CrownsOfBritain

Happy Saturday, all!

We’re a bit earlier with proceedings this week, but as I know I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow, I didn’t want to let you all down in regards to postings, so got my arse in gear a little earlier this time round.

It’s been a very busy week for royalty (oh, and Harry and Meghan), therefore this is a bit of a lengthy one.

So pour yourself a drink, get comfy on the sofa and let’s review the week’s highlights!

The Cambridges take Pakistan

One good thing to emerge and distract us all from the Sussex Shit Show.

Yep, William and Catherine, The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, undertook a four-day royal tour of Pakistan earlier this week, further doing us all proud and allowing us to breathe a sigh of relief that William was born before Harry.

I was particularly impressed with Catherine really embracing the trip and making a real effort to don the traditional clothing (which she looked totally amazing in, by the way).

Can you imagine Meghan being told she needed to wear a salwar kameez?

And while we’re mentioning Mrs Sussex, I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to how a headscarf should be worn in a place of worship vs. how it definitely should not be fucking worn:

Yes, take note Meghan. The way yours was done up is reminiscent of how I cover my head with my own scarf when it’s raining and I’ve forgotten my umbrella.

But despite the Sussexes successes, the Cambridges had a few scary moments though, when their aircraft that departed from Lahore back to Islamabad hit really rough turbulence during a storm, and was forced to abort TWO landings, eventually heading back to Lahore, where they had originally departed from.

That was the story from the journalists onboard anyway, but for a brief second, I did wonder if Meghan and Harry had maybe tampered with the aircraft.

The Duke of Cambridge joked that it was “really scary”, largely due to the fact that he “spilt his Vodka tonic” during the turbulence.

The couple eventually returned to Islamabad the next morning before flying back on to London, but not before using their extra time in Lahore usefully, and spending another two hours at the orphanage they had visited earlier in the week.

Overall, a hugely successful tour for The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge; I always admire their willingess and enthusiasm to get involved in everything and how warm and approachable they always are with everyone. I’m sure they had a cracking time out there.

Harry holds Archie
Like an undiffused bomb out in Afghanistan, but we’ll get to that later.

Yes, Sussex fans lost their minds earlier this week when “unseen” photos emerged of Prince Harry holding his son Archie in Africa, for the second time ever in public.
It was apparently truly shocking and front page news – to see a father hold his own kid.

I too lost my mind – but for very different reasons. Yes folks, it is becoming more and more apparent that neither Sussex parent is spending much time with Sussex Spawn, as Harry appears to face the same difficulties as his wife when it comes to holding their 5-month-old son in a safe manner.

Maybe they’re trying to set a new trend of carrying your child halfway down your torso for 2020, or perhaps they just didn’t spend enough time practising in the mirror before going out into public that day, but I have no idea why they hold Archie like they’re about to drop him.

While Harry struggled to wipe the “this-is-the-first-fucking-time-I’ve-held-him” look off his face, Meghan was also busy trying to play the ‘doting mother’, making sure the cameras caught her planting a kiss on her son’s head.
The problem, however, is that she was also unable to control her own face too, and the cameras picked up on her side-eyeing the photographers to make sure they had captured the ‘money shot’.

I kind of feel sorry for Archie; he’s only a baby, and much like the Kardashian kids, is only really trotted out when he needs to be used as a prop to garner some popularity for his parents – something that appears to be fast-becoming a theme for them.

Spent too much money this month? Bring out Archie!
Pissed off the taxpayers by taking yet another private jet? Chuck us the baby!
Royal tour going to flop? This oughta do it.

Considering neither of them seem comfortable holding a child they have been parents to for nearly half a year, I’d wager that Archie lives with the nanny in a separate wing of Frogmore, only being handed over to mummy and daddy for public appearances and special occasions.

Archie my love, for your sake, I hope you’re walking soon; that way you won’t have to worry about these two losers potentially dropping you on your head, and you can haul ass outta Windsor in the near future.

Harry has a breakdown at the WellChild awards

There was so much wrong with this entire appearance that I spent a good ten minutes looking at my laptop before even writing this sentence, not even knowing where to begin.

But I think I’ll start with Meghan’s outfit.

Sussex fans got really excited about the fact that Meghan re-wore her green engagement dress (while for the sake of our taxes, the rest of us were just relieved she had actually reworn anything at all).

The dress itself is nice, but… (how do I put this?)… I think it may have fit better two years ago.
I know it sounds catty, but that dress was clinging to all the wrong places like she had stuffed herself into sausage casing instead of a standard midi dress – and something tells me she was aware of this, given the coat draped over her shoulders to (quite literally) cover her arse and what I can only assume was a case of savage VPL.

And honestly, I’m sick to the back teeth of this half-worn coat shit.
I put my coat on like that when I’m popping downstairs at work to go for a cigarette. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it must be wearing it like that all night, and especially to a semi-formal event. Oh, and when you’re attending as a member of the royal family.

Moving on from this, the second thing that quite frankly, freaked the fuck out of me, was the momentary stomach-touch from Meghan before they entered the venue.

Guys, I’m telling you, if this woman is pregnant again, I will personally contact NASA and ask them to strap me to whatever rocket is being launched into outer space next. I’m not mentally prepared to go through another 18 months of stomach holding and coat-flicking, and I’m sure you guys aren’t either.

