CrownsOfBritain

So last week, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle released a statement regarding their baby through their brand new office at Buckingham Palace to tell us, well – nothing, really. Well essentially, it had undertones of “bugger off”, but we’ll pretend that’s not the case for the minute.

So here we have it; “The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have taken the personal decision to keep the plans around the arrival of the baby private.”
First of all, the wording in the whole statement is off, in my opinion at the very least. It’s like Buckingham Palace were trying very hard to avoid the term “giving birth”, so they used a variety of terms that seemed more like this kid is being delivered to Meghan and Harry via FedEx express delivery than being pushed out of her.

“Prepare to welcome…”, “the arrival of…”… nowhere, anywhere, does it state “birth” or “giving birth”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it seems a bit off to me.

The next part which had me in stitches though was the use of the term “private”.

PRIVATE? Meghan? Are we talking about the same woman? Because the Meghan I’ve been forced to look at in the press for the last nine months has had her hand continually stapled to her stomach to draw attention to her “pregnancy”. She’s also the same woman who flicked her coat open at every opportunity to show off the rather oddly-shaped bump she has – “oh, did you hear? I’m pregnant!”Private? Come off it. Meghan wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if it jumped up and bit her in the arse.

But once I’d stopped laughing, wiped the tears from my eyes and straightened myself out, I had to wonder about this “personal decision” the Sussexes have made regarding their baby. Why, after Meghan flaunting her pregnancy at every available opportunity, have they suddenly become really shady and shut out the public and press?

Nothing past what Buckingham Palace wrote in that statement has been confirmed, but if royal reporters and their tweets are anything to go by, there will still be a photo call with Meghan, Harry and Sussex Spawn a few days after it’s arrival in the grounds of Windsor castle – but with only three members of press present.

Now – why would Meghan, who is so desperate for attention, she may as well hold a sign up above her head – suddenly want to shut things down altogether and hide completely?

Let’s be real here, we all know madam would’ve been practically frothing at the mouth for the “baby reveal” Kate had with all three of her own kids; wall-to-wall press outside the hospital, hundreds of adoring fans in the street and live coverage worldwide as Meghan steps out of the hospital, Spanx firmly in place to show us just how “in shape” she is and babe in arms, with her saintly Mother Theresa expression. So the fact they’ve not opted to go down this route is totally bizarre and does make me think something is up.

If I was on the fence before about the use of a surrogate, I’m now somewhat totally convinced there is one being used.

Just dissecting what Buckingham Palace have put out, the Sussexes keeping the “plans around the arrival of their baby private” would be a perfect get-out clause for them. I did a previous blog post about my predictions of the arrival of baby Sussex (that we will revisit when the child surely arrives within the next week or so) and one of them was the fact that they won’t announce the medical team.

Of course, if there is a surrogate being used, it’d be the best excuse for them not to reveal who has delivered the child – the fewer details the better. They also don’t appear to want to reveal where the baby is being delivered either, which is rather strange and leads me to believe it will be a home birth, as I predicted – because the baby being delivered in a hospital would invite too many questions.

There are also rumours swirling that Meghan has hired an all-American team to deliver the child – because apparently our 70-year old NHS system with all it’s hardworking doctors and nurses isn’t good enough to deliver the Second Coming of Meghan Markle. It could just be Meghan thumbing her nose at British traditions and customs, as she has done at every turn since arriving in this country anyway, or it could be because there is something she wants to cover up.

Let’s face it; I wouldn’t put it past Meghan to do something like this just because she wants to show how “modern” and “celebrity” she is – but putting that aside, if it was good enough for the future Queen Consort of the Commonwealth to deliver three children in an NHS hospital – one of which being the future King – then it should be good enough for Markle to deliver her kid in one of our hospitals, especially since her child is going to be seventh in line and will never even get to sniff the throne, let alone sit on it, all thanks to The Duchess of Cambridge’s uterus.

By now, Harry is very far back from the throne and it’s time he and his wife started behaving like it.

No, we shouldn’t be privy to every last detail; if you both have something you don’t want to share with the class, then that’s all on you – I don’t care how much your kid weighs or what colour it’s hair is anyway.

No, you shouldn’t get to present your baby with live coverage like the Cambridges did; by all accounts, this one won’t even be a Prince or Princess, so what is the need? I think we could all do without that live feed being replayed over and over for the next eighteen years anyway.

No, I have no interest in seeing its birth certificate, so it’s a good thing you’re not going to release one. A birth certificate is hardly a fucking novelty; I have one, you have one, the Queen has one and this baby will have one too. Big whoop. It doesn’t mean we need to see it. It won’t make me like the Sussexes any more.

Royal reporters have also stated we’ll be told when Meghan “goes into labour” and when the baby is born (so not totally private then), but past that, we won’t be getting much information (hallelujah, quite frankly). In keeping with my predictions, I also don’t expect a birth certificate for the baby will be released like it was for all three Cambridge kids.

Let’s face it, they wouldn’t be able to pull that one off; the certificate would need to detail the place of delivery for the child and other such “private” details that this totally “private” couple have decided that they don’t want to share with the people who foot the bill for their lavish (private) lifestyles.

Am I relieved they’ve gone down this route? Yes, actually – I am.

I watched the live feeds for Kate leaving hospital with all three kids; (I had broken from university for the summer when George was born, was parked on the sofa on the Saturday evening Charlotte departed the hospital and yes, I confess to leaving my office and standing outside the tube station so as not to lose signal on my phone for when Louis made his big debut last year). But I did that because I was genuinely interested. I’m not this time.

Quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse about being informed every time this child sits, stands or takes a dump. I’m in it just for the laughs and to watch Meghan and Harry desperately scramble around to hide what is so clearly a surrogate cover-up.

For now, it’s all just speculation; I do firmly believe this kid will arrive by the time Easter is out, and I sort of can’t wait for all of this to be over with. I’m sick of the pregnancy and delivery rumours and will-it-be-a-boy-or-girl and will-they-name-it-Diana. I’m sick of Meghan holding her stomach like it’s going to fall out if she doesn’t. And I’m sick of the Sussexes, full stop.

But hold tight, ladies and gents. All will be revealed soon and at last, we can finally say – the finish line is in sight.