Royal round-up: 13th September 🖤

Well hello there, hope you’re all well and I don’t think I need to say that it has been one fuck of a week in royal world.

There isn’t much introduction needed this week as you might imagine, so without further ado, let’s open with undoubtedly the biggest royal news of the last two decades.

The passing of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

It had to happen at some point, but it was still a shock. As I got the text from my mum telling me– while I stood in the vegetable aisle at Waitrose trying to find a cabbage that didn’t look like the employees had played football with it– the news broke across the world: Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain had passed away peacefully at the age of 96.

“What do you mean the Queen’s dead?!”

We were told in the morning by the palace that she wasn’t doing too well and that doctors were ‘concerned’.

At first, I didn’t think a whole lot of it as we’ve had several of these news stories over the last couple of years, but my ears pricked up a bit when I saw that the whole family had flown to Scotland to be with The Queen at Balmoral Castle.

The urgency with which the family arrived in Scotland told us all we needed to know: the end was near for our Queen.

It was, however, the shittest timing that Harry and Meghan just so happened to be in Britain while Her Majesty was dying. And of course, after they all had done– dragging The Queen and causing her stress in her final years– they had the fucking audacity to want to show up at Balmoral and say their goodbyes.

“We know we dragged you on national TV, called you a racist and neglectful, shat all over the family you’re the head of and accused you of discrimination for not giving our kids titles— but one last hug perhaps? Maybe an heirloom or two?”

Fucking hell— Harry and Meghan’s faces are enough to make anyone flatline.

“Gran? It’s us, yah— Harry and Meg—“

Luckily, giving us a taste of what is really to come now Charles is King and ruling the roost, with Prince William second in command, he promptly told Meghan she had another thing coming if she thought she was getting within 20 miles of the monarch after all the damage she had done.

“You set one foot near the Scottish border and I can assure you, I’ll boot you both up the arse so hard, you’ll feel like you’re on a Concorde back to California.”

I say– good for him. I was none too impressed with Harry heading over to see her after the pain he has caused too, and allowing his wife to run her mouth, but let’s face it– he was still her grandson and did have the right to be there.

But at the nth hour, the Sussexes’ spokesperson was forced to put out a statement confirming that Harry and Meghan had pulled out of the Wellchild Awards in London that night due to the Queen being sick, but Meghan would remain behind in London while Harry travelled to Scotland.

“I know your grandma is dying and I’m sympathetic yah, but just how long are you going to be in Scotland for? You know I can’t take two steps forward without hanging off your arm. What the fuck am I meant to do for the next few days?”

It was also reported that it didn’t look good that Kate was remaining behind in Windsor, due to being on kid duty, and then having Meghan be there. She is definitely the wife they give far less of a shit about, so I’m not sure why she would even want to show her face anyway.

“Hey guys — it’s me again. You know, the banished wife who keeps talking shit about all of you to anyone who will listen?”
“Feed her to the corgis.”

But for Harry, it was too late; the Queen died just before 4:30pm, with Harry arriving an hour later. He was snapped leaving Balmoral the next morning looking decidedly bereft, but my sympathy for him really is in short supply.

The face of a man who’s beginning to realise just how badly he’s fucked up

What a crying shame he didn’t get the chance to apologise properly to his granny for all he had done to her these past couple of years– solely because he has let his cruel and bitter wife run the show.

Rejecting The Queen’s invitation to Harry and Meghan to join her at Balmoral this summer, it was pretty jarring to see him suddenly drop everything and run to Scotland at the last minute, only because he was told she was dying.

“Don’t worry Nan– I’m on my way to take what’s left of the crown jewels.”
“No you don’t Harry, you little bastard– they’re mine!”

Following her passing, some members of the family returned to London, including the new King Charles III, who met the crowds on a walkabout outside Buckingham Palace on 9th September.

