we all saw coming a mile off anyway.

Though they did get the wording wrong; I think what they meant to say was “Meghan is keen to increase her divorce settlement as soon as possible.”

Make it rain!

I have said all along that I think Sussex Spawn Number Two will be on it’s way by summer/autumn next year, but I’m starting to think it may be earlier than that. 

I do wonder if maybe the reason Meghan isn’t making an effort to shed the baby weight is because she’s planning on getting pregnant again as soon as possible.

She’s also pushing forty, so I’m sure she’s aware that her biological clock is ticking rather loudly and time is running out to pump out another drain on taxpayer funds.

And, you know – because two months post-pregnancy, she now has absolutely no clue now what to do with her hands. 

Meghan and Kate at Wimbledon 

Lots of outings for Meghan and Kate together in the last week – which I’m sure Kate absolutely loved.

“Yeah – fucking thrilled.”

Yes, on Saturday, Kate, Meghan and Pippa headed to Wimbledon together for the women’s final to watch Serena Williams take on Simona Halep. 

Meghan, now probably fancying herself as a tennis coach too, headed over to see Serena before the match in her changing room – probably to give her a pep talk or see if there  was anything she could merch for her.

Of course, she made sure she was photographed leaving the changing room too – you know, just in case there was any doubt they were friends. 

I half expected Meghan to walk out onto court holding Serena’s hand, if I’m honest. 

Maybe when her and Harry divorce, they could use her as a ball girl or something – just so she can make sure she’s still secured an invite.

So much for being her lucky charm hun – Serena had her arse handed to her.

Next, I must also turn your attention to Part 2 of “What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

Honestly– the only word for this get up was “abomination”:

It was Pippa’s turn to feel some secondhand embarrassment

While I’m pleased to see she’s re-wearing items, I’m not pleased to see that item is the hideous waitress-style shirt she wore to the Endeavour Awards back in February this year, where I momentarily mistook her as one of the bar staff. 

As for the skirt, please don’t get me started.

Meghan – when we said “recycle clothes”, we didn’t mean fashioning them from The Queen’s Sandringham curtains or an old rug the Cambridges threw out. 

Please woman, if you listen to any advice ever – PLEASE invest in a stylist. It’s abundantly clear by now that you can’t manage this on your own, so please stop trying.

Guys, I’m not joking, I’m actually starting to think the jeans and blazer look was better, if not wholly inappropriate. 

The skirt was frumpy and the belt she had around her middle did her no favours at all, only making her rather boxy torso look even thicker. I don’t like to body-shame, but I was getting major Spongebob vibes.

The whole fake display of unity was also rather nauseating; while the internet wet it’s knickers over Kate, Meghan and Pippa “hanging out” at Wimbledon together, anybody with eyes saw an uncomfortable Duchess, a woman all too aware of the cameras on her and a younger sister fucked off at having a Z-list actress separate her and her sibling during the match.

“You’re probably wondering how I got here.”
“Yeah – I fucking am.”

Well tonight is the premiere of The Lion King which Harry and Meghan, who seems to have forgotten what “maternity leave” means, will be attending. 

After our poor princess had to re-wear items of clothing yesterday, I’m sure she’s in desperate need of a £30,000 bespoke Givenchy gown for tonight – yep, Spenderella will be back on her A-game I’m sure and I’ll be covering it all next week.

Until then my lovelies – have a fab week ahead and I’ll see you same time next week!

Royal round-up: 7th July

It’s that time of week again, guys; where we look at all the crap that has taken place in royal world over the last seven or so days – and believe me, there’s a been fair bit this week!

As a side note, I’ve been blocked from posting on twitter for the next few days after I told a Sussex fan where to go last week, so I can’t share my blog on my page as usual, but would be very appreciative if others would 💖

Ok, so – with that aside, let’s start with the news of the hour: 

Archie’s christening 

Good God, where do I begin with this one? 

So first of all, it came out earlier in the week that Harry and Meghan had apparently decided not to reveal the godparents they had chosen for Archie – in another desperate bid to make themselves appear more important than they actually are, perhaps.

Let’s be real here, they don’t actually need to tell us – I think we can guess who they were: Serena Williams, who’s coincidentally here for Wimbledon at the moment, maybe the Clooneys and likely Priyanka Chopra and whatever Jonas brother she’s married to.

Fucking hell, if I was Archie I’d be so bloody embarrassed already – they may as well have asked the Kardashians to step in too.

Yes – really.

Either way, it’s not like any of Harry’s friends would’ve been chosen – let’s face it, the poor bastard doesn’t have any left after Meghan scared them all off and banned him from talking to anyone who dared tell him what Medusa Meg was really like. 

