CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday all! (If you can ever call it that with work looming the next day).

There was a fair amount to talk about this week, so without further ado, I give you this week’s Royal Round-Up!

The Royal Foundation: dissolved

So last week, it was reported that William and Harry had met up for a formal meeting regarding The Royal Foundation of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and The Duke and Duchess of Sussex – and the rather shaky “foundation” it was sat on. 

It looks as though this meeting indeed signalled the end of the Cambridges and Sussexes work together on the charity; well – not that Harry and Meghan did much for it anyway, despite sit on a stage once to chat shit and scribble on some bananas, but you get the idea.

We all knew this was coming anyway – it was announced several months ago now that both couples were going their own ways as they “simply couldn’t work together” anymore and that they all wanted to focus on “other things”. 

The royal foundation will be left to William and Kate, so that they can focus on mental health and early childhood development – and the Sussexes will create their own charity in due course, so that they can focus on merching for Mulroney and swindling as much money from the public as humanely possible. Ok – the palace didn’t quite word it that way, but we all know what they meant. 

Christ on a bike, to have been a fly on the wall during THAT meeting; Harry clearing his throat every ten seconds to avoid speaking to his brother, Prince William bringing along a thick scarf (just in case he had to really avoid speaking to Harry) and some poor fucker from the palace having to mediate for the brothers, in the likely event they tried to stab each other. Must have been frostier than Harry’s South Pole trek in that room.

Personally, I think they should’ve let the brothers have a few beers, handed them some blunt objects and let them have it out properly (live streamed to the public, of course) – but maybe that’s just me.

Royal tours

With the Cambridges announcing a royal tour of Pakistan in the autumn, of course the Sussexes had to quickly stick their (likely coked-up) noses in there and try and garner some press attention for themselves.

Yep, true to form – Meghan took to the couple’s Instagram page to inform everyone that she, Harry (and it looks like Archie too) will be heading to Southern Africa in the autumn for a “royal tour”.

But wait, sorry – do let me correct myself. Meghan and Archie will only be going to South Africa. With Harry journeying on after to Botswana, Malawi and Angola. 

No – don’t adjust your screen brightness – you read that correctly. Harry will be representing the monarchy in Africa – and Meghan and Archie are going on holiday. 

I’m not too sure about the rest of my fellow Brits on here, but my nose is a bit bent out of shape at the prospect of paying for two nobodies and a baby to fly into South Africa, foot the bill for some hideously ugly and ridiculously expensive dresses for Meghan and then pay further for her to sit on her (now rather fat) arse in stunning Cape Town while Holiday Harry clocks up more air miles jetting about the continent. 

So why isn’t Meghan going to the other three countries? Well, the answer is simple – because they’re all slightly poorer nations than South Africa and Meghan can’t wear haute couture out there.

But of course, Meghan’s spending restrictions being her reason for not going to the other African countries have been hidden under the excuse of a “high malaria risk”, which begs the question – why the fuck are they going at all?

The whole “tour” just smacks of pointless. 

My advice to the palace? Considering Madam Meghan will barely be lifting a finger out there, I’d imagine it would fit better for Harry to go out there by himself and leave the Mrs and baby in England. It’s more cost effective, makes more sense and we’ll be spared seeing Meghan’s smug mug for a couple of weeks.

Meghan’s engagement ring gets a facelift 

Yep, Meghan Markle has only gone and fucked her engagement ring design right up. 

Not content with the original one Harry so lovingly designed and created with diamonds from his mother’s jewellery collection, Mrs Sussex has shat all over Harry’s initial design and changed basically everything about the ring.

The ring either way isn’t really to my taste, but I definitely prefer the one Harry designed.

The “new” one seems to have a thinner band (to make the centrepiece diamonds look larger, no doubt), with diamonds now emblazoned all around the band – and the cut of the main diamond itself also appears to have been changed.

Does anyone remember how excited Harry was during the engagement interview to tell us how he’d designed it specially for her, and Meghan glanced down (with her famous faux adoring look) and said “and he designed it! It’s beautiful!”

Well you couldn’t have found it that bloody beautiful love, because you’ve gone and changed the whole ring just over a year after the wedding. 

