Royal round-up: 9th February

Happy Sunday ladies and gents! ๐Ÿ’‹

Apologies for the lack of post last weekend; for those of you who follow me on Twitter, I mentioned that it was a really busy one at work – culminating in me eventually losing my shit and screaming at everybody:

“I’ve fucking had enough of you MORONS!”

In any case, breakdown aside and with plenty to have occurred in royal world, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting any longer– so let’s dive right in to this week’s royal round up!

Kate’s Holocaust Survivor Photos

We’ll start with a nice one – Kate’s wonderful photographic work with Holocaust survivors, taken in early January.

The photographs depicted Holocaust survivors with their grandchildren, with the photos also containing items of theirs that were sentimental to them.

The photos speak for themselves and there isn’t really anything further I need to say here, other than how much fun The Duchess of Cambridge looked like she was having working with these wonderful souls.

Just lovely and genuine – great work, Catherine ๐Ÿ’–

Meghan’s looking for a manager

.. and then this one comes along to ruin it all.

Yep, barely five seconds out of the UK and Meghan is already looking for a manager to manage her budding and promising future in Hollywood.

Yeah, I know – I couldn’t hold in the laughter either

So keen to show the world how “talented” she is, Meghan is on the hunt for an agent to represent her for “future professional projects” – of which she deludedly believes there will be many.

Well I wouldn’t part with our your cash just yet, babe

But it seems that Meghan’s already had a bit of luck with the search, and has signed a contract with Disney to provide a voice over for something or other, whereby the cash earned from this will apparently be donated to charity Elephants Without Borders.

That’s if Meghan doesn’t get her greedy mitts on it first…

“Fuck the elephants, Archie needs feeding and that Givenchy ain’t gonna buy itself – I’ll be having that, thanks.”

But I must say, as their public funding is being cut off, it’s a good idea Meghan tries to find as many ways of making money as possible. And if all else fails, Meg can always go back to yachting or whatever else it was she did before.

“Don’t worry, H – this is all for the sake of our family and the commonwealth!”

I think maybe it should be pointed out though that if Meghan couldn’t get any leading parts in Hollywood all these years, it’s unlikely that she’s going to be inundated with job offers now. Though maybe Hollywood execs have been impressed with her most recent performance…

“Perhaps you’ve seen my work in ‘I Really Do Love The Prince’ and ‘I Promise I Give A Shit About My Charity Work’. They’re both Oscar-worthy, I swear.”

Meghan has also been rumoured to have provided an updated audition tape – as it was far more impressive than the last.

“Please find enclosed my audition tape, taken from my wedding in May 2018. This is the biggest role I’ve ever undertaken and my best piece of acting to date.”

Whatever. Good luck Meghan – I fear you’ll need it.

Meghan’s reality show

Thankfully this one turned out to be fake news.

So there was a rumour going around that Meghan was apparently going to be presenting a documentary, led by Jessica Mul-Cronie, whereby the main focus was second weddings. Getting married more than once – something Meghan is an expert at by now.

The idea was that Meghan would speak to couples where one half or more were planning their second wedding – as though that’s really an interesting discussion.

“So you’ve been married before and now you’re getting married again?”

No doubt Meghan could’ve offered up some really helpful advice on the subject, such as how to tell your fiancรฉ’s grandmother that the church in the castle stinks and you want some air freshener installed:

Meghan recounts her first visit to St. George’s Chapel

Or how to combat things when you don’t get along with the popular future sister-in-law and need to lay down the law of the land:

“Fuck off Kate, you’ve had your wedding!”

And most importantly, how to get your husband to ditch his entire family and move to another country for you:

“We’ll build a new life together, Harry.”

In fact, so confident in her third second marriage skills is Meghan that she has even broached a film idea based on her life to Hollywood officials, based loosely on “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days”.

It’s due for release in early 2021, Meghan will be playing herself and the title will be “How to lose a Royal Family in less than two years”.

Alas, the wedding programme was not true (unfortunately – I was looking forward to having a good laugh), but I’m sure something similar will be coming at some point…

Maybe The Real Housewives of Windsor?

Keeping up with the Sussexes?

The Simple Sussex Life?

Either way – I’m sure we’re all very excited.

