Royal round-up: 22nd December

Happy Sunday darlings! 💖

Sorry for the two-week gap; it’s a stressful time of year trying to tie up year-end crap at work and viciously beating everyone out of the way at Westfields so you can finish Christmas shopping for your family.

“That shit’s for my mum – fucking move it!”

However, Christmas shopping (ok – almost 😕) done, I’m back and ready to gossip. I know some of the items below are a little old now, but as per, please do bear with me!

Harry and Meghan are in Canada

Thank fuck for that – I was beginning to lose sleep for worrying as to their whereabouts.

Yep, this weekend we’ve had it confirmed that Meghan and Harry have been hiding out during their “break” in Canada – the precise location of which we are not allowed to know “for security reasons”.

It’s not like I’m gonna knock on their door to do a spot of carol singing, is it

So hard done by and following a difficult year for the two prats, where they have had such a hard time spending all our money and jetting around the world, they have taken refuge in some luxury cabin somewhere, where they have “barely set foot out in public” the whole time.

Do they wanna try doing that in the UK as well

The three of them are apparently spending some “quality family time” together, because allegedly they don’t get the opportunity to do this in England.

And I can see the issue here – really I can; between their 9 to 5 jobs, being unable to afford childcare, trying to save money to fix that leak in the roof at Frogmore and struggling to afford Christmas presents for the entire family (I.e. Doria), shit has to be difficult in the Sussex household right now.

“It’s alright babes yah, I’ll just stick some caviar in the roof to seal it off.”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau kindly weighed in as well, making it seem as though Harry and Meghan were seeking asylum in Canada after escaping a war torn country:

Alright Justin mate, they came from England not Eritrea

I normally don’t have much of an issue with Trudeau – in fact, I have no opinion on him at all apart from the fact that he’s quite hot and would probably get it, but where was the need for this total crap?

The sooner people stop licking the arses of these two scroungers and acting like they have it far tougher than the rest of us, the better; we all know they’re holed up making baby number two so that they can make their “big return” with a second pregnancy announcement, further sending shockwaves of nausea through the planet.

“Yes, one is with second childeth.”

James Blunt defends Harry and Meghan

And you know things are bad when that happens.

Yes, yet another “celebrity” felt it appropriate to pipe up and defend the Dynamic Duo by telling us how wonderful they are and how horrible we are for picking on the poor prince and his showgirl.

He went on to praise their ‘incredible hard work’ (yeah, I’m not sure what he was referring to either) and got out one of the many violins he uses on his depressing albums to speak about how they do this ‘so well under such intense public scrutiny’.

Meghan earlier this week as she sifted through her £70,000 Givenchy gowns

James also went on to tell us: “What I think I can see is that they seem to be on the cover of the newspapers a lot and it seems to be vitriolic quite a lot of the time.”

Really, James? I fucking wonder why.

Maybe it’s their ‘do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do’ attitude? Or the fact that they don’t give a shit that they squander all our money because they turn up to wave at the impoverished from time to time and they think that justifies it? Or that they believe in hiding all details of their lives and that of their child’s from everybody, as though they were A-list celebs, rather than members of the Royal Family on the public payroll? Honestly, James –

I would say “stick to what you know”, but I’m not entirely sure what that is either

These Z-list celebrities brown-nosing Harry and Meghan to get their ten seconds in the newspapers are becoming completely and utterly tiresome. Think we should gather the likes of James Blunt, Elton John and Serena Williams and just dump them on an island somewhere far away.

Got a private jet for y’all to charter, if you’re interested

SmartWorks and Meghan

Keen not to be forgotten on her (not really a) break, Meghan ensured that all the charities she works with have brought her up in one way or another, just so you can remember what a Mother Theresa she is.  

“You think I’m gonna go away for six weeks and let you all forget about me?”

Given the fact she only works with about three charities, this shouldn’t have taken too long, but I admire their efforts anyway.

Last week, it appeared to be SmartWorks on the list, as they shared some “unseen” photos of Meghan very kindly visiting them a while ago, i.e. doing her fucking job.

“Yes, how inspiring – can you fetch me an iced latte? Oh, are you not the tea lady? My bad, babes, sorry!”

They went on to bury their heads even further up her arse by telling us: “We have shared some incredibly special moments with The Duchess over the past eleven months. As well as dressing and coaching our clients, she has supported and spread the word about Smart Works in the seminal issue of British Vogue and through The Smart Set Capsule Collection.”

“YES, another opportunity to talk about me, me, me!”