Accompanied by his new Queen Consort Camilla, Charles was in fairly good spirits as he greeted his subjects:

“Yes, just don’t hold onto my hands for too long in the current climate, dear boy or I won’t be King for very long.”

There was a minor gaff when Charles didn’t appear to know what entrance to use to the palace, so in an odd move, walked through the main gates instead.

“Any idea where the front door is, Cam?”
“You can’t be fucking serious Charles– weren’t you born here?!”

But once inside, there was no rest for The King as he prepared to record his first official address as monarch to the United Kingdom and Commonwealth Realms.

I have to say, he gave a really good speech actually; it was a lovely tribute to his late mother, he sang the praises of his family (the supportive ones anyway) and he essentially told Harry and Meghan to go fuck themselves. What more could you want from a speech?

“Quite frankly, you can kiss one’s Kingly arse.”

Now that Charles is on the throne, I did make the devastating realisation that Archie and Lili are now actually entitled to the style of HRH Prince/Princess.

While Meghan sat at home practically wetting her knickers in excitement that her kids would finally get the titles she so badly craved for them, King Charles had other ideas during his speech.

He was all like:

“And I would like to thank my wonderful family for all their support over my years as the Prince of Wales and for the continued support I know they’ll provide as I take the throne. With that said, I’ve made the lovely William and Catherine the Prince and Princess of Wales with immediate effect… And Harry, Meghan?”
“This is it babes! At last!”
“Have fun in America lol.”

But bothering Meghan slightly more than the lack of acknowledgement that her kids should now be ‘PrInCe AnD pRiNcEsS oF sUsSeX’ was the fact that Catherine had now been granted the title of Princess of Wales.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I had been there to see her face the moment she learnt that bit of news.

Yes, as Catherine was declared to be taking over Princess Diana’s title after it had been dormant for 25 years, the fine china was meeting the walls of Frogmore Cottage– and possibly Harry’s head too.

“How the fuck could you let this happen Harry!? That title was MINE!”
“It was never yours Meghan, yah– stop throwing plates at me. Maybe if you apologise, they’ll make you Princess of Brixton or something.”

Honestly, it reminded me of Mean Girls when Damian is dressed as Santa and handing out the candy canes to the kids in class:

“…and no titles for your kids, bye.”

Please let me take a moment to step away from the satire and tell you how UTTERLY THRILLED I am that William and Catherine are the new Prince and Princess of Wales! They will absolutely smash it. 💙

Ok— back to the shredding of the Sussexes…

Dearie me, Meg! Should’ve kept your fat trap shut these last two years and your kids could be sitting pretty right now.

But alas, they are still stated as plain old Archie and Lilibet in the official line of succession— despite one Sussex Squad wanker’s attempt on Friday night to edit their Wikipedia pages and make them the “prince and princess of Sussex”, which was swiftly removed by someone with brains.

Keep checking Megs – maybe tomorrow!

In any case, I doubt this is likely to change any time soon; Charles has long since wanted to slim down the monarchy, so while Meghan might be clapping her hands in glee, if he changes the letters patent (and I get the feeling he will, to limit the number of Princes and Princesses within the family like he has always wanted to), Meghan is well and truly fucked.

“Rest assured Harry— in my next life I’m coming back again as me and it’s William I’ll be after this time.”

But things were to get even worse for Meghan; in a bid to console herself over the fact that her kids aren’t royal, Meghan pushed Harry into organising their own “royal walkabout” outside Windsor Castle to greet the crowds— even telling various US media channels to roll up and wait while they used the Queen’s death as a photo op for their own personal gain and to stay in Netflix’s good graces.

“I know it may seem insensitive to film this but you don’t understand yah; Netflix were about to drop us because our content was shit. I’d given up all hope— and then The Queen actually dies over the 3 days a year we’re in the U.K. so we finally get some good footage? It’s fate.”

But it was William and Catherine who saved the day once again by getting wind of the fact Harry and Meghan were attempting (and failing) to behave like members of the royal family by doing a walkabout and scuppered their plans at the last minute.

