CrownsOfBritain

Sometimes when I look around the internet, in all it’s glory, I realise just how fucking deluded people are – especially where Meghan Markle is concerned. 

A number of us dislike her, a few really don’t care either way and the rest live with their heads up her arse. For those living with their heads up her backside, I’ve noticed that a lot of what you say about Meghan online is, quite frankly, total bullshit and sometimes so utterly absurd, I wonder if most of you are simply on day release.

So below, I have tackled the most common misconceptions head-on; because we all know I don’t enjoy anything more than putting Sussex fans in their place.  

She’s a style icon 

I don’t know anybody on this Earth who has access to so much money and the best stylists you can buy, but still appears to have gotten dressed in the dark most of the time. Yes, she has worn one or two nice pieces; but by and large, she looks like a cheap knock-off of Victoria Beckham and I don’t think that image exactly screams “royalty”. 

Until I take my last breath on this earth, I will forever be baffled by how Meghan Markle has gotten it so spectacularly wrong in the style stakes. Some people do seem to like the way she dresses; they see her “style” (if you can call it that) as “fresh” and “modern” – but quite frankly, I prefer Kate’s dress coats and hats, which some have labelled “boring”. I don’t agree at all. 

Yes, Kate is the future Queen and therefore has played it slightly safer with fashion; but I do really like her clothing which is usually a perfect mix of the traditional and modern. She looks like a ROYAL. And yes Meghan, those long trousers that sweep the floor as you walk may have looked nice on Vicky B, but she is the wife of a footballer – not a member of the royal family. Believe it or not, there is a difference.

She’s a humanitarian 

This one always makes me laugh. 

Show of hands please; how many of you know genuine “humanitarians” who visit the impoverished in a coat worth £7,000? I thought humanitarians were meant to have common sense?

Meghan, dear; walking down the road in Kensington with an “alleviate poverty” bag doesn’t make you a charitable person or a humanitarian – it just makes you a hypocrite. Instead of spending thousands of pounds on ugly clothing that you’ll only wear once anyway, why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and donate to your chosen charities? Yes, instead of getting your fans to donate to them on your behalf under the guise of a “Global Sussex baby shower”.

And just another tip for the future; humanitarians don’t preach about climate change off the back of a million-pound trip on a private jet to New York for a party. They don’t wear £99k maternity dresses in Morocco. They don’t spend millions of pounds of the taxpayers’ money to renovate one of their many homes. And they certainly don’t visit those living in poverty dressed from head to toe in Givenchy. 

She was already famous and rich in her own right and didn’t need Harry’s money 

Right – we’ve been through this. How rich do you really think she was before the ring went on? I mean, seriously? Suits was a lowly cable show and she is not an A-lister. And given her knack of merching at every available opportunity, I’m guessing the woman looks for every possible chance to make money. That doesn’t scream “well off” to me. 

Meghan has only really ever gone after men who have a lot of money or means to open doors for her toward new opportunities and a better life, and then drops them when they can no longer do anything for her. This is not the behaviour of an independent feminist who is able to achieve things on her own – this is the behaviour of a gold digger.

So sure – Meg had money; from her divorce settlement with Trevor, from her rumoured days as a yacht girl and Soho House regular and from all the merching she did and does for Jessica Mulroney. But was it millions and millions? Clearly not or she wouldn’t have had to marry a Prince. 

She’s proud to represent Britain 

In two (very British) words: my arse. 

In the year and a half since Harry and Meghan became engaged, I have yet to see her wear any British designers or champion much that is British at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure she goes out of her way to actively avoid wearing anything that is British. 

There are even rumours that she has apparently hired an all-American medical team to deliver her brat because in Meghan’s expert opinion, our 70-year-old NHS service isn’t good enough to deliver the second coming of Markle and Wales. It was good enough for the future Queen Consort to deliver three children in an NHS Hospital, but no, not for old Meggy. 

And when charity patronages for Meghan were announced back in January, it was revealed that she would be focusing on – you guessed it – everywhere but the UK. Africa, the Middle East, Antarctica… you name it – if it’s not Britain, Meghan’s happy to back it. 

She is the best thing to hit the Royal Family 

I think you’ll find that was Kate eight years ago.

(Happy Anniversary for tomorrow, Cambridges!)

Despite the adamant claims of her fans, so far, I have yet to see Meghan do anything groundbreaking. If you ask her little followers for proof of anything they’re all like: 

Oh, and when they’re really stumped, they’ll come out with “yeah? Well Meghan’s only been married a year but Kate’s been on the scene for eight and hasn’t done anything at all.”

