Royal round-up: 25th October

Well hello, hello all and happy Monday– if ever there was one. Hope you’re all having a good week so far!

I can’t believe how much has happened in the last few weeks so of course, I had to abandon work halfway through the day and make sure I ripped through the current events in royal world.

So without further ado…

Harry and Meghan in New York

Good God– where do I begin with this one?

So on a trip no one invited them to take, to speak about things no one cares for their opinion on, Harry and Meg touched down in Manhattan sometime in early October, clearly trying to mirror image a real royal tour.

Didn’t take madam long to sniff out the cameras, did it

Complete with a very large (and unnecessary) security detail, and full Kim Kardashian outfit donned on Meghan’s part, the pair headed for the World Trade Center– just about remembering they needed to wear masks on the way in.

“Do we really still have to wear this shit? How are people going to know it’s me in the photos?”

I can’t say I understand what they were actually doing there apart from getting together with Bill De Blasio to discuss… well, something or other. It seems my level of understanding of this visit was about as low as Harry and Meghan’s when it came to COVID security protocol.

For some unknown reason, they wore masks to get into the building… didn’t wear them to stand and chat about 10 inches from De Blasio’s face… then tried to put them back on to walk six feet to the photo op spot… and then removed them again for the photo.

Now, I’m not gonna get political where masks are concerned– wear one or don’t– but that’s exactly the point I’m making.

Wear one or don’t. This half-in, half-out shit is pointless and irritating.

But I’m not as irritated as Meghan looks in this photo with Kathy Hochul — not sure what poor old Kath did to receive that look

But anyway, during the photocall, Meghan told them it was “great to be back”…. Now, I’m not sure what she was meant to be back from or to:

The city itself? Her SoHo House days are firmly behind her but I’m sure she still has those wistful moments.

“God, it’s just so great to be back amongst rich, powerful men— oh, and my husband.”

Back from… that maternity leave she promised us she was going on, but never took?

Whatever. Anyway, onto the next charitable stop: the hotel bar.

Yes, after a long day of taking in the sights from the One World Trade Center, Harry and Meghan were in desperate need of refreshment and decided to pound the hotel bar with some of their good ‘friends’.

Meghan surveys the menu carefully to see what she can throw a fit over. The wrong size kale, perhaps?
But then instead, clasps her hands in front of her after a few too many rums and decides to treat her table of guests to her presidential acceptance speech for 2024. Clearly this made for riveting listening, as even her husband looks like he’d rather drown in his drink than listen to any more.

After knocking back some Long Island Ice Teas, and likely waking up with a rager of a hangover, it was off to the UN to spew more word salad in people’s faces and hope that they sounded intelligent.

“Are you deaf? We already discussed this. This is my political campaign– walk three steps behind me like your grandad did with your grandmother.”

I must say, the most notable thing for me about this entire trip is the fact that Meghan appears to rather rapidly abandoning the faux adoring glances at Harry and the incessant hand holding.

I mean, sure– they still held hands, it’s Harry and Meghan after all– but Meghan has now adopted the ‘striding far ahead’ stance.

Well… Harry’s days are fucking numbered

Now that the two kids have arrived, I don’t think she really needs to keep up the pretence of the ‘adoring’ wife as much as she does the ‘Out for World Domination’ stance.

But anyway, back to the actual visit and once inside the UN, Meghan took centre stage to resume hearing the sound of her own voice, while Harry assumed his position in his new role as Meghan’s PA, bringing her coffee and shuffling his papers.

I’m so annoyed I can’t find it now, but someone had a photo of this meeting where by the end, Meghan had taken up the entire head of the table and Harry was so far back sorting papers, he may as well have been in Alabama

The bit that got me the most was this tweet from the Deputy-Secretary General of the UN, Amina Mohammed, whom they met while there and apparently had just the most wonderful discussions on so many key issues that are so dear to Darling Meghan’s heart:

The others are also laughable, but… Climate action???!

Harry and Meghan literally flew there and back on this visit on a private jet— how can they possibly care about climate change? The hypocrisy is just out-of-this-world astounding.

And not just this trip– every trip. This lady actually sat down and had a discussion about repairing the planet with two hypocrites who would fly to the corner shop in a private jet if they could.

“Harry, we’re out of milk yah, I’m just popping to the offie.”

I heard somewhere that Harry does this to ‘ensure his family’s safety’, to which I have to say:

A) Do you really think anybody is carrying a weapon aboard a commercial airliner as though we don’t go through security scanners before getting on the plane?

