Royal round-up: 26th January

Happy Sunday darlings! 💋

Hope you’ve all had a fab week!

Well as usual, there’s been a fair bit to document and I spent most of the week trying to grab headlines for this blog post, feeling like my head was going to explode.

Sussexes please – give me a bloody minute

But not one to complain about having material to write, without further ado, I give to you – this week’s royal round-up!

5 Big Questions

So this week was an important one for The Duchess of Cambridge; she went on a mini-tour of Britain as she launched the “5 Big Questions” all adults should be asking when it comes to children’s mental health.

Catherine visited Birmingham and Cardiff as she launched the initiative – even getting to join a baby sensory class, where she was able to relate to other mums about the struggles of being a first-time mother.

“It was just so difficult, yah. We were holed up in this luxury cottage in North Wales with the nanny and all this money and free time, and I just felt SO isolated.”

It was a great opportunity for the Duchess to also meet some of the young children whose parents are supported by the centre – especially since we all know how much Kate loves babies and children.

“Look, do stop your whining or we’ll make sure you’re packed off to Canada to live with Haz and Megs.”

And there were even some arts and crafts for artsy Kate to get involved with:

“Look, you don’t need to make such a huge fuss about it, yah – I thought they were ashtrays. The cigarette’s been put out now, hasn’t it?”

Moving on to Cardiff, and Catherine was beginning to feel the strain of her tour. It was all so tiring, having to move around and actually interact with people.

“Honestly babes, show me to the bar STAT. One is gagging for a G&T.”

All jokes aside, Catherine should be really proud of herself for launching this initiative; it’s heartening to see royals who actually want to work and just get on with it, rather than making a fuss.

Well done, Kate!

Harry heads back to Canada and Meghan goes on a walk

Sometime last week, we finally got rid of Twat 2 when after failing to clear up the Megxit mess, Harry headed back to Vancouver to join Twat 1 and Archie.

“The rightful King has returned, yah.”

Harry, who wasn’t too thrilled to be flying commercial with the peasants, was even more upset to see that he had also been put in economy… on a WestJet flight, no less.

“I know things are tight, but surely we could’ve stretched to Business, yah?”

The shock continued to wash over Harry as he then had to take in the fact that there was no longer a bag-carrier hired to cart all his shit to and from the airport. Yes. Prince Harry of Wales actually had to carry his own hand luggage out of the airport.

“I think this is how the peasants do it.”

Onlookers onboard the flight said that Harry appeared to be “tired and agitated” during the journey, which stands to reason really and could be for a multitude of reasons; was it because it was a long journey? Because he had to fly in coach? Because he had to go back to Meghan?

Or was it simply because he was forced to fly with British Airways?

Some said that Harry “cheered up” once he approached his waiting car and opened the back door, many believing that it was because he saw Meghan in the backseat.

I think it was more likely he had spotted the car’s mini bar.

Welcome home Harry 😍

In the meantime of course, Harry’s wife Meghan was incredibly busy doing what she does best – posing for the cameras.

In a desperate bid to look like a domestic goddess, Meghan strapped Archie to her chest (incorrectly, and in a sling that was far too small for an 8-month-old baby), hauled her two rather depressed-looking dogs out of the house and took to the park… where somehow, the paparazzi seemed to know she was going to be there.

Wonder how they knew

She was clearly opting for a normal, natural look, but this was marred slightly by the fact her child was hanging like a rag doll from the sling she was struggling to hold up on her shoulders.

Honey. He’s too big for that sling. I’m sure your budget stretches to buying a new one for him.

It’s unclear whether or not Archie was asleep or had just been wedgied into unconsciousness, but either way, I was deeply concerned how a woman who has been a mother eight months still can’t carry her child properly.

Yeah, never mind the fucking cameras – you might wanna check on your child

In any case, after this little stroll, it emerged that Meghan and Harry viewed these photos as an “invasion of privacy” (despite it being an open public area) and were taking legal action against photographers.

Honestly, is Harry actually that fucking dense?

Does he actually think that the paparazzi managed to find Meghan in some random park in Vancouver without a tip off? When nobody else was around? How does he think they found her?

Apparently the Sussexes were “deeply upset” that anybody’s dared to photograph one of them in a public setting “without their permission”.

Yeah, she looks well upset, mate

Maybe she was more fed up because she saw the online criticism of her inability to hold her child properly and was angry about reading the truth. Or maybe because she had carted out the wrong Reborn Doll in her haste to leave the house and be spotted by photographers?

“Shit, I think this is the 18-month-old one. And the fucking head is coming off as well. Did Harry get this one off one of those shitty buyers on eBay again?”

Vancouver earthquake

Not long after Harry returned to Canada, an earthquake struck the Vancouver island they are currently staying on, measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale.

Some were baffled by this occurrence, but neighbours in the vicinity believed it to be Meghan and Harry having a fight, rather than an actual earthquake.

“WENT TO THE FUCKING PUB IN LONDON, DID YA?!”

Once Meghan had finished kicking Harry’s arse for going out for a pint, resulting in a few aftershocks following the main tremor, all went back to normal and the residents of North Saanich were able to rest easy.

The next day, photos showed that their $14 million property was still standing, but eerily silent – indicating that either the whole family were still asleep or Meghan had in fact murdered Harry.

