CrownsOfBritain

Happy Monday all – the first two words of which are usually not in the same sentence together.

For the 99% of you who read this blog and have been patient with my absence over the last few weeks, I would like to take a moment to thank you for your kind words and support.
As I have said on Twitter, I’ve been really poorly with a virus I picked up in Norway that left me bedridden for two weeks – not to mention the fact that I had a vile outbreak of stress-related eczema across my fingers (that has essentially rendered me handicapped in recent times) and I also had my suitcase accidentally taken from the hotel luggage hold in Oslo, further adding to my stress.

To the other 1% who have thought it appropriate to leave rude comments demanding blog entries and expressing their annoyance at my absence while I’ve been ill, please feel free to unsubscribe. Once again, this is a hobby – not a paid job. I write because I want to, not because I’m under obligation to. And I don’t want anybody ruining that for me.

If you cannot understand that if somebody is too ill to even hold a fork and feed themselves, that they are probably unlikely to be able to write a blog post, you are clearly beyond any kind of assistance and I don’t need that kind of negativity on my blog.

Otherwise – Norway was totally beautiful and a lovely visit!

I apologise if some of the upcoming headers are somewhat old now, but not one to miss out on sharing my thoughts (and seeing as I started drafting it a while ago and figured I might as well post it anyway), I went with the flow.

Sooo…. let’s get stuck in:

Harry goes to Japan

It seems Harry’s wife’s behaviour is rubbing off on him- no, not just behaving like a self-entitled arsehole- but also flying to other countries for sporting events.

Yep, Holiday Harry jetted off to Japan for the Rugby World Cup final a couple of weeks ago where he met some people, shook some hands (while he had both free) and genuinely enjoyed not having his wife super-glued to his side.

And just at the moment that he was starting to seem vaguely like his old self again while talking to a gaggle of Japanese schoolgirls, he (somewhat predictably) went and fucked it up.

These polite, poor young girls who were super excited to meet the ginger tosser (for some reason), were swiftly told to ‘fuck off’ by Harry with one small gesture, as he held up his left hand to show them his wedding ring, all because they deigned to smile and wave at him.

Harry – don’t behave like your Uncle Andrew; they are essentially children, not romantically interested in you and were merely showing fangirl adoration – you didn’t need to remind them that you’re legally bound to a witch.

But going back to all things rugby, Harry – clearly delighted that his wife was so far behind in the UK and couldn’t bollock him for partying, actually decided to have a little fun and even had…. a beer.

One onlooker said that they were ‘surprised’ to see Harry having a drink, as Meghan had apparently put an alcohol ban on him while she was “pregnant” and told Harry that if she was going to suffer (for nine months), so was he (for eternity).

She also made sure he gave up smoking, went on a vegan diet and took up yoga. Basically she transformed him from Henry into Henrietta.

But knowing that his wife was safely some six thousand miles away at home and couldn’t barge in at any moment, rip the pint from his hand and frogmarch him home, he decided to let his hair down (what’s left of it, anyway) and have a pint and a chinwag with the lads.

Bloody hell – makes you wonder what lengths he goes to back here in England to pop into his local for a swift half without Meg finding out.

“Just popping out to the gym, honey!”

“Oh bugger, left my umbrella at the bank – back in ten!”

“Archie’s out of nappies again? Don’t worry dear, I’ll just nip to Tesco!”

Poor fucker. Gotta get it where you can, eh Haz?

Remembrance Day Events

Quir rightly, the Royal Family represented the UK at a large number of Remembrance Day events this year, all of which were carried out beautifully. (Apart from when you were there, Meghan.)

There was the appearance Harry and Meghan made at Westminster Abbey, which was somewhat embarassing, to be quite frank.

Meghan, who (for an actress) didn’t manage to do a good job convincing us that she knew what she was there to do, seemed to spend a large amount of time taking cues from the dude stood behind her. This even included the arduous task of walking a few steps forward and placing a cross in the wreath.

Yes – even approaching the wreath with a cross in her hand, and having seen clearly where her husband had placed one before her, she still had to look to the guy to her left for some help. Because she couldn’t possibly have used her braincells to work this one out right?

She then also did the strangest head bow I’ve ever seen in my life, whereby her head was lowered one minute, and then snapped back up dramatically in a split second, as though she’d been possessed by the Queen Mother.

I’m not too sure what happened here, but I imagine she was going for some kind of “Hollywood” thing, but ended up looking more like a puppet with a sting attached to it’s neck (and a rod up her arse).

She then turned her back on the poppies as the sidled back into line next to her husband, which is a big no-no, but we’ll let that one go– walking three steps forward, dropping an object and bowing her head all proved to be difficult tasks for her to master, so let’s not place too much expectation on her delicate little shoulders.

But it’s ok, guys – she still had more events to fuck things up at.

On the Saturday night, there was the Remembrance Concert at the Royal Albert Hall, where she thought it appropriate to show up in a dress where her cleavage was practically pressed up against everyone’s noses.

