CrownsOfBritain

Happy Sunday all! Kinda proud of myself for making it in time for this week’s round-up, because it looked almost impossible at times. But after a 12-hour sleep last night, I’m awake and ready to go!

Well a fair bit has happened in the last week, so without further ado, let’s get cracking!

Father’s Day and Archie

As sure as the sun will rise, Meghan will too arise from her lair to ensure that any big event in the world’s calendar will be firmly attached to her name or that of her offspring’s… So as you can recognise, Father’s Day this year was no exception.

Yep, as predicted – we were “treated” to a photo of Archie last weekend.

As much as I dislike Meghan, I’m not going to strike out at an innocent child, but all I will say is that this photo was totally and completely pointless.

A “photo” of your child, where barely even half his face is visible, shielded by your husband’s bloody massive hand? 

If I’ve laboured the point on this before, I apologise, but I’m so baffled by their desperate need to hide his face. 

It was the same during his first public appearance at Windsor Castle – they had to be asked TWICE to show him properly to the cameras, as Harry practically smothered him in his own shawl to prevent the press getting a clear shot of his face. 

Seriously, that kid was decked out in so many items of clothing to hide him – baby-grow, blanket, hat, etc – he was essentially dressed for a trek through the Arctic.

They’re either trying to hide something or are playing at being “celebrities”, where they do that stupid self-important thing of sharing a “photo of the child” while totally obscuring the kid’s face. Seriously… 

And this time, not only is Harry’s large hand blocking half his son’s face (in another attempt to stop him from breathing perhaps), but Meghan has also whacked on a heavy “sepia” filter, meaning the photo isn’t very clear at all. 

Honestly, I can’t tell where Harry’s arm hair ends and Archie’s head hair begins, but whatever – I don’t particularly care anyway. 

The only thing that surprises me is that Meghan didn’t manage to somehow shove her head or face in the photo either.

Archie’s christening 

A lot of Archie news this week – yes, they have announced his christening will take place at Windsor Castle next month.

Yes. Windsor Castle. Again. Do they know there are other places you can visit in life?

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps Meghan has been caught shoplifting tiaras from Tiffany’s or something and has been put on house arrest by the police, because she really doesn’t like to leave the Frogmore/Windsor vicinity at all ever, I’ve noticed.

In any case, Archie Harrison will be baptised at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle – the same place Meghan and Harry got married a year ago. No doubt Serena Williams and Elton John will be godparents, alongside Jessica MoleRat and Camel Clooney. Can’t wait.

The Queen won’t be in attendance as she’ll be away at Balmoral for her summer holidays – the timing of which she obviously planned quite well, as I imagine she’d rather contract Ebola than attend that total farce – but Charles, Camilla and the rest of them will turn out to watch an untitled, very distant 7th in line be christened. I’m sure William and Catherine are desperately thinking of excuses to get out of going already.

So how do we think Meghan will maximise press coverage for this event? Announce another pregnancy live from the Chapel? Ride through Windsor in another carriage procession, holding Archie aloft? Fly in on a unicorn? Predictions welcome and will be reviewed following said christening. 

Megan goes to Scotland

That’s right – Meghan, Harry and Archie are Balmoral-bound this summer to spend some quality time with the Queen. Or rather – be situated somewhere she can actually keep an eye on them – right under her nose. 

It was revealed this week that Meghan will spend her 38th birthday in August out in the sticks of Scotland – likely fishing for haddock, collecting berries and knitting tartan kilts. 

I don’t know what disturbs me more; the image of the above, or the fact that she’s an August baby just like me.

Yes, I can just see it now; Meghan, after one too many Highland whiskies, tripping and falling in the mud somewhere, forever destroying her fave Hunter wellies.

No for real though, I’m sure there was a time where Meghan spent her birthday snorting cocaine off an LA nightclub toilet and dancing until 5am, so I’m sure she’s just thrilled about having to spend her next birthday with a 93-year-old and her ginger, demanding baby in the middle of fucking nowhere. Oh, and Archie.

Something tells me that when she thought “princess”, this is not exactly what she had in mind.