“Harry? It’s William, yah. Look— Catherine and I have arranged a walkabout on the castle grounds to meet the crowds and I suggest you and Meghan join us. Not because we want you to, but so that the press don’t have to photograph me running you over with my Land Rover.”
“Ok we’ll do it— but if Meghan swings for Kate, I can’t promise you I’ll be able to stop her from doing some damage.”
“‘Do some damage‘? Bitch please. Kate’s done judo for 10 years, recently taken up kickboxing and has birthed a future king. Your wife will be in the Tower of London come 5pm.”

Yep— what the media described as William “extending an olive branch” was very clearly a boss move at regaining control of the situation by inviting the gruesome twosome to walk around with them to greet the mourners.

“Right Wills— let’s make this quick babes. Ten minutes of shaking hands and collecting mugs with the Queen’s face on it and it’s back in for some vodka martinis and cigarettes.”

It should be (rather hilariously) noted that despite both couples living on the same estate and less than a mile from each other, they took two separate cars to Windsor Castle — unable to bear being in each other’s company for a four-minute car ride.

“Sorry bro, we definitely would’ve had you and Meghan in the car with us yah— we’d just really rather take it in turns to sit down hard on the Westminster abbey spire than spend a few extra minutes with you than we have to.”

I do also recall a particularly hilarious moment where Catherine swept past and ahead of Meghan, who still can’t grasp protocol and didn’t realise she’s supposed to walk behind The Prince and Princess of Wales and not barge them out of the way, like she has done with Harry so many times.

“Right Haz — solemn expressions on. Let’s lead the way into the throng of adoring crowds.”
“Bitch, get five paces behind me before I stuff one of those Union Jack teddy bears up your arse.”

Despite Harry and William putting on a show of them engaging with each other, it was quite clear all interactions were strained. Meghan and Catherine didn’t speak once from what I saw and I don’t even think Harry interacted with sister-in-law Catherine either.

“Well at least you’re awfully smiley Kate, babes.”
“Must be the two Xanax I popped before getting into the car taking effect.”
“You’re not the only one hun — I did four lines of coke before getting here, but at least the crowds will think I’m sniffling with emotion.”

And it wasn’t long before the Sussexes cleared off and let the Prince and Princess of Wales handle the walkabout as actual royalty.

Harry and Meghan were there for a bit to see what freebies they could nick from the crowds (in the name of The Queen, of course) but soon buggered off after realising nobody was actually there to see them and that they’d outstayed their welcome.

“Thank you so much dear— did you pick these from the bin I dumped them in this morning outside Frogmore?”

And with that — it was time to leave.

“Actually fuck it, we better head off— Kate’s aiming a flag at me like a javelin which means I have ten seconds to get into the car or I lose an eye.”

And the next day, duties resumed for The King, as he was officially proclaimed as sovereign at St. James’s Palace here in London.

At the signing of the proclamation, The King slotted in nicely to his new role— even if there were some issues with table space.

“Take this plastic shit off the table yah— you know I’m into sustainable living.”

For right now, The Queen has been brought back to Buckingham Palace for one last night, where she has been received by the royal family (and Harry and Meghan).

I’ll be covering more of this off in my next post and the events that follow, but for now, The Queen is home — one final time.

Harry and Meghan go to Germany

Sadly— they didn’t stay there.

Having already pissed off England enough just by being here, Harry and Meghan then decided to take to the skies once again and head off to Germany– where they continued their wannabe-royal tour of Europe.

Yep, last Tuesday morning, the two touched down in Dusseldorf to attend an Invictus Games event, the reason of which evades me now.

Besides Meghan’s need to wet herself with excitement over the cameras being on her

Firstly… what in fuck’s name is Markle wearing?

Imagine standing next to a veteran in his war uniform (not you, Harry– the actual soldier) and dressing like you’re off for brunch at a rooftop bar? It errs on disrespectful.

