Royal Round Up: 3rd November

Evening all!

I know I said there may be a slight delay, but keen not to disappoint, I grounded my arse on the sofa with some dinner and a glass of wine and ploughed on through.

Almost there! Just a little… bit.. more!

It’s later in the day than usual, but keen not to keep you waiting any longer, let’s dive on in!

Meghan begged to be in the tabloids

So last weekend, literally just after I posted the last RRU, a story broke in the press about Meghan allegedly ‘begging’ Katie Hind from The Mail On Sunday to put her in the tabloids six years ago, and about three years before she trapped Prince Harry.

Quelle fucking surprise

I mean really, assuming this is true (and I imagine it is, as I don’t think Katie Hind would put herself in the media firing line unnecessarily), none of us are particularly surprised by this– especially since it was well known that Meg also ‘begged’ a lot of her UK connections to set her up with a ‘rich British dude’ or some shit.

But anyway, the story was that dear old Meghan told Katie to write ‘something, anything’ about her in order to make sure she was mentioned in the UK tabloids – because it was around this time that Meghan realised the US press didn’t give a flying one about her, so she needed to move onto pastures new.

“Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Who’s next?” – Meghan leaving the USA media behind and boarding her flight for Heathrow

Apparently Meghan’s publicist, who by all accounts sounds as ferocious as Meghan, begged Katie to meet Meghan for a drink in Soho, London– where Meggers made it clear to Katie that she’d be happy for even a ‘quick mention’ at the end of one of Katie’s weekly column.

Meghan even went as far as to ask Katie to set her up with footballer Ashley Cole, who as we all know was married to Cheryl (formerly) Cole and proceeded to shag a tonne of women while they were together, and allegedly, occasionally beat Cheryl up.
I get that he’s a footballer and has money but let’s face it, times are clearly fucking tough if you’re asking someone to set you up with Ashley bloody Cole.

But Katie quickly ‘squashed Meghan’s dreams of becoming a WAG’ (lol) when she told her how turbulent Ashley and Cheryl’s marriage was, leaving Meghan looking ‘disappointed’ – but probably leaving Ashley fucking relieved.

Actual footage of Ashley Cole trying to depart the UK

Katie needn’t have bothered; I don’t think Meghan had visions of her and Ashley holding hands on a porch somewhere in their 80s and watching their grandchildren play in the garden; I’m pretty sure she was planning on getting the ring, popping out a kid and leaving with half his bank account within two years. This ain’t Romeo and Juliet, Ms Hind.

Busted

I’m only left to assume that Meghan spiked Katie’s prosecco while she was in the bathroom, because Katie did in fact give Meghan a mention in her column and appears to have spun some bullshit about how it was MEG that turned down a date with ASHLEY, instead of the real story – that Meghan begged Katie and Katie saved both her and Ashley the embarassment by nipping it in the bud.

“Yeah, that didn’t fucking happen.”

In any case, all’s well that ends well and I’m sure Ashley is still counting his lucky stars over his narrow escape, while Meghan counts her divorce settlement dosh.

Everyone’s a winner!

Kate and Meghan make amends

I’m not totally buying this bullshit, but as it’s in the news, I may as well put in my two cents.

So The Daily Mail ran a story earlier this week that apparently Kate ‘reached out to Meghan’ after seeing the very sad instalment of The Meghan Show while the Sussexes were out in Africa.

Yeah and I’m the Pope

Kate, who clearly hasn’t been able to stand Meghan for the last three years but is now apparently busting her arse to help her, told Meghan that ‘all royals go through a bad patch’ and that she will eventually get through it – along with providing her advice on how to improve her image.

I mean – I’m sure the real execution of this was a little nicer

Woah there, Catherine; firstly, if there’s one thing we’ve learnt over the years, it’s that Meghan will essentially use all advice given as toilet paper, while she attempts to force out tears on camera about how ‘difficult’ life is in her castle and on the taxpayers’ dime.
Because she’s about as allergic to listening as she is to closing her trap and avoiding the cameras. Best not to waste your time.

