CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday folks! I’m out of Twitter jail, it’s that time of the week again and as I am dashing out the door for a boozy brunch with my best mate, I will leave you with this week’s royal round up!

Meghan’s Wimbledon seating 

So I’m assuming you all saw the total fuckery that was Meghan Markle taking over about forty seats at Wimbledon and then having her security tell some guy off for photographing her, even though she had no issue with the other wall of media doing so? Yep – I’m sure you all saw it.

I would like to say I was shocked by her behaviour, but let’s face it – none of us are shocked by any of her self-important antics by now. I kind of pity her for needing to go to such lengths to make herself feel like she’s relevant, but then again, I guess they needed the entire section for her ego alone.

The following photo made me laugh for so many reasons:

The first of which being, you can definitely tell she’s not at all listening to what the person next to her is saying, but is more interested in hearing what the security guard is telling the poor bloke with the phone. Her smug expression said it all really. 

Secondly, it was the fact that she came dressed like a prat and then demanded a whole section to herself, as though most of the people going to Wimbledon would want to share a seating area with her anyway. 

I think it’s pretty clear by now that most people cannot stand her, and would rather contract swine flu than sit within ten yards of Markle’s smug mug.

Meghan and Kate at the polo  

Fuck me – where on Earth do I start with this one?

Ok, I think I know where – has this woman held a baby before? Sorry no wait – has she held OWN CHILD before? 

In my near twenty-six years on this planet, I have never seen a woman so completely uncomfortable holding her own baby. 

At first glance of the above, I genuinely thought the paparazzi had mistakenly got a photo of me hoofing a sack of potatoes on my way back from Tesco after a long day at work.

But no, on closer inspection it was a woman who has allegedly had two months to bond with her baby and learn how to hold him properly, but doesn’t appear to have done.

I’m betting the nanny is the one doing all the holding, and Meghan did a quick five-minute rehearsal in front of the mirror that morning before stepping out in front of the cameras.

Secondly – has she heard of a SLING? Or a stroller? In the lead up to Archie arriving, we heard they’d had some fancy Silver Cross (or some other ridiculously expensive) pram delivered to Frogmore for him, so begs the question, why on Earth isn’t she using it?

She instead chose to stand for a good few hours, holding a heavy baby (like she was going to drop him), and all for what?

This echoes of me some years ago holding a family friend’s newborn baby for the first time; I wanted to “support her head” as much as possible, so decided to elevate my left elbow to almost chest level in order to do this.

Well, needless to say – she fell asleep on me and I was stuck like that for two hours, resulting in me almost needing my arm amputated by the time I was finally able to hand her back to her parents. 

So how Meghan carted Archie around like that for hours, I don’t know. 

She was struggling. We could all see it. But I suppose for the sake of the cameras, she was willing to suffer.

Secondly – we begin Part 1 of this week’s “Just What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

It looked an awful lot like a plastic hutch cover I got for my rabbit one year when it snowed and I wanted to keep him warm.

Or like the marquee my Aunty Jane pops up in the garden during BBQs, determined to protect her cocktail sausages from the inevitable British rain.

It looked an awful lot to me like she was trying to hide her stomach. I don’t think she’s lost the baby weight yet, so she’s trying her utmost to hide it under items such as tent-like clothing, or y’know, her two-month-old baby – which is why I suspect her son was being held halfway down her torso the entire time.

The Cambridge kids didn’t interact with her once either, which was rather telling.

 Oh but wait – there was this rather special moment when Louis donned his Mum’s sunglasses and stuck his tongue out at Aunty Meghan – just doing what his mother would like to, but can’t.

A sibling for Archie?

The utter horror.

I’ve actually read this week that Meghan and Harry are “keen to give Archie a sibling as soon as possible” – something that I think we all saw coming a mile off anyway.

Though they did get the wording wrong; I think what they meant to say was “Meghan is keen to increase her divorce settlement as soon as possible.”

I have said all along that I think Sussex Spawn Number Two will be on it’s way by summer/autumn next year, but I’m starting to think it may be earlier than that. 

I do wonder if maybe the reason Meghan isn’t making an effort to shed the baby weight is because she’s planning on getting pregnant again as soon as possible.

She’s also pushing forty, so I’m sure she’s aware that her biological clock is ticking rather loudly and time is running out to pump out another drain on taxpayer funds.

And, you know – because two months post-pregnancy, she now has absolutely no clue now what to do with her hands. 

Meghan and Kate at Wimbledon 

Lots of outings for Meghan and Kate together in the last week – which I’m sure Kate absolutely loved.

Yes, on Saturday, Kate, Meghan and Pippa headed to Wimbledon together for the women’s final to watch Serena Williams take on Simona Halep. 

Meghan, now probably fancying herself as a tennis coach too, headed over to see Serena before the match in her changing room – probably to give her a pep talk or see if there  was anything she could merch for her.

Of course, she made sure she was photographed leaving the changing room too – you know, just in case there was any doubt they were friends. 

I half expected Meghan to walk out onto court holding Serena’s hand, if I’m honest. 

Maybe when her and Harry divorce, they could use her as a ball girl or something – just so she can make sure she’s still secured an invite.

Next, I must also turn your attention to Part 2 of “What The Fuck Was Meghan Wearing?”

Honestly– the only word for this get up was “abomination”:

While I’m pleased to see she’s re-wearing items, I’m not pleased to see that item is the hideous waitress-style shirt she wore to the Endeavour Awards back in February this year, where I momentarily mistook her as one of the bar staff. 

As for the skirt, please don’t get me started.

Meghan – when we said “recycle clothes”, we didn’t mean fashioning them from The Queen’s Sandringham curtains or an old rug the Cambridges threw out. 

Please woman, if you listen to any advice ever – PLEASE invest in a stylist. It’s abundantly clear by now that you can’t manage this on your own, so please stop trying.

Guys, I’m not joking, I’m actually starting to think the jeans and blazer look was better, if not wholly inappropriate. 

The skirt was frumpy and the belt she had around her middle did her no favours at all, only making her rather boxy torso look even thicker. I don’t like to body-shame, but I was getting major Spongebob vibes.

The whole fake display of unity was also rather nauseating; while the internet wet it’s knickers over Kate, Meghan and Pippa “hanging out” at Wimbledon together, anybody with eyes saw an uncomfortable Duchess, a woman all too aware of the cameras on her and a younger sister fucked off at having a Z-list actress separate her and her sibling during the match.

Well tonight is the premiere of The Lion King which Harry and Meghan, who seems to have forgotten what “maternity leave” means, will be attending. 

After our poor princess had to re-wear items of clothing yesterday, I’m sure she’s in desperate need of a £30,000 bespoke Givenchy gown for tonight – yep, Spenderella will be back on her A-game I’m sure and I’ll be covering it all next week.

Until then my lovelies – have a fab week ahead and I’ll see you same time next week!