“Yah, well we were just swinging by— we’ve got a bottomless brunch at the bar around the corner after this and they’ll cancel our table if we’re more than 15 minutes late, so we really better make a move.”

Secondly– the outfit itself is just super ugly.

The top doesn’t fit her properly and I think it’s high time someone told her that halter necks rarely look good on anyone, let alone someone who is, er, slightly boxy in the shoulder and midriff region.

“I actually didn’t catch a word of what you said, but I’ll just fake-laugh hysterically so the camera can snap me having such a bloody good time, yah.”

When you’re already shaped like SpongeBob, I wouldn’t recommend squaring your shoulders even further in a halter. Not a good look.

But dodgy outfits aside, Harry and Meghan were absolutely lapping up any and all attention, clearly thriving off the fact that Germany take less umbrage toward them due to the fact they haven’t been royally fucked over where their tax money is concerned.

“Yes, smile and photograph away— if things don’t work out in the USA, we’ll be over to Germany to squander your taxes on total shit too. You’ve been warned.”

Actually… I may have spoken too soon with that one.

It does appear that the German government did in fact pay for a private jet to collect Harry and Meghan from London to fly to Dusseldorf, and back again. Yep, a $50million German Air Force plane transported two former royals between two countries on a fake tour that no one invited them to do.

And who had the pleasure of paying for that one? Of course!– It was the German taxpayer! I’ll bet you guys are thrilled… they’re not even your royal family.

Hell— they’re not even ours.

I’m super disappointed in the German government for this one. While so many countries up and down Europe are telling its citizens to use less water and electricity to cut living costs and save the planet, you somehow found it in your budget to ferry two losers across Europe for an hour’s photo op?

“We know you have to save on energy and water which is why we made your country pay for a private plane for us. We showered onboard though, so that should offset some of the cost.”

A source was quoted as saying:

The Bundeswehr are proud to be associated with the games to help with wounded war veterans and the offer was made when we were awarded the games. The same offer will apply next year when the games start.


Last time I checked, Harry wasn’t a wounded war veteran. Emotionally wounded? Yes. War veteran? Um, not quite.

And if they’re trying to blag this one under the false premise of ‘work’, they can sod off. This is not work. Imagine if I showed up at my office, took photos for an hour and fucked off? Don’t think they’d be too impressed.

“Guys, I’m not actually staying for the board meeting— I just wanted to pop in and photograph me at work to create the illusion that I’m actually doing something.”

In any case, I’ve gone to Germany for actual work previously — where was my private jet?! I don’t recall them being too willing to offer myself and my colleagues an Air Force plane.

— British Airways when we dared to even ask about upgrades

And then there’s their rent-a-crowd; a small gaggle of unassuming German citizens who were presumably paid to fawn over these two prats, which is interesting as roughly 80% of public feedback on them is negative— so how many fans can they actually have?

“Lovely to meet you – thank you for coming!”
“You too… which member of the family are you again?”

In any case, thanks for taking one for the team there Germany, because the United Kingdom were sure as shit not going to pay for it.

If I was Liz Truss and they asked me for a mode of transport to get there, I’d promptly suggest they Google WizzAir flights and get the fuck out of my emails. Or suggest an alternative mode of transport:

“It’s ok Harry and Meghan— we’re pretty fucked with Brexit, the pandemic and the cost of living this winter, but we can stretch to a Tesco trolley?”

Safe travels, Sussexes.

Well unfortunately, it seems like Harry and Meghan will be hanging around like a fart under the duvet until after the funeral, so this should be fairly chaotic.

I should note that I’m on holiday in Greece from Tuesday for around a week so there may be a delay with the next post— but realistically, I’m going to be sat on my backside eating tzatziki or whatever, so I’ll keep my ear to the ground and will start pulling things together— and I’m sure there’ll be a lot.

