CrownsOfBritain

Hello everyone– it’s time for another royal round up! Hope you’re all having a good week so far!

I’m back from my spa break which ended up being slightly more boozy and heavier than I anticipated, so instead of feeling refreshed, I feel more like an old shoe someone discarded on the side of the road, but ah well.

But not wanting to let you guys down, I’ve put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and tried to cover off some of the bigger items in royal circles this week. So let’s take a look….

Harry’s memoir

So apparently there is some truth to the longstanding rumours that Prince Harry has penned a ‘memoir’ of his life so far.

Apparently this pile of ‘hotly-anticipated’ garbage is due for release by Christmas— by which time, Harry should have learnt enough to read and write a full sentence.

…And if a single member of my family is thinking of getting this for me as a jokey stocking filler, please be warned that I will not be responsible for my actions.

Real talk– what exactly is going to be within this book? He hasn’t actually done anything with his life, apart from playing toy soldier for a few years and pissing off to America after marrying a Z-list actress.

Shall we start placing bets on the format of this bestselling epic? Here goes….

It all starts in Kensington Palace in September 1984, when Henry Charles Albert David of Wales is born to The Prince and Princess of Wales, Prince Charles and Princess Diana. He is their second child, joining big brother Prince William of Wales, who is a bit of an arsehole throughout Harry’s childhood (according to Harry anyway for dramatic effect, as we all know he’s gonna try and make Wills look as bad as possible).

Growing up, Harry always felt that he was in his elder brother’s shadow; as the would-be King, William regularly had a fuss made over him; being provided with gourmet dinners at the banquet table while Harry was fed meagre scraps of bread and sour milk in the tower.

Harry grew through his teenage years into what he would consider to be a well-rounded, well-mannered young man, who was always on his best behaviour and showed respect to all.

And while Prince William spent time partying away at St. Andrews University and shacking up with new girlfriend Kate Middleton in student housing eating Tesco-value pizza, Harry was keen to do something more worthwhile with his life– so he joined the army.

There, Harry was a real asset to his comrades: always keen to muck in and put himself on the frontline to protect his fellow men.

When not deployed, Harry made frequent trips back to London, where he romanced the likes of Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas (not at the same time obviously, but I wouldn’t put it past him.) Yes– perhaps the wayward Prince was finally on the way to finding a wife of his own, now that his brother had settled down too.

But the poor little prince had his heart broken when both women eventually dumped him as the royal life was just not for them.

Downtrodden, but not deterred, Harry instead threw himself into charity work, doing what he loved most– helping others.

But he just wasn’t fulfilled: while his brother and sister in law churned out kid after kid, Harry just couldn’t help but feel that something was missing from his life.

No, Harry– a woman.

And with that, Henry of Wales began searching again; little did he know that a plucky actress from California was also fighting her way across the Atlantic with a shitty stick to grace Britain’s shores with her presence– and to find a rich husband, because none of the ones in America wanted her.

Enter: Meghan Markle.

After meeting on a ‘blind date’ in London, because Meggy had simply no idea that it was a British Prince she was being set up with, Harry decided to push forward with the actress. She was dazzling (to him, anyway), engaging (to herself, anyway) and clearly desperate for a tiara, so why not?

After a few more dates and one burnt roast chicken later, the two were engaged to be married: it had only been a year, but with Meghan’s fertility window closing and Harry’s bald patch growing, the two knew they had to fast track this one.

Six months later, the pair were married in a fairytale ceremony at Windsor Castle in front of delighted members of their families Harry’s family.

Even with the small hiccup of Meg’s dad having a heart attack and several loudmouth family members threatening to blow her cover as the social-climbing snake she really was, Meghan was determined to make it down the aisle and marry her Prince before he realised he’d been had.

The months after the wedding passed quickly with royal engagements, settling into the marital home and Meghan getting knocked up with their first kid. Harry was overjoyed– he was finally going to have everything his brother did.

Their son, Archie, was born in May 2019 and Harry and Meghan took to parenthood like ducks to water.

