Royal round-up: 24th August

Well hello everyone– long time no speak!

Sorry for my absence; as mentioned in the other post I did recently, things have been a little crazy over the last 6 or so months and I just haven’t had the time to sit down and put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard).

My mum had another long stint in hospital (4 months), we all caught COVID and were on our arses for a bit and now I’m sat here hungover (it was my birthday yesterday) after struggling to regain access to my account for weeks after I was locked out.

But I figured it was about time to return as there is just so much to cover off– so let’s not waste any more time! I know some of this is super old but I promise I’ll keep it more current with the next one…!

The Queen’s Jubilee

“Yes, bow down bitches— it’s party time.”

Undoubtedly the biggest royal weekend of the year, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II celebrated 70 years on the throne on 2nd June. An amazing achievement, wonderful celebrations and above all… we got 4 days off in the UK to get rat-arsed with our mates.

“This one’s for Her Maj!”

Of course, there were many events across the long weekend that the Royal Family partook in to salute QE11– the first of which was….

Trooping the Colour

Normally taking place on a Sunday, this year it was held on Thursday 2nd June (on the day The Queen ascended the throne in 1952).

And what a show it was this year! We had the carriage procession of the Royal Family members, where we got to see the Cambridge kids partake for the first time ever.

“Ahh, aren’t they little darlings Camilla?”
“Christ Charlotte, how much longer do we have to wave for? My bloody arm’s about to come off.”
“Stop that ridiculous waving Louis, or I’ll make sure your bloody arm comes off too.”

Of course, Prince Louis was a total show-stealer as usual, much to the dismay of big sister Princess Charlotte– and a times, mother Catherine.

“I know I’m smiling, but if you don’t get your shit together in then next ten seconds, I’ll have you permanently removed from the line of succession.”

It seemed that the planes were a little loud for Louis’s liking, and he pulled his usual series of faces at the flypast:

“The fuck is that noise? Please tell me it’s not Uncle Harry and Aunty Meghan’s private plane landing!”

He also turned to The Queen a few times to ask… er… some aviation related questions? Maybe?

“Gan-gan, why aren’t I going to be king? Don’t you think I’d be much better than George!”
“Louis dear, if you look far off into the distance, you’ll see Windsor Castle and the last fuck I give flying over it. This is my weekend, so button it.”

And how could I forget… wafting in like a curry fart across the Atlantic, for some unknown fucking reason, Harry and Meghan decided to join the family at Buckingham Palace for the occasion.

“Now remember yah – don’t tell anyone we’re here, ok? We didn’t get an invite so I had to flash one of the kitchen staff to get in.”
“Oh fucking hell, I knew I heard that old trout in there somewhere.”

Can I just ask, does anyone here have a single bloody clue as to why they flew 11 hours to be shoved in a broom cupboard at BP and only really attend one real event across the span of 4 days at St. Paul’s?

“Well when the media said we swept into the U.K. Harry, this is not quite what I mind, yah.”

I mean, surely this was absolutely killing Meghan, who must have been frothing at the mouth to be stood on the BP balcony, only to likely be told at the last minute that she wouldn’t be parking her arse either there or in a royal carriage.

“It’s ok Meghan yah, maybe Granny will just let us hand out sandwiches or something?”

I also cannot imagine how unbelievably awkward it must have been behind those curtains at BP after the Sussexes came face to face with the RF after all of the chaos they have caused over the last two years. Quite frankly, they have some bloody nerve.

“Sling yer hook, ya pair of twats.” – Princess Anne

And later on in the day, despite Meghan apparently ‘fearing for her life’ in the UK previously, she decided it was a good time to wind down her bullet-proof windows in a crowded area, full of people who hate them both, while she took a little drive with Harry.

“Meghan— what are you doing, you could get your head blown off, yah.”
“At least I’d be front page news for the next six months.”

Well, nothing changes really, does it? The overwhelming desire to be in the limelight even trumps the fear of having a box of raw eggs hit her in the head, but each to their own I suppose.

And unfortunately, their UK appearances didn’t stop there….

St. Paul’s Service of Thanksgiving

Yep, they actually managed to squeeze their big coconut heads into an event in the end.

