Happy Sunday boys and girls! 💋 hope you’ve all had a fabulous week!
As I sit here, ready to dish the snark, I realise I really should be getting on with a tonne of housework instead, but as ever, this is way more entertaining.
So – with what was a rather explosive week in royal world – let’s get started!
Harry and Meghan banned from using “Sussex Royal”
Yes, the Queen has finally put her small, dainty foot down and told Harry and Meghan that, after spending thousands of pounds on setting up “Sussex Royal”, she’s not allowing them to cash in on the name after all.
The Queen might be nearly 94-years-old, but there’s no denying that she’s still sharp as a tack and with an incredible sense of humour.
Watching Harry and Meghan scramble around to try and hold on to the last dregs of their fortune, only to pull the rug from under their feet at the last minute is pretty fucking hilarious. I’m saluting the Queen this week.
But of course, no bit of Harry and Meghan news released is complete without the Sussex Shitheads dropping a statement to complain about how hard done by they are.
First of all, this statement held more shade than the Amazon rainforest. It was so petulant and passive aggressive, it couldn’t have echoed more of some of the aggy emails I send to idiots on a Monday morning.
The first gem that caught my eye was this little nugget, where Harry and Meghan appeared to be having a dig at other members of the BRF who have apparently held onto their titles without actively supporting the crown, a la Beatrice and Eugenie:
And honestly, are they really questioning why a 12-month review period has been put in place? Maybe because you’re both loose cannons and I wouldn’t trust you to clean my fucking windows, much less represent the monarchy in any capacity.
On a more serious note, it should also be stated that the reason nobody has an issue with Beatrice and Eugenie being known as “HRH Princess” is because neither of them rely on taxpayers’ money, they both have actual jobs and don’t expect the public to fork out for security.
And next up, Meghan was still keen to tell us all, as one last middle finger, that she is still “Her Royal Highness” but “just not using it”.
Honey, you’re fooling nobody; my toilet is more regal than you’ll ever be and forget “HRH”, we all know you’ll lose the lot when the divorce happens anyway. I’d enjoy it while you can.
They were also keen to remind us that Harry is still in line for the throne, yet he’s so far back, I’ve got more chance of becoming President of the United States than he does of becoming King.
Then Twat 1 and Twat 2 moved on to the issue of security, as though any of us are really losing sleep over their safety.
And “The Duchess’s own independent profile”? What would that be, love? Oh wait – don’t tell me!
They also talked about how Harry would retain some random titles he apparently “earned” in the military, but wouldn’t be allowed to use, as they were “gifted by the sovereign”.
Haz and Megs were also keen to let us know how incredibly close they are with their “team” (all two of them that are left), and that they have “worked closely” with them all to ensure that there is a “smooth transition”.
Oh yeah – I’m sure Meghan is real close to them sat on her arse four thousand miles across the Atlantic, barely remembering any of their names, let alone giving a shit where they end up.
And in regards to the all important ban of using “Sussex Royal”, the fact that they were no longer allowed to use this was pushed right to the bottom of the statement, largely because Meghan was probably having difficulty typing this out.
But eventually she got the words out, also whacking in the fact that they will “still continue with their charitable efforts” (lol) and will ultimately operate as a non-profit organisation.
If you’re planning on operating as a non-profit organisation, just how exactly do you expect to make your money?
They go on to talk about the legal implications of using the word “royal”, and reluctantly agree publicly not to use this anywhere going forward — largely because they probably couldn’t afford the legal team to go up against the Queen.
After trying to put more fluff on the statement regarding their inability to pimp out Sussex Royal, the pair end by saying that they are “excited” to share the next phase of their plans with everyone – although I honestly doubt they have come up with anything yet.
And while their statement may have been gracious (ha), what Meghan said afterwards behind closed doors, most certainly wasn’t.
Likely after one too many chardonnays, Meghan finally lost her shit and told her friends exactly what she thought of the Queen for banning their efforts to cash in on titles that the Sovereign created for them and can take away if they so wish.
Throw your toys out the pram all you like, Sussexes – we all know this won’t end well anyway, and as usual, the Queen has had the last laugh. Ta-ta, now!
Jon Bon Jovi texts
This has got to be the most embarrassing thing I will witness in 2020.
Last week, one of the Sussexes (probably Harry) took to Instagram to share a fake text conversation, depicting a fake exchange between Bon Jovi and Harry.
Who knows what the point of this was, but all I can say is that I was cringing 0.01 seconds in.
Honestly, I’m worried about what this means.
Is it going to be Harry getting up onstage after a few pints and singing with Bon Jovi? What a way to take the piss out of the wounded veterans of Invictus – this isn’t karaoke at your local, mate.
Secondly, this means he is actually planning a visit to the UK this coming week.
Please do spare us more embarrassing antics from Twat 1, whereby he will inevitably hijack the stage at some point to talk about “The Big Sussex Transition” and will probably throw in a few crocodile tears for good measure.
We’re in for a double surprise I’m sure if Twat 2 decides to join him – although I’m hoping she’ll think this beneath her and will stay sat on her ever-widening arse in Canada with Sussex Spawn.
Either way, this is sure to be a interesting week.
Prince Charles visits flood victims
Charlie boy out here, doing what the Prime Minister can’t be fucked to do.
Yep – earlier this week, The Prince of Wales headed to Pontypridd, where he met those sadly affected by the devastating floods, brought on by Storm Dennis last weekend.
Prince Charles took the time to speak to those who had lost their homes and possessions in the brutal weather, and seeing how he could be of help to those affected.
All jokes aside, as the Prince of Wales, it was nice of him to visit. Let’s face it, it’s not as if Boris Johnson gives a shit.
So thank you Charles for doing your bit; and I hope those affected by the floods are back on their feet soon. ❤️
Well I can only imagine just what this week will bring – quite frankly, I’m terrified but I reckon it’ll be entertainment at it’s finest.
Same time next week, my lovelies? 💋