But dear old Meggy had been deeply unhappy since moving to London; having royal residences and staff her disposal, unlimited cashflow, chauffeurs, cooks, nannies, security, a royal title and no need to work was getting on top of her– so in a bid to make Harry see how much his family had stifled her, she threatened to top herself by drowning herself in the washing machine.

So devastated was Harry that he could not protect his wife from horrible Britain and it’s tabloids, despite having access to immeasurable wealth and all the resources possible, he realised that something must be done: they were going to move to California.

And in the dead of night, the family fled Frogmore Cottage in Windsor, hightailing it to jump onboard their private jet and never look back at the U.K. ever again.

Harry was overjoyed; his wife and child were safe, the Californian sun was shining high in the sky every day and they got to live the simple, quiet life they had so desperately craved.

And eventually, after an eventful evening of poking holes in all the condoms and what felt like the gestation period of an elephant later, Archie was joined by a sister, Lilibet– given Her Majesty The Queen’s nickname, even though Meghan fucking hates The Queen.

And since then… shit all else has happened, save for the two of them cashing in where they can on bashing Harry’s family, both of them conveniently forgetting that neither one of them would be where they are today if it wasn’t for the BRF.

THE END.

Nah but for real, excluding my GIFs and photos, Harry’s life story could fill probably about 5 pages, so good luck to whoever his publisher is– you’re all gonna need it.

Meghan’s latest podcast

So apparently old Suck-ass has sat down with Mariah Carey (why?) to…. you guessed it! Bitch some more about being ‘royal’.

In the latest instalment of the Sussex Shitshow, Meghan apparently tells Mariah that she can ‘say whatever she wants’ now that she has left The Firm.

Honey, maybe you weren’t lying when you said you knew nothing about the Royal Family because clearly you aren’t aware of how badly they can and will fuck you up if you continue to get on the Queen’s last nerve.

I mean… this is the same family who are still being accused of killing Princess Diana 25 years later. And while I don’t believe there’s any truth to those claims, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep your wits about you and your trap closed.

Meghan continues to bash the shit out of her violin by claiming that:

Just by existing, we were upsetting the dynamic of the hierarchy.

Meghan, still chatting shit.

The problem, dear Meghan, is that you guys did not ‘simply exist’– you made a fuss and a noise at every fucking turn.

You consistently ignored any palace advice when it came to handling the press (despite not being adept at doing so yourself.)

You spent taxpayer money like it was water and wore outfits worth thousands of pounds to visit charity centers.

You refused to share most details of your child’s birth with us and never even publicly revealed who his godparents are.

You have continuously shunned and taken the piss out of us all, so please stop sitting there and pretending you are the victim.

She then even apparently went on to discuss the breakdown of Harry and Charles’s relationship, as though it’s any of her fucking business.

She drawls on about how Harry told her that he felt he had ‘lost his father in the process’– I mean, whose fault is that though babe?

You moved an 11-hour flight away, took Charles’s grandkids away from him (and he’s probably only met the first kid twice and the second kid once), have spewed lies and vitriol on national TV about the family and you are expecting… what exactly? Charles to keep smiling and telling you how much he loves you?

But then quickly realising that she should have kept her fat trap shut on a matter that didn’t concern her, Meghan’s team (comprising solely of her and Harry) were quick to say that Meghan was actually talking about her relationship with her father– as though we needed to be told that things aren’t all rosy between Meghan and Thomas Markle.

Other ridiculous statements she makes during the ‘podcast’ include:

Her and Harry being like ‘salt and pepper’ because they ‘always move together’.

Claiming she never had to sign anything that restricted her from speaking, but she is ‘still healing’.

Claiming she faced issues in the UK due to being American– not necessarily a Black American.

Says she has made an active effort to ‘forgive’.

And lastly, my favourite….

She claims that people ‘still see her as a Princess despite stepping down as a senior royal’.

Despite saying we weren’t necessarily racist in the first part, she then goes on to lament how she was ‘only treated like a black woman’ once she arrived in the UK (because apparently we’re all white and have never seen a black person before, despite every 2nd person in the UK being from another country).

