CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday all – time for another royal round-up!
Admittedly, I’m writing this with basically one eye; I’ve had an allergy flare up with my right eye last night and woke up looking like Quasimodo, so apologies if there are any typos – the struggle is real today. 

Let us begin on a nicer note…

George’s Birthday 
So as we all know, Prince George turned six last week – with a series of (very sweet) photos being released by Kensington Palace – one of which had been snapped on holiday in Mustique by mum Kate. 

I cannot believe how big he has gotten! Feels like that first public appearance for him was only five seconds ago – hope you had a lovely day Prince George!

But don’t worry guys, that “nice note” didn’t last long – largely because the Sussexes can’t keep their noses out of anything for more than ten seconds.

Yes, true to form, there was a comment on Instagram from dear Aunt Meghan and Uncle Harry:

Meghan’s messages get less and less every time, but I find it downright laughable that she couldn’t even be arsed to name him this time around.

I wonder what it will be next year? 

“Yeah, happy bday”

“Have a good one”

“Enjoy”

The second thing that always makes me laugh is her outright refusal to acknowledge the Cambridge kids by their titles – likely because she’s still fucked off Archie didn’t get one. 

Yeah – my arse.

Meghan, stop throwing your toys out the pram because your kid isn’t a Prince; trust me, you’re lucky YOU even got a title to begin with – and it’s not George, Charlotte and Louis’s fault you didn’t get to their dad first. 

I honestly have a coronary imagining Meghan as Queen. All I can say is – God bless Kate Middleton for ensuring THAT one didn’t happen. 

Kate and Meghan’s “texts about motherhood”
So the Daily Mail (amongst others) ran a story last week talking about how Meghan and Kate apparently exchanged “frequent texts” about motherhood around the time Archie was born. 

Considering the two of them can’t even look at each other when together, much less speak to one another, I’m highly doubtful they’ve exchanged anything other than a few sharp words.

I honestly don’t know why the media are so keen to paint these two as best mates when it’s abundantly clear they don’t have much time for each other.

There were tonnes of photos taken at the polo match and not one of them shows Meghan and Kate interacting at all, much less any interest from the Cambridge kids toward Archie – although it was allegedly the first time they’d met their cousin. 

Seriously – this was the first time the Cambridge three had apparently clapped eyes on Archie and they did not go near him once. 

No interest from them toward the baby.
No interaction with Meghan.
Nothing.

So no, somehow, I can’t see Meghan and Kate exchanging texts about the joys of motherhood, what organic veggies they put in the kids’ baby food and what nappy brand reigns supreme. 
In fact; I’d be willing to bet they don’t even have each other’s phone numbers.

The Queen to put her foot up Meghan’s arse
As mentioned recently, it’s thought that Meghan and Harry are headed to Balmoral next week to celebrate Meghan’s 38th birthday – which I’m sure Meghan is just wetting her pants in excitement over. 

But while Meghan is expecting a tonne of cake, a lavish tower of Givenchy prezzies and the nanny on hand so she can get smashed in peace without her kid hanging off her, it appears that Her Majesty The Queen has other ideas – a swift kick up the royal arse. 

Apparently QE2 is taking this opportunity to give Meghan a few home truths and try and offer her some guidance on how to conduct herself publicly – advice of which I imagine will fall on deaf ears, even if it is coming from the Queen herself.

I mean really, when has Meghan ever listened to anything other than her own voice? 
Nevertheless, The Queen is apparently planning on taking her on some long walks around the castle grounds, letting her know where she’s going wrong and how she can right things for herself.

Something tells me Meghan won’t like this one though; an elderly lady telling her she can’t spend so much money, needs to think more carefully about the public appearances she makes and should treat her family better?

No – something tells me we won’t be seeing a shift in Meghan’s behaviour. As I’ve said a million times over, Meghan has had nearly two years since the engagement to follow royal protocol and advice, and has failed to do so repeatedly, so I highly doubt you’re going to see a change now.

However, my advice to the Queen (should Meghan become difficult during this chat, which is highly likely) – down a bottle of Highland Whisky, fold back the royal sleeves and don’t be afraid to promptly drown Darling Duchess in the nearest body of water.

Harry and Meghan piss their neighbours off 

So apparently, the Self-Important Sussexes have issued a “list of rules” to all their neighbours, telling them the “dos and donts” of being in Their Royal Highnesses’ presence – because they must have missed the memo that they’re not actually the King and Queen.

The list itself includes stupid shit like “don’t talk to them”, “don’t pet the dog” (which could, in all fairness, have been a reference to Meghan) and “don’t ask to see or babysit Archie”.

Honestly, I’ve never seen such self-absorbed shite in my life.
First of all, after that set of rules, who the hell wants to hold a conversation with these two nobodies anyway? I’d rather shove the royal standard up my arse.

Secondly, what’s with the dog rule? Are they worried their pooch will come to some kind of harm? Because I guarantee it’d be safer in the company of total strangers than it’s owners.
Isn’t Meghan the same woman who abandoned her elderly dog to move to the UK and let another one fall down the stairs and break every bone in it’s body? 

Hun, the only people who should be petting your dog are the bloody RSPCA.

And don’t get me started on the Archie rule.

I don’t know what planet these two are living on, but I imagine it’s one where Archie is the heir to the throne, because they’re certainly bloody treating him as though he is.

“Don’t ask to see him” – who’d bother doing that? 
He’s a baby. He looks like a baby. What is there to see?

(Unless of course you’re just checking to make sure it’s actually a baby, and not a Reborn Doll being pushed around.)

As for the babysitting rule, I don’t imagine many people would be brazen enough to approach them and ask to take care of their child – although Meghan may take you up on the offer if the nanny’s out of town and she’s exhausted from the six minutes of actually having to deal with her kid.

Otherwise – I don’t suspect many people are arsed.

I have to say though, the funniest part of this all is the fact that pretty much all of their neighbours are people who work on the Frogmore Estate – I.e. staff who will actually keep to themselves and not bother Baldy, Bitchy and The Chosen One. 
And needless to say, those living on the estate are very far from impressed.

I’d imagine a lot of the staff there were supporting the royal family long before Meghan was even blowing people on 90210, so I can understand why they’re furious with the Sussexes. 

If The Queen is able to sit down and have a natter over a cuppa with her staff, there’s zero reason some  second rate actress who shagged her way into British royalty can’t do so either.

I really think we’re seeing the final nail in the coffin in terms of Harry and Meghan’s public image now: they’ve pissed off the public, press and now their hardworking staff, who are apparently good enough to wipe their arses, but not worthy of a cursory “hello”, should they pass them on Frogmore grounds.

Don’t worry guys, I don’t think your “neighbours” would touch you with a ten-foot pole now, unless it was to haul Meghan’s arse over to the airport.

Well that’s all for this week, my lovelies – off to put another ice pack on my eye and then head out (somewhat blindly) for a Sunday roast with the girls.

Hope you’re all having a great weekend and I’ll see you all next week!