CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday everyone!

I’ve just finished penning this after starting it on Friday… admittedly, at work, when I was, y’know, supposed to be working. It was almost in the bag, but then people kept coming to my desk with bullshit and I got sidetracked.

Nevertheless – I finally made it and there was a little bit to get through this week, so get comfortable and let’s get cracking!

The reaction to Harry and Meghan’s documentary

So things didn’t go quite as well as Harry and Meghan had anticipated with their little attention-and-sympathy-seeking interview in Africa; in what was an attempt to have people flood in with an outpouring of love for the “royal” couple, it was instead met with an army of pissed-off taxpayers, loaded with pitchforks.

People, quite rightly, couldn’t believe that these two pillocks had the fucking nerve to whine about how tough they had it – simply because they are talked about in the press and people take their photo sometimes. I mean – it’s not as though there are children, y’know, starving in Africa or anything, right?

If either of them had a brain-cell between them and weren’t so desperate for attention, they’d probably have worked out long before they even stood in front of the cameras that this was going to backfire massively.

I mean – whining about how rich, lucky and privileged you are in front of the entire world, while you were meant to be on a royal tour focusing on charity work?

The second tidal wave of backlash washed over Hurricane Harkle on Thursday night, when Prince Charles’s documentary about his Duchy estate aired– and much to the Sussexes’ surprise, was actually about the work that Prince Charles does, and NOT him moaning about his life.

People were quick to jump on Twitter and tell Harry and Meghan, quite rightly, that this is how a true royal behaves – not turning a royal tour into a sad little journal entry from your life, whining about how your tiara just isn’t quite shiny enough for your liking.

All in all, much like many of Meghan’s onscreen works, this was a massive flop– and not one that even gained them any popularity. Let’s hope Markle’s inevitable divorce interview attracts higher viewer ratings and sympathy.

Harry and Meghan are depressed

Yep – some media tabloids reported this week that the Sussexes are “unhappy” and “miserable” in the public eye and are reaching “breaking point”. So fed up with the unacceptable notion that nobody actually gives a shit about them, and having not learnt anything from their flop of an interview, these two are continuing to do their best impression of Eeyore to drum up even more sympathy.

Once again, the same question is asked: if you’re so bloody fed up with your royal lives, why don’t you both piss off and leave your titles at the door?

You’re not the future King and Queen.
You haven’t produced any heirs to the throne.
In fact, you’re about as likely as I am to park your arses on the throne at this point.
So what exactly is stopping you both from leaving the UK and the Royal Family?

Oh, right – I know. Your sense of self-entitlement.

Harry isn’t (that) stupid (I don’t think); he must know on some level Meg would never have looked twice at his fuzzy ginger head had he not been born a Prince of Britain, so he also knows that if the titles go, so does the wife.
Show of hands who actually thinks that Meghan would stick around if her “Duchess of Sussex” title was removed? My arse. She’d be out of Frogmore faster than you can say “the crown jewels.”

Or maybe he hasn’t actually realised this yet, but don’t worry – he might get the hint when Meg’s packing her suitcase ten minutes after the Queen tells them they will be no longer be known as “Your Royal Highness”.

And then… predictably.. the Diana card is played – one that Harry has used so many times, you can’t even see the digits on it anymore. Yep – “Prince Harry faces fresh hell after retracing his mother’s steps in Botswana.”

I don’t see how trying to imitate your mother walking through a field can make you feel “fresh pain”, especially as you’ve chosen to do it voluntarily and then whine about it, but my only advice in this case would be:

And what of Meghan? Yes, apparently she is “deeply unhappy” too.

She told Tom Brownoser-by that she was, at this point, “existing” and not “living”.

Well, blow me down; “existing and not living” as a definition for me are those who are waiting to die in a hospice. Or those locked up in prison. Or those who are hooked up to a life support machine; the body is there, but the spirit is gone.

“Existing” is not flying to Italy for weddings. It is not taking a private jet to Spain and France for your holidays. It is not staying in a £25,000-a-week villa. It is not attending movie premieres in London. It is not flying a private jet to NYC for your baby shower and shutting down the whole hotel for it. It is not being allowed to marry a Prince at Windsor Castle. It is not riding around in a horse-drawn carriage for your wedding procession. It is not having the Archbishop of Canterbury christen your child. It is not crossing the Atlantic for a tennis game. It is not spending millions of pounds (that aren’t yours) on renovating one of your many homes.

Honey, if by now you do not see this as ‘living’, then you really are beyond help and I suggest you relinquish everything at once and move away– because if you aren’t happy with your (rather large) lot now, you never will be. And the same goes for your husband, too.

Harry and Meghan take a break

From what, I don’t know, but we may as well roll with it…

Yes, apparently from mid November onwards, Meghan and Harry will be taking a ‘6-week break’ from royal engagements (like they do that many anyway) to ‘focus on themselves and their family.’

Apparently Thing 1 and Thing Two (and Thing Arch-Three) are hauling their arses over to Los Angeles for a couple of weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with Meg’s mum Doria – the only member of her family she hasn’t cut out (besides Harry and Archie – yet).

One also suspects (and hopes) they may use this time to look for a house in LA, so that they can finally bugger off and leave us all in peace.

I do feel though that this “break” may have been under the palace’s instruction: let’s face it, Dipshit 1 and Dipshit 2 wouldn’t understand that they need to back off if the Queen physically hit them over the head with a blunt object, so we know they didn’t reach this conclusion on their own.