Right… Apart from being an ambassador for Britain on several overseas tours, starting the Heads Together charity (amongst others) and birthing a future King?

Meghan has so far, by my tally – cooked once or twice with a few Grenfell victims and gave a bunch of bananas to some prostitutes.

While I’m all for backing any disaster that happens on my doorstep (I live around the corner from where Grenfell stood), I will say this: the tower disaster has had more money thrown at it than you can shake a stick at and it was almost two years ago now – Meghan, it’s time to find something more current to support, not just backing the first “English” cause that you could get your hands on. 

As for the bananas – don’t get me started. What bright spark thought it’d be a good idea to give phallic shaped fruit to a group of sex workers? And with messages like “you’re so loved ❤️”… yeah, I’m sure 35-year-old Louise from Dagenham is feeling totally “loved” when she’s shivering at the side of the road waiting for possible clientele to drive by or blowing some guy for a fiver at the back of his Ford Mondeo. Get real, Meghan.

If I were one of those women, I’d tell Her Royal Highness exactly where she could put those bananas – and probably not for the first time either.

She doesn’t want the limelight 

Yeah, like a cat doesn’t want the canary. 

I have never seen a person so adept at sniffing out a camera from at least fifty miles away. The Cambridges could’ve used her in France seven years ago when Kate was papped taking her clothes off on their villa balcony – with Meghan about, no photographer goes undetected. 

Bottom line: Meghan loves herself and she loves the cameras. The two combined thrill her to no end. 

The best example of this would’ve been at the British Fashion Awards earlier this year – she was so unbelievably excited to have the spotlight on her where she could squeeze the life out of her bump in front of the UK press for all to see, I’m surprised she didn’t have an orgasm. 

I’d put fifty quid on this whole “privacy” thing surrounding the baby’s birth being Harry’s idea and Meghan has just been forced to go along with it. Madam? Give up the spotlight when her mealticket arrives? Once again – my arse.

She could potentially be Queen one day 

I know this one sounds totally mental, but please go with me on it – her fans are actually saying this sort of crap on Twitter. They actually believe, in their tiny deluded minds, that this woman could eventually wind up as Queen Consort one day.

And how exactly do you think this will happen? 

Perhaps she’ll poison Kate with the contents of one of her diamonds, divorce Harry’s balding, ginger arse and William will marry her after realising the deceptive, social-climbing grifter actress was really “The One” after all? Ah, just like Romeo and Juliet. 

For any Meghan fans reading this, please let me say this for the final time, as some of you do not appear to understand how the line of succession works – Meghan will never become Queen. Say it with me now… 

No fewer than five people have to cark it in order for Harry to get anywhere near the throne, and no, he does NOT take over if William were to die suddenly while George is still young. In this instance, the throne would be powered by a team of advisors until George turned eighteen, and then he would be crowned officially. Harry and Meghan are unlikely to ever sniff the material the throne is made from, let alone sit on it – sorry Sussex Stans. 

She’s here to stay 

Incorrect again, I’m afraid.

Given the woman’s track record, it doesn’t appear she sticks around anywhere for very long and the second something better comes along, she’s off.

No, right now, I can’t imagine what could be higher than royalty – but I’m sure Meghan has a few ideas and is probably targeting her next victim as we speak.

What will it be, Meg? A billionaire without the life of restrictions and protocol? Or maybe you’ll run for President? Nah, even though you love the sound of your own voice, that seems like it would be too stressful for madam’s liking. 

Whatever her next move is, I have no doubt she’ll be hitting the road in the next two to three years. 

Once the novelty of having a title wears off, the royal purse strings are tightened by the Queen and the penny finally drops for Meghan that she’ll never really have her own brand and platform to project her oh-so-wonderful ideas from, she’ll be out of there – with half of Harry’s money and his kid(s) in tow. 

Of course, the list of misconceptions about Meghan goes on and on; there is so much utter rubbish spewed on social media by her fans that I can only assume they’re either paid PR people, seriously deranged or Meghan herself. Honestly, you can’t write some of the stuff that comes up – or apparently you can. It’s a crazy world out there. 

If you do think any of the above is incorrect, and you believe Meghan really is a stand-up (Non-UK) citizen, you can find me on Twitter to discuss it @CrownofSapphire – I’m always ready and willing to have an argument. 

Have a good one, guys!