Royal round up: 21st April

Happy Tuesday all!

Hope you’re all staying well and sane in lockdown, wherever you may be in the world. For those of us in quarantine with others, I’m sure you’ll all share my views that by now, you are probably ready to do 25 to life just to batter a family member who exhaled with a little too much gusto.

But hang in there, guys; hopefully this will all be over soon and we can all go back to (semi) normal life; apart from those of you who have killed somebody– you’re going straight to prison, which is basically like quarantine all over again, just with a little less freedom and a higher risk of dying.

So onto the blog, and there have been a few rather entertaining bits and pieces this last week, so let’s have a little round-up….

The Archewell Foundation

This came out before my last blog post, but I had enough material and though I’d delay commenting on this.

So apparently, Harry and Meghan set up a “charity foundation” under the name Archewell, which was, interestingly enough, actually set up in October 2018, just a few days before Meghan announced she was ‘up the spout’.

According to Team Sussex, the word “archewell” means strength or leader or some shit in Greek (sorry, I really didn’t care to find out) and apparently has nothing to do with their son Archie.

However— the gruesome twosome have hit a stumbling block; it appears the name is already taken on Instagram:

Lol that’s you fucked, Meg

There are actually a number of “Archewell” pages set up on insta—some already existed and some were set up by fans in the wake of the news that the “foundation” had been set up. Because what better way to show support for your “idols” then by nicking the domain they were hoping to use.

Either way, fans or not, we all know how Meghan feels about copyrights and I don’t believe she will be too thrilled to hear that the name has already been taken.

Meghan addresses Sussex stans

But perhaps, even more nauseating, was Sussex fans taking the “initiative” to organise something called “Archie” day, where they have pretended it is something charitable, when in actual fact, it appears to be more some kind of ruse for attention and money for the Sussexes.

Honestly, I think I’ve just vomited in my mouth a bit

First of all— who is stupid enough to donate to a “cause” when they don’t even know where the money is going? Like I’m gonna give you my hard earned cash— you could be spending it on fucking ASOS for all I know.

“Vulnerable children my ass.”

I mean really— assuming this wasn’t arranged by Meghan herself— they are literally just fans with no registered organisation. Who is this money going to? It’s like when people set up a Go Fund Me for their hamster’s £1000 surgery:

“Snuffles has broken his back leg for the third time and it’s going to be £4,000 to get him a prosthetic!”

Secondly, these people have way too much fucking time on their hands. I’m a huge fan of the Cambridges, but I’m not about to start panhandling as a way of “support” for them.

I mean, setting up a donation collection to help impoverished children, in the name of one of the most privileged children on the planet, is so absurd it’s laughable.

Dude, seriously— take care of yourselves first

I’m dropping the jokes for one second, but in all honesty, if you’re a Sussex fan reading this and planning on parting with your money, I’d give it some thought first.

Who is asking for this money? Are they a legitimate, registered source? What charity are they planning to pass this money onto? How much information have they given on where these funds are going? Don’t be stupid. You could be paying for some Sussex stan’s fucking rent, for all you know.

And lastly, in conclusion, this whole poster is a load of shit.

“…to promote those principles we hold dear: community, kindness and compassion.”

Kindness and compassion? Aren’t these the same people who attack others for no reason on twitter and Instagram, bust out the race card almost hourly and wish death on the Cambridges?

Sussex fans do not know the meaning of those three words (largely as most of them are illiterate), but I’d be so embarrassed to have these people as my “fans”.

Please— I’ll tell you exactly what you can do with that little poster.

Harry and Meghan deliver food in LA

Bloody hell— just when we thought we’d seen the last of them.

There was… just so much wrong with these stories that I am struggling to put my thoughts in order.

Firstly— let’s start with the fact that they probably shouldn’t be out at all, given the fact they have a baby at home and are essentially putting his life at risk by visiting a tonne of people’s homes to deliver food.

I mean, endangering your 11-month-old son, solely because you want to be photographed is a little low.

“It’s ok Harry— try to pretend you’re not super excited to see the cameras.”

“Just get the fuck off my hand Meghan yah, I don’t know what you might have caught.”

Secondly— if you’re going to be delivering food to the vulnerable, you might want to make sure you’re wearing the appropriate PPE— and also making sure it is on CORRECTLY.

No gloves and only a bandana around his face? Is Harry delivering food or joining the Mexican drug cartel?

Harry, mate: I know you’re new to using your brains, but as you’re still failing miserably, here’s some advice: wear gloves at ALL times, only taking them off to change pairs between deliveries to ensure you’re not spreading infection between households.

And for fuck’s sake, if you’re not going to wear a mask, PULL YOUR LITTLE SCARF UP OVER YOUR NOSE.

And maybe lose the “I’m-on-day-release-with-my-carer” stance.

As for Meghan, if you’re going to wear gloves, you might want to make sure you have BOTH hands covered. What the hell is the point in only wearing one?

Who does she think she is— Michael Jackson?

I strongly suspect she left one glove off to make sure her engagement and wedding bands were in shot— like we could possibly forget who she married, especially since we’ve been forced to endure the shitshow for the last two years, as well as pay for it.

But another bit of advice for Meghan— gloves protect YOU. They don’t protect others around you. So might be an idea NOT to touch your husband’s back and clothing with a glove that now likely has germs sitting on it’s fingertips.

Either that, or she has just taken out life insurance on him and is in fact hoping he’ll contract COVID-19 and die.

If you work for the charity that has allowed these two walking infections to deliver food to the homes of the vulnerable, please take them off the job immediately: they have no knowledge of basic common sense or hygiene and will likely end up killing somebody if they’re not careful. I mean, we speak about cleanliness, but Harry appears to have been wearing the same shirt for two days running?