On the Friday 3rd June, there was a service of thanksgiving at St. Paul’s Cathedral, whereby Harry and Meghan were invited to attend.

“Beatrice, shove over, we’re sitting with you and Edo right?”
“Ah no, you’re over at the back by the bogs.”

Honestly, I cannot stress how hilarious it was that they were made to sit far away from the actual royal family, lumped in with the likes of odious former Prime Ministers and Ant and Dec or something.

The Queen was all like:

“You show up uninvited and want a seat with the rest of the family? You’re lucky I didn’t sit you on the roof.”

Seriously, once everyone was actually seated for the service, I could not for the life of me find Harry and Meghan in any of the photos. I know my eyesight isn’t all that, but they were seriously well hidden. Bet William and Kate were thrilled.

“Keep her at least fifty feet away from me at all times, William– or you can wave goodbye to sex until whichever jubilee comes up next.”

I’m also not entirely sure who Meghan was smiling and waving at outside? You’ve forced your way back into a country that you have no respect for, and one that has no respect for you, and you were expecting people to say… what exactly?

“Bloody hell Harry— it’s almost as if the British public don’t want to welcome you with open arms after you spend all their money on tacky clothes and housing renovations and then tell them to go fuck themselves.”

Also… did she faceplant a vat of paprika before leaving the house? What in the fuck was going on with her make up?

“Babes, I don’t mean to alarm you, but your face looks like a bag of cheetos exploded in it, yah?”
“It’s this new concealer– I think I’m mildly allergic to it. It wasn’t this colour when I put it on.”

I never get why she bothers dressing up like this either. Given the Kardashian-esque outfits she has been sporting in Cali, she looks like a toddler raiding her mother’s wardrobe and playing dress up. I won’t even ask about the gloves.

“And why are you wearing gloves?”
“I forgot to wash my hands after applying my fake tan. You know, the one I wear especially for when I visit the U.K. so I can call everyone a racist.”

Anyway, that’s quite enough of that. Thank God jubilee celebrations only roll around once a decade.

The Cambridges in Wales

And now a palette cleanser: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge paid a visit to Wales, where they had a special surprise in the form of George and Charlotte joining them.

“Oh, how nice of you to bring the kids!”
“Yah, well the nanny has COVID and my parents are in the Caribbean, so it was this or leaving them with Andrew.”

It was the first time the kids had joined them on an away day to Wales and the children had a great time interacting with everyone– with Princess Charlotte even getting to musically conduct at one point!

“Oh that’s hilarious– for a frightening second, I thought I was going to have to do some work.”

Prince Louis, however, was missing from the visit, perhaps remaining in London with other members of the family.

“Louis? Oh yah, he’s at home. He’ll be lucky to ever leave the house again after the debacle on the balcony the other day.”

But it looked like a great day out overall and the kids even got their own bouquets of flowers!

“Fucking hell Charlotte, I hope my bouquet looks better than that– yours look like they were left at the side of a road six months ago for the victims of a car accident.”
“Oh bloody hell, you can carry mine too– these were definitely bought cheap in a petrol station.”

The Jubilee pageant

And to close off the festivities was a rousing 3-hour concert outside of Buckingham Palace, much to the Cambridge kids’ delight.

“Alright kids, sit still and be quiet for the next four hours or there’ll be no more ‘HRH’ titles for you.”

Prince Louis was back and in fine form, clearly bored shitless and wondering why he was made to sit through such a lengthy performance at the age of 4.

“What do you think, darling? Isn’t it wonderful?”
“I think I’d rather be in bed before 5pm than listen to this shit a minute longer.”

Unable to sit still, he eventually wandered over to Grandpa Charles, giving Dad and (especially) Mum a much needed break.

“Christ almighty– Charles, take this will you? I need a quick ciggie.”
“Come here m’boy– let me tell you all about my plans for sustainable living once I’m King.”
“Oh fuck this– I’d rather sit with Boris Johnson.”

But it wasn’t long before Louis was back bothering Mum again, who was starting to look increasingly like she needed a stiff gin and tonic.