Of course, in regards to godparents, there was the inevitable backlash – from myself included. While I don’t really give a shit who’s godparent to the irrelevant seventh-in-line, and am glad to be spared any Sussex news where I can, I find their determination to withhold information incredibly cheeky. 

Come on guys – you live a life of grandeur off the back of the British taxpayer, yet you can’t even be arsed to share who the godparents are to your kid? 

Those with any brain cells were (rightly) angry about this, but then there were of course a few prats like this who stood around Windsor, dressed like a prick, saluting two people who were essentially sticking two fingers up at them:

Begs the question, but if they were so intent on keeping things private, why on Earth did we need to be told there was a christening to begin with? I mean, they could’ve just quietly had it without announcing it was taking place – they’d get their “privacy”, we’d all still sleep at night and everyone’s happy. 

But no. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have to demand attention, speculation and fanfare at all times, to keep themselves “relevant” and in the media, if nothing else. 

“Don’t look at us… but look at us!”

But then, we were treated to a nice glimpse of the Cambridges arriving at Windsor Castle – with William gritting his teeth so badly on the drive in, he has today been fitted for a set of dentures. 

I did hope at one point that he’d do humanity a favour, step on the gas and floor it through the gaggle of Harry and Meghan’s little fans – but alas, while I’m sure the thought crossed his mind, the future King maintained his cool and braced himself for the painful day ahead.

“Get the fuck out the WAAAAAY! Your future King has spoken!”

And of course, when it was all over, Harry and Meghan very kindly threw their (rather dense) fans a couple of scraps – two photos snapped of the day, which as usual, I have several thoughts on.. 

I give you – Picture Number 1:

Well if a picture speaks a thousand words, this one’s a fucking dissertation.

Forget the baby for a minute, my favourite is of course The Duke of Cambridge, who looks like he’s either having a stroke just at the prospect of being part of this “family photo”, or is seriously desperate for a dump. I imagine being around Meghan for longer than ten minutes has quite the effect on your bodily functions, so I can’t say I blame the dude. 

“Yep. We actually had to attend this shit.”

The Duchess of Cambridge is my second favourite, as she also appears to be battling some kind of stomach upset. 

“I know this smile isn’t coming out right, but hopefully people will just think I’ve had some really shitty botox.”

Oh Kate, that grimace has only been seen twice ever – once yesterday and once at Harry and Meghan’s wedding a year ago. Honestly, the poor cow looks like she’d rather be slaving away in an Indonesian factory than sitting within five feet of Media Meg and having to look pleased about it. It’s ok Catherine – we all know how you feel.

“Doubtful.”

Then there’s Harry – who for some reason, wore brogues to his son’s christening and a tie so long, Rapunzel could’ve used it to haul her ass outta that tower.

And one would wager that this royal stomach condition appears to be catching (maybe the dodgy christening catering?), as Hazza too looks like he could use a large dose of Pepto Bismol and being situated within ten feet of a bathroom at all times.

“Must’ve been that leftover chutney Kate made for Christmas!”

Honestly, for a man who was so desperate for a wife and kids, he didn’t look too chipper to me; more just uncomfortable and like someone had stuck a toilet plunger up his arse. 

But the real tense moment, if it was possible to override the Arctic zone between William and Harry, was the notion to stand Charles next to Diana’s sisters. Yes – someone actually thought it was a smart move to put the late Princess of Wales’s siblings next to the man who cheated on her, used her as a breeding machine and then discarded her publicly not long after. 

One can only imagine this was a carefully calculated move on Meghan’s part to make the Cambridge/Sussex feud look like a scrap between toddlers in the playground by comparison. 

“Yeah, that oughta do it.”

And lastly – we visit mum and son.

Meghan, who also appears to have a rod up her arse, seems to be holding down Archie’s right hand in a tight grip – likely to stop him signalling for help in the formal photographs.

🆘🆘🆘

Archie, large eyes wild, searches for the nearest exit, panicking he may never find it:

But there are so many doors – how will I know which one leads to the great outside world?

Maybe Aunty Catherine can smuggle me out in her handbag?

Where’s the fucking Queen when you need her?!

I already felt bad enough for the poor chap, and then we were all “treated” to Photo Number 2 – in which the Sussexes try their hardest to convince us they’re one super happy family. 

Whaddya know – even the baby appears to have a case of wind, judging by his expression

Well, the first thing that should be noted is that Archie failed in his attempt to make his great escape, so took to closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at his (somewhat terrifying) mother at all.

