Happy Sunday my lovelies! I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, over-indulged with the chocolate and cheese and have thrown the word “gym” out of your vocabulary– at least for the remainder of 2019.
After mixing red wine, champagne and prosecco last night and not moving out of bed until 1pm today, I’ve been moving slowly through this royal round-up, so apologies that this is going out so late – but nonetheless, let’s take a look at some royal Christmas highlights!
Christmas with the royals
Ahh, that magical time of year when the fires are roaring, the turkey is being carved and Prince Andrew scurries in through the back door of the church for a Christmas service to avoid being stabbed to death.
This year, on the traditional public walk to church, we were treated to the first ever Sandringham appearance for Prince George, 6, and Princess Charlotte, 4, who joined their parents for the Christmas Day service.
It’s a bit clear to me that George and Charlotte have inherited their father’s disdain of the press, as neither kid looked particularly thrilled to be photographed – but that could also be because they were forced out in the cold on Christmas Day to sit in a draughty church, instead of being able to sit at home and play with their new presents.
Following the service, Catherine and Charlotte did their rounds and greeted the public, with Charlotte only really perking up after she was given some presents by some strangers.
A couple of members of the public even hugged the little princess, as Charlotte thanked one for a doll she received from her:
George seemed slightly less interested in engaging with the public, and stood with a face like a smacked arse beside his father as he greeted well-wishers.
Both kids looked really smart though and it was lovely to see them – and who knows, maybe next year little Louis will be on the walk too!
Sussex Christmas photo
Right, even with my disdain for the Sussexes (and children in general), I’m trying so very hard to remain as adult as possible about this and NOT insult an innocent baby, but…. bloody hell, what was going on here?
First of all – why are Meghan’s teeth so white? It’s one of the first things you notice – even with Archie’s massive head taking up 80% of the lens.
I know there were two versions released; one where Harry is blurred out and another where he is in focus (which Sussex Stans were quick to point out), but either way, the picture really isn’t that great and something about Harry’s smug face makes me want to punch him in it.
Perhaps next year, provided they’re still actually married – the chances of which seem to be diminishing rather quickly, we might suggest that Harry is obscured by a giant Christmas tree? Or maybe they’ll wrap him in tinsel and have him as a Christmas decoration? I’m sure his balls were already used as baubles this year anyway.
And yes… I’m going to push the boundaries here and say something controversial, but….
Archie isn’t very cute at all.
If you’ve raised your pitchforks, please lower them; I know when people say a baby isn’t cute, they are automatically put in the same category as Satan and that guy from that Netflix documentary who killed the cats, but really – I do not believe all babies are beautiful and this one certainly isn’t.
Also, one thing my Twitter friends and I picked up on is that Archie looks incredibly Asian?
I mean, it’s weird – I’m half Asian and he looks more Asian than I do. I thought he looked a lot like Harry to begin with, but I’m not so sure anymore.
And on a final note, if they post one more photo in black and white, I will flip my shit. It doesn’t look classy or artsy – it just looks stupid and like you’re trying desperately hard to hide some bad photoshop (which appears to be the case with Archie’s hairline in this photo).
Harry and Meghan in Canada
So despite the promise that we’d get a nice break from Dumb & Dumber, as predicted, we’re being given hourly updates on their movements; I’m expecting to hear about their bowel ones any day now too.
This weekend, we have learnt that they are indeed holed up in a luxury mansion somewhere in Victoria and courtesy of the British taxpayer, where Doria has nicely cashed in on this too and gone to stay with them.
Moving swiftly on…
Apparently we are to believe that it wasn’t Meghan that gave the tabloids a tip-off as to the fact they were in the area, but rather some randoms who apparently saw Harry and Meghan out for a jog.
I’d wager it was more likely Harry was trying to make a break for freedom and Meghan was chasing him, but I’m no eye witness for the situation.