Harry and Meghan’s security

So word came out in the last week that Harry and Meghan have apparently felt the need to “beef up” their security detail in Canada – labouring under the misapprehension that anybody actually gives a shit about them.

Not many of us, that’s for sure

Why the Canadian government have allowed them to do this, I don’t know; surely they can’t be ok with parting with yet more money to support these two lazy freeloaders, who honestly believe people want to touch them with a ten-foot pole?

On top of that as well – it appears that they are getting more value for their money by asking their security to run errands for them too, such as grocery shopping and buying coffee.

Meghan throws a tantrum when her matcha tea doesn’t make it’s daily appearance

Among the security team’s new list of duties include picking up dry-cleaning and basically acting as a team of personal assistants to Harry and Meghan – because the PAs they did have quit a long time ago.

Actual footage of Harry and Meghan’s staff escaping from Frogmore last year

One thing that doesn’t make any sense to me is that if they’re sending these security officers out on errands, how are they meant to protect them?

“Sorry folks, someone broke into the Sussexes’ house because we were out fetching their Starbucks.”

I do think it’s time somebody told Harry and Meghan that not everybody around them is some sort of lackey – and that they need to stop blurring the lines where people’s jobs and duties are concerned.

You wouldn’t see the Prime Minister of the UK cleaning the Downing Street toilets, would you?

No – but Boris in the bogs would have me in hysterics

In any case, I think it’s time these two dialled it down; you’re two nobodies and a baby and I can guarantee that very few people want to get close to you.

Harry’s on WhatsApp

A lot – apparently.

Sources close to Harry say that he has been “more active than ever” on the group WhatsApp, leading everybody to believe that he’s bored shitless in Canada with nobody other than Meghan to chat to.

“Hello… chaps. One is…. bored. How are you all… this fine day?”

I’m mildly surprised by this revelation, as I didn’t think Harry had any mates left, seeing as Meghan seems to have ensured he cut all of them out of his life.

Poor Haz has probably resorted to calling his mates from the shitter whenever Meghan is out doing yoga or shouting at the house staff.

“Guy Pelly, yah? Let’s keep this short – Meghan’s out farming the kale and that won’t take all day.”

But the Duke has confidence that his friends won’t forget all about him just because he’s on another continent, with the following being said:

Well if the distance doesn’t split you all up, your wife will certainly see to that one

Apparently Harry still relies on his friends to “keep him entertained” while he’s in Canada, as the group often share ‘funny video clips’ to make one another laugh.

“Haha – good one chaps ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚!”

There were even some rumours that some of Harry’s friends no longer even had his phone number as they had “barely spoken to him” since he had gotten married. This was no doubt down to Meghan forcing him to change his number.

“He’s been… speaking to… his FRIENDS? You’ll be getting a new phone now Harry, you bastard, yah?!”

Harry – take my advice mate. Get a separate phone and hide it from your Manipulative Mrs.

Commonwealth Day

So a new one has broken this weekend – apparently The Queen has requested that Harry and Meghan attend the Commonwealth Day ceremony at Westminster Abbey next month.

It’s a hard pass from the United Kingdom, your Maj

Why the Queen has requested this, I do not know; last year was enough of a shambles, with Meghan turning up looking like she was channeling Florence Nightingale in that bloody awful get-up.

“I didn’t know you were working as an air hostess for Emirates now, yah.”

I just do not see the point.

They’ve decided to leave. They’ve gone. Why must we be subjected to yet more pointless appearances from two people who couldn’t give less of a shit about representing the United Kingdom?

“Harry, I don’t give a shit about Commonwealth Day, yah – I’ve got half the Crown Jewels up my dress – let’s just haul arse out of here and flog them on eBay.”

In any case, I can’t really see them crossing the Atlantic just to sit in Westminster Abbey for an hour. They won’t be making any money off it, so I just don’t see it happening. Meghan’s only interested in appearances that will make her a significant amount of money now, so to hell with the aging grandmother and her olive branch.

Meghan passes on her verbal RSVP to Harry, as he speaks to Queen Elizabeth on the phone

And if the worst does happen and they are there, we know Meghan will wear something hideously ugly that we can all laugh at, so everyone’s a winner.

