CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday guys! Well I’ve gotta be honest – royal week was fairly quiet this time around so admittedly, I’m really pulling things out of my backside to discuss, but sometimes I feel that’s half the fun. 

However, there are a couple of nuggets that do always surface, so without further ado, let’s begin the royal review:

The Lion King premiere

You know when you’re just lost for words? Yeah, it’s one of those times. So I’ll just quote Zazu instead:

“There’s one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually. And they always manage to ruin special occasions.” – Zazu

I think he may have been talking about Harry and Meghan, but I’m not trying to stir up shit or anything.

But yes, with the premiere of course comes this week’s instalment of “Just What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

I have to be honest, it wasn’t the worst item of clothing she’s ever worn (though the competition for that prize is fairly fierce) – but still – it was hardly a winner.

The sheer neckline was daring enough, but what on earth was with the pushed up cleavage? It honestly looked like her chest was struggling to breathe – totally and completely squished in. It didn’t fit her properly at all. Does Harry not tell her she looks ridiculous before they leave the house?

On top of that as well, I wasn’t sure about the leather-look skirt part of the dress. It just looked rigid and uncomfortable and I’m never sure why anybody wears material like this for skirts or dresses either; they freeze you when you’re cold and stick to your arse when you’re hot – hardly my idea of fun. 

But with that aside, we must remember that no Meghan and Harry outing is complete without the Sussex Death Grip, which made another appearance last Sunday. 

I do suspect this had a lot to do with the stilt-like heels Meghan had squeezed her feet into, as it was abundantly clear early on that she couldn’t walk in them at all, but then again, it’s hard to tell what the reasons are anymore. 

Then came the biggest shit show of all… the meeting of the Sussexes and the Carters. 

I swear it’s a toss up between Meghan and Beyoncé who loves themselves more. 

The most vomit-inducing moment was when Beyoncé greeted Meghan with “hi, my princess”.

Please – don’t inflate this woman’s already massive head anymore. She won’t be able to fit through the doors in Buckingham Palace at this rate (which might bode quite well for the rest of the BRF, but anyway…)

Harry asked Beyoncé how the twins were (whatever the fuck their names are), where Beyoncé was quick off the mark to say they hadn’t travelled with them because “they didn’t always go everywhere with their parents”. 

I’d bet in actual fact they don’t go anywhere with their parents at all and probably see more of them through a TV screen than at home. 

I’m sure that’s the core bond between the Sussexes and the Carters – neither couple actually takes care of their kids.

And on top of all of this fuckery, I’m feeling like I should add “Just What The Fuck Was Beyoncé Wearing?” and “Just What The Shit Did Jay-Z Do To His Hair?” sections.

I would also say it’s inappropriate to have your fanny half out in a dress in front of royalty, but seeing as I don’t consider Harry and Meghan as royals, she may as well have gone stark naked for all I care.

Still… the dress wasn’t nice. 

I did also get a good laugh when it was reported that people attending the premiere were read a list of “rules and protocol” before meeting Harry and Meghan. Well, I can take a guess at what that looked like:

1) Don’t block any cameras that are pointed directly at Meghan 

2) Don’t mention Harry’s loss of hair since getting married; wisecracks such as “Archie has more than you already!” will result in a swift removal from the premises 

3) Don’t ask Meghan why she looks more pregnant now than when she was actually “pregnant”

4) Don’t ask how the Cambridges are doing – you know damn well they never see them

5) Don’t ask them to pass on any birthday presents for Prince George; when this was mentioned during a press briefing, Meghan asked “who?”

6) Don’t talk about yourself for more than three seconds at any given time; allow the Sussexes the opportunity to talk about their house renovations/baby/wedding that happened a year ago/charity work they’re passionate about/etc – even if you don’t give a shit 

7) Don’t ask Meghan how her dad is

8) Certainly don’t ask her how her sister is

9) Don’t ask Meghan how much her dress cost the taxpayer 

10) Please do not discuss “yachts” or “salad tossing”, or it will be ‘off with one’s head’

Other than that – chat away! 

“They don’t make it easy”

In an exchange with Pharrell at the Lion King premiere, it’s believed that when the musician “praised Meghan on her relationship with Prince Harry” (because she’s apparently the first woman to ever get married), Meghan responded with “thank you, they don’t make it easy.”

