CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday lovelies! 💋

Well there’s no point beating around the bush – bloody hell, hasn’t this been an explosive week in royal news!

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Before this week started out, I was doing what I normally do; opening up a draft for the following weekend’s blog, jotting down some headers and hoping something fairly big will happen over the week so that I can take the piss out of it on Sunday.

Boy, did I get what I wished for.

Well you’ve all been waiting long enough, so without further ado – let’s dive right in!

Harry and Meghan are out

This couldn’t NOT be the top news for this week, could it?

Yes, on Wednesday, Harry and Meghan sent shockwaves across the globe as they (finally) made the announcement that they are stepping down as senior royals within the BRF.

The media made out that it was a “bombshell” announcement and they were all incredibly shell-shocked that the Sussexes had made this move… Though there are those of us who saw it coming already about three years ago, before the ring was even on; the only thing that has shocked me about the situation is that I thought it would take more time than it has.

Honestly, I thought Meghan would at least have the decency to play house and Princess for about five years before trying to tear down our 1000-year-old monarchy, but I guess the book deals and chat show appearances aren’t going to hang around forever.

To make this grand announcement, Harry and Meghan jetted back to the UK and visited Canada House, where they apparently went to “thank the Canadian government for having them”…

I mean, I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually visit the embassies of countries I have been to as I journey back from my hols. Something tells me this was just a ploy to be seen out and about and put them in front of the cameras.

Clearly Meghan was super excited to be back in front of the cameras and struggled to contain it as she sweat through her £300 jumper:

I’m not entirely sure what the reason for this visit was, or why we all had to know about it, but what I do know is that in my search to find photos for this blog post, the Daily Mail had a nice personal hygiene tip for Meghan in the form of an ad within the article:

And then… a day later… all hell broke loose.

The first thing to note from all of this is that despite the Queen being made aware toward the end of last year of the Sussexes’ intentions, she did tell them not to break the news to the public – something, amongst many other items, that they ignored.

It was also reported that the Cambridges, along with Prince Charles, were only notified of Harry and Meghan’s intentions to step down about ten minutes before it was announced to the general public – although I suspect William and Catherine were celebrating the news, more than anything else.

And Prince Charles was left wondering if he’d be continuing to foot the bill for Harry and Meghan, even if they were living in another country.

But of course, despite the family’s reactions, there were questions: what would they do to make money, now that they wanted to be financially independent? Where would their main living base be? Will they keep their titles? And are we still paying for their security, because quite frankly, fuck that?

But the Sussexes have grand plans; Harry, keen to show his grandmother that he can provide for his family without taxpayer handouts, has taken a job at McDonald’s in a little town in Vancouver:

And Meghan, who was slightly less keen on taking a job but knew she needed to keep herself in Givenchy, has started a new position as a Back of House Facilities Manager… or at least that’s what she’s put on her LinkedIn. The shortened term for it is “cleaner”.

The couple, now realising they had about ten quid left from Harry’s inheritance from his mum, had to downsize in terms of property – and began renting a modest, two-bedroom abode in the heart of the city:

All jokes aside, I really do think they’ll regret this decision; bar trying to use the Sussex royal “brand” to make money, they have limited prospects when it comes to actually funding their lifestyles, save for a few talk shows and magazine deals.

I give it two years before Harry is trailing back to the UK with his tail between his legs and Archie in his arms, begging the BRF for forgiveness once Meg has divorced him.

And despite Charles’s concerns about how badly Meghan and Harry might rinse the Duchy estate, as they really don’t have any money of their own, he did try and see the silver lining to his son abandoning the family:

Of course, it all remains to be seen, but in the meantime and as it stands, we may finally be seeing the back of the Sussexes – and all I can say is feel free to leave your titles and (our) money at the door when you leave – and don’t let it hit you in the arse on the way out.

Kate’s birthday

Poor cow.

Of course, Harry and Meghan would have to break their big news on the eve of her 38th birthday, totally overshadowing her celebrations. Or so the media thought, anyway.

On Thursday afternoon, Kate was seen driving through Kensington Palace gates, looking a little sombre following the Sussexes’ revelation.

The media did their level best to make it seem that her forlorn expression was due to Haz and Meg’s announcement, but I think it was more likely a hangover, after having started her birthday celebrations early the night before.

And what of the marks under her left eye?

Well, after one too many gin and tonics, Kate decided to drive over to Frogmore Cottage at 2am and tell Meghan what she really thought of her plans to break away from the royal family – resulting in a royal showdown.

Once Catherine had called Meghan every name under the sun, Meg decided she’d had just about enough of the Drunken Duchess and promptly delivered a thump to the eye, sending Kate flying backwards into the fine china cabinet.

Hearing the commotion, Prince Harry eventually woke up and stormed into the living room in a desperate attempt to break up the fight:

Realising she’d said her piece, Kate staggered away from Frogmore, armed with a fistful of Meghan’s weave and a black eye.

Otherwise, reports say that Kate had a lovely birthday with her husband, friends and children and even sent Harry and Meghan some birthday cake as a peace offering.

Madame Tussaud’s move Harry and Meghan

They don’t fuck about over there, do they?

Yep, it took all of 0.3 seconds for Madame Tussaud’s here in London to separate Harry and Meghan’s waxworks from the rest of the royal family, signalling the beginning of the transition process.

One can only imagine that they were dumped in the bins somewhere round the back – a joke that was cracked a few times over Twitter:

Or maybe, for the Sustainable Sussexes who are environmentally-friendly humanitarians, they recycled the two mannequins and reused them as toilet seat covers at Buckingham Palace at Her Majesty’s request.

Well that’s all for this week, darlings; I think it goes without saying that this next week will bring a crazy amount of news, gossip and speculation on the Sussexes and their next move. I for one can’t wait – just so we can make fun of them next week, if nothing else.

In the meantime, sit tight, grab the popcorn and buckle up – we’re in for some turbulence!

Have a fabulous week, my lovelies 💋