Residents feared Harry had in actual fact ceased breathing and had since been buried under the Canadian mansion

But once it had been revealed that Harry was still alive and (somewhat) well, all went back to normal and the island could breathe easy again. Until the next fight, that is.

Harry and Meghan’s souvenirs are removed

So this week, it has also come out that Harry and Meghan’s wedding souvenirs were taken out of stock on the royal website.

Oooooh, Gan-Gan’s PISSED

Yes indeed – if you now search for “Duke and Duchess of Sussex” in the online shop, nothing comes up – indicating that you can no longer purchase a mug with their mugs on it.

Who the fuck’s spending money on this cheap shit anyway

It’s unclear what the royal collection have actually done with the mugs, plates and towels– but given the fact the royal family are likely no longer benefitting financially from these, I’d wager they’ve gone in the royal bin.

Buckingham Palace staff dispose of Harry and Meghan’s wedding memorabilia

Of course, a large handful of these were scooped up by Meghan on the way out of the UK so that she could spend her days in Canada admiring her own face.

“I just looked so amazing, yah.”

Or at least that was the original idea – some of the plates may or may not have come in to contact with Harry’s head upon his return from the UK.

“I’ll teach you to go to the fucking pub and then lose us our titles, you ginger twerp!”

The remainder of these were used as general cutlery in the Sussex’s new home, given that they were on a tight budget and could no longer afford to buy kitchenware.

“Meg, clean that wedding plate properly when you do the dishes, yah – there’s a baked bean stuck to my head.”

How domestic life plays out for Harry and Meghan remains to be seen, but I for one am very much looking forward to seeing how they lead lives as private citizens.

Harry surveys the scene after Archie experiences a particularly explosive episode of diarrhoea

Good luck Sussexes – you’re gonna need it.

Ok ladies and gents, that’s all for this week – I’m sure the next one will bring up yet more fuckery which I will very much look forward to reporting on.

Until such time, have a great week and I’ll see you all next Sunday! 💋

43 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 26th January

  1. ‘Honestly, is Harry actually that fucking dense?’

    Short answer – yes. Long answer? well, that’s still yes.

    And the souvenirs had ‘sold out,’ apparently, so that’s why you can’t buy them.Yeah, right. If you say so, Royal Collection representative.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah, sold out my arse – they’d still be on the website if they were being sold and would just say “out of stock”. Its effort having to remove them altogether if they just didn’t have any in stock.

      Like

  2. Another insightful post! Love it! Also, love Kate. She’s the royal who Megs should have modeled herself on instead of a random sociopath. Meg’s going for sincerity and coming up contrived every single time. I don’t know if she’s a bad actress or a very, very good one.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Saffy, picks up bat & ball … hits ball out of park – again! Walks up to coach “see you again next weekend coach” … walks away
    😉💖👌☮️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Were poor Harry one tenth as sharp as you Saffy the world might have been spared of this psychodrama. Thank you so much for your eagerly anticipated pennings. You’re helping me laugh through tears for the RF.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but I actually have more respect for the Kartrashians than this hoe… OHMYGOD. I’m going to hell anyway, so – I hope these two meet a fiery demise soon before they kill QEII with their cheap shenanigans.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As ever Saffy a good round up – but don’t be so harsh on Catherine! She is a “never complain never explain” & although she has agreed that being a 1st time Mum is bloody scary (I agree – like husbands there are no manuals to learn before or experience the pain of either!) Unlike MM who had an hours worth of groaning & griping -we still have W&C & their 3 gorgeous Children (thank goodness!)to go forth with!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kat – the jibes at Catherine are very clearly a joke, because the blog is satirical. I don’t actually believe those things, but taking the piss out of Meghan and Harry solely can run dry sometimes. You follow me on twitter – I don’t think it needs to be explained that I’m a huge Kate fan. I’m merely having a laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I just discovered your blog last week, I love it. Thanks for creating such a fun narrative. I look forward to the next installment. And on a side note-I have never seen two dogs so depressed to be going for a walk in my life. Was she marching them to their demise? or has she changed their diet to vegan? Poor things, mine are excited if you just show them their leashes. We always have a fun time regardless of the weather, very strange.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Wait for some more fireworks. There is an article in the N.Y. Times about Charles and his very obscure Duchy of Cornwall status. He is going to hate this type of scrutiny brought on by megxit. Love your pieces a great way to start the week 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thumbs up Saffy! Appreciate the giggles. I was really gobsmacked that MM carried Archie all wrong AGAIN. Yes he is too big really but if using it, turn him around so he can see the world! That is how I always carried my kids once they were past 3 months as I recall. She only cared about smiling for the camera. Harry, Harry….

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Apparently I missed your previous posts bashing the Duchess of Cambridge, but I’ve got to say this, you just lost a part time reader. Not that you would care. Because if you can bash Catherine then you just want to be a mean untruthful blogger. Yeah,i get the whole opinion thing,but your opinion is seriously wrong.

    Like

    1. I think some of you have lost your sense of humour. Anybody who follows me on twitter knows I absolutely love Catherine and I was JOKING!!!! I look for opportunities to make anything humorous – don’t pick for the sake of picking. I praised Catherine for her work at the end of it, so either you can’t read or you’re just looking for a fight. If you’re this serious and uptight, I don’t mind losing you as a reader. Goodbye.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s