The second thing to notice is that Meghan, once again, has a vice like grip on her son’s arm. 

Perhaps it’s force of habit from hanging off Archie’s father, but someone needs to tell her that he’s only two months old – how fucking far does she think he’s going to go if she loosens her grip a bit?

“Canada, here I come!… actually on second thoughts, maybe not.”

Even in this “tender” moment though, Meghan’s Mealticket isn’t getting much of a look-in. Instead, she chooses to stare at Harry, with an expression I can only describe as one of great desperation.

“I wonder how soon I’ll need to get pregnant again to stop him from losing interest.”

I won’t even go into the predictable black-and-white filter Meghan has obviously chosen to use, because as usual, she thinks it makes things look more “artistic”. There’s a lot to be said for a mother who is more concerned with what filter to use for a family photo than actually holding her child properly. 

A moment of silence for Archie Harrison, who appears to have fallen victim to the Sussex death-grip also

I’ve gone on about this long enough, so I’ll leave it there for now – but what I will say is that given the people the Sussexes know, it’ll only be a matter of time (or a few days) before these “secret godparents” are leaking hints on social media that they were the “chosen ones” for Archie. 

Hiding their identities for the rest of Archie’s life?

Priyanka Chopra 

God this woman’s beginning to irritate the shit out of me.

Ok, so I don’t know if everybody saw this one, but last week, an article came out taken from an interview with Priyanka sometime before Archie was born – stating that she “knew Meghan was always destined for big things”.

And what would those “big things”, be Priyanka?

Being shagged against a wall in Suits?

Asking everyone desperately if they knew any rich men she could marry, because she was pushing 40 and had failed monumentally to crack Hollywood? 

Or stalking a British Prince until he married her, because at 34 and with no other women wanting to marry him, dear old Prince Henry of Wales was running out of prospects?

Hardly what I’d call Romeo and Juliet. 

I do find it funny that this interview was done about three months ago, but only seems to have gone to press in the week leading up to Archie’s christening.

So Priyanka, did you really think Meghan was always destined for great things, or were you just vying for a spot as godparent in advance, just to help keep yourself relevant?

My money’s on the latter. 

Kate and Meghan at Wimbledon 

So earlier this week, The Duchess of Cambridge, as Patron of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, took a seat in centre-court for the kick-off of Wimbledon 2019.

I don’t need to go on about this, because she looked absolutely fabulous as per, and as a keen tennis player herself, seemed to be really enjoying herself.

And then… and then… just like a hurricane in the distance… came something we should’ve seen a mile off.

Yes, despite it being reported earlier in the week that Meghan would NOT be attending due to being on “maternity leave” – she did in fact turn up with some “friends” to park her ever-widening arse in the royal box and make sure all the cameras got a nice clear shot of her.

Putting her intense need to be centre-stage to one side for a second, can we just please address her Wimbledon attire?

Er. Jeans. 

Jeans.

At Wimbledon?!

Whatever next – her bloody pyjamas to Ascot?

Did she think she was being modern?

Was she intentionally thumbing her nose at the dress code? (It wouldn’t be the first time.)

Or is she just having issues fitting into pre-baby clothes?

Either way, come on hun – everyone knows you don’t wear jeans to Wimbledon. Or a top with your cleavage showing. Or a blazer that’s so tight, it’s cutting off your circulation. 

And – having not learnt her lesson from last year – a fucking HAT. 

“Honestly, fuck the dress code, I’m telling you this is how the British do it.”

I’m pretty sure that was the exact same hat she carted with her last year, but couldn’t wear because, you know, hats aren’t actually allowed in the royal box. 

And this year, without Kate to give her some serious side-eye, she actually wore the bloody thing – largely because one of her friends told her to, along with an instruction to “now – look happy!”

📸: megan_bandelbanget

True to form, Meghan couldn’t be bothered to drag herself out for any of the British players, despite this now being her home, but made sure she was on-hand to cheer on fellow American Serena Williams. Shocker.

My favourite part was when Meghan put a lot of effort into her facial expressions, trying to pretend she understands tennis, when really the only sport she’s adept in is seeking out the closest camera. Bless ya, Meg. You tried.

“Yes, I really did!”

Well I’ve prattled on for long enough now, so I’ll leave it there for this week; I hope you all had a good one, especially my American friends for your big 4th July celebrations! 🇺🇸

I’ll be back next week – so until then, my lovelies, have a good one!

Royal round-up: 30th June

Happy Sunday all! (If you can ever call it that with work looming the next day).

There was a fair amount to talk about this week, so without further ado, I give you this week’s Royal Round-Up!

