Royal round-up: 23rd February

Happy Sunday boys and girls! πŸ’‹ hope you’ve all had a fabulous week!

As I sit here, ready to dish the snark, I realise I really should be getting on with a tonne of housework instead, but as ever, this is way more entertaining.

So – with what was a rather explosive week in royal world – let’s get started!

Harry and Meghan banned from using “Sussex Royal”

About fucking time

Yes, the Queen has finally put her small, dainty foot down and told Harry and Meghan that, after spending thousands of pounds on setting up “Sussex Royal”, she’s not allowing them to cash in on the name after all.

“That’s what you get for trying to fleece the crown, you pair of tossers.”

The Queen might be nearly 94-years-old, but there’s no denying that she’s still sharp as a tack and with an incredible sense of humour.

Watching Harry and Meghan scramble around to try and hold on to the last dregs of their fortune, only to pull the rug from under their feet at the last minute is pretty fucking hilarious. I’m saluting the Queen this week.

Cheers Ma’am – thanks for being a bad bitch

But of course, no bit of Harry and Meghan news released is complete without the Sussex Shitheads dropping a statement to complain about how hard done by they are.

First of all, this statement held more shade than the Amazon rainforest. It was so petulant and passive aggressive, it couldn’t have echoed more of some of the aggy emails I send to idiots on a Monday morning.

“As per… my last email… you fucking dipshit.”

The first gem that caught my eye was this little nugget, where Harry and Meghan appeared to be having a dig at other members of the BRF who have apparently held onto their titles without actively supporting the crown, a la Beatrice and Eugenie:

Yes Rachel, because Beatrice and Eugenie were born princesses and you were just about born a human

And honestly, are they really questioning why a 12-month review period has been put in place? Maybe because you’re both loose cannons and I wouldn’t trust you to clean my fucking windows, much less represent the monarchy in any capacity.

On a more serious note, it should also be stated that the reason nobody has an issue with Beatrice and Eugenie being known as “HRH Princess” is because neither of them rely on taxpayers’ money, they both have actual jobs and don’t expect the public to fork out for security.

Just in case you needed any clarification, you morons

And next up, Meghan was still keen to tell us all, as one last middle finger, that she is still “Her Royal Highness” but “just not using it”.

Yeah, and I’m known as the Queen of West London, but I leave that title at home most days as well

Honey, you’re fooling nobody; my toilet is more regal than you’ll ever be and forget “HRH”, we all know you’ll lose the lot when the divorce happens anyway. I’d enjoy it while you can.

They were also keen to remind us that Harry is still in line for the throne, yet he’s so far back, I’ve got more chance of becoming President of the United States than he does of becoming King.

You’ll need binoculars to see that order of succession, mate

Then Twat 1 and Twat 2 moved on to the issue of security, as though any of us are really losing sleep over their safety.

Note the double gap after “their son”, where Meghan had probably gone to call him “Prince Archie” before realising it was somewhat factually incorrect

And “The Duchess’s own independent profile”? What would that be, love? Oh wait – don’t tell me!

Is it “Natalie – hot chick”?

They also talked about how Harry would retain some random titles he apparently “earned” in the military, but wouldn’t be allowed to use, as they were “gifted by the sovereign”.

Technically so was Frogmore Cottage babe, so maybe you should give that one back as well

Haz and Megs were also keen to let us know how incredibly close they are with their “team” (all two of them that are left), and that they have “worked closely” with them all to ensure that there is a “smooth transition”.

Oh yeah – I’m sure Meghan is real close to them sat on her arse four thousand miles across the Atlantic, barely remembering any of their names, let alone giving a shit where they end up.

“Yeah, just update your CV, I hear that Starbucks in Reading is looking for a toilet cleaner. Anyway, gotta run, the kitchen in the East Wing is being renovated today.”
This is honestly the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever read – coupled with the fact that they couldn’t resist referring to themselves as “Their Royal Highnesses” one last time πŸ™„

And in regards to the all important ban of using “Sussex Royal”, the fact that they were no longer allowed to use this was pushed right to the bottom of the statement, largely because Meghan was probably having difficulty typing this out.

“I just… can’t do it, yah.”

But eventually she got the words out, also whacking in the fact that they will “still continue with their charitable efforts” (lol) and will ultimately operate as a non-profit organisation.

Yeah, and I’m Gandhi’s left bollock

If you’re planning on operating as a non-profit organisation, just how exactly do you expect to make your money?