I’ve sat, silently praying, and wondering of the other possible reasons she could’ve done this…

She could have just had a case of period bloating and cramping?

Maybe she ate too many of the spices Will and Kate brought back from Pakistan and needed to get to a bog?

Or maybe the camera caught her in the split second she was smoothing down her dress?

But let’s not lie though; she’s 38, clearly looking to maximise her divorce settlement and knows her days within the BRF are numbered – realistically, and unfortunately, she’s probably pregnant again.

But without an announcement (yet), I won’t dwell on this too much – so let’s move on nicely to the main issue of the night: Harry seemingly losing his shit onstage.

Yes, Harry, talking about when Meghan was “newly knocked up” with Archie reduced him to tears (for some reason), sending the Sussex Sheep into meltdown about how “amazing” Harry was as a father, all because he was desperately seeking attention onstage.

Putting all that aside – wasn’t this an event for children? And yet again, one half of the Sussex duo sought to make it all about themselves (for possibly the millionth time this year).

Harry, so “overcome with emotion”, took a beat to compose himself, before continuing with his little speech all about himself and his family. I have to say, I’m slightly impressed – his acting skills are marginally better than that of his wife.

Or maybe Meghan really is pregnant again and his breakdown was out of sheer panic that Ikea may be running out of extra-padded cushions this time of year for Mrs Sussex to shove up her jumper for the second time.

Or maybe he just wasn’t used to standing without Meghan hanging off his arm? If that was the case, the lady next to him very kindly stepped in to offer her arm-grabbing services.

Whatever it was, it was a total fucking embarassment.
A grown 35-year-old, former army man in floods of tears onstage because his wife (allegedly) pushed a baby out of her Royal box, like so many others before her?

Come off it, mate. Let’s hope Meghan gifts you your balls back in time for Christmas.

Harry and Meghan’s interview

This is another one that I do not know where to begin with.

Apparently, in what appears to be a desperate attempt to garner some much-needed sympathy for them, Harry and Meghan thought it would be a good idea to do a small interview while out in Africa with Tom Bradbury from ITV – because what better way to endear yourself to others than by whining about how difficult it is being so rich and famous.

Harry, still clinging to the ‘my-mother-died-22-years-ago-therefore-give-me-a-free-pass-for-everything’ card, didn’t miss (yet another) opportunity to drop her name in there, hoping that it would do the trick to get an outpouring of love and support from the public he and his wife have spent three years sticking two fingers up at:

Every time I hear a camera click or see a camera flash, I am reminded of my mother.

(or some other shit to that effect).

Well you weren’t that arsed when you were dressing up as a Nazi or shagging strippers in Vegas hotel rooms, but go ahead, we’re listening.

Poor, poor little Prince Harry; such a prisoner of his own fame and wealth – with such real problems, such as his driver turning up ten minutes late to the palace last week or the personal chef forgetting to make his favourite dessert. A moment of silence for him, please – he really has it rough.

And then Meghan, silently wetting herself next to Prince Harry in panic in case she didn’t get a chance to speak, chimed in right on cue:

Ok, she didn’t say that, but she did say this:

Hun, who the fuck is meant to ask you if you’re ok when you and your husband expressly told your neighbours that they’re not allowed to approach you if they see you in public? You can’t tell people to piss off and then whine that they actually have.
After that, I’d wager the last thing they give a shit about is your mental wellbeing, and I can’t say I blame them.

And then, it just got worse, really.

Meghan went on to tell us all how ‘vulnerable’ she felt – like she wasn’t the one who organised all those pap strolls in Toronto back in the day to make sure she was seen.

Or made sure the press knew every time she made a ‘secret’ trip to London to see Harry while they were still dating.

Or like she can’t sniff out a camera from ten miles away like a Great White Shark with a drop of blood in the ocean.

She talked about the ‘pressures’ of being under the media spotlight as a new mother and having her every move documented – all while actually willingly standing in front of a camera to be documented for a worldwide broadcast.

Media outlets ran stories upon stories, claiming that during the interview, Meghan was ‘close to tears’ while speaking of her plight.

No, she wasn’t ‘close to tears’ (although she was trying damn hard to be). She was squeezing her face so hard at one point to try and feign emotion, I feared it was more likely she’d end up with a shart, rather than any signs of eye leakage.

Let’s just say, it isn’t a bloody mystery why she was never able to crack Hollywood.

I feel like the comments about the difficulties of being a new mother were to garner some support and sympathy from the people on MumsNet or something, in the hope they’d be all like:

But in reality, I fear people were more like:

No honey, nobody can relate to you; your husband is the Queen’s grandson, you live in a property just off Windsor Castle grounds, you have a round-the-clock nanny and your kid is seventh in line to the throne.
Something tells me you wouldn’t have much in common with the ladies in the local mums group.

All jokes aside, I have to say – I am utterly horrified that they chose their tour of Africa to broach this subject.

They chose to whine about their undeserved, over-privileged lives, while conducting a royal tour on behalf of the Queen to the most poverty-stricken continent on the planet?
Do either of these two consider whether or not they have a single brain cell between them before the open their mouths?

Honestly, this week has been so exhausting with these two, it’s physically given me a headache trying to document it all. If there is a pregnancy announcement next week and you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve been admitted to the local asylum.

But otherwise, Sussex Stupidness not withstanding, I will see all you lovelies next weekend! Have a great week!