Royal round-up: 1st December

Happy Sunday folks! Hope you’ve had a good week.

As some of you may have seen on my Twitter, it turns out that what I had across my fingers wasn’t actually eczema, but rather a secondary viral and bacterial infection (picked up in Norway we think) that unfortunately put me in hospital earlier this week with borderline blood-poisoning.

I thought it was a head cold…

The good news is that with the aid of nine (bloody massive) antibiotic tablets a day, I am doing well and (almost) back to normal, with nearly the full working use of my hands again.

The (slightly) bad news is that I can’t enjoy a glass of red while writing this due to my medication, but it’s ok – I’ll be reunited with my Pinot Noir soon!

Not that I’m keeping count or anything, but it’s only two and a half days until I’m done with my tablets….

But moving on, as usual, there has been a barrel-load of fuckery out of the Sussex camp this last week, and keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s get stuck right in!

Meghan’s being compared to Kate

As if there’s any comparison, but anyway… for Meg’s sake, keep your violins handy.

Yes – “sources close to Meghan” (as if there are any of those either) have claimed that Meghan is “well aware” that she is being pitted against The Duchess of Cambridge in the media and by the public.

A “friend” of Meghan (so Serena Williams or Jessica Mulroney) has said that Meghan “is aware that Kate will be Queen” (like the rest of the bloody nation) and finds being compared to her “challenging”.

This person, who let’s face it, is probably also a PR rep for the Sussexes, tells us that any competition is simply absurd, as both women are “more focused on their families than any kind of competition.”

Meghan? Focused on something other than herself?

Meghan has been in competition since that ring went on her finger. She has never been able to let any Cambridge news shine in the press without trying to outdo Catherine and her clan with some other rubbish from her own life. Not focused on competition? Please.

The only thing Meghan’s focused on in this picture is shoving Kate off the balcony

Another banger that came out of this shit-arsed article was “William and Kate toe the line – maybe because they have to. But Harry and Meghan are saying no. They’re trying to reset the rules.”

Just a suggestion

Harry and Meghan are not at the head of the monarchy (though in Meghan’s tiny mind, I’m sure she thinks she’s the Queen herself).

It is not for them to say how the monarchy should be run and what rules should be in place, much less which ones they’re going to play by. And if they want to say “no”, we will happily say “fuck off elsewhere then” right back.

Please, Your Majesty, when are you going to disown these two as well like you have with Andrew? I think it’s well overdue.

“Just PISS OFF, already! One is not amused!”

Meghan’s higher education letter

No – let me stop you right there – I know what you’re thinking:

“Weren’t these two meant to be on a six week break? Why are we still hearing about them?”

Ah yes, the million dollar question – but not one that any of us are surprised to be asking. I mean honestly – did we really think they’d sod off and leave us in peace?

Keen not to be quiet for too long (just in case we forgot about them), Meghan made it a point to release a letter about the “importance of higher education for women” – because she really does believe in gender equality and women working hard to make a name for themselves in this world without the aid of a man…

It really was a wonderful letter; I mean, without some sad, divorcee crumpet telling us all go to university and why it’s important, no one would’ve even vaguely entertained the idea, much less apply to university.

“Because education expands mind-sets, and those minds can then expand the scope of the world at large. From a micro to a macro level, it is with education that we see great change.” Meghan Markle, 2019 (or some other poor sod she stole the quote off, as she likes to do so often).

God, she really does love the sound of her own voice. However, we appreciate your efforts Meghan and for you taking the time out of stuffing your arse with turkey to tell us all what to do – as usual.

It should be noted that Meghan used the back of her own degree to write that letter as she no longer needs it, due to marrying a rich, privileged, titled man.

It was also very kind of the Sussexes to throw out this shit photo, wishing us all a Happy Thanksgiving, as though they give a toss:

We’d all be thankful for you both fucking off to another planet.