They go on to talk about the legal implications of using the word “royal”, and reluctantly agree publicly not to use this anywhere going forward — largely because they probably couldn’t afford the legal team to go up against the Queen.

“One would wipe the floor with your sorry un-royal arses.”

After trying to put more fluff on the statement regarding their inability to pimp out Sussex Royal, the pair end by saying that they are “excited” to share the next phase of their plans with everyone – although I honestly doubt they have come up with anything yet.

“Open a pub?”

And while their statement may have been gracious (ha), what Meghan said afterwards behind closed doors, most certainly wasn’t.

Yeah, and you don’t own Sussex either, yet look how desperately you’re trying to hold onto that one

Likely after one too many chardonnays, Meghan finally lost her shit and told her friends exactly what she thought of the Queen for banning their efforts to cash in on titles that the Sovereign created for them and can take away if they so wish.

“That geriatric inbred thinks she can just take away my title?!”
“Babe, you’re lucky you even left with your first name let alone anything else.”

Throw your toys out the pram all you like, Sussexes – we all know this won’t end well anyway, and as usual, the Queen has had the last laugh. Ta-ta, now!

Jon Bon Jovi texts

This has got to be the most embarrassing thing I will witness in 2020.

Last week, one of the Sussexes (probably Harry) took to Instagram to share a fake text conversation, depicting a fake exchange between Bon Jovi and Harry.

Christ – is anything they do REAL?

Who knows what the point of this was, but all I can say is that I was cringing 0.01 seconds in.

You have no idea how many times I had to sit through this painful video just to get screenshots

Honestly, I’m worried about what this means.

Is it going to be Harry getting up onstage after a few pints and singing with Bon Jovi? What a way to take the piss out of the wounded veterans of Invictus – this isn’t karaoke at your local, mate.

Secondly, this means he is actually planning a visit to the UK this coming week.

Please do spare us more embarrassing antics from Twat 1, whereby he will inevitably hijack the stage at some point to talk about “The Big Sussex Transition” and will probably throw in a few crocodile tears for good measure.

“I know you’re all missing limbs, yah, but I might actually have to get a job.”

We’re in for a double surprise I’m sure if Twat 2 decides to join him – although I’m hoping she’ll think this beneath her and will stay sat on her ever-widening arse in Canada with Sussex Spawn.

Either way, this is sure to be a interesting week.

Prince Charles visits flood victims

Charlie boy out here, doing what the Prime Minister can’t be fucked to do.

Yep – earlier this week, The Prince of Wales headed to Pontypridd, where he met those sadly affected by the devastating floods, brought on by Storm Dennis last weekend.

“And I also heard there are some excellent pubs around here.”

Prince Charles took the time to speak to those who had lost their homes and possessions in the brutal weather, and seeing how he could be of help to those affected.

“I will do whatever I can to help you through this ghastly time in your life; just say the word, and I’ll make it happen.”
“No no, you can’t live with us at Clarence House, dear, don’t be so bloody stupid.”

All jokes aside, as the Prince of Wales, it was nice of him to visit. Let’s face it, it’s not as if Boris Johnson gives a shit.

“Sorry, one had a bakewell tart in the oven and it wasn’t going to eat itself.”

So thank you Charles for doing your bit; and I hope those affected by the floods are back on their feet soon. ❀️

“I told you there was a tavern somewhere around here. Chin chin, yah.”

Well I can only imagine just what this week will bring – quite frankly, I’m terrified but I reckon it’ll be entertainment at it’s finest.

Same time next week, my lovelies? πŸ’‹

26 responses to “Royal round-up: 23rd February”

  1. Housework, schmousework, you made the right choice — got me laughing so hard I’m crying now, i hope you’re happy LOL

    1. Ahahaha THANK YOU my love! ❀️ I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Totally agree – housework pales in comparison.

  2. Getting out my 🍿, Saffy! This is getting good!! Once again, fabulous read!! πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

    1. Ahhh thank you my lovely! πŸ’– popcorn 🍿 indeed – there is wayyyyy more to come yet…

  3. Bless their hearts…those two actually thought Her Majesty wouldn’t have the balls to put them in their place! 🀣 I’d like to think King George VI is looking down proudly on his daughter — the best monarch of them all! Blessings from the USA.