Secondly, I’m just not buying it for the more logical reasons.

You really mean to tell me that Catherine and Meghan haven’t been close at all for the last three years, but Meghan gives some bullshit sob story (while she’s meant to be representing the UK abroad) and suddenly Catherine’s over there with a bundt cake and a pack of tissues, ready to wave her magic wand over Meghan’s life?

You’d be better off hitting her on the fucking head with it

Like Kate would be interested in the whinings of a self-serving narcissist, when she went through all that and more without any real public support for years; and instead of using a royal tour as an opportunity to make things about herself, she instead belted up and moulded her image to that of a future Queen, and one the UK could be proud of.

Honestly, if Kate went round to Meghan’s at any point, it was probably to strangle her with the charger cord of that new ‘eco-friendly’ car Haz and Megs bought.

“Stop fucking things up bitch, you’re making us ALL look shit!”

I’m not dismissing it outright, but given the backstory of these two, and on account of the fact that Kate doesn’t appear to be an idiot, I’m getting strong hints of ‘Meghan’s PR Team‘ and slight tones of ‘Pile Of Bullshit‘ on this one.

MPs back Meghan

Fuck me, could it get anymore crazy?

Yes, apparently our British MPs wrote Meghan a letter, demonstrating their ‘support’ for her during this ‘rough time in her life’; because it’s not as if they have anything more pressing to worry about at the moment, like Brexit, frayed international relations and having that twat Boris Johnson at the helm of things, is it?

And of course, keen to keep her name in the newspapers, Meghan called them to ‘thank them for their support’ – while she tried to remember whose names to ask for when she rang, having forgotten who had penned the letter after Harry used it as toilet paper by mistake in the middle of the night.

“Don’t get so vexed Meghan – I thought it was the Andrex, yah.”

Let’s face it, this is total shite. These MPs likely also couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Meghan and her moaning – it’s probably more related to the fact that we are about to go into a General Election next month, and all MPs are looking to drum up as much popularity as they can for their own parties before such time.

Meghan, too dense to see that she is being played at her own game, apparently sat and talked on the phone with MP Holly Lynch, discussing ‘the pressures of being a public figure’ (yeah ok hun) and ‘the difficulties of juggling childcare’.

Yes, Meghan Markle, a British Royal Duchess with access to the public purse and a Prince for a husband, apparently can’t find sufficient childcare for her baby…
Is she having a bloody laugh? Doesn’t she have a nanny? Or has she fucked off too already?

Yes Meghan, I’m sure that 7-quid an hour wage from stacking shelves at Sainsbury’s makes it super difficult to find a babysitter for Archie when you’re working 14-hour days.

“Great, now I can’t afford the electric bill, yah.”

Or perhaps what she meant was that everybody walks out because she’s such a bloody nightmare to work for, so yes, if that’s the case, I see what the problem might be here.

Otherwise – put a sock in it, love.

Meghan tries to be relatable (again)

Ever the busy ‘working woman’, and of course desperate to be out in the tabloids constantly, Meghan this week went to do yet more cooking with yet more under-privileged folk, to show just how much her and Mother Theresa have in common.

“I know babes, I’m just like you – except richer and thinner.”

Meghan visited Luminary Bakery in Camden– a place of work for women who have suffered addiction issues, domestic violence and other similar plights that Meghan would have no understanding of at all, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

Because her skills likely don’t extend much past the bedroom or kitchen (and even the latter is questionable considering her idea of a gourmet meal is avocado on toast), Meghan got down to doing some baking with the women, even including her special ingredient:

“So this is my go-to ingredient for most dishes, although I’m running low now… it’s called Harry Du Balles.”

But of course, as ever, no royal engagement for Mrs Sussex is complete without her turning it into a life story about herself. She took this opportunity to tell yet more people, who have fuck all in common with her, just how ‘alike’ they are after all!
(Except she is richer, more famous, married to a Prince and lives in a royal residence. But hey ho, these are just technicalities.)