Then some other people said they saw Harry out alone for a hike near some woodland area – but once again, was he on a hike, or was he trying to judge the drop off the side of the cliff to see if it was possible to slide down and escape?
It all smacks of bullshit to me.
One second they’ve apparently been holed up indoors and haven’t set foot outside and the next they’ve been out doing all this outdoorsy shit?
And then, apparently sick of cooking for themselves (or Harry had finally gotten fed up of avocado on toast), the two of them and their security detail headed over to Deep Cove Chalet for a spot of dinner… but not before Madam Meghan had arranged a full inspection of the restaurant to see if it was to her standards:
And then, void of organic kale and leaves foraged from the purest woodland areas of Canada, the menu also wasn’t to Her Royal Highnesses’ liking:
But not one to be outright dismissive, Meghan tried her hardest to sample some of the local food on offer, only to find it totally inedible:
It was then, utterly devastated at the prospect of starving to death, (as there is only one restaurant in Canada), that Meghan turned to Harry and delivered her final verdict:
Harry, who couldn’t possibly say no to his pushy Princess, could no longer contain his disgust with the establishment and gave the manager one final line to think on as they swiftly departed the restaurant:
There’s a slight chance Meghan got excited because she thought it was called Deep Throat Chalet and was pissed off when she got there and realised her mistake, but what do I know…
Ok – maybe I embellished a few details with the above, but I believe the actual story is that Harry and Meghan did in fact show up to the restaurant to “inspect” it and see if they wanted to eat there; however, they did also show up with a team of security and add that to their ridiculous diva demands, the manager decided to stop them from dining there, as he simply wasn’t in the mood for their bullshit.
The restaurant have denied that they chucked Haz and Megs out into the cold, but they’ve still received a steady stream of abuse from Harry and Meghan’s ever-classy fans, telling the restaurant that they should’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the Spare and his Whore.
Looks like the restaurant manager also has a special message for Haz, Megs and their fans too:
Perhaps we’ll never know where Harry and Meghan wound up dining that night – but considering their $14 million mansion boasts a professional chef’s kitchen, I’m sure they have all the amenities they need to whack on a couple of microwave meals.
Meghan’s own newspaper?
And so, Meghan continues her quest for world domination.
Yes, the latest in the stream of Sussex Shite is that Meghan is thinking of further expanding the Sussex Royal “brand”, even though one doesn’t exist, and wants to start her own newspaper.
This comes off the back of claims that Twat 1 and Twat 2 now want to slap their trademark on, well, basically everything.
They apparently also want to start issuing their own stationary and merchandise, because as members of the royal family, they can’t find anything better to do with their time.
Meghan reminds me of a child that’s been given a pack of stickers and they just want to put them on everything out of sheer excitement.
I kinda get it though; I mean, if I was as narcissistic as Meghan, I’d want a newspaper for myself too. That way all I could talk about is myself and it would be acceptable, because I own the damn paper.
Let’s face it, we know it’d be all about Meghan. If the Sussex instagram is anything to go by, where she managed to turn the entire tour of Africa into a life story about herself, I can’t imagine a newspaper created by her would be any different– even if people around her told her it’s not quite the correct approach:
I’d imagine there’d also be a small section every week where she drags the Cambridges and drops in little tidbits of gossip she’s managed to get her claws into; just because judging by how her PR works, she believes that the only way to look good is to make somebody else look bad – isn’t that right, Megs?
For the sake of our sanity, I think it’s best they both refrain from popping the Sussex stamp on anything else, in a desperate bid to make as much money as possible for when they’re ousted from the BRF for good.
Next they’ll be telling us they commissioned the original building plans for Buckingham Palace.
Well that’s all for this week, folks – and that was the last post of 2019!
As we see out the year in just a couple of days time, I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy new year! All the best for 2020, where I’m sure there’ll be lots more shenanigans for me to report on and us all to laugh at. I have a feeling it will be a big one….
Until next year, my dears… 💋