It could just be a rumour and whether they go or not remains to be seen – I mean, it IS pretty far outside of Windsor and we know old Meggers gets anxious leaving Berkshire. But something tells me they’ll go. Let’s face it, what else does she have to do these days, besides change nappies and order Harry about? 

It’s ok Meghan; you can make it a really quick trip if the idea of it bores you to tears – and if all else fails and you really wanna get out of it, you can always ask Prince Phillip to pick you up from the train station. I’m sure he’d be only too happy to oblige.

Meghan and Harry – going to Africa? And editing Vogue?

So apparently Meghan and Harry’s first trip overseas with Archie is going to be to Africa: yes, the Sussexes are allegedly being sent to the Southern part of the continent to follow-up on some of the charity work Princess Diana undertook before her death. 

Well, I’m sure Meghan is just fucking thrilled with that one. She asked for America and got Africa – I’m sure some of the Queen’s fine china met the walls of Frogmore Cottage when THAT piece of information was shared with them.

But once Meghan had calmed down, realised it was still an opportunity to be in the tabloids and had pounded a stiff Chardonnay, I’m sure she dropped Archie, raced over to her MacBook and began furiously googling any outfits Diana had worn in Africa, just to make sure she emulated them perfectly. 

Oh wait sorry, she’s done that already, a la India.

Seriously, if there was any doubt that the Sussexes were being sidelined, I think the Queen’s recent actions have left little room for questioning.

Africa instead of America, being left out of the big banquets and shoved to the back of the Buckingham Palace balcony for flypasts? 

Yeah, the Palace has definitely spoken. 

It’s rather clear after the shambles that was Australia, the Queen has decided against having them represent any Commonwealth nations in the near future – probably best to leave that to the future King and Queen Consort, who have it down to a fine art by now.

Quite frankly, it’s time Harry and Meghan took their places at backseat royals.

But fear not Sussex fans – Meghan will be plenty busy, as it was announced last week that she will be editing the September issue of Vogue. I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Nope, you didn’t misread what I wrote; possibly the biggest fashion magazine on the planet have indeed asked a woman who cannot dress to save her life – to edit an issue of their magazine. Honestly, the mind boggles. It’s like asking Stevie Wonder to paint a portrait of the Queen.

So what can we expect from Meghan’s input? Probably segments that feature items of ill-fitting clothing, lots of Givenchy and questionable elbow-high leather gloves. 

Or, y’know, merching whatever Jessica Mulroney has asked her to. I’m telling you, Jessica is currently wetting her knickers in excitement at the prospect of shoving all her ugly shit in Meghan’s direction for Vogue.

In any case, I hope they double check whatever Meghan has put in there once she’s done; the whole thing echoes of 4-year-old me, desperate to wash the dishes after dinner – so my parents would let me stand on a chair at the sink, waste about ten gallons of water, put the (still dirty) dishes on the drying rack and leave – pleased with myself for “helping”. 

When in reality they’d wait for me to go to bed so they could hurriedly wash and dry all items without me seeing and getting pissed off.

Yep – I have a feeling the theme will be similar in the Vogue offices come September.

Will and Kate’s security detail run over an OAP

Oops.

Yes, as The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge zoomed through Richmond the other day, about to break out onto the big open road (Ascot-bound, I believe), it appears one of their security motorbikes hit an elderly lady as she attempted to cross the road.

Unfortunately, the 83-year-old was injured quite badly and is recovering in hospital now. Apparently the Duke and Duchess sent flowers and a card to say sorry; but y’know, if I was over 80 and had been hit by the motorcade of two over-privileged people, I’d tell them exactly where they could put their flowers.

No, I’m totally kidding – we all know I love Will and Kate and I’m sure they’re genuinely shocked by what happened… but, y’know, they could’ve gotten out of the car at the very least or perhaps even pulled over? 

I don’t know, but I think it’s slightly poor form to have your security mow down an OAP and then zoom on down the M4 because you don’t want to be late for the races.

In any case, we wish Irene Mayor a speedy recovery and hope she’s fighting fit again soon 💐

Well, that’s all for this week folks; there are a couple of things I’ve left out but I will add these next week – let’s face it, there’s always lots to talk about in Royal World.

Until then, have a lovely week all and I’ll catch you next weekend!