Don’t mind me – just gonna pop this in my carry on

B) Your brother and sister-in-law have no trouble getting on a regular plane with three young children and they’re the future bloody King and Queen.

“Just get an American Airlines flight bruv, it’s not that hard.”

C) Do you actually think anyone is that interested in the two of you? I don’t know about you, but I barely look at other passengers on an aircraft unless they’ve launched their seat too far back in my face before the plane has even taxied for take-off, or their kid is screaming bloody murder somewhere in the cabin.

“Shut the fuck up and stop blocking my view of the dinner trolley.”

and finally, D) if you think that the general public’s first reaction would be to attack you (and it really wouldn’t be– we’re worried we’d catch something) are you then admitting to knowing you and your wife are two of the most irritating people on the planet? Sounds like you’ve seen a mirror and know people can’t stand you or you wouldn’t be so pressed.

Yeah, you both know you’re a pain in the arse

On a side note, I personally don’t get why anyone would favour a private jet; they’re small, blow about easily in turbulence and have a crash record like no other. I’m not the biggest fan of flying, but I do it quite a lot and would rather be on a British Airways plane any day– even if I am swilling wine and saying my Hail Marys if there is even the slightest bit of turbulence.

But anyway– before the Hippy Harkles boarded their private plane back to Cali, they had a couple more stops– the next of which being a school in Harlem, where they met with some of the local children.

Who exuded about as much as excitement as any of us would getting a colonoscopy.

Firstly, this is allegedly a school where 94% of the student are on free school meals, which would indicate that their families do not have a lot of money. But never one to miss an opportunity to show that she does have it, Meghan very kindly donned a $5,500 outfit and her most expensive jewellery– because that is exactly what children who can’t afford food want to see.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse than that £100k maternity dress in Morocco…

Perhaps they were doing a good deed though; Meghan was clearly in her Christmas finest as Santa Claus– ready to drop off some Christmas presents two months early.

“So there are some stuffed toys in this sack, a doll’s house in one of the other ones and if I’m not mistaken, there’s some Xanax kicking about too that I stole off our nanny. Just to make this more bearable for us all.”

Or…. perhaps not. It appears the actual gift was Meghan’s reading of her book The Bench– something that was written for 5 year olds, when these children are… not 5. I mean seriously, did this woman actually read ‘a book’ with 4 lines a page to kids who are perfectly capable of reading through Harry Potter books by now?

“And then the little girl grew up, married the prince, spent all the taxpayers’ money and fucked off back to America where they lived happily ever after… until the messy divorce. The end!”
“So what do you think, yah? It took her a full two hours to write the book.”
“This is some whack ass shit.”

Honestly, this reminded me of Friends when Joey hadn’t bought Rachel’s daughter Emma a present, so he read one of her books to her instead.

–Although I don’t think that’s a sentence Meghan has ever uttered to anyone.

Worse still, Harry was actually wearing a wire on the visit, which led to speculation the two were filming for whatever deal they had signed with Netflix.

That, or this is the lead Meghan pulls on when she wants to get him to stop talking.

And so keen to protect this wire was Harry, that he physically threw a child away from him who wanted a hug as they were leaving.

“Get the fuck off me, yah— Meghan will be cross if you destroy the footage of us trying to look like good people.”

Firstly Harry mate, don’t throw kids around, especially ones that aren’t yours. Secondly, what are you doing hugging kids in a pandemic? I’m sure their grandparents wouldn’t appreciate a side dose of COVID at the weekend.

But once they finally left the poor kids alone, it was time for the Vax Live event where they could get back to what they loved most — standing on a stage and having everyone listen to them talk. Let’s face it, this was really the only reason that they were here.

Although both their expressions here look like they’ve just had enemas backstage.

As per, I obviously didn’t bother listening to what they had to say, as it’s beyond painful mostly and predictable as ever — the hand holding, looking for the cameras and trying hard to pass off someone else’s words as their own.

“And while neither of us have actually been vaccinated ourselves— hence the trip over on the private jet to skip past border control— we urge you to do so. Many of our friends have been and they said it’s just a small prick.”
“I think they were calling you that babe.”

And the good news is that the ratings were apparently crap and I’m not surprised; most people who want to be vaccinated by now have been and while I understand the importance of handing it out to less wealthy countries, I have absolutely no clue what Harry and Meghan have to do with this, apart from jumping on yet another bandwagon.

