CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday ladies and gents!

My biggest apologies for the lack of post last week – I’ve had a crazy week or so at work, whereby my colleagues think I’m an Indian God with ten arms and can do twenty things at once.

But determined to forget all that shite for a few minutes, let’s take some time to reflect on all the biggest royal events from the last two weeks!

Kate’s a sport

So well over a week ago now, The Duchess of Cambridge attended a special event at the London Stadium, where she showed off her sporty side alongside Jessica Ennis-Hill.

The event was designed for Catherine to meet young athletes who are at the beginning of their careers, along with their parents and guardians.

Catherine, who is known to be quite competitive, also had the opportunity to race Ennis-Hill down the track at Queen Elizabeth park.

During this event, Catherine also got a chance to partake in a little self defence class – where she learned some new moves, should she happen to need these at any point in the near future…

Kate, who has always been into sports, really got into the swing of things at the engagement organised by Sports Aid, of which she is patron.

All in all, a successful visit, where the Duchess learned a lot from the young sporting professionals she met.

Meghan and Harry return to the U.K.

Yes, unfortunately, The Dumb and Dumber of Suspect graced us all with their presence this week as they arrived back in the UK for their “farewell tour”, further subjecting us to more fake grins and nauseating hand holding.

First stop for Harry and Meghan was the Goring Hotel in Belgravia, where prices for a suite can top £8,000 per night. So glad to see they’re spending our money wisely.

Why these two self-entitled prats are paying thousands and thousands to stay at one of London’s swankiest hotels, I don’t know. They made us foot the bill for all of Frogmore’s renovations and now they can’t even be bothered to sleep in there for a few nights?

And then, determined to stay relevant, the gruesome twosome headed out for their “final” of engagements– starting with an appearance at the annual Endeavour Awards.

What the point was of this visit, I don’t know; as usual, Meghan hung off Harry like he was some sort of life raft and their central focus of this event wasn’t actually clear. They came in, farted about for a bit and then left. But not before Meghan left a nice message for her adoptive nation..

Of course, this must have been a difficult visit, what with Meghan and Harry expressing how badly they’ve suffered with PTSD from being in front of the cameras. Meghan was clearly having a tough time:

And of course, no Sussex Shitshow is complete without Meghan polishing her acting skills when pretending she gives a toss. And so, when a military veteran took to the stage to propose to his partner, Meghan also took the opportunity to update her audition tape reel for any Hollywood casting directors who were watching:

And no Sussex Shitshow is also complete without Meghan getting up onstage to hear the sound of her own voice. Let’s face it, no one else is listening, so she may as well listen to herself.

But while the rest of the Sussex fandom got excited over Twat 1 and Twat 2’s return, others were drawn to slightly, er, bigger matters, such as a suspicious bulge in the front of her dress:

What could this suspicious bulge be?

A sanitary pad? Her second born hanging out of her? The Crown Jewels? Maybe she simply hasn’t shaved in a long while? Fuck knows. But whatever it is, I wish it would go away, along with Harry and Meghan themselves.

But unfortunately, no such luck just yet.

Our Pair of Prats were on hand to play dress up once again last night, as they attended the Mountbatten Festival of Music at the Royal Albert Hall — which made me laugh, because they’re basically no longer Mountbatten-Windsors.

Honestly, on a serious note, Harry has some fucking nerve wearing that uniform when he is essentially turning his back on all that he used to support. You don’t want to put in the work but happy to play dress up?

Meghan was obviously there for the cameras and the chance to wear a nice dress.

And of course, another opportunity for the Sussexes to show all is fine in their marriage by continuing to cling to each other like a kidney transplant patient relies on a dialysis machine.

Apparently once inside, these two received a “standing ovation”– for what, I don’t know– but I think it was more likely people were standing and applauding their exit.

But the best part of this visit was when Meghan and Harry took to Instagram to yes, you guessed it, somehow make the event all about themselves:

And don’t get me started on this International Women’s Day bollocks from Meghan.

I don’t know about you, but if I had a daughter, I’d be deeply disturbed if Meghan came to her school to give her life advice. I really think this was just another opportunity to have her ego stroked; I mean, most respectable adults couldn’t give two shits about her, so young, impressionable schoolgirls are all she really has left.

Personally, I’d be more excited to meet Bin Laden, but we’ll let these girls off as they’re only about 12 and easily taken in.

And yep, you guessed it; as predictable as all their photos being in black and white, it was time for another speech from Meghan – where she gave yet more tips on how to fleece the opposite sex (after last year’s debacle when she stole someone else’s quote).

She then invited some poor young lad up to talk about what the day meant to him, although being a dude, he probably didn’t give a shit.

I don’t think it’s coincidence that Meghan chose somebody of colour to join her onstage (because we can’t let that race card expire, now can we?); but in any case, she made sure she was seen hugging him – just to look like a good person at the very least.

But perhaps the most disturbing element of this visit was this weird photo of Meghan with the kids, where I get the feeling she was trying to go for some kind of Virgin Mary vibe:

Does this… remind you of anything at all?

Anyway – that’s enough reporting on these two idiots for one week – I’m sure more will come out that I’ll have to discuss next weekend, so let’s not give them more airtime than they deserve.

Royal tour of Ireland

Let’s take a moment to thank the Lord that we at least have these two to shake off any royal embarrassment.

So this last week, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge headed out on a royal tour of Ireland, where unlike another couple I can think of, they actually undertook some productive engagements.

On the couple’s first day, they met the President and Prime Minister, where they also paid a visit to the Garden of Remembrance.

Prince William even showed off his skills when it came to juggling, much to his wife’s amusement.

But of course – no trip to Ireland is complete without a pint of Guinness, and the Duke and Duchess were only too happy to oblige.

Some, however, accused Catherine of “fake sipping” her Guinness, with many royal watchers speculating she could be pregnant for the fourth time.

Honestly, I did notice that she appeared slightly fuller in the face on this tour, and that she did the thing she always does before announcing a pregnancy – she’s cut her hair:

However – at 38 and with three pregnancies already behind her, I do feel we are reading too much into these “signs” and that it’s highly unlikely she’s pregnant and more likely she just had some split ends and hates beer.

Catherine even got a chance to engage in more sporting events– which maybe could’ve gone better than it did…

All in all, it was a hugely successful trip for William and Catherine and restored a lot of the damage done this week by the Suckasses.

Well that’s all for this week, my darlings – I’m all typed out and need to get on with some housework.

But have a fab week ahead, stay safe and healthy and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