And of course, she made sure her hand was on her stomach again – can’t miss a big opportunity to hint that you’re pregnant, eh Megs? Or maybe it was the dodgy dinner from the McDonalds drive thru on the way in playing havoc on her intestines?

But despite the ugly, boaty and inappropriate dress, stomach-clutching and scary gurning, Megs’s biggest test at hiding her true feelings came when she realised how far away her and her darling hubby were sat from the Real Royal Family.

That one must’ve stung, but surely she understands?
I mean, her and Haz are usually twenty miles away from the rest of them anyway, so she should be used to it by now – and perhaps they were worried she’d do that weird thing with her head again or keep trying to get her plump midriff into every photo, so they made the necessary changes to the seating plan.

And then it was Sunday, and the traditional appearance made by the BRF at the Cenotaph on White Hall, where wreaths are laid by members of the family, and a two-minute silence is held.

Her Majesty The Queen was joined by The Duchess of Cornwall and The Duchess of Cambridge on one balcony (as the current Queen and two future Queen Consorts)…

while Meghan was left to bother Sophie, Countess of Wessex on another – which I’m sure Soph was fucking thrilled with.

Meghan’s attire was semi-ok; she actually managed to stick to the colour theme of ‘black’ with little assistance, even if the coat was too large and the hat looked like something my grandmother would wear to sit in the sun.

And she even tried her hardest with the solemn expressions too – even if they do look more like she is trying to hold in a fart, or, y’know, remember which war they were even commemorating.

Whatever happened on the Wessex/Sussex balcony, I’ll bet Kate was just super pleased she wasn’t stuck with Hollywood Ho on her own one.

Windsor Coffee Morning

As if the residents of Windsor hadn’t suffered enough being subjected to weddings, christenings and a shitload of ridiculous orders from these two morons, they added insult to injury by showing up at a coffee morning for the Coldstream Guards and their families to talk more about themselves – and of course, show their love for the kids.

Joining other families, who probably didn’t give a shit about their presence, the two of them proceeded to provide updates on Archie (which still, nobody gave a shit about).

But despite no one asking, they still proceeded to tell everyone that Archie now ‘had two teeth’ in his lower row of gums.

And that he has also started crawling!

Yes – can you believe it? At six months old, he is doing what other babies his age do! He eats, sleeps, crawls and shits! How wonderful to receive this exciting piece of information – I’ll sleep well tonight now.

And honestly, what is with the hypocrisy of these two? Didn’t you just earlier this year tell your neighbours to ‘get the fuck away’ from you and NOT approach you for a conversation if they saw you in the street? Or ask to see Archie? And now you’re trying to have a chat with everyone like you’re all best pals?

I can only imagine what their neighbours were thinking of them.

Christmas in LA?

So the original story was that Haz and Megs were heading to California for Thanksgiving this year as part of their six-week break, so that Archie could be introduced to American traditions (or some shit), but said story has apparently since changed.

Now, it has emerged that Doria will spend Thanksgiving in the UK instead and that the Sussexes will now go to the USA for Christmas, foregoing the standard Sandringham practice.

Well… there are a couple of issues with this picture.
The first one being… we don’t fucking celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK?

Secondly, in keeping with the above, Meghan and her mother are apparently going to hand out ‘Thanksgiving’ meals to the homeless, at some shelter somewhere.

After drafting the rough version of this post (some two weeks ago now), it has since changed (yet again) to a story that tells us that Harry and Meghan will now actually be attending Christmas at Sandringham after ‘a change of plans’.

Honestly, we were all looking forward to a six-week break. No new photos of Prat 1 and Prat 2 gurning and holding hands. The flag flies high above Buckingham Palace. Children can laugh and play in the streets again…. Peace and quiet. Shattered.

I’m really starting to feel at this point that it’s going to take a specially commissioned rocket to get rid of these two.

Last appearance before break

And then we come to Holiday Harry’s ‘last appearance’ before his non-break with his family.

The visit was for charity OnSide, where dear old Hazza presented an award onstage at the Health and Wellbeing awards – seemingly the only task he undertakes these days.

He then went on to talk about Greta Thunberg, praising her for her strikes outside Swedish parliament last year, in view of protecting the climate.

Well, I’m sure Greta was just thrilled at being mentioned by Haz – a man who loves taking private jets all over the globe when it’s just himself, his wife and his baby travelling and flies to other countries for a two-hour sporting event.

I’m sure the audience and charities in attendance were even more thrilled that Harry, probably getting dressed quickly in a hungover stupor, appears to have picked up some trousers from the washing basket that had remnants of last night’s kebab on them.

I guess if it’s not a red carpet event with Jay-Z and Beyonce, it’s just not worth the effort, huh?

Well of course a lot more than that has happened over the last few weeks, a lot more will occur and I fully intend to start afresh next weekend with more royal shenanigans.

Until then, sit tight, take it easy and I’ll see you next weekend!