The state funeral is on Monday 19th at Westminster abbey at 11am, declared a bank holiday within the United Kingdom by King Charles III— so to all my fellow Brits, enjoy the long weekend.

Wishing you all a lovely rest of the week and we’ll catch up soon!

RIP Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II— a truly magical reign of 70 years. Thank you for your service 💜

Disclaimer: Nothing here is intended to be offensive toward Her Late Majesty — just Harry and Meghan. All respect is given to our late sovereign. 💜

11 responses to “Royal round-up: 13th September 🖤”

  1. They are going to make a mockery of the funeral. I don’t know how she can stand, she is that twisted!

  2. Lovely to have you posting again! I’m so embarrassed as an American by Meghan. Please know that we are not all conniving and narcissistic like she is. Scotland did very well for the first stage of the Queen’s remembrance–brought tears to my eyes.

  3. We can always rely on you to cheer us up darling! Have a wonderful holiday…..oopah!!

  4. Snorted loud enough to scare my cats at the imagined conversation between William and Harry.

  5. Even as an American, I was absolutely gutted when I heard Queen Elizabeth II had died. I fell down the rabbit hole searching for all the news I could find, while tears were streaming down my face.
    We will never see the like of this great woman again, or a generation like hers. We are leaving the era of duty, responsibility, self-discipline, sense of community, service, faith based actions, respect and courtesy, because we certainly see none of that in the woke.
    Her death will send ripples all around the world.
    Enjoyed your column. Have a great time in Greece.

  6. Thank you Saffy! In such sad times it was a nice little treat. Especially when h and m are constantly stirring crap. Unbelievable couple. Absolutely horrible. Btw. I fully agree with your analysis of her clothes in Germany. Disrespectful, and dodgy. I loved your Tesco cart idea!

    About her Majesty: what an amazing Queen, what an amazing woman! I don’t understand why don’t they hail her more as an excellent example of female empowerment? She was a leader for 70 years!!!!

    Stupid little Megsy should’ve watch her and learn from her. Keeps yapping about feminism, and who is she, what has she done?!?!?! Right in front of her was our era’s biggest female role model, and she didn’t even acknowledge that? Wow.

    Have fun in Greece! Thanks again for your time!

  7. Thanks for the laugh!

    “Feed her to the corgis” – please do! Maybe then their PRs and antics would finally come to a halt. And all attention will be back to the Queen who dedicated her life to service without once complaining.

  8. absolutely spot on, as well as being pissingly hysterically funny….thanks for the analysis and your input…and yeah, H&M deserve whatever shit is thrown their way, detest the both….

  9. I believe it was Louis XIII of France who said, apres moi le deluge. I think the same thing will happen with the passing of HMTQ. The new era will not be as good.

    I always thoroughly enjoy your satire of events and especially your take on the dastardly duo.
    Keep up the good work. Take care ne have a wonderful holiday.🇺🇸🇬🇧

  10. Megsie went for the halter look because she looked good in the halter Wedding Dress #2 back in 2018. Which she did- BACK THEN. Two crotch fruits, few lbs, and several years of sag later: not so much. She is afflicted with the unfortunate mental illness of dressing for the body she used to have, which results in priceless hilarity for people with eyes.

    Regarding HMTQ, I sadly figured what was going on when I saw the florist van parked inside the gates… hours before the announcement. A florist van would’ve had no other business there, unfortunately. She was one of a kind, may she RIP.

  11. It takes a special kind of a$$hole to piss off Catherine Wales, but, congratulations Nutmeg, you did. Wear that crown proud because it’s the only one you’ll ever get. I thought The Princess of Wales was a true Queen not interacting with her. But, poor Sophie…what I would have given to be a fly in that car.

    Sending lots of love and sympathies to my fellow Commonwealth citizens on the passing of our exquisite Queen. How lucky are all of us to live during her reign! May she rest in eternal peace.

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