Yes, what a charitable contribution she has made over the last year, turning every Instagram post about them into a life story about herself (complete with photos) and ensuring she spews out other people’s quotes on these all-important visits, because she hasn’t got an original thought in her head.

I’ve also enjoyed how many times they’ve ‘come out of their break’ to post something stupid on Instagram, because Meghan can’t help herself. Whether these are philosophical musings while she changes Archie’s shitty nappy, or Harry having a laugh while he smokes his morning cigarette (in secret, round the back of Doria’s house), these are always highly entertaining – because they’re so hypocritical.

“Yah, it’s good right? We put it on Meghan’s dad’s Christmas card.”

Mary Berry’s Christmas

So last week, Mary Berry’s Christmas special aired on BBC1, with The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge appearing as guests on it for this year.

Mary worked alongside Catherine for her culinary creation, while William paired up with Nadiya Hussain to produce his, leading to a bit of competition between the royal couple.

“Well, his looks like a pile of SHIT, doesn’t it Mary?”
“Yeah, keep an eye on your own cake, ya slag.”

In the end, Mary Berry, not wanting to spend Christmas with a royal roulade up her arse, declared it a draw between William and Catherine.

I’m not entirely sure which cake they’d shat in for Meghan, but judging by Catherine’s face, I’d wager it was William’s:

“Don’t touch me with those hands – I know where they’ve been.”

Harry and Meghan nearly died

Can’t say the Universe isn’t conspiring, can ya?

Well it’s a bit of an over-dramatisation of what happened but I’m throwing it in because I saw one of my friends repost it on Twitter, and because I hadn’t seen it before and it did make me laugh.

Apparently Harry and Meghan, on one of their luxurious private jet jaunts, had a moment of ‘terror’ when their £46 million rental Bombardier jet cruised 10ft away from a drone at Luton Airport back in August – which for some reason is still being brought up now like any of us are meant to give a shite.

Harry and Meghan, who shouldn’t have been on a fucking private jet to begin with, were making the journey from Nice Airport back to London, after spending a couple of weeks tanning their arses at our expense.

How horrible! Just 10 feet from disaster! Can you imagine if they had been… flying any lower?

In any case, I’m glad people’s priorities were in order; thousands of people sleeping on airport floors due to drone strikes over the last year, and the main concern of Luton Airport was that of two talentless twats possibly ending up with a cracked windscreen in their rental plane.

In any case, I doubt Harry and Meghan even knew it had happened – too busy quaffing champagne and dumping Archie on the nanny to realise they’d nearly had their arses taken out, but such is life when you’re a royal I guess.

“What was that rumble, H? Have we hit some turbulence?”
“Nah sorry babes – these bubbles go straight to my arse.”

Christmas pudding with the royals

So this was a cute surprise!

Prince George, together with his father The Duke of Cambridge, grandfather Prince Charles and great-grandmother Queen Elizabeth, took part in putting the finishing touches to some Rice Krispie cakes for service men and women.

George, 6, proved he was quite the natural at cooking as he made a special surprise for some family members too:

“This one’s for Aunty Meghan and Uncle Harry – so you just stir in the poo like so… this particular portion was sourced from Louis’s nappy.”

This sort of photo op seems to be a fairly new thing for the royals, so one can only assume it’s a spot of slight damage control, given the bullshit that has occurred this year for the family.

Luckily though, Prince Charles was also onhand to offer up some culinary aid for his grandson:

“Here George, Great-Grandad Phillip has kindly offered up the contents of his bedpan – whack some of that in too.”

Well that’s all for now, my lovelies; this week we will see the Cambridge children make their first ever appearance at Sandringham when they head to church with their parents on Christmas Day – and I for one am super excited!

They’re just bloody relieved Dumb and Dumber won’t be there

In the meantime – I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones; hoping you all get everything you want and more – and if you don’t, you can always get drunk and eat all the cheeseboards before anyone else gets a look in (like I do most years).

“Piss off Aunty Karen – it’s mine!”