I’m willing to bet Meghan is just blinging everything up in preparation for the divorce, so she has some costly pieces to flog on eBay or down the local pawn shop when the “royal marriage” eventually goes down the shitter.

And to think – their third date was in Botswana and the core diamond was sourced from there, but dear old Meg can’t even be arsed to go there in the autumn. Sentimental? Sure.

Meghan and Harry’s nanny 

Some interesting pieces out in the last week or two on this situation – the first of which being that Harry and Meghan have apparently gone through three nannies for Archie already.

Yes. Three. For a baby that was born seven weeks ago.

Being honest, the articles didn’t make it clear whether they were fired or walked out voluntarily, but I can kinda envisage both scenarios. Let’s set the scene:

Scenario 1: in which Meghan, who has been a mum for all of a few weeks and likely never held a baby before this time, spends every waking minute shouting at a qualified Norland nanny, and telling her she’s not holding Archie “the correct way”. 

OR

Scenario 2: The nanny has gone in, realised that sharing a house with Meghan is like living under Krakatoa waiting for it to erupt, and has decided to haul ass outta there. 

Bet even Archie is wishing he could be put up for adoption at this point too, given the nightmare his mum appears to be. 

The other story that came out was that Harry and Meghan were apparently making these nannies sign NDAs… Now admittedly, I couldn’t be arsed to read all of that tripe, but NDAs for what, exactly?

So they wouldn’t reveal Meghan’s great avocado-on-toast recipe?

So they wouldn’t tell the press that Harry and Meghan actually spend their evenings getting shit-faced and knocking ten bells out of each-other, true British chav style?

Or to not reveal that Meghan lost her mind, wasn’t actually pregnant and Archie is in fact a Reborn Doll?

No, I’m (sort of) kidding about this one, but can you imagine it it was true? 

I don’t know if any of you have seen that film “The Boy”, but it’s about some English couple who hire a nanny to take care of their “child”, but when the nanny gets there, she realises it’s just some elderly folk carting a doll around this massive Georgian mansion and singing/reading/talking to it.

It’s the most epic pile of shit I’ve ever watched, but we can’t be too sure Meghan hasn’t seen it and drafted some of her own ideas from there. Anything is possible with Medusa Meg. 

Meghan’s back – sort of. Unfortunately.

Thought we’d had a lucky escape there, but maybe not. Six months maternity leave, my arse.

Yep, Meghan was let out of her cage yesterday to join Harry on a visit to Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, where they met the Boston Red Sox. What the point was of this engagement I don’t know, but then again, I find very little point to anything the Sussexes do.

Most articles detailed how “happy” Meghan looked: well of course she’s bloody happy – there are cameras, she’s the centre of attention and in a room full of men, something she is rather used to from her LA days – I’d say she was in her element there and must have had a sense of nostalgia from her yacht girl days. 

I even admired her for laughing through what must have been an incredibly difficult moment, as she realised her “American cousins” had actually done their research, knew her son wasn’t a prince and hadn’t mistakenly put it on the baby clothes they gifted Harry and Meghan.

I also think it’s nice she managed to find it in her to drag her arse out of Berkshire to meet a baseball team, but couldn’t be bothered when her own President was in town. Mad props Meghan. 

And whaddya know? The Sussex double-grip is back! 

With no baby bump to cling on to for dear life anymore (thank fuck), Meghan is back holding onto her human Zimmer frame – Prince Harry. 

I spent ages thinking maybe she holds onto Harry because she’s unsteady in heels, but no – she was wearing flats yesterday and was still unable to walk unaided. 

Harry had to physically wind his arms behind his back at one point to stop Desperate Duchess from effectively wrenching one of them off. Bet he didn’t miss THAT one on engagements; he looked like he was spending most of the visit trying to work out if supergluing his arms to his side might be a good way of getting his wife to back the fuck off. 

It’s ok mate – it might just be easier to divorce her and retain the circulation in your arm. As well as that of your balls.

Well that’s all for this week, ladies and gents! But I’ll be back next weekend with another instalment – I have a feeling there’ll be lots to report on.

Until then, stay safe and have a lovely week! 💖