Can I also say that I really love how these articles like to talk about the fact that Meghan went to Northwestern, as though she figured out the cure for cancer while she was there, or something.

Whatever degree she got (which quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse about), it was very clearly a waste of time; I don’t think you need a double major in the arts for blowing some guy on 90210 or for stalking a Prince until he marries you.

All you need is a narcissistic streak, a good helping of tenacity and oodles of determination.

And THAT, my loves, they do not teach at Harvard.

Harry and Meghan build another fence

Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to move to outer space at this point?

Yes, after attending a coffee morning with the Coldstream Guards’ families and making themselves seem approachable as they spoke about their own, the Gruesome Twosome have once again taken another contradictory step to shutting their neighbours out.

They have now apparently built a third fence around Frogmore Cottage, probably to keep other members of the Royal Family out, just in case The Queen decides to stop by for tea and an arse-whooping.

The Queen finally loses her shit

The fence, which cost the Crown a rather hefty Β£12,000, was put up in recent months amid “security concerns” for the couple, while they sat on their arses at home eating kale, doing yoga or whatever else it is they do while they’re in residence.

Waste of money, if you ask me – you could railroad that shit with a child’s scooter and it’d collapse like a house of cards

The bit that baffles me the most is that it was said a while back they they had a team of something like twenty security officers outside this cottage, so why on Earth do they also need three fences? It just smacks of self-importance.

At this point, I’m starting to suspect these railings are to keep Harry IN, rather than keeping other folk out.

Harry eventually jumps the hazel fence and makes it to the local pub

No, but honestly, if it’s peace and quiet in the USA that they want, might I suggest the stunning Alcatraz?

– Ideal waterfront location for those wanting the quiet life in San Francisco, California

– 336 stone-walled bedrooms with en-suite facilities

– A private medical facility (the NHS has nothing on this stunning ward)

– Newly refurbished kitchen with all the mod-cons

– High security fences and railings, to ensure trespassers are kept firmly outside (or inside – whichever)

It’s just like the palace, but draughtier – I’m sure they’ll just love it!

Will and Kate “relieved” Haz and Megs won’t be at Christmas

Yep – apparently the Cambridges have breathed a sigh of relief that Harry and Meghan won’t be at Sandringham to spoil Christmas for the royals this year.

The Duchess of Cambridge hears the news from Harry one morning last week

However, the articles reporting these claims have also gone on to say that in actual fact, William and Catherine are “supportive” of the Sussexes’ decision to “retreat from the public eye (lol) to celebrate Archie’s first Christmas” and that they actually believe it to be a good decision.

It’s still apparently unclear whether Harry and Meghan are currently in the USA or the UK, but if they are abroad, perhaps the Cambridges’ Christmas gift to them could be a one-way ticket to Bermuda.

“Call it a gift from the Crown Estate.”

Between Andrew and the Sussexes, I’d say the entire damn family are pretty relieved that all the troublemakers will be keeping a low profile this Crimbo.

I’m sure Kate’s organising a festive street party to celebrate their absence as we speak.

“You can fucking keep them, America – Merry Christmas!”

The Cambridges and Mary Berry

So I was hearing whisperings last week, and this weekend, it seems to have come to fruition that the Cambridges have done a spot of festive baking with Mary Berry!

These lovely festive treats have been created to help feed those carrying out volunteer work this Christmas, as they aid various UK charities in ensuring those less fortunate are looked after this year. Admittedly I don’t know much about GBBO or Mary Berry (apart from the fact her face scares me a bit), but this is definitely a wonderful cause to champion.

Joining in the baking session was Great British Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain, who offered a helping hand to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as they made meringues for the holiday workers.

While Harry and Meghan may be far away for the holidays this year, they certainly weren’t far from William and Catherine’s minds: the royal couple ensured they enlisted expert chef advice during the cooking session, so that they could bake them something lovely – just a token of their appreciation for all they have done for the family and for Great Britain.