The good news for New Yorkers is that the visit eventually came to an end and they both fucked off home on their little private plane, thus concluding their first and only piece of ‘work’ for 2021.

“Thanks sooo much for blazing that carbon footprint with us yah babe, couldn’t have done it without you!”

James Bond and Northern Ireland

And now for a brief palate cleanser…

Late last month, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, along with The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall, attended the world premiere in London of the latest Bond film, No Time To Die.

Firstly, I couldn’t really give a shit about Bond– I think I watched Spectre once and fell asleep during it– but we all know there were more important things to talk about that night, namely…


I mean, really… she could’ve been seen from outer space, in the best way possible.

Her and William were rocking one of the most glamorous looks I’ve ever seen them wear. I mean how much of a goddess does she look?!

“Thanks – I know I look incredible, yah. It only took a team of stylists, a hairdresser, two make up artists and three palace courtiers and a bottle of vodka to anchor me into the dress.”

And Charles and Camilla were looking pretty amazing too.

“Wills, I love you dearly, but if you step on my dress again, there’ll be one less person in line for the throne”

I can’t even imagine the nerves that come with attending something like this when you know that even if you’re not in the film, literally every last person is looking at you.

Catherine just swans in looking like a Goddess– I’ve had fallen flat on my arse ten seconds after getting out of the car.

“You’ll also get off my dress too if you want to keep your job.”

And it looks like William also had trouble keeping his eyes off his wife as well….

Alright Wills — save it for later

It was also a good chance for the royals to meet members of the cast, including Bond himself, Mr. Daniel Craig, for what is his last film as the titular character. He was even cheeky enough to tell Kate that she looked ‘jolly lovely’.

“That dress looks smashing on you!”
“Say that again to my wife and the only thing that will look smashing on you is my grandmother’s fine china over your head.”

But after this glitzy night out came a flight to Northern Ireland the next morning for the Cambridges, where they threw themselves into a day full of engagements.

“That second bottle of Bollinger last night was a big bloody mistake, wasn’t it?”

The aim was to meet with youngsters to find out how they had handled the pandemic, kicking this off at Ulster University’s Magee Campus, where they met in person some of the nursing students they spoke to digitally earlier this year.

“Any chance you could fling that dummy off so I can have a quick lie down? Cath and I overdid it a bit after the Bond premiere last night.”

And for some (horrific) reason, their first stop was handling dangerous creatures.

“Small and dangerous… is it—“

And William had a touching reunion with his brother:

“I think this one might be less venomous though.”

As part of their trip, they also saw a new simulated ambulance that has been built to train Paramedic Science students, with some Year 3 nurses.

They also popped in to the student union where they got to eat, listen to some Irish music and, you guessed it, have a pint of Guinness.

“Oh fucking hell, it’s a bit early yah chaps, and Kate and I aren’t feeling too sharp. What do you say, babe? Quick hair of the dog?”
“Fine, but this is only going to go one of two ways and if I shit my pants, I won’t be held accountable.”

They were also able to take part in some sports with some students, but I’m not sure if this came before or after the drinking…

“Steady on babe — you nearly knocked my block off!”
“Sorry, I was picturing Meghan’s head and got a bit over excited.”

All in all, a good visit back to N. Ireland for the Cambridges and I’m sure they’ll be making their way back soon.

“Was this distilled in a toilet or did I smoke one too many fags last night, lads?”

Meghan’s Letter to Congress

Ok — palate cleanser over I’m afraid

So last week, while we were all busy reading news of The Queen being made to rest up for a few days on medical advice and miss her own visit to Northern Ireland, Meghan snuck in through the back door with her own headline-stealer (sort of), by releasing a letter she had written to Congress.

Just enclosing in case you have trouble sleeping this week

Firstly, didn’t US Congress tell her to back off last year in their own letter before the 2020 elections?

Well, that looks more like a ‘fuck off’ and less like a “come to dinner at the White House”, to me.

The letter warned her and Harry not to meddle in US political affairs while carrying a British Royal title and even urged the Queen to strip them of their titles, but instead of actually taking heed of this advice, Meghan… wrote to them again.

This time, it was about paid leave for parents– something I hear is already being passed through Congress so Meghan is a little late to the party with this one (maybe she was taking a long nap or something)– but not one to miss a bandwagon to fling her arse on, she penned a letter anyway.