The Royal Foundation: dissolved

So last week, it was reported that William and Harry had met up for a formal meeting regarding The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and The Duke and Duchess of Sussex – and the rather shaky “foundation” it was sat on. 

It looks as though this meeting indeed signalled the end of the Cambridges and Sussexes work together on the charity; well – not that Harry and Meghan did much for it anyway, despite sit on a stage once to chat shit and scribble on some bananas, but you get the idea.

Yes – a crushing blow to the foundation, I’m sure.

We all knew this was coming anyway – it was announced several months ago now that both couples were going their own ways as they “simply couldn’t work together” anymore and that they all wanted to focus on “other things”. 

The royal foundation will be left to William and Kate, so that they can focus on mental health and early childhood development – and the Sussexes will create their own charity in due course, so that they can focus on merching for Mulroney and swindling as much money from the public as humanely possible. Ok – the palace didn’t quite word it that way, but we all know what they meant. 

Christ on a bike, to have been a fly on the wall during THAT meeting; Harry clearing his throat every ten seconds to avoid speaking to his brother, Prince William bringing along a thick scarf (just in case he had to really avoid speaking to Harry) and some poor fucker from the palace having to mediate for the brothers, in the likely event they tried to stab each other. Must have been frostier than Harry’s South Pole trek in that room.

“And this fucking meeting”

Personally, I think they should’ve let the brothers have a few beers, handed them some blunt objects and let them have it out properly (live streamed to the public, of course) – but maybe that’s just me.

“This one’s for the Queen, ya big, bald PRICK!”

Royal tours

With the Cambridges announcing a royal tour of Pakistan in the autumn, of course the Sussexes had to quickly stick their (likely coked-up) noses in there and try and garner some press attention for themselves.

Yep, true to form – Meghan took to the couple’s Instagram page to inform everyone that she, Harry (and it looks like Archie too) will be heading to Southern Africa in the autumn for a “royal tour”.

On behalf of Great Britain, I extend my formal apologies to the continent of Africa

But wait, sorry – do let me correct myself. Meghan and Archie will only be going to South Africa. With Harry journeying on after to Botswana, Malawi and Angola. 

No – don’t adjust your screen brightness – you read that correctly. Harry will be representing the monarchy in Africa – and Meghan and Archie are going on holiday. 

Fixed it!

I’m not too sure about the rest of my fellow Brits on here, but my nose is a bit bent out of shape at the prospect of paying for two nobodies and a baby to fly into South Africa, foot the bill for some hideously ugly and ridiculously expensive dresses for Meghan and then pay further for her to sit on her (now rather fat) arse in stunning Cape Town while Holiday Harry clocks up more air miles jetting about the continent. 

So why isn’t Meghan going to the other three countries? Well, the answer is simple – because they’re all slightly poorer nations than South Africa and Meghan can’t wear haute couture out there.

“Impoverished nations where I can’t wear Givenchy?!”

But of course, Meghan’s spending restrictions being her reason for not going to the other African countries have been hidden under the excuse of a “high malaria risk”, which begs the question – why the fuck are they going at all?

The whole “tour” just smacks of pointless. 

My advice to the palace? Considering Madam Meghan will barely be lifting a finger out there, I’d imagine it would fit better for Harry to go out there by himself and leave the Mrs and baby in England. It’s more cost effective, makes more sense and we’ll be spared seeing Meghan’s smug mug for a couple of weeks.

Meghan’s engagement ring gets a facelift 

Yep, Meghan Markle has only gone and fucked her engagement ring design right up. 

Not content with the original one Harry so lovingly designed and created with diamonds from his mother’s jewellery collection, Mrs Sussex has shat all over Harry’s initial design and changed basically everything about the ring.

It should also be noted how purple Harry’s hand is in the second photo, due to the start-up of the Sussex death-grip

The ring either way isn’t really to my taste, but I definitely prefer the one Harry designed.

The “new” one seems to have a thinner band (to make the centrepiece diamonds look larger, no doubt), with diamonds now emblazoned all around the band – and the cut of the main diamond itself also appears to have been changed.

Does anyone remember how excited Harry was during the engagement interview to tell us how he’d designed it specially for her, and Meghan glanced down (with her famous faux adoring look) and said “and he designed it! It’s beautiful!”

“Yeah… for a peasant.”

Well you couldn’t have found it that bloody beautiful love, because you’ve gone and changed the whole ring just over a year after the wedding. 

I’m willing to bet Meghan is just blinging everything up in preparation for the divorce, so she has some costly pieces to flog on eBay or down the local pawn shop when the “royal marriage” eventually goes down the shitter.