“Yeah alright, fuck off yah— we’ve come off the royal payroll and a washing machine just isn’t high priority right now, what with Archie needing a new Givenchy changing bag.”

Any in any case, who wants to look over the security cam and see these two standing outside their home?

No, that’s quite alright chaps— the bogs have already been cleaned today. Off you pop!

Honestly, to all other LA based charities, if these two come to you and offer to “help”, please tell them where to go; I highly doubt they give a rat’s arse about helping the vulnerable— more PR and damage control at a weak attempt to repair their reputation.

You can bet this is the first and last “charitable” act they’ll undertake in LA before they go hammer and tongs on trying to make their own money.

“Excuse me sir— where did you want us to leave the quail’s eggs and caviar?”
“Oh fuck it Meghan, I’ll just pop it in the bin yah— it’s been a long day and one is gasping for a gin and tonic. I mean— kale juice.”

Harry and Meghan at Balmoral

So a story broke sometime last week that The Queen allegedly invited Haz-been and Media-Meg to Balmoral this summer, along with Archie, in a bid to “bond” with them. Or maybe to ask them just what the fuck they’re doing in LA when they said they were moving to Canada.

“I thought you said you was goin’ to Vancouver bisssssh, what’s this Cali bullshit?!” – Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Whether this is true or not, I don’t know — I can’t really see the Queen busting her arse to host those two losers in her castle when they’ve essentially told her where she can stick their jobs and royal responsibilities, but maybe that’s just me.

And isn’t this the third year running now where they’ve apparently “accepted an invite but been unable to attend”? And what better excuse to ditch Scotland this year than a pandemic?

Last year, I think it was because they felt Archie was too small to travel to Scotland, but he was apparently able to jet about to Nice and Ibiza.

The Sussexes board their private jet

And the year before, it was some other shit or another.

In any case, now that Meghan has made her glamorous return to Hollywood (lol), I can’t really see her wanting to head to Scotland to sit indoors with an OAP (no offence ma’am) and play scrabble.

“Bitch, Markle IS a word in the oxford dictionary!”

No way; I also fully suspect Meghan and Harry will probably be separated by next summer anyway, once Meghan realises Harry doesn’t quite have the same allure when he’s not playing dress up in his princely suit and carrying out duties on behalf of the crown.

“Without the uniform and undeserved medals, I really am nothing more than just a big, ginger hypocrite now, yah.”

I’m sure Meghan avoiding balmoral will work nicely for her, because it means she doesn’t need an excuse as to why she can’t sit on her backside in a castle and be tended to by servants. What a hard life she leads.

There are other items that have come up this week and I will round these up on Sunday — in other news, it’s Prince Louis’s 2nd birthday on Thursday (where I expect we’ll have some new photos of the little one likely tomorrow) and of course, today is Her Majesty The Queen’s 94th birthday.

Happy birthday ma’am and a happy and safe rest of the week to you all! 💋

16 responses to “Royal round up: 21st April”

  1. “Harry, mate: I know you’re new to using your brains”–I’m dying laughing! Great post! Thanks for the laughs.

    1. Elizabeth Howatt avatar
      Elizabeth Howatt

      Thanks Saffy. I always look forward to snarky roundups. You’re a national treasure so stay safe.

  2. Happy Birthday to HM Queen Elizabeth II!! Sooo….how long before Ms. Legend in Her Own Mind puts out photos of her “altruism” to try (and fail) to compete with a TRUE lady and a sweet/cheeky little Prince?

  3. Rita Hawthorne avatar
    Rita Hawthorne

    I would think the charity organizing this would take a major hit to their reputation since others complained they were told they were not accepting volunteers for a long time now but yet these two were able to. And, there is no way they were following proper health guidelines to keep from contaminating people. How much do you think the security costs were for these two photo ops plus the one with the dog? Charles paid the security bills for this? They should have stayed their asses home and wrote a check.

  4. Excellent, as always!!

  5. I’m so happy you are back, and really, really sad you didn’t touch any of the domain redirects some evil, genius set up!!

  6. Yet another great post, thank you.

  7. Ahahahaha, her one gloved hand wiping all over Harry’s back! Priceless commentary. 😀

    1. I’ve heard that described as a “Trump power pat”, a subtle (or maybe not to subtle) way to let someone know who is really in charge.

  8. Thanks for another great laugh. The quails’ eggs comment 😂😂😂
    These two need some kind of surgery.

  9. My first comment but I’m a huge fan of the blog. Been checking in for days for a new post! Thank you – I’m secretly hoping there are more screw ups just to help us all through Lockdown, which frankly, is beginning to drag. Still, we’ve got the court case to come. That should be fun!

  10. Thanks for the laugh..another great post

  11. Great article! You always give me a much needed laugh! I can’t wait until Sunday and, hopefully, you’re take on the alleged video chat with the Queen. Enjoy the rest of your week

  12. Thanks Saffy! Your blog is hilarious! Great job! I’m surprised some big magazine or show didn’t offer you a job yet. I’m still rolling on the floor laughing at that comment you made about Archie being wedgied unconscious in an earlier blog. You are so funny!
    I think it’s so disgusting that Meg calls Harry “h”. Definitely his mother would hate it after giving him so many nice names, don’t you think? Nobody I know would like to be called like that. Just a letter.

  13. Late getting to this episode of the descent of Harry and Meghan but really they already look shabby. I realize they have no Royal duties but if you are going to deliver food to total strangers you might want to ditch the baseball caps and wear a shirt tucked into a pair of slacks.

  14. First time commenting.Have been reading awhile.Love,love,love your blog.I laugh at every post.Lol at going Mexican drug cartel.

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