Allegedly the two of them “need time and space to focus on their family”… because apparently at the moment, Harry’s 9 to 5 job at Tesco and Meghan’s part-time work cleaning tables at Starbucks is getting in the way of that.

I mean really, what is it they do all day anyway apart from sit on their arses and find new things to moan about? I’d say they’d have plenty of time to focus on their family if they spent less energy on trying to manipulate the press and fob off the public.

In any case, we all know that we’re not going to be lucky enough to get a break from them; they’ll be in the press constantly with some story or another, with their own media machine working overtime to churn out yet more crap.

And if Meghan doesn’t organise wall-to-wall paparazzi to photograph her, Harry and Archie touching down at LAX, then I am Gandhi’s left bollock.

A Sussex break? My royal arse.

Meghan attends a charity event

After complaining about the attention she receives, Meghan made it her mission to be seen in public as many times this week as possible. Because, you know, cameras.

I have to admit, and I know it’s bad, but I didn’t even bother reading what the event was, because I physically couldn’t take scrolling through a million photos of Markle gurning, but all I needed to know and saw was that Markle behaved like a prize tool as per.

First of all, what was going on with the hair? Looking at her at first glance, I’d say she was trying to imitate Kate with this entire look and failing miserably. For some reason, she kept her hair covering at least one eye at all times – sort of like a spaniel when it’s being told off.

Secondly, the mannerisms and behaviour was not that of someone who hates attention and is feeling “vulnerable”. She was grinning so hard at one point, I thought her face was going to crack. She was absolutely loving it.

And then – came the most irritating moment of the entire night: the Curtsy-Hug.

For some unknown reason, this woman tried to curtsy to some old slapper onstage, where said slapper Me-again Markle took the opportunity to look as “humble” as possible by blocking the woman’s curtsy with a hug.

For as much as I use this site, I still can’t work out how to insert videos (or whether or not it is indeed possible), but I’d urge you to google it… that clip is something that needs to be witnessed, largely to see the way Meghan does it. Her movements are SO exaggerated, ensuring that the cameras picked up every last glimmer of her looking as charitable as possible.

Meghan, shaking her head so emphatically at the woman that her wig nearly flew off, was clearly trying to do her “I’m no more important than you, so please don’t curtsy to me. You shouldn’t feel the need to curtsy to me!!!”

It’s ok, love – when you’re divorced, back in LA and without anybody to give a shit about you, you’ll be lucky if anybody tries to spit on you, let alone curtsy to you then – of that you can be sure.

Kate shops at Sainsbury’s

Let’s have a little bit of Cambridge to break up the other bullshit: yep, The Duchess of Cambridge was spotted at a Sainsbury’s in Norfolk with Prince George and Princess Charlotte during the week, where the family were spending the half term holidays.

As usual, other shoppers commented on how “normal” and “down to earth” the Duchess was, as Catherine browsed the racks of the store looking for Halloween costumes for George and Charlotte.

Upon reaching the check out area, onlookers were politely told by Catherine’s security not to take photographs of her and the children – which we can all understand.

I mean, I wouldn’t want somebody to take photos of me while I bought bog roll and tampons either, and my feeling is that the Duchess of Cambridge shares that sentiment.

This isn’t the first time the Duchess and her children have been spotted in the area; they were seen shopping at store The Range last year at Christmas, as Catherine hunted for last-minute stocking fillers for her family.

I don’t believe anybody got photos of this, but Catherine was apparently heard “calmly” trying to round her two eldest children up as they ran riot in the store.

Apparently Catherine wanted to stop Charlotte from sitting on the floor, and was all:

When she probably wanted to be more like:

I’m waiting for the day that George, Charlotte and Louis really piss Kate off in Tesco’s or something, and she finally loses her shit chav-style – cockney accent and everything.

I know it’s not likely to ever happen, but let’s be real, we’d all pay good money to see that.

Meghan lets Harry out of the house

Later on in the week, Meghan had an engagement to discuss some shit about gender equality, where she very kindly let her lapdog husband tag along.

Meghan, very clearly believing she was Head Bitch In Charge, even thanked those around her at the event for letting her husband “crash the party”.

She also said that “gender equality is also very key to the way my husband feels” – which made me snort with laughter; he doesn’t look like he knows anything at this point, let alone how he feels:

And judging by Harry’s expressions, his wife is not only wearing the trousers in this marriage, but has his balls stitched on as buttons as well:

I’d wager that gender equality is not a thing in that household and at this point, Harry is about as far back from the spotlight as Meghan’s hairline was at this event.

But of course, I won’t deny that Meghan is a total expert on the subject: she’s been married to more than one dude, so has had a lot of experience keeping men in line and following her around like she’s the Pied Piper.

She also felt that she had to marry a rich and famous man in order to elevate her status and create a name for herself, so it’s real cute that people are sat there listening to a glorified gold-digger about what’s right and wrong in this life.

And to top it all, she wore a low cut jumper with her tits practically hanging out – y’know – for womankind.

Maybe next time people strip off for an Extinction Rebellion protest, she can join them – her morals seem to be in exactly the same place, I.e. somewhere up her arse.

One thing that did surprise me though was that she was actually able to walk unaided from the car to the venue without hanging off Harry. Yes – for possibly the first time ever – they did not hold hands on an official engagement.

Anyway folks, that’s all for this week; I’m sure this coming one will bring plenty more fuckery for me to take the piss out of – and honestly, I can’t wait.

Until then, my lovelies – have a fab week, Happy Halloween for Thursday and I’ll see you all next weekend!