Meggy, if you were treated a certain way, it is most certainly down to your own behaviour. I think the reason you only ‘got in touch’ with the maternal side of your heritage was because you intentionally called yourself ‘Caucasian’ while in the USA/Canada because you thought it gave you a leg up (and over) in the acting industry. You only started referring to yourself as a ‘woman of colour’ once you got here for reasons we can probably work out.

And then then there is the troweling on of fake tan which she very conveniently only ever seems to do while in Britain, but I won’t go into that again.

There was also mention of how she kept a journal ‘during her time as a royal’ where she documented the daily events going on around her and how rough she was having it over here in England, what with all the money, staff, security and properties.

I mean really though, who is actually trusting of that?

We all saw Gone Girl where that crazy bitch kept a fake diary for over a year to make it seem as though she was in danger with her husband and to frame him for her ‘murder’.

All in all, I wouldn’t trust that fictitious crap as far as I could wipe my arse with it. And despite the claims that Buckingham Palace are allegedly ‘quaking in their boots’ at the prospect of Meghan’s sad little diary being leaked, I highly doubt they give a flying one; most of what she comes out with is total shite anyway, so I doubt this will be an exception.

Harry and Meghan adopt a new dog

Just when the poor pup thought life couldn’t get any worse, he gets adopted by Harry and Meghan.

So apparently Harry and Meghan took a stroll over to a sanctuary that rescued 4000 beagles from a breeding center– because you know, they’re just those sort of people.

Now I know what you’re thinking; there go our lovely Harry and Meghan– just two down to earth humanitarians, skipping along the Californian sidewalk hand-in-hand and on their way to do yet another good deed without notifying the press.

In true Sussex fashion, these two plonkers ensured it was an ‘after hours’ visit only (so they didn’t have to go near the plebs) and took security detail with them for reasons that are unbeknownst to me.

I actually think it’s the height of arsehole-ry to go somewhere like a rescue center and take two frigging security guards with you, because all that’s saying to the workers there is that you don’t trust them, after they so kindly kept the store open (and likely worked extra hours they weren’t paid for) because you couldn’t bear to be around the peasants.

If I were one of the staff there, I’d be like:

Moreover, has everyone conveniently forgotten Meghan’s track record caring for canines?

I’m fairly certain she dumped one dog in Canada because he ‘didn’t like Harry’.

And as for the other dog, I think he took a nasty tumble down the stairs and broke a leg, if I’m not mistaken. I also believe the dog she dumped off in Toronto was left behind because Meghan declared him ‘too old’ to cross the Atlantic.

Just kidding – I know 41 isn’t old!

But right now, it’s not looking too great for her in the Dog Mother department due to her previous incidents.

Apparently the pair came in and played with their new dog in the garden of the sanctuary for a while before deciding he was the lucky pup to bolster some publicity for them.

Project director Shannon Keith said:

“The Duchess, when she called me, said she’s been supporting Beagle Freedom Project for years and completely supports our mission.

She specifically said the reason she wanted to adopt from us was to get the message out that it’s important to adopt from animal testing and that she supports ending animal testing.”

Yeah Shannon, and I’m Gandhi’s flip flop.

Let’s please not pretend that this is anything other than a calculated PR move considering we know she dumped one of her previous dogs off to chase royal dick across the pond.

Aaaaaand these arse-kissers can also stop calling her ‘Duchess’ now as well, considering:

a) She doesn’t behave like one.

b) She now lives in the USA where her British titles are not recognised, so please let’s cut the shit and simply call her Meghan.

But I digress.

Harry reportedly told the sanctuary that they were not looking for a puppy, but an ‘old dog’ instead.

All in all, I wish that poor little pup all the best and I hope they don’t drop this one down the stairs.

The Cambridges soak up the last of the summer

So things are a little quiet on the Cambridge front at the moment as they close out the summer holidays with the kids, so it’s not unusual for us to hear very little from them at this time of year.