Meghan very kindly told everybody not to stand on ceremony for her arrival (like they fucking were, anyway), because even though she is “just like so important yah”, “at the end of the day, we are all just women.”

Yeah thanks for letting me know I have a vagina, Meghan – I had no clue after twenty six years, after all.

Ever the eloquent speaker, she went on to say “people have this expectation when I’m coming somewhere, so I’m like, let’s just be really relaxed, keep everyone nice and chilled.”

“Keep them nice and chilled”? They’re not bottles of fucking Pinot Grigio, hun.

And “like”, “chilled”…. The Queen Mother would be turning in her grave knowing that a member of the Royal Family actually speaks like this publicly.

“Honestly, where the fuck did you find this one?”

Secondly, Meghan – nobody expects shit from you, so please don’t flatter yourself.

Apart from maybe having you tie your hair up before you cook anything; because being the ‘seasoned chef’ that you are, you’d think you’d know by now that pinning your weave back before you cook is Rule Number One… and while you yourself might value your strands of DNA as gold dust, I can assure you that nobody wants to find one in their lemon meringue.

They’re all wondering which one has the hair in their cake

Kate has a girls night out

G’wan Kate, ya bad bitch

Yep, it was said that just a day or two ago, Catherine got together with the other mums from George and Charlotte’s school to ‘have a few glasses of wine and a natter’ in Kensington, at The Hollywood Arms – a lowkey venue on the high street.

The drinks party served as a ‘meet and greet’ between the parents, where Catherine was able to ‘hang out freely’ with her new friends and ‘enjoy a few drinks’ in relative privacy, having entered the party through a ‘secret door’ to the bar’s alley that was actually commissioned by Prince Harry some years ago, back when he was actually a laugh and not a sad sack of shite.

Catherine was apparently ‘relaxed’ while drinking with her new pals – and how she doesn’t slip up and say too much she shouldn’t after a few glasses of wine (like I frequently do), I don’t know. Before going out, I’m all:

And after my third Merlot, it’s more like:

In any case, I guess that secret door to the Kensington Palace grounds came in handy once a slightly pissed Kate stumbled into a hedge while attempting to head toward the palace after a few too many Cab Savs, likely with a couple of security officers having to hold her up:

“Get your hands off me – one can bloody walk unaided, you know.”

But not before she kicked off her heels, walked down the street barefoot and grabbed a kebab on the high street:

“Oi. Where’s my fucking change?”

And then proceeded to bang on the front door for Prince William to open it (as she’d “lost her sodding keys again”), and then woke all her children up by blaring House music at midnight, much to William’s annoyance.

“Ready Wills? Turn that shit UP.”

Ok, quite clearly that didn’t happen (we don’t think), but I’d have fucking loved it if it did. One of us? You bet!

Ok ladies and gents – early warning that next week’s blog may possibly be a little late; I am on a short break to Norway next Saturday for a few days, so that causes a bit of an issue where the blog is concerned, but as always, I will endeavour to have it up as soon as possible.

In the meantime, have a fab week, be good and I’ll see you all for another instalment next week!

50 thoughts on “Royal Round Up: 3rd November

      1. Yes i look forward to this every werk… Any idea when the nect one will be out? Wsiting with baited breath….. Theres so much material from last week. Then moving to America. The new documentary they are doing while taking a 6 week break???? Pffff…. So much more. The trying to look pregnant clothing with her cleavage at a Memorial service etc etc… Cant wait for your response to ask this and more. When, when???

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hello Liza – hopefully today! I was on holiday last week and have been really ill during the week, along with severe eczema across my hands which makes it painful to type, but I will strive to get something out today! ❤️

        Like

      3. Rude comments such as this one will no longer be tolerated.

        I have a life off the internet (shockingly), and I’ve been super ill with an awful virus that left me bed-ridden and a debilitating case of eczema across my hands– which rendered me unable to even wash my own bloody hair, let alone write a blog. I am only (slowly) on the mend now. As you might guess, my main concern was that I was unable to even hold a fork and knife to feed myself, let alone having to try and be funny (when I didn’t feel like it) or type out a lengthy post.