And to think – their third date was in Botswana and the core diamond was sourced from there, but dear old Meg can’t even be arsed to go there in the autumn. Sentimental? Sure.

“Where was that third date, again? Brixton? Shit sorry – BOTSWANA. My bad.”

Meghan and Harry’s nanny 

Some interesting pieces out in the last week or two on this situation – the first of which being that Harry and Meghan have apparently gone through three nannies for Archie already.

Yes. Three. For a baby that was born seven weeks ago.

Being honest, the articles didn’t make it clear whether they were fired or walked out voluntarily, but I can kinda envisage both scenarios. Let’s set the scene:

Scenario 1: in which Meghan, who has been a mum for all of a few weeks and likely never held a baby before this time, spends every waking minute shouting at a qualified Norland nanny, and telling her she’s not holding Archie “the correct way”. 

“I’ve obviously never held him, but I think Harry’s doing it right.”

OR

Scenario 2: The nanny has gone in, realised that sharing a house with Meghan is like living under Krakatoa waiting for it to erupt, and has decided to haul ass outta there. 

“Fuck-ing forget it dude.”

Bet even Archie is wishing he could be put up for adoption at this point too, given the nightmare his mum appears to be. 

The other story that came out was that Harry and Meghan were apparently making these nannies sign NDAs… Now admittedly, I couldn’t be arsed to read all of that tripe, but NDAs for what, exactly?

So they wouldn’t reveal Meghan’s great avocado-on-toast recipe?

So they wouldn’t tell the press that Harry and Meghan actually spend their evenings getting shit-faced and knocking ten bells out of each-other, true British chav style?

Or to not reveal that Meghan lost her mind, wasn’t actually pregnant and Archie is in fact a Reborn Doll?

No, I’m (sort of) kidding about this one, but can you imagine it it was true? 

I don’t know if any of you have seen that film “The Boy”, but it’s about some English couple who hire a nanny to take care of their “child”, but when the nanny gets there, she realises it’s just some elderly folk carting a doll around this massive Georgian mansion and singing/reading/talking to it.

“Archie Mountbatten-Windsor? Are you guys taking the piss?”

It’s the most epic pile of shit I’ve ever watched, but we can’t be too sure Meghan hasn’t seen it and drafted some of her own ideas from there. Anything is possible with Medusa Meg. 

Meghan’s back – sort of. Unfortunately.

Thought we’d had a lucky escape there, but maybe not. Six months maternity leave, my arse.

Yep, Meghan was let out of her cage yesterday to join Harry on a visit to Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, where they met the Boston Red Sox. What the point was of this engagement I don’t know, but then again, I find very little point to anything the Sussexes do.

Most articles detailed how “happy” Meghan looked: well of course she’s bloody happy – there are cameras, she’s the centre of attention and in a room full of men, something she is rather used to from her LA days – I’d say she was in her element there and must have had a sense of nostalgia from her yacht girl days. 

“Just like when I was a ho.”

I even admired her for laughing through what must have been an incredibly difficult moment, as she realised her “American cousins” had actually done their research, knew her son wasn’t a prince and hadn’t mistakenly put it on the baby clothes they gifted Harry and Meghan.

“Oh my God, Harry – how cute! They forgot to put ‘Prince’ on the jersey!”
“No but seriously, I’m smiling because there are cameras, but it’s not on this one either.”

I also think it’s nice she managed to find it in her to drag her arse out of Berkshire to meet a baseball team, but couldn’t be bothered when her own President was in town. Mad props Meghan. 

And whaddya know? The Sussex double-grip is back! 

With no baby bump to cling on to for dear life anymore (thank fuck), Meghan is back holding onto her human Zimmer frame – Prince Harry. 

“So glad I now have two free arms again to do this.”

I spent ages thinking maybe she holds onto Harry because she’s unsteady in heels, but no – she was wearing flats yesterday and was still unable to walk unaided. 

Harry had to physically wind his arms behind his back at one point to stop Desperate Duchess from effectively wrenching one of them off. Bet he didn’t miss THAT one on engagements; he looked like he was spending most of the visit trying to work out if supergluing his arms to his side might be a good way of getting his wife to back the fuck off. 

It’s ok mate – it might just be easier to divorce her and retain the circulation in your arm. As well as that of your balls.

I’m sure Harry can identify very well with this scene.

Well that’s all for this week, ladies and gents! But I’ll be back next weekend with another instalment – I have a feeling there’ll be lots to report on.

Until then, stay safe and have a lovely week! 💖