“Well, better late than never! Tomorrow, I’m gonna write to them about the Ebola crisis.”

I have to be honest, if I hadn’t read in an article what cause the letter was specifically targeting, I wouldn’t have been able to tell: the entire thing, as per, was littered with “I… me… when I… I think… I feel”.

Rather than just speaking about the benefit for American families, she has taken this opportunity to give her entire fucking life story from the time she was born to present day, as though this really has any relevance to what she is asking.

She starts off with some bullshit about only being able to afford cucumber salad on occasion as a kid or something, and that even that was a treat– even though this has since been debunked when someone this week dug up a segment of her old blog where she mentioned that mummy used to put sushi in her lunchbox.

So sushi and Japanese restaurants in Santa Monica? Hardly below the poverty line, love.

She actually expected everyone to believe this pile of shite about her being on the breadline despite the fact her dad had a fairly big job in Hollywood, sent her to a private school and you know, won the lottery at some point.

She then goes on to talk about how she worked for minimum wage at 13 in a diner or something (yeah– you and half of America, babe) and that as she got older, she struggled to pay for rent and petrol for her car.

“It was real tough, yah— daddy only had $10million in the bank — how was he ever supposed to support me?”

But from there, she launches into the crescendo of her ‘rags to riches’ story (because this letter is entirely about her own fortune) and tells us all about how lucky she is now that she no longer has to worry about her job or where her next penny is coming from.

Not until Netflix and Spotify drop both your arses anyway

Yes, lucky lucky Meghan married the prince, got the title, hurriedly forced out the two kids for future alimony purposes and is now living the high life poor Americans can only dream of.

“I mean yeah it was rough for a long time after daddy won the lottery, but then I went after some rich producers, had a friend set me up with a prince and now I don’t have to even think twice about the price tag on anything. I urge you to be and do the same.”

Really, this letter was just another opportunity for her to brag about her life and fortune, disguised under themes such as “I’m fortunate enough to….” and “I’m so lucky I don’t have to…”

As she gushes about her highly privileged life, it appears she has left the ‘millions of American families’ she mentions in her letter pretty far behind in the dust. The central focus is barely on them and I lost sight of what she was trying to say about three lines in.

She then has the audacity to say she was ‘overwhelmed’ when the second kid arrived…. Overwhelmed.

Why, did the nanny sleep in late or something?

And coming out with tripe such as “…we weren’t confronted with the harsh reality of either spending those first few critical months with our baby or going back to work.” Yeah, that’s pretty easy when you don’t actually have a job, love.

Well… this one must have gone down like a fart in a wetsuit with struggling families across the US when they had to sit there and read that two members of the royal family with three nannies, a Santa Barbara mansion and millions in the bank were having a tough time.

“It’s hard, you know. Some nights I only get nine hours sleep and three hours a day to sun myself by the pool.”

Instead of lobbying for paid leave, why doesn’t she sell all the ridiculously ugly and expensive clothes she has amassed over the last 4 years (especially that red abomination she wore in Harlem) and donate it to help with a worthwhile cause such as this one? Because one common theme I’ve noticed with Harry and Meghan is, it’s rarely them putting their hands in their pockets, and more them telling everyone else to spend their own money to back their causes.

“And we’re not not donating because we don’t have the money— it’s just that our fans will shell out cash for just about anything if you put our names to it, so why get a dog and bark yourself?”

Anyway, she eventually brings Meghan’s Chronicles to a close, throwing a cursory mention to her children and husband at the end:

Probably in the order of preference – Harry, note you’re last.

I also love that she still signs off as “The Duchess of Sussex” — we know she can’t help using that British title as much as possible, even though she hates just about anything associated with the United Kingdom.

I’m not too sure what the reaction is from Congress for this one, but if I know anything about Nancy Pelosi, it’s likely to be this:

The Earthshot Prize and Catherine’s Action on Addiction

Well last Sunday, to conclude a five-part series on The Duke of Cambridge’s Earth Shot Prize, we were treated to the televised glitzy ceremony to mark the occasion and all of Prince William’s hard work.

“How long do we have to stand here, Wills? It’s fucking freezing and that open bar won’t drink itself.”

The dress code was to ‘re-wear’ something you already own, so The Duchess of Cambridge donned her lilac dress she first wore in Los Angeles ten years ago on the Cambridges’ royal tour of the USA and Canada, their first as a married couple.