“Yes, but how much chilli powder in the chutney to really ensure that Harry’s IBS is triggered?”

Catherine also enlisted some help, as she prepared a special Christmas surprise for her lovely sister-in-law…

“Yes, but I tried overloading it with cinnamon last time and all she ended up with was a bit of a stomach ache?”

And with the aid of Mary Berry’s team, William and Catherine took away some treats for the Sussexes that they could really be proud of.

“Yes, just don’t touch these two though, William and I shat in them.”

As I type, Prince William has just touched down in Kuwait and news stories are circulating of Prince Charles wanting to “streamline” the monarchy… you can bet all that and more will be coming next week!

In the meantime – have a fabulous week, I’ll try and stay out of hospital and let’s get together again next weekend! πŸ’‹

36 thoughts on “Royal round-up: 1st December

  1. That was a dreadful scare ending up in the hospital like that! Good that they figured out what it was and could give you the correct medicine to cure it. Sending complete healing wishes your way.
    You must be feeling exhausted still, and yet were so kind to all of us to write another one of your superbly dry witted calling-it-like-it-is posts. THANK YOU.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. So glad you are feeling much better.
    Really scary time for you, at least the medication is working.

    Great recap once again.
    It is so much like a soap opera you forget it’s reality πŸ™ˆ

    Thank you for such a fun read.
    Sending warmest thoughts πŸ’•

    Liked by 3 people

    1. So sorry about the horse pill size antibiotics…if I had a magic wand I would cure you immediately, ship the remainders to MeAgain….and promptly put said magic wand up her bum to instigate an attitude adjustment. (Yeah, never mind, that would require a Sequoia.)

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m sorry you’ve been so I’ll and happy you’re on the mend. 2.5 days isn’t horrible and I will drink a toast to your continued recovery. Lovely post, I just have to remember not to be drinking anything when I settle in to read your insightful and witty post.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Thank God for antibiotics and an accurate diagnosis. I’m so glad you’re on the mend. It always puts a smile on my face to see you’ve posted again!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Oh bloody hell babe, you’re not having an easy time of it are you. I’m really glad you’re on the mend, sucks that you can’t have a drink till you’ve finished your meds. Thank you so much for putting out another hilarious instalment of the blog especially when you’re still recovering from a nasty illness. It’s appreciated. Hoping you feel better soon and I look forward to the next exciting instalment, πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. From the other end of the planet I wish you a speedy and full recovery, dear.
    I always love your posts and cannot wait for the next one. Keep it up and best regards!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Glad to hear you are recovering from nasty infections & that your suitcase has finally arrived home – that took a bit of legwork! (brain switches auto pilot to Terry Pratchett, Luggage having 100+ legs etc.)

    Poor MEME just can’t seem to stay relevant can she – How many words out of her mouth are ACTUALLY 100% Her own? As in Her own original thoughts to words, not something she has picked up & used (*which lets face it seems to be her “go too” method.

    Women have been attending university long before she was even the thought of a speck of anything, and her degrees are worth less than my loo paper – which says it all really.

    Love the blog – one day I might actually get around to doing one of these myself!

    Keep well, warm, safe & secure

    KKxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I love your posts. Thank you so much for entertaining us with your wit & wisdom.
        Sending love and healing wishes from across the pond!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Sounds quite scary ! Saffy we’re going to have to put you in a bubble (complete with copious amounts of Pinot Noir) we need you fit and well, to laugh us all through the train wreck that is the Sussex’s ! Hopefully you’ll be well and antibiotic free in time for the festive celebrations ! πŸ˜‰ Sending you get well wishes ! x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. If MM and PH are in LA is it credible they would be staying in Doria’s bungalow? This isn’t a Royal Estate or even a Beverly Hills mansion. Just a small home on a postage stamp sized lot. Only one way in or out so any neighbor would see who comes and goes and I doubt George Clooney would be dropping by for dinner!

    Liked by 1 person

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