“Give mummy the Tanqueray, Louis– she needs it far more than you.”

To make matters worse, a restless Louis took to pulling faces again– this time at a weary Duchess of Cambridge, who looked, for a split second, as though she could cheerfully smack her youngest son upside the head– especially when he tried to clap her over the mouth.

“You are very lucky we’re on live TV and I don’t have my left slipper with me.”
“Shut it mummy — Craig David’s coming on and I can’t hear him over your whining.”

It seemed like Kate was rapidly running out of patience on more than one occasion…

“Well you can’t be that angry mummy – you’re smiling.”
“Louis dear— that’s as a result of the fifth of vodka and three Vicodin I’ve downed to stop me from strangling you.”

In all honesty, I felt for Kate a little. It must be so tough when your kids are being little shites in public and the whole world is watching you, so you need to remain composed.

I also felt sorry for Louis who is too young to be sitting through such a long show too– even his older and less restless siblings looked bored as hell.

“The Union Jack on a stick is excellent for digging dirt out of your nails — Gan Gan really thought of everything!”
“Char, is that aunty Meghan trying to climb over the side of the palace wall?”

But Louis eventually settled and all was fine in the end.

“Get the fuck off me before I boot your backside to Windsor.”

The Cambridges then took to the Buckingham Palace balcony once more to join the Queen, Charles and Camilla in a final appearance of the jubilee weekend.

All in all, a successful weekend– but I bet the kids were glad it was over with.

I’m keeping this one quite brief as I now want to do a back-to-back post on some slightly more current affairs in the royal stratosphere, so hold tight and I will issue a fresh new post shortly!

*As a side note, and I don’t want to have a moan, but please can I ask that if you are thinking about leaving me nasty messages in my inbox because I’m not posting fast enough for your liking, please consider the following:*

  1. I have a day job that I am actually paid to do and I work 50+ hours a week sometimes.
  2. I am currently caring for a parent at home after she spent 4 months in the ICU and she is currently my priority. It gets busy.
  3. Sending me such messages actually pushes me in the opposite direction and makes me not want to post at all.
  4. If you send me a rude message and then are offended when you get an equally rude one back telling you where to go, I don’t know what to tell you, other than: if you feel you can say whatever you like to me, I’ll extend the same courtesy back. I’m not a performing monkey, this is a hobby (that I’ve not had much time for recently) and please don’t ruin it for me.

Ok– rant over! And onto the next post… Stay tuned xx

10 responses to “Royal round-up: 24th August”

  1. Hysterically funny. Love reading your posts when you do them! Sorry things have been so rough – my empathy. What you have been going through would be very tough for anyone. Cyber hugs!

    1. Thank you very much lovely – I appreciate that ❤️

  2. Happy Belated Birthday Saffy! Love your posts! Please don’t be discouraged by idiots!

    1. Thank you my love! ❤️

  3. Great post, I thoroughly enjoyed it and managed to splutter coffee all over my keyboard. Lovely to see you back and hope things start looking up. Happy Birthday and thanks for the time you spend for our enjoyment.

    1. Thank you so much darling! xx

  4. “Louis dear, if you look far off into the distance, you’ll see Windsor Castle and the last fuck I give flying over it. This is my weekend, so button it.” … It’s been a hot minute beautiful girl but, just like that, our talented soul is back … oh and a belated happy birthday to you too. 🥂🕊💟

    1. Thank you my darling lady!!! I’m so happy to hear from you as always! Thank you so much for the lovely wishes and comments as always – how are you? Hope you’re good! Again— so lovely to speak to you!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  5. Hi from New Zealand!

    Thanks for the laughs!
    Your captions were Particularly clever!
    I couldn’t stop laughing!

    Anything with Louis is going to be a Wonderful Riot, in the nicest way. It wouldn’t surprise me if in the future he says I want to climb Mount Everest and forgo university.

    You should never have to apologise for A life Beyond the Keyboard.
    Best wishes to you in this busy time and best wishes for your beloved parent.

    1. Thank you so very much for your super sweet comment! So glad you’re enjoying the blog 🙂 again– very lovely of you to write! xx

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