And she looks better in it than she did a decade ago – something tells me the plates were meeting the walls in Montecito

There were many celebrities in attendance, including Emma Thompson, wearing her honour that Prince William gave her:

And Emma Watson, wearing…. her mum’s net curtains, perhaps?

The fuck

Ugly outfits aside, and my God were there many, the evening was a huge success– despite some Sussex Squad losers on Twitter clutching at straws and trying to claim otherwise because Harry and Meghan didn’t come up with it.

We even had the award for Costa Rica being presented to them by The Duchess of Cambridge, who delivered a confident speech highlighting the importance of nature and preserving the planet.

“Shit, was it Costa Rica or Colombia? Hopefully people will be too smashed to notice.”

And last Wednesday, following a great evening, Kensington Palace released some lovely ‘behind the scenes’ photos from Earthshot of William and Catherine– which I personally think was fitting, as 20th October marked 11 years to the day that William and Kate became engaged on a holiday to Kenya.

“Right babes – that’s duty done and dusted. Time for the bar?”

And even some lovely photos of some PDA between them:

“Hun, I thought you said the bar was free — they just charged me £13 for a gin and tonic?”

And two days later, it was back to the day job as Kate took to the stage as key note speaker for Action on Addiction.

“Sorry we’re late, guys — we stopped off for a quick Maccy’s D on the way.”

The Duchess has been patron for the charity since 2012 and has paid visit a number of times over the years.

And this time, she was not alone…

“I’m not here to swallow kangaroo balls, in case you were going to ask.”

But Ant and Dec, showing support for our future Queen Consort, sat behind her as she delivered her key note speech to those in attendance — listening intently to every word.

“Ant, fancy a Wagamama’s for lunch when she stops talking?”

Support, of which, I don’t think Kate was too happy to have had in the end…

“You could’ve at least looked like you were listening — we have to put up with your shit jokes during ‘I’m A Celeb every year, after all.”

Well that’s about all I can muster for now; it seems the Cambridges have jetted off on holiday to another European destination as the kids are on half term break here at the moment. Hope they catch some last minute sun somewhere!

Until next time… ❤️

10 responses to “Royal round-up: 25th October”

  1. Another fabulous review from you! You brightened up my entire day with it:) Love that you take the time and do this outstanding stuff! Makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. And you give praise where it is due as well, to W&K!

  2. Lovely to have your pithy and witty commentary on the most annoying Harkles!

    After Catherine’s appearance at the Bond premiere I doubt that any crockery is to be had in Montecito

  3. Another blog worth the wait for! Good onya lovely lady. Shared to Tumblr (as usual 😉) Have a wonderful week.

  4. Enjoyed this immensely as well as your last one. Megs letter was atrocious and I really think the tide has turned in the US – what shallow pair they are. Harry the lap dog and Megs the self-important prima donna. But you are a delight to read, so keep it coming when you have time!

  5. Enjoyed this immensely as well as your last one. Megs letter was atrocious and I really think more people are seeing them as we see them. Meg is such a fake and a narcissist. Love Prince William and Duchess Catherine! Thank you for writing about them. They are a ray of sunshine. You are a delight to read, so keep it coming when you have time!

  6. Gosh, that was a long read but well worth sticking with, so much detail in it, it must take you hours and hours to put it together. I think my head would have exploded half through and I would have given up!!

    I love the photos and the sarcasm, as ever (no pun intended), it’s nice to have the photos all in one place to go back to look at, some of them I hadn’t seen before. I bet Markle was spitting feathers when she saw that gold dress, and Catherine happily chatting to and laughing with Mr James Bond on the red carpet.

    Your humour never lets us down, it’s always such a good read and we look forward to any new ones you have time to do to keep us all entertained. Thanks for all your hard work.

  7. Hilarious as always darling…..thank you so much for the laughs!

  8. How wonderful to find this in my inbox this morning! If you want a bit more on the non royal pair in NYC here is a link to one of the parents at the school – and she is NOT happy!!
    Did you hear the school (no douby pushed by Megrain) asked families for a $5 “Donation to a charity” (each child had been given a “BENCH” book) & yes, guess the charity? It was Archeweeel – to no doubt help fund the costs of that awful book!
    Lovely to see you!

  9. So glad we didn’t have to wait too long for this latest post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. So very amusing and insightful. Thank you.

  10. I love this! It makes me laugh! Thankyou so much!!

    Sent from my iPhone

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