And with all three Cambridge kids due to start at a new school next week, it’s definitely got to be back-to-school mode at home.

But just before then, it seems that the kids have been enjoying some time in Scotland with their mum and dad– taking in the gorgeous scenery, fishing and taking long walks in the fresh air:

Scotland is usually where the Queen spends the summer of course, holed up at Balmoral. I’m not sure she is there this year, perhaps opting to stay in Windsor as the travel might be too much for her now, but it seems the Cambridges are continuing her traditions at the very least.

But that wasn’t the only trip they took this summer, with William and Kate allegedly taking the kids for a break in the Isles of Scilly here in the UK for the third year running.

With its sandy beaches, blue skies and cute cottages, it’s easy to see why the family like going back there every year.

Wishing the Cambridge kids all the best in their new school next week!

Harry plays polo… again. And moans about security… again.

Harry must have the sorest arse in California for the amount of time he spends atop a horse whacking a ball around. Seriously, does he not have any other hobbies?

Yep, Harry was back fucking about on a pony last week when he went to Colorado for yet another “charity” polo match– because apparently his skills only extend to playing this particular sport and picking family-destroying wives.

He even took part in a minute’s silence:

There to play on behalf of charity Sentebale, Harry took to the pitch– but this time without the support of his camera ever-loving wife, who must have had the plague or something to not be in attendance, because we all know she can’t miss a photo op.

I do also have to add that something is very wrong when a dude looks happier away from his wife than with her. I mean, I’m not just seeing things, am I? I never see him crack this much of a smile anymore when Meghan is in tow.

I also get the feeling that he plays so much polo because it’s his last real ‘princely’ link to the UK and his old life. I mean honestly, what can an Eton-educated, croquet-playing, Moet-swilling Prince of the Realm really do in California? Sell food on the local beach?

In any case, him and Poison Ivy are making their way over to England next week, so I daresay we’ll be subjected to more photos of him eating, drinking, playing more polo and farting.

The good news though, at least for Her Maj, is that Dumb & Dumber won’t be visiting The Queen, according to the latest reports this weekend.

So busy will they be partying in Dusseldorf and spouting shit at summits in Manchester that they simply do not have the time to chuck a visit in the direction of the British monarch.

Citing ‘security reasons’ as the excuse for not visiting the 96-year-old Queen while here in the UK, which is really fucking weird considering I’m sure the Sovereign has adequate protection, Harry and Meghan are giving it a swerve– although I suspect it’s more likely they simply cannot be fucked.

It’s really quite clear that they’ve used ‘security reasons’ as an excuse to stick two fingers up at The Queen because she won’t pay for them to have any while they are in the UK.

Seriously, just how childish can you get?

I recall Harry offering to pay for security with his ‘own money’ (lol still ours mate), but the Home Office Committee rejected this as ‘personal protective security by the police is not available on a privately financed basis’.

Prince Harry argued that he inherited a risk to his safety at birth due to his royal status.

Listen mate, if you think we’re a bunch of yobs who are going to beat you up as soon as you step off your private jet, that’s all on you but can I make a better suggestion?

Honestly, neither of you are welcome anyway and we would personally rather invite Kim Jong-Un for dinner than see either of your faces.

Alrighty– well that’s it for now! I’m sure I’ll have plenty to report on next week when those two are here, so I’ll keep the laptop fired up and ready to go!

Before I do let you go though, there is one quick note from an ‘editorial’ point of view…

I have noticed my blog being discussed on many websites on the internet and while 99.9% of comments are favourable (thank you very much for the support, btw!), I’ve noticed some people getting a little twitchy over me making fun of the Cambridges in my posts too.

If it wasn’t clear already, I absolutely love the Cambridges and any teasing of them is entirely for a little lighthearted humour and because it would probably be boring to only take the piss out of the same two people all the time!

My photo captions of the Cambridges are not an accurate depiction of how I view them and I am only having a little fun– I promise! So please don’t worry and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog!

Until next time, have a great rest of the week, stay safe and we will catch up next week!