Have a happy and safe one, and I will see you all next week 💋🎄💋

28 responses to “Royal round-up: 22nd December”

  1. Wonderful as always and just what I needed! Merry Christmas!

    1. Thank you so much love! 💖 merry Christmas to you and yours too!

  2. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I love reading this on Sunday morning with my tea. But I almost spit that tea through my nose a couple of times here laughing so hard! 😂😂😂 Have a very Merry Christmas!! 🌲 🎅🏼 🎁

    1. Hahahaha glad you enjoyed it! And thank you my darling 💖 a very merry Christmas to you too!

  3. You are easily one of the funniest people on the planet — love these Sunday gifts, always a fun surprise in the email box. To think some people are paid a zillion for doing f* all & this gem is a labor of life. The universe isn’t fair!
    Happy holidaze : )

    1. Ahhh your comment is too sweet! Thank you so much lovely 💖 I really appreciate it. Happy holidays to you too!

  4. Another fantastic blog! Have a very Merry Christmas🎄🎅🎁🍸

    1. Thank you my love! Merry Christmas to you too! 💖

  5. Could be just me having a high regard for family, of course, but if my 98 year old grandfather had gone into hospital a few days before Christmas I’d be on the first plane back to Blighty to give support wherever it was wanted – and if it was my OH’s grandfather ditto I’d be pushing him onto that plane shouting ‘GO! GO! just GO, willya! I’ll sort it all out this end.’ But perhaps my family is more important to me than Ross and Rachel’s appear to be to them.

    1. No I’m with you on that one; Prince Phillip is six months away from his 99th birthday, and without putting too fine a point on it, he’s not likely to have very long left. Harry should be here rather than turning his back on his family at Christmas and when his grandfather isn’t very well. He’ll need them all once he’s divorced.

      1. I know Prince Philip detests fuss and family around when he’s ill but the man is 98 and by all accounts increasingly frail. It does make me think that the rift in this family goes very deep that the Sussexes aren’t rallying round. Not really surprising, I’m afraid.

    2. Harry doesn’t need to – he is already at Sandringham & has been all of the time! The only one “away” (in more than one sense as well) is RMM. The child is not the same as the one in SA, the very oriental eyes are not possible genetically speaking, but RMM MUST be in the news EVERY DAY to ensure we are all still aware – especially as the *shhh d I v o r c e & a n n u l m e n t are on the table & she wants the money….

  6. Spot on as usual. One caveat on the baking with adorable George-I wish the Queen had had her purse surgically removed. Kind of detracted from the occasion IMO.

    1. Thank you my love! 💖 and I agree actually – it felt like she was too detached while the others all got involved. Was a bit of a strange move.

  7. Merry Christmas and hopefully a Happy 2020 for us all!

  8. littlemisshappy120 avatar

    Thank you once again for a great read.

    Wishing you and your family a very blessed and happy Christmas.

    Eat, drink and be very merry 🥳


  9. Thank you so much for these posts – they are always so droll and we need the humor!
    Merry Christmas and hope you and your family are hale and hearty throughout the new year.
    We are lucky to have such enjoyable reading. When we see a new post, it’s like we’ve received a gift that day!

  10. Glad you’re back! I was waiting for your new post 🙂
    There’s a thing I don’t understand about Meghan, does she have to always wear winter/autumn coat indoors?
    I don’t know about UK, but where I live that’s kinda weird and even impolite, in some restaurants you aren’t even let in if you don’t take it off.
    I used to do that in my freshman year of university, but I wouldn’t have been doing that if I could have afforded a nice blazer back when.
    So why?! That looks so ridiculous…

  11. fascinatedreader avatar

    Merry Christmas to you and thank you for the wonderfully entertaining blogs this year x

  12. Merry Christmas!!!!! Thank you for the early gift.

    I can sleep easier knowing that the dreadful duo are in Canada and safe, or it might be the rum and cokes that I will partake of this evening.

    Thank you as always for a delightful read.

  13. Very funny especially the Prince George part making puddings with Louis poop and Philip’s bedpan contents lol

  14. Love to read your blog over my morning coffee, although I laughed so hard today I nearly gave myself a hernia. Hope you have a very happy Christmas and a relaxing break.

  15. Your post is great, as usual! ONE thing I’m in disagreement on…no way is she changing his nappies herself! They probably “escaped” to whatever “hovel” they’re at with minions…

  16. Has anyone checked out the Sussex holiday card??? They managed to make Baby Archie look positively demonic.

    1. I can’t believe they would publish such an ugly photo.

      1. I hear ya… I don’t mean to sound horrible, but it’s an unflattering photo at every angle.

  17. Thank you Saffy for another brilliant & hilarious write up of the Royals of the UK… Just wish there was a “Do NT EAT OR DRINK WHEN READING THIS” was there as I have stained the white bedding & 2 cats with tea… & chocolate covered ginger that I made…. What a mess – but a good laugh is brilliant.

    Have a WONDERFUL Christmas/Festive season, & I look forward to the next rendition of what Meg does next!

    1. Thank you my love! Really appreciate it. Have a lovely rest of the holiday season also and HAPPY NEW YEAR! xx

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