Interesting choice of words Meghan. 

First of all, who is “they”? The media? The public? Because I thought you didn’t read any press about yourself, or is that just another lie in a long stream of bullshit?

 Secondly, do please tell us what aspects of your life aren’t “easy”? 

You don’t work a normal job. 

You live off the taxpayer and spend money like it’s water.

You have several homes and a nanny on hand to take care of the baby. 

All you have to do for “work” is attend sporting events and movie premieres.

You have access to the best things money can buy. 

So do excuse us for questioning this, but where is this strife you’re apparently experiencing?

Honey – it’s not our fault that you have done shit all since setting foot on UK soil and haven’t endeared yourself to the public in the last two years.
I think you’ll find that any trouble you’re experiencing is your own doing, and if you’re digging in the bins for sympathy from the public, you’ll be scraping those bags of shit for a while.

We do apologise if you feel that we’re not “making things easy” for you – please, do have more of our tax money. 

Amsterdam Waxworks 

This isn’t even news in theory, I just want to know what the fuck happened here.  

Some museum in Amsterdam has created some rather frightening waxworks of Meghan and Harry for some unknown reason, and just being frank, there are some things you really can’t unsee.

I think they’ve got Meghan down quite well, ski slope nose and veneers especially, but what is happening with Harry?

I guess the overly fat head is a good artistic reference to how over-inflated it is these days, so they got one thing right at least.

Or no, perhaps two things; they captured the hand-in-the-jacket pose quite well too, likely to represent Harry hiding what’s left of it, after nearly two years of trying to keep it out of Meghan’s Death Grip. 

Meghan’s hair also being slightly messy at the back is also a true likeness I feel, so perhaps I was too quick off the mark with my criticism. As scary as they are, they’ve actually done quite a good job. 

Perhaps they should trot the mannequins out for future public engagements? They certainly have more charisma and are far less annoying than the real Gruesome Twosome, that’s for sure. 

Perez Hilton 

So scrolling through Twitter yesterday, I saw this absolute bullshit from Perez Hilton – another odious character who doesn’t know his head from his arse. 

I don’t even know where to begin with this one, but those of you who follow me on Twitter may have seen my retweet and comment in response to this:

I mean really, the “royal family are not her employers”? I think you’ll find they actually are, hun. 

She receives money from the British taxpayer to be an ambassador for Great Britain and she’s spectacularly fucking that one up so far too, so yes, people will comment as they see fit. 

His comments are just so juvenile, I do have to laugh. 

“Meghan’s got the ring AND the baby!”

So what? That means they can’t ever divorce because she’s wearing a piece of (re-designed) jewellery and popped a sprog out? Well fuck me, I didn’t know it was a binding contract. The divorce courts must be closing down all over the nation.

My parents were married for 22 years and had two kids – they’re not together anymore. It didn’t cause either of them to evaporate on the spot.

And “do what you want boo”?

Well, thanks for your permission Perez – didn’t know you were the fucking monarch and in charge of what members of the BRF can and can’t do.

Nope – no longer can she “do what she wants” – although she certainly tries her luck. 

She married into an institution that stands for tradition and has a thousand-year old history behind it, so I’m sure The Queen and many others will be buggered if some low-rent American actress is going to scupper that with her big-spending and middle finger to the public. 

I feel like I should point out that I saw Britney Spears on the Circus tour ten years ago now, and Perez did the intro video; my favourite part was when the fabulous Britney entered the circus tent and fired an arrow right through his head. What a shame that stunt didn’t go horribly wrong – we’d be spared this bullshit now.

No it’s ok Hilton – keep your comments to yourself. Or failing that, do please take “boo” back to California and fund her lifestyle yourself if you’re so supportive of her stupid behaviour – she won’t be missed and neither will you. 

Well that’s all for this week, folks; on a closing (lighter) note, I would very much like to wish HRH Prince George of Cambridge a very happy 6th birthday for tomorrow! (How quickly has that gone?!)

Word on the street is that William and Catherine have taken the kids to Mustique to celebrate, so I hope he’s having a fab time in the sunshine with his siblings. Have a good one, Prince George! 🎁🎉🎈

See you all next week! 💋