    1. Totally! I’m so glad the Queen played the long game and finally handed their arses to them. This is getting interesting…. πŸ˜‰

  4. They go from bad to worse. I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg, and that Markle will do something no-one could possibly foresee. She’s that poisonous. Can’t believe she’s going up against the Queen. What a way for the Queen to end her reign. Thx again for all the laughs. The only thing keeping us sane until the divorce.

    1. I totally agree! And you’re welcome my love πŸ’– thanks for reading!

  5. This is so good I’d like to eat it with cream on top! The Twats make me physically ill at this point… but I don’t think PH has too much to do with wording of the edicts on high – that seems like all Me Gain. Smarmy, passive aggressive twat. Though I usually call them Gobshite 1 and 2. πŸ˜‰

    1. Ahhh thank you my love! πŸ’– Hahahaha I prefer the Gobshite titles!! PH is being led by MM at this point and it’s really sad to see… he’ll regret this.

  6. I feel that Markle will do something now that she’s been thwarted by the Queen.
    The Queen always plays the long game.

  7. I love reading your blog! Royal watching used to be fun, but now your brilliant posts are the only things that stop me screaming and giving up in disgust.

    “Meghan told her friends what she thought” — ??? She actually has friends left to tell???? XDDD

    1. Thank you so much darling! πŸ’– and hahaha I know right! Just Jessica Mulroney left I reckon!

    2. Just when you think Woko Ono can do no more damage…just wait for Sunday with Saffy. You are brilliant. I will grind my teeth with the duo of twats until next Sunday. Thank you!

  8. You made my Sunday, again! 🀣

    1. Thank you lovely! ❀️

  9. I can’t even wait to read all of this before commenting – I’m so hoping that QEII is holding two cards, just for our entertainment, and general shits & giggles – One, Yank the Duke & Duchess of Sussex titles as well as any other gifted them upon their marriage (maybe leave “Dumb”arton just because); Two, since Nutmeg simply could not help herself and stated Harry and that ugly baby (sorry, not all babies are cure, and this one is not) are Royal by blood, drop the bomb that Harry is not Charles’ kid (who knows, but damn that would be hilarious).

    Watching a narcissist on full display is oddly horrific and entertaining. Looking forward to her final implosion.

    1. I totally agree and think the best is yet to come!

  10. O, Queen of West London, I do appreciate your humor and, oh, those graphics do grab me so I can sit here reading
    your stuff laughing wildly but thankfully! Your talent is something else along with once you get started, you simply roll along picking up speed then the great crescendo and you’re out until next Sunday which is why I kinda hang
    by your place here to make sure that I have my spot. You know what, Crowns, your humor for some reason reminds me of Lewis Grizzard. Remember: Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good myself? Thank you for the weekly
    education and the wonderful fun.

  11. Can’t wait to see what HM has up her sleeve this week! Funny as always darling see you next week!

  12. I look forward to reading your posts every week! So hilarious πŸ˜‚ thank you πŸ™πŸ»

  13. Thanks for the laughs dear Saffy. These two are unbelievable 😜 Keep up the wonderful work and many greetings from Switzerland.

  14. Love your blog. I have to remember not to read it while drinking my coffee or tea. It’s hilarious. With the exception of Jessica Mulroney, I suspect Meghan’s friends consist of me, myself and I. I live in Eastern US and could hear the plates being thrown across the room in their squatters mansion in Western Canada.

  15. As ever Saffy another wonderful weekly round up from the least favourite Royals. When reading through all of the crap that has been put up on their “Sussex Royal Website” you can see it has NO actual quality in the way it has been written let alone presented. IMHO this is entirely done by MEME Megraine & her weird PR people. Harry would have said that “Royal” cannot be used but then since MEME Megraine seems to just treat Harry (the REAL Royal in that Marriage”) as a floor cloth it becomes very evident that whatever Harry may have said will have been turned into a farcical joke by his wife.
    The next step HMTQ is doing is the waiting game – waiting for the tip over the edge from Harry, waiting for MM to really continue her appalling attack on the BRF & UK PEOPLE. This ensures that when it comes to the “Parting of the ways” We the public will be more than happy to see ALL titles removed & MEME Megraine sent packing with NOTHING. HM is very good at the iron fist inside the velvet glove!
    Have a great week!

  16. Your posts always make me howl with laughter. A welcome relief from the WTF’s I throw when I see some new SucksIt update proclaiming their persecution by the big bad BRF and UK media. I await your next chapter in this surreal circus we have the misfortune of witnessing.

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