Princess Beatrice’s wedding

This past week saw the announcement that Princess Beatrice and her fiancรฉ, Edoardo Mozzi will marry at St. James’s Palace on 29th May, followed by a reception at Buckingham Palace.

Putting aside all the issues with her father at the minute, I am genuinely happy for Beatrice and Edo and wish them all the best in their married life.

I’ve seen one or two harsh comments from people who, given Prince Andrew’s antics, have questioned why the couple are allowed to have a big wedding in a palace, but I’m not sure I understand why this is being questioned at all.

They moved the goalposts for Harry and a divorcee actress from Cali, so is there a reason people are questioning why a blood-born princess and granddaughter to the monarch should be afforded this honour?

Wind your necks in

Whether Harry and Meghan will attend the wedding yet remains to be seen; I mean, Harry has always been super close with Beatrice and Eugenie, but seeing as he’s dropped everyone from his life recently, it wouldn’t surprise me if his cousins had ended up on the cutting room floor also.

In any case, as the Sussexes’ wedding anniversary and Archie’s birthday are both in May, I’m sure MM believes this is the “Month of Meghan” and resents anything else taking place during this time.

“Ugh, honestly Harry, can’t these bitches stop stealing my thunder?”

In any case, I do have a feeling the Gruesome Twosome will attend; why let Beatrice and Edo have their day when you can come along and spoil it?

“Time to announce another pregnancy!”

Fuck, I hope not.

Anyway my loves – that’s all for this week; there were one or two items I’ve left out, but will go back over next week. I’ve written so much today that my fingers are about to fall off!

Until then – wishing you all a fabulous week and I’ll see you next Sunday! ๐Ÿ’‹

29 responses to “Royal round-up: 9th February”

  1. Absolutely fabulous!! Missed u last week.

    1. Thank you my lovely! Really appreciate it ๐Ÿ’–

  2. Great to see you back lovely lady. Another entertaining read; well worth the wait ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’–

    1. Thank you so much darling – always appreciate your comments and support ๐Ÿ’–

  3. TheCrownsofBritain is the highlight of my week! Thank You!

    1. Thank you so much darling! ๐Ÿ’–

  4. Perhaps the Queen invited them so she can give them their final severance check.

    1. Now that WOULD be good! xx

  5. Excellent as always.

    1. Thank you my love! xx

  6. Missed you last week! I love starting my Sunday off to Harkle dragging๐Ÿคฃ. I still can’t get over the fact that Harry sold his dead mother out for cold hard cash. Apparently people that attended the JP Morgan conference are starting to talk and are super embarrassed about the 10 minute dead mother, BRF ruined our lives talk. The BRF either need to completely kick them to the curb or put Harry’s dim self into intense therapy. The Queen just can not seem to get the Harkles or Andy under control. I can’t believe she sent Andy in official crown business. Are the inmates running the institution now?!?
    Have a lovely week and can’t wait for next week’s edition.

    1. I totally agree with you! I found that utterly disgraceful. And thank you for your lovely comments – I really appreciate it. xx

  7. Security escaping Fraudmore <> … So glad you’re back!
    As to The Queen, I think her invite was more like a challenge to H&M to see if they really are willing to “split their precious time amongst the poor masses of both continents”.

    1. Thank you so much love! xx

  8. Yay, you’re back! <3

    "The Only Way is Sussex" to add to your list. [snort] Also, I love Kate. Part of the reason Mucky Meg was such a disappointment? We already have Kate and in the side by side comparison Meg comes up wanting. Badly.

    1. Hahahaha that one is BRILLIANT! I love it! xx

  9. What a delightfully amusing read! I laughed out loud. Looking forward to more!

    1. Thank you so much love! xx

  10. Brilliant round-up! This made my day. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Thank you so much love! xx

  11. Thank you for your spot on satire!

    1. Thanks so much lovely! xx

  12. Glad to see youโ€™re back. A wonderful way to start the week. Thanks a million.

    1. Thanks so much my darling! Really appreciate that xx

  13. Fantastic read as usual!
    Keep up the good work๐Ÿ˜Š

  14. Fantastic and funny as usual.
    Don’t know how you do it but please keep going!

    1. Thank you so much darling! I really appreciate that a lot xx

  15. Thank you for another entertaining read X

    1. Thank you love! xx

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