        Where is the understanding from people? Sorry if my being poorly has been more inconvenient for YOU, sweetheart. If I’ve let you down so badly, you are not required to look at the blog anymore.

        I don’t get paid to do this. This is a hobby. Please don’t spoil it for me.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. It’s okay! Don’t sweat it. I always enjoy your blog. I hope you get well soon! I have a blog, too, so I know how grueling it is to keep up. Just take care of yourself. We’ll look forward to your next entry when you’re well again.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Your blog is hilarious. I guffawed at the image of Kate screaming for her change. Seeing that in real life would kill me. I’d probably launch one of my lungs across the room after laughing so hard causes an asthma attack which would launch a coughing fit of epic proportions. If I am not alone when this happens, their entreaties for me to breathe will be in vain.

    But it would be SOOOOOOO worth it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you once again. I don’t think I can take much more of Markle. Really, when will this come crashing down? My husband and I had a wager back in 2018. I said two years; he said three. Thankfully, your posts are a great laugh, and breath of sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much love! xx My prediction is another baby next year and a separation the year after. I can’t see it going much further as she’s already bitching and whining about being in the public eye 18 months in. This time 2 years from now, they’ll have separated – of that I’m fairly confident.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Mate and I gave it five when the engagement announcement was made. I’m now inclined to agree with baby next year and either a separation or more likely, a flounce by both of them to LA.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I said 4-5 initially too, but now I’m not so sure. She’s already whining and clearing playing the sympathy card to pave the way for the divorce, so I feel like it might already be in the offing. They’ll try and piss off to LA, but Harry won’t be out there long; ultimately, he knows which side his bread is buttered and I can’t see him relocating to Cali. And if they’re stripped of their titles and cut off from the taxpayers funds, that marriage will collapse immediately. Meghan isn’t in it to be a pauper.

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      1. I’ve always thought that as well… he seems more willing to engage with those around him than when he is with her. When Meg’s also along for the ride, he seems more tense and hangs back behind her, looking like a spare part. I see some traits in him that are like his father – his dad also wasn’t happy living in his wife’s shadow and we all know how that ended…

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  3. Hi, Saffy! Thanks for “hitting the ground” and producing another laughfest. What can I say — she’s the funkiest of messes. That manic grin creeps me out! I have to wonder about her bedroom skills because Harvey Weinstein allegedly did not find her memorable enough to get her any acting jobs. Could it have been the first time she hit on a black man (Cole)? All her guys were pale and stale. Guess it’s all about the green. Have a great trip!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello lovely! And thank you so much xx Admittedly, I did think that about Ashley C also; Meg’s first(?) husband did bear some resemblance to Harry, so she clearly has a type. I didn’t think Ashley would be it, as historically, she doesn’t seem to have gone for black men. But, y’know, when you’re desperate…

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  4. Oh Lord. I’m sitting at working giggling like a loon while people wonder what I’m doing. As usual it was a fabulous update and I’m sad the next will be a little last and only hope nothing epic happens this week while you’re away.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Spinning in her grave? The Queen Mum and Queen Mary are, as a friend said, in the spin cycle! Brilliant as always. I can just picture Kate with a bundt cake and, like a preacher, leaving the car door open, kids strapped in, dog on in the back, Gruffalo pounding out of the speakers as she runs up to FrogHellNonCottage and says to Meg “here toots, eat this and you’ll be ok!” and runs off!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve just started The Other Windsor Girl and it struck me (not that it was news–I’m a royal scholar) anew that each “royal rebel” has had an American sidekick. David had Wallis, Haza has Maggot, and Margot had the Ambassador’s daughter, Charmaine, as a bestie. hmmmmmmmm

        Liked by 1 person

  6. First time reading one of your posts and just had to pop by to say “thank you!” You read as refreshingly candid and seem to be saying exactly what thoughts are rattling around in my head… I look forward to your next